Was it emotional cheating?

[poetry]

Hello everyone :) 

I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago and still can not get over what he has done. Maybe it is nothing terrible...maybe it is just me and I am really just overly jealous how he used to say. 

We were talking on fb for 9 months, then we met and were dating long distance for 5 months (we met every two weeks and went on 14 days long holiday together). Then I left my amazing job and moved over to where he lives and we stayed another 2 months together. 

Before we met, he was single for 3.5 years and had just 3 or 4 really short "relationships". Before this he was with a girl for 7 years and she is married now to someone else. I asked him in the beginning if they are in touch or not and he said something like once in a while...so I did not ask any more as I was ok with it. After two months I found out that they were talking on fb every single day since the day they broke up (she broke up with him...he said there was no love anymore and they did not have sex for 2 years)...I asked him to show me the messages and they seemed harmless...mostly about politics, music, pictures of food, pictures from holidays and also pictures of a cat they had together...they also met every 14 days for a lunch, went to a concert together etc...I told him I do not like it and he said he loves me and he will stop immediately. I had a hard time to trust him again. He still followed her on IG and FB and I noticed he liked some of her posts and I was mad about it so he said he would stop follow her. I just fetl like he was not able to give me 100% of emotional connection, I was very insecure and started thinking he misses her...and every single thing about her pissed me of. But I was so in love with him that I moved over to his place even that I was not sure about this situation. When I moved to his place, I noticed there were still some cups she made so I asked him to move them to a basement. He put them in a box and it took him a month to move the box to the basement. Living together was sometimes a hell as it was strict quarantine at that time and we fought a lot because of his ex. Then I found out that he was searching for her on IG quite often and I just moved out. After few days he contacted me that he misses me and we tried to work on getting back together again. 2 days ago was a last time I saw him and he actually said he is emotionally attached to his ex and does not think it is a bad thing, that she is just a friend. 

Is it something people do these days? I am not in touch with any of my exes as I am that type of person that burns bridges. So I just do not understand how can someone fully commit if they are still so interested in their ex's life? 

Happy to hear your opinions! 

Thank you :)

[Ami1uwant]

My comment is separate from your situation...

 

men and women can be friends.

 

men and women who had a relationship can end things and still be friends.  Sometimes peop,e may share interests and have some things in common. The problem is in having a relationship together ehere traits come out innthat that wouldn’t occur in a friendship such as jealous and trust, control, you aren’t yo,d who to have friends with, as well as how you live together like one is a mess vs neat freak, one is a morning person, the other is a night person, the habits or annoyances you thought were cute early on is now chalk screeching.  There are other reasons like one person felt something was missing even though everything was great.

 

as for you...what if this was a best male friend? Everything was the same?

[miranda561]

It depends. It really varies. Some people burn bridges ( like yourself), some people can be purely  friends with their exes when there is nothing  going on. ..and of course there are those who still have feelings there so  keep in touch.

Personally i would say its dangerous territory for your other half to still be so interested in talking to his ex. I would be wary of that if i was you. It sounds like they speak far too much. 

I would count it as emotional cheating definitely. I think he misses her greatly. Even while you guys are together he may be thinking about her. 

Edited May 20, 2020 by miranda561

[Miss Spider]

No...it’s not something people do. Not in touch with my exes.    Some people are really just “friends “ with their exes, but this guy is just a tool. Sorry this happened, 

[rjc149]

After 5 months of long-distance dating, you leave an amazing job to move in with him. Your priority, above all else, was locking him down into a domestic arrangement ASAP. That is WAYYY too soon to be wifing a guy up like that. 

He's got 7 years with his ex. That's a lot of history. That doesn't get erased because you've made yourself right at home in his house and asked him to move her cups into the basement.

That doesn't mean you have no reason to be jealous or insecure. You do. He's clearly not over his ex. He's clearly not ready for a relationship with you. 

The issue, as I see it, is that you're making this about YOU. You dropped a career to lock him down -- for your happiness. You want him to commit to you after 5 months of dating-- for your happiness. You want him to delete the 7 years he's had with his ex -- for your happiness. 

I think the gracious, compassionate and humble thing to do is to understand that you forcing him to do something he's not ready to do, and he's begging and pleading after you because he doesn't want to be alone, not because he's ready to give you his all. 

It's just not the right time. Re-focus on yourself, and your career, and becoming someone who can be happy with herself, and not someone who needs to lock a man down. Then, revisit a relationship with him. Neither of you are in a good place for commitment to each other. Or anyone. 

