TheTruth711 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 My husband used to take his time pleasuring me for the first 4 years of our relationship. I never orgasmed but it was perfect. We separated(moved to different countries) and I discovered the pleasure of vibrators. Just a little bullet vibe was enough for me and after less than 10 mins I could go on with my day. It helped me focus as well as remain faithful until we met again. Now he spends less than half the time on my needs during sex compared to before. Now that I know how orgasming really feels like it’s hard to go weeks having sex without having an orgasm. He absolutely does not want to hear about vibrators and infact asked me to get rid of the one I showed him right after we met again. It was barely bigger than his pinky! I’m not interested in replacing him at all but this is frustrating me! Is it unbiblical to use a vibrator? As Christians is this something interfering with our bond as a married couple? After having sex with him I actually feel a little angry and frustrated. He used to ravish me orally but has since been avoiding that. That would have been good enough for me but since I complained about him avoiding it, it lost its luster. Feels out of duty, the few times it happens and I get no pleasure out of it anymore. I finally told him I’m getting myself a little vibe and he mentioned not wasting money on ‘wants and not needs’. I would think sexual frustration is not a good place to be! Anyway I really don’t know where to go from here. Please advise. Thanks for taking the time.
mark clemson Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 Male here in case it matters. I don't know about religious aspects, but my take would be if I want to masturbate (in the way I see fit, within reason) I should be allowed to, unless my partner can "please me" with the frequency and intensity I prefer. So that's the rule in my marriage. We generally have sex twice per week and I'll masturbate (or not) as I see fit on other days. In my case I'm generally quite satisfied with the sex, so that part hasn't been an issue for me. 1
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 Thanks for sharing your perspective! The reason my post is all ‘me, me, me’ is because my husband has always preferred being in control in bed. Doing almost all the work. He doesn’t even like oral done on him. He told me his pleasure comes from seeing me satisfied. On top of all this he is not romantic at all. Never remembers my birthday or buys me flowers or presents. I guess I’m also holding a lot of resentment inside towards him. However I feel extremely depressed and guilty after fiddling with myself for relief. So far I’ve gotten rid of about 3 little vibes out of guilt only to buy them again.
K.K. Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, TheTruth711 said: My husband used to take his time pleasuring me for the first 4 years of our relationship. I never orgasmed but it was perfect 2 questions. 1. Explain this disconnect ^ I mean call me crazy but it prolly would’ve been a lot more ‘perfect’ if you came. 2. Why is this in the infidelity forum? 3. What’s being ‘biblical’ got to do with anything? I scream Jesus name when I cum particularly hard. I don’t think he minds. 4. Who is it you’re cheating on? The husband with the vibe? Is that why this is in the infidelity forum? Sorry that was like 4 questions. But my mind’s blown and I’m not even sure I’m supposed to say cum in this forum. His pleasure comes from seeing you satisfied? ? Well tell him shut up and watch ? Why do you feel guilty? It’s your body. (5..6..7) 1
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, K.K. said: 1. Explain this disconnect ^ I mean call me crazy but it prolly would’ve been a lot more ‘perfect’ if you came. Id never cum before. I finally did for the very first time using a vibe just 2 years ago! So what he was doing felt really really good considering my experience. Didn’t know any better. 2. Why is this in the infidelity forum? Hey! Those little gadgets seem to rub men the wrong way!(pun not intended) 3. What’s being ‘biblical’ got to do with anything? Not too sure why I feel that way honestly. 4. Who is it you’re cheating on? The husband with the vibe? Thats the issue. My time spent fiddling away is taking away from my intimacy with hubs. Can’t shake the feeling. His pleasure comes from seeing you satisfied? ? Well tell him shut up... We come from a conservative culture. Not too sure he’ll be happy to hear that
K.K. Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, TheTruth711 said: That’s the issue. My time spent fiddling away is taking away from my intimacy with hubs. Can’t shake the feeling. You could look at it like it’s in addition to? Or let him use it on you? How about that? 3 minutes ago, TheTruth711 said: His pleasure comes from seeing you satisfied? ? Well tell him shut up... We come from a conservative culture. Not too sure he’ll be happy to hear that Ok well maybe not ‘shut up’ but more like ..hmmm ... nah I got nuthin. If I couldn’t tell my man to shut up every now and again and have him still love me and want to have sex with me, I’d lose my s***. I admit I’m not very biblical. I don’t think you should feel so guilty about it though. That’s just not fair.
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 47 minutes ago, TheTruth711 said: He told me his pleasure comes from seeing me satisfied. For a guy who feels this way about sex, it’s little wonder that he doesn’t like the idea of a vibrator. It must be quite a blow to his ego, to know that he can’t bring you to orgasm but the vibrator can... I don’t imagine that it’s unusual, I would be feeling pretty frustrated if I wasn’t able to please my partner. What he needs to appreciate is that it’s apples and oranges, and sex toys can be used to enhance, not replace, a sexual experience. I will end by sharing, my guy bought me a vibrator before Christmas... I’ve simply added it to my collection. 1
Zona Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) I don't think you should feel guilty about it and I definitely don't think it's "unbiblical". I've told my wife she can buzz one out any time she likes, but to my knowledge she never does. I think it would be good for her because she has a stressful job and it's a good way to get rid of some tension. I don't think it's a spouse's job to be a vagina warden, or penis warden in terms of masturbation. That's just weird. What you do in your own private time is your business. Honestly I would be more worried about the resentment you have towards your husband. That can lead to being unfaithful if you get close to somebody (like a coworker or even ex boyfriend) that can play on that to get you to let your guard down. Edited May 20, 2020 by Zona 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 3 hours ago, TheTruth711 said: My husband used to take his time pleasuring me for the first 4 years of our relationship. I never orgasmed but it was perfect. We separated(moved to different countries) and I discovered the pleasure of vibrators. Just a little bullet vibe was enough for me and after less than 10 mins I could go on with my day. It helped me focus as well as remain faithful until we met again. Now he spends less than half the time on my needs during sex compared to before. Now that I know how orgasming really feels like it’s hard to go weeks having sex without having an orgasm. He absolutely does not want to hear about vibrators and infact asked me to get rid of the one I showed him right after we met again. It was barely bigger than his pinky! I’m not interested in replacing him at all but this is frustrating me! Is it unbiblical to use a vibrator? As Christians is this something interfering with our bond as a married couple? After having sex with him I actually feel a little angry and frustrated. He used to ravish me orally but has since been avoiding that. That would have been good enough for me but since I complained about him avoiding it, it lost its luster. Feels out of duty, the few times it happens and I get no pleasure out of it anymore. I finally told him I’m getting myself a little vibe and he mentioned not wasting money on ‘wants and not needs’. I would think sexual frustration is not a good place to be! Anyway I really don’t know where to go from here. Please advise. Thanks for taking the time. Who brought up the idea that it would be 'unbiblical?' Your insecure husband? The bible makes no specific mention of self-pleasuring yourself (masturbation, vibrator) as a sin. Of course, there were no vibrators back when people wrote the bible, so either they were unable to see the future with their god's assistance, or they didn't see it's potential use as a sin. Not in bible, not a sin, right? You are, in effect, masturbating with a device. Simple. There are those who believe that masturbation is a sinful act, so using a vibrator (masturbating) is a sin...if you follow that particular flavour of christianity. It is accurately described that when one masturbates, one fantasizes in sexual acts that are oftentimes fantasy, immoral acts. Sins of the flesh above the spirit. What do YOU think? Do you need to question your faith because your husband tells you to? What does your god say to YOU? I don't know what to advise really. If you believe in the word of your god according to your husband, then you ought to stop for your salvation's sake. If you are a literal interpreter of the bible and since it doesn't mention even masturbation, you are good. If your husband doesn't really have strong feelings either way, enjoy yourself in private or perhaps have your husband join in as someone else suggested. 1 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: there were no vibrators back when people wrote the bible, so either they were unable to see the future with their god's assistance, or they didn't see it's potential use as a sin. Uh, there was no paper back then either. Paper wasn't widely used in the western world until more than a thousand years later... and yet this is the most popular book on earth, centered on a point in time more than 100 years before paper was even invented. Yet this causes nobody to pause and question... Edited May 20, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy 2 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Uh, there was no paper back then either. Paper wasn't widely used in the western world until more than a thousand years later... and yet this is the most popular book on earth, centered on a point in time more than 100 years before paper was even invented. Yet this causes nobody to pause and question... Not sure what your point is. Did I not give a derived interpretation of the bible by some believers? Let's think about this. Again, the popularity of a book has nothing to do with anything here. Does it? It does help that the ROMAN EMPIRE established the faith as its own and thus helping along its forcible indoctrination in many ways. It also helps that the printing press was used as a means to further the teachings in a christian world more apt to have access to books, in general. But, again, what does this have anything to do with what I posted? Please elucidate.