 

[Versacehottie]

I think he could have seen it as innocent.  And to be broken up for 3.5 years and never attempt to get back together probably means they won't.  That said, now that it's on the table that he is talking to her & seeing her this much, it's too much IMO.  I don't know if it's emotional cheating because it was probably in place before you joined the picture...BUT it does seem to be fulfilling him in a way that prevents you guys from fully forming into complete relationship so I don't think you should be ok with it.  

It's kind of touchy since maybe it was a misstep on his end, and it's not fun or healthy to tell someone what to do or feel the need to monitor them to make sure they don't do it.  If he decides on his own that he will really limit contact with her to allow your relationship to develop and can somehow prove it to you (that doesn't involve you monitoring him like a warden), I would maybe give him another chance.  It's his problem to figure out though.  I think you did the right thing breaking up with him for now.  He was definitely messing with trust and it's his to try to repair. good luck

[poetry]

8 hours ago, rjc149 said:

After 5 months of long-distance dating, you leave an amazing job to move in with him. Your priority, above all else, was locking him down into a domestic arrangement ASAP. That is WAYYY too soon to be wifing a guy up like that. 

 

 

He asked me to move in with him. I asked him many times if he is sure about that, if he is really over her. He said yes and that he sees future with me. I just wanted to believe it... 

He asked his ex to move in with him after 2 months, he does not wait long time I guess.

[Realitysux]

8 hours ago, rjc149 said:

After 5 months of long-distance dating, you leave an amazing job to move in with him. Your priority, above all else, was locking him down into a domestic arrangement ASAP. That is WAYYY too soon to be wifing a guy up like that. 

He's got 7 years with his ex. That's a lot of history. That doesn't get erased because you've made yourself right at home in his house and asked him to move her cups into the basement.

That doesn't mean you have no reason to be jealous or insecure. You do. He's clearly not over his ex. He's clearly not ready for a relationship with you. 

The issue, as I see it, is that you're making this about YOU. You dropped a career to lock him down -- for your happiness. You want him to commit to you after 5 months of dating-- for your happiness. You want him to delete the 7 years he's had with his ex -- for your happiness. 

I think the gracious, compassionate and humble thing to do is to understand that you forcing him to do something he's not ready to do, and he's begging and pleading after you because he doesn't want to be alone, not because he's ready to give you his all. 

It's just not the right time. Re-focus on yourself, and your career, and becoming someone who can be happy with herself, and not someone who needs to lock a man down. Then, revisit a relationship with him. Neither of you are in a good place for commitment to each other. Or anyone. 

 

When I'm struggling, which I'm not at the moment, I'm going to log on and read your posts. Very good advice!

[manfrombelow]

1 hour ago, poetry said:

He asked me to move in with him. I asked him many times if he is sure about that, if he is really over her. He said yes and that he sees future with me. I just wanted to believe it... 

He asked his ex to move in with him after 2 months, he does not wait long time I guess.

Sounds like your guy is the clingy and needy type who cannot content living and being happy on his own. Anyway, what's done is done. Godspeed!

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, poetry said:

He asked me to move in with him. I asked him many times if he is sure about that, if he is really over her. He said yes and that he sees future with me. I just wanted to believe it... 

He asked his ex to move in with him after 2 months, he does not wait long time I guess.

Well, then I think he was using you as a rebound. Often a rebounder will rush a relationship to get it up to speed with their former relationship, to fill that gap as quickly as possible. He is someone who needs a partner to feel whole, because he cannot be happy with himself. These are people who will be unhappy, whether in a relationship or not. 

 

 

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

When I'm struggling, which I'm not at the moment, I'm going to log on and read your posts. Very good advice!

I appreciate that, and I'm glad I can help. 

[d0nnivain]

There was never enough separation between this guy & his EX.  Why her new husband tolerates this is anybody's guess.  

Personally I think there were a lot of mistakes all around.  

Talking for 9 months before meeting is too long.  You made assumptions about how well you knew this guy when you didn't know him at all. 

Giving up a good job & relocating after only knowing him for 5 months.  Ugh. You didn't know him at all.  A good rule of thumb:  never move in until you have dated conventionally (not long distance) for at least 1 year; move in for love not economic necessity; never go straight from LDR to co-habitation.  There must be at least 6 months of living close together & having a conventional relationship. 