DKT3 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 28 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Who brought up the idea that it would be 'unbiblical?' Your insecure husband? The bible makes no specific mention of self-pleasuring yourself (masturbation, vibrator) as a sin. Of course, there were no vibrators back when people wrote the bible, so either they were unable to see the future with their god's assistance, or they didn't see it's potential use as a sin. Not in bible, not a sin, right? You are, in effect, masturbating with a device. Simple. There are those who believe that masturbation is a sinful act, so using a vibrator (masturbating) is a sin...if you follow that particular flavour of christianity. It is accurately described that when one masturbates, one fantasizes in sexual acts that are oftentimes fantasy, immoral acts. Sins of the flesh above the spirit. What do YOU think? Do you need to question your faith because your husband tells you to? What does your god say to YOU? I don't know what to advise really. If you believe in the word of your god according to your husband, then you ought to stop for your salvation's sake. If you are a literal interpreter of the bible and since it doesn't mention even masturbation, you are good. If your husband doesn't really have strong feelings either way, enjoy yourself in private or perhaps have your husband join in as someone else suggested. It her, no where did she mention it came from her husband. In fact, she said she has no idea why she feels that way. OP simply put, your husband doesn't know what he is doing sexual and you have no clue how to communicate that to him. There is nothing wrong with you or what you enjoy. In my opinion, it's your passive approach and I guessing you had alot of sex is bad talks as a kid, thus the guilt you feel. I would bet if you pulled it out during sex and told him this is what I like he would be far more open then you think. Its shows him its can be an aid and not a replacement. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, DKT3 said: It her, no where did she mention it came from her husband. In fact, she said she has no idea why she feels that way. Read her post again and mine. Where did I say that her husband said these things? I was asking her if the idea came from him? As per her post, as she may be questioning, but it does not make it clear whether her husband may or may not have fed these ideas or solely of her own. Edited May 20, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020
DKT3 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 Actually she said, I dont know why I feel that way, if it was her husband, I'm guessing she would have said so, and would have known why she felt that way, because he suggested it.
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 He can literally refuse to allow you to masturbate?
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) As for unbiblical, I can’t see how. The Bible doesn’t mention dildos, I don’t think - those existed at the time and are really the only comparable thing. I also don’t think it references female masturbation at all, just male, and then only in reference to Onan, and that’s because it was seen as disobedience to a command to marry his dead brother’s wife and him spilling it on the ground was rebellion to official consummation of their marriage. I think. Edited May 20, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
5x5 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said: As for unbiblical, I can’t see how. The Bible doesn’t mention dildos, I don’t think - those existed at the time and are really the only comparable thing. Dildos have been around for at least 30,000 years with stone age ones made from antler bone, siltstone or chalk, featuring phalli that resemble the penis with retracted foreskins, absent foreskins, some with piercings and scars. While the ancient Greeks used didlos some of which featured details that even showed veins, which were made from wood, leather or even bread. One thing for sure, didlo's were certainly not uncommon or unused during biblical times or after.
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 18 minutes ago, 5x5 said: Dildos have been around for at least 30,000 years with stone age ones made from antler bone, siltstone or chalk, featuring phalli that resemble the penis with retracted foreskins, absent foreskins, some with piercings and scars. While the ancient Greeks used didlos some of which featured details that even showed veins, which were made from wood, leather or even bread. One thing for sure, didlo's were certainly not uncommon or unused during biblical times or after. That's what I said. They existed at the time, and the Bible doesn't say anything about them. There's no admonition against them or anything, not even colloquially, that I know of. 1
healing light Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) Alright, a few thoughts and questions. Does he know he has never brought you to orgasm? If he doesn't know this, maybe he doesn't fully understand the need for the vibrator. For someone who claims to get their pleasure from seeing you "satisfied," he sure isn't acting like it if he knows that's the only way you've been able to reach orgasm to date. The only solution I can think of here (assuming he is receptive to this) is for him to use the vibrator on you during sex so that you can both climax and he can be the one "responsible" for your orgasm since he will be the one directing it. Or if you can use it on yourself while he is inside you... If he gives you resistance about these potential compromises, I would ask him how he would feel if he never climaxed during sex, compounded by never being able to masturbate. You are giving him too much power over what goes on with your body. Until he is able dedicate time with you to figure out how your body responds to different stimulus and how to come without a vibrator, I don't see how this will be resolved unless he incorporates it into the routine. Can you bring yourself to orgasm without the use of a vibrator now? Is he controlling your masturbation completely or just with the use of a toy? If you are able to climax without one, then maybe you can show him what you need in that regard or manually stimulate yourself during sex while he's assisting or inside of you in order to get off. But if he's not even "allowing" you to explore masturbation and isn't taking the time to get you there, he sounds selfish and controlling in bed. Edited May 20, 2020 by healing light 1