You also didn't ask enough Qs or listen to your gut.  You were bothered by the initial connections with this OW but you ignore them & unwisely moved forward. 

What's done is done.  You are out of this relationship.  Stay there.  Just be more circumspect with your next guy.  

[poetry]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

There was never enough separation between this guy & his EX.  Why her new husband tolerates this is anybody's guess.  

Personally I think there were a lot of mistakes all around.  

Talking for 9 months before meeting is too long.  You made assumptions about how well you knew this guy when you didn't know him at all. 

Giving up a good job & relocating after only knowing him for 5 months.  Ugh. You didn't know him at all.  A good rule of thumb:  never move in until you have dated conventionally (not long distance) for at least 1 year; move in for love not economic necessity; never go straight from LDR to co-habitation.  There must be at least 6 months of living close together & having a conventional relationship. 

You also didn't ask enough Qs or listen to your gut.  You were bothered by the initial connections with this OW but you ignore them & unwisely moved forward. 

What's done is done.  You are out of this relationship.  Stay there.  Just be more circumspect with your next guy.  

I know...I was extremly smitten...I can see now how naive I was. He was treating me like a princess...I did not experience this all the time I lived abroad (which was 5 years). 

We met on Tinder when I was visiting my country, I told him I live somewhere else, but we continued talking on fb just casually about travelling etc...we sent each others postcards from places we traveled too...but nothing serious. Then we decided to meet...but still, I did not expect anything from it. But the chemistry happened...

Never again! 

[poetry]

13 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

My comment is separate from your situation...

 

men and women can be friends.

 

men and women who had a relationship can end things and still be friends.  Sometimes peop,e may share interests and have some things in common. The problem is in having a relationship together ehere traits come out innthat that wouldn’t occur in a friendship such as jealous and trust, control, you aren’t yo,d who to have friends with, as well as how you live together like one is a mess vs neat freak, one is a morning person, the other is a night person, the habits or annoyances you thought were cute early on is now chalk screeching.  There are other reasons like one person felt something was missing even though everything was great.

 

as for you...what if this was a best male friend? Everything was the same?

I do not mind female friends. But this was a girl he was dating....if he was dating a guy, I would be jealouse as well

[Ami1uwant]

30 minutes ago, poetry said:

I do not mind female friends. But this was a girl he was dating....if he was dating a guy, I would be jealouse as well

 

Temove the fact they dated before and evaluate this if they are friends...

[d0nnivain]

Don't let this bad experience completely harden you toward love.  Just be a bit more cautious & when your gut is telling you something is off, listen. 

 

Be well

[smackie9]

Observe, and follow your gut. Never ask them to calm your suspicions...people lie/downplay, etc. Trust how you see it and feel it, not what comes out of their mouth.

[poetry]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Don't let this bad experience completely harden you toward love.  Just be a bit more cautious & when your gut is telling you something is off, listen. 

 

Be well

Thank you. You too

[kendahke]

15 hours ago, poetry said:

he actually said he is emotionally attached to his ex and does not think it is a bad thing,

That is your answer for your question.

He's not available to you nor does he want to be. He loves having convenient sex, but that's about it.

As long as he refuses to move off of her, your relationship with him is nothing more than a vehicle for him to mark time.

Edited May 20, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, poetry said:

He said yes and that he sees future with me.

 

15 hours ago, poetry said:

he said there was no love anymore and they did not have sex for 2 years)

he saw a future with sex in it. If it wasn't you, it'd have been another chick.

[poetry]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

That is your answer for your question.

He's not available to you nor does he want to be. He loves having convenient sex, but that's about it.

As long as he refuses to move off of her, your relationship with him is nothing more than a vehicle for him to mark time.

I was also thinking about this...but he was 10 years older than me (over 40) and not as sexually active as me and we talked a lot and did lots of things outsite, not just sex. Also he introduced me to his parents and he said he introduced just 2 girlfriends to them so far. Maybe he just wanted to be with someone so much because he wants a family and also people around pressured him to have kids asap? But because of this fixation on his ex (who did not want to have kids), he is not able to achieve it... I do not know... 

[lurker74]

Summarizing your post. This guy dates a woman from, say, 2010 to 2017 and she leaves him. They hook up a few more times but not since early 2018. He dates a couple other people but nothing doing. You two meet on Tinder but it takes almost a year before you meet. Because of the long time with undoubtedly countless messages and maybe calls, you two feel like you know each other when you do meet and so things proceed very quickly.

As things are proceeding, he confesses that he is closer to his ex than he intimated when you first met (or first started messaging). He then proceeds to do all that you ask...He shows you the messages, confirming that the topics are platonic. He ends the conversations and the lunches. He puts away her things. Did he even say no to one thing?

Listen, I get it. People who put their energy into relationships outside of the one they are in are being unfair. But this was a very new relationship versus someone he cared about for 10 years. You like to burn bridges, as does @Cookiesandough and others. But not everyone is that way. It isn't "right" to cut off an ex anymore than it is "right" to stay in touch. What is important here is that you feel it important that he end all contact with her. Is that fair? I don't know. But you have every right to demand it of a relationship so if he loves you, he should be willing to. 

But you may also want to examine why it bothers you. Are you afraid he will cheat? Was he not giving you enough energy and attention? Or are you insecure for some reason that is worth figuring out? I am friends with a few exes and not with others. I can tell you that I am careful that when I am in a relationship my energy goes to the one I'm with...if he's not doing that, then you should be upset. But if he was putting that energy into you but also cared about someone he was close to for a decade, you might want to consider some kind of middle ground rather than demand he end everything.

I get that this is an unpopular opinion but I'm OK with that.

[Lotsgoingon]

16 hours ago, poetry said:

I asked him in the beginning if they are in touch or not and he said something like once in a while...so I did not ask any more as I was ok with it. After two months I found out that they were talking on fb every single day since the day they broke up ...

Game over right here. No further. Over. "Once in a while" is a lie if he's talking to her everyday. 

You should have dumped him ... he revealed that he wasn't trustworthy. It's not your job to work hard to make room for his ongoing connection with an ex.

I am close friends with one of my exes ... but it took time ... we had a break of years not being close ... 

Here's the difference: my ex tells her husband all about me. He gets on the phone and sometimes I talk to both of them. He initiated a call recently because he knows I'm single and was worried about how I was doing during the virus lockdown. In other words, my ex hides nothing from her husband because there is nothing to hide. My ex and I are really close ... she's like a sister to me now ... and we talk on the phone ... maybe once a month or once every six weeks. 

You should have dumped him right away. 

 

[poetry]

1 hour ago, lurker74 said:

Summarizing your post. This guy dates a woman from, say, 2010 to 2017 and she leaves him. They hook up a few more times but not since early 2018. He dates a couple other people but nothing doing. You two meet on Tinder but it takes almost a year before you meet. Because of the long time with undoubtedly countless messages and maybe calls, you two feel like you know each other when you do meet and so things proceed very quickly.

As things are proceeding, he confesses that he is closer to his ex than he intimated when you first met (or first started messaging). He then proceeds to do all that you ask...He shows you the messages, confirming that the topics are platonic. He ends the conversations and the lunches. He puts away her things. Did he even say no to one thing?

Listen, I get it. People who put their energy into relationships outside of the one they are in are being unfair. But this was a very new relationship versus someone he cared about for 10 years. You like to burn bridges, as does @Cookiesandough and others. But not everyone is that way. It isn't "right" to cut off an ex anymore than it is "right" to stay in touch. What is important here is that you feel it important that he end all contact with her. Is that fair? I don't know. But you have every right to demand it of a relationship so if he loves you, he should be willing to. 

But you may also want to examine why it bothers you. Are you afraid he will cheat? Was he not giving you enough energy and attention? Or are you insecure for some reason that is worth figuring out? I am friends with a few exes and not with others. I can tell you that I am careful that when I am in a relationship my energy goes to the one I'm with...if he's not doing that, then you should be upset. But if he was putting that energy into you but also cared about someone he was close to for a decade, you might want to consider some kind of middle ground rather than demand he end everything.

I get that this is an unpopular opinion but I'm OK with that.

It is not unpopular at all I think  

Why it bothers me? I have nothing against staying friends with exes, but there must be some boundaries...one of my friends who got divorced after 10 years of marriage is also still in touch with her ex husband, but just like 3 times a year, just to catch up...I also think there is some "break" needed, at least few months so they make sure they are over it. What bothered me most was that I just did not feel I am good enough if he needs her so much in his life, I felt like an idiot because he lied to me. I was not actually woried he would cheat sexually, I was woried he would be cheating emotionally.  I have bad experiences from my past (yes, that is my emotional baggage) where I was lied to because of exes/extremely close female friends. So I am very insecure in this and need to really feel safe in order to be happy