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 He Tarzan, you Jane. He is the man, he does the oral stuff, he does the PIV stuff and you fall back satisfied, he is happy, he accomplished his job as a man. THEN the vibe came along. The vibe makes you happy without him even needing to be there. It is similar to the complaint some women have about porn it lowers the self esteem and gets in the way of intimacy He has been "replaced" by not even a huge dildo but by a teeny tiny one... The common advice is for the upset partner to incorporate the "offending behaviour" into their sex regime. Watch porn together, use the vibe during sex, but that is the very last thing they want to do. They don't want to watch their man getting turned on by busty Belinda, and he certainly doesn't want to watch his woman getting turned on by a tiny vibe. He wants to banish that vibe to the bin so he can feel like the man again. She wants to ban porn, so she can feel like a sexy siren again... BUT unfortunately here the vibe gives her better orgasms and in the case of porn Busty Belinda makes him as hard as a rock.. so it is all kinda messed up... 2 1
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 Thanks for all the replies! I introduced my very first to my husband after months talking about using it during our time apart. On the phone he seemed ok with it and even asked me to keep it so he can use it on me when we finally met. Finally we get together. He didn’t seem happy at all when I brought it out. It was awkward and took me some time to get myself off because it felt strange having him next to me sighing and heaving. Later that day he complained that the buzz was loud and that our housemate may hear it. Honestly I didn’t think it was loud and neither did I care about that! Eventually he talked about us using our time more productively(we had no jobs yet, I’d just graduated while he had just moved to my country). So he said some things take up valuable time- like that vibe taking too long to get me there! Yes he actually said that. Finally we move and I lost it along my belongings. After a few months I found it and squealed in delight. My husband was in the same room and his face just about fell to the floor! A few weeks later during a conversation he politely asked me to throw it away which I did. His lovemaking did not get any better. In fact he stopped foreplay altogether and had started literally just climbing on. No kissing no nothing! He refused to tell me the reason why so I became insecure imagining it to be regarding my weight or hygiene or because I had our son 4 years ago. I complained and he mentioned not liking being ordered around in bed. I barely talk at all and this was about the discomfort of being unprepared for penetration! The guilt has been brought on by a few things he’s mentioned in passing...not directly. Things like how evil infiltrates marriages in disguises that eventually put you in bondage and move you further away from your spouse emotionally. Also being Christian there’s the verse about the wife’s body not being her own but her husbands and vice versa. This has compounded my guilt in a way. Another thing I’ll admit to is getting there while fantasizing about different people/porn. I felt justified watching porn for a while after I caught my husband using it earlier in our relationship. Once while I lay next to him in bed. It seemed to get me off faster but also leave me thoroughly disgusted. I gave it up. However I still fantasize, but not really about my husband when I masturbate. So yeah, it’s a jumbled mess I guess.
schlumpy Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 If he has any concern for your well being he should be happy to comply with your request. I think his rigid refusal to do so is found in how he ignores you in other aspects of your married life such as the lack of romance. It's just the same aspect of his behavior. Do you enjoy being with him? Is your interest roused when you hear him come in the front door? What type of emotional connection do you have? Respect is good thing but only carries you so far in a marriage. I suspect one of his problems is what you mentioned above: "However I still fantasize, but not really about my husband when I masturbate." 2
contel3 Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, TheTruth711 said: His lovemaking did not get any better. In fact he stopped foreplay altogether and had started literally just climbing on. No kissing no nothing! He refused to tell me the reason why so I became insecure imagining it to be regarding my weight or hygiene or because I had our son 4 years ago. I complained and he mentioned not liking being ordered around in bed. I barely talk at all and this was about the discomfort of being unprepared for penetration! This is a bit concerning. You do know you're allowed to say no right? I can't imagine straight up penetration being fun….probably hurts too. It's also concerning he tells you he doesn't like "being ordered around in bed" when you voice your preferences. If its that bad there is no reason you have to put up with that. 3
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: If he has any concern for your well being he should be happy to comply with your request. I think his rigid refusal to do so is found in how he ignores you in other aspects of your married life such as the lack of romance. It's just the same aspect of his behavior. Do you enjoy being with him? Is your interest roused when you hear him come in the front door? What type of emotional connection do you have? Respect is good thing but only carries you so far in a marriage. I suspect one of his problems is what you mentioned above: "However I still fantasize, but not really about my husband when I masturbate." I love him but not with passionate love. In a way because of him my life has lost all fun and excitement. To him everything should be productive or serious. I used to beg for a hug before he left for work but I stopped. I begged cried screamed about my birthday and other important days. He says many of those days are created as ruses for people to spend more money. I’ll admit I knew all of this before I married him. I guess I felt safe since he explained the futility of things like affairs and living dishonestly. Having been cheated on before, I felt this was a better alternative. I actually found him a virgin, albeit a porn-addicted one. He was a great lover as well. The best I’ve ever been with.
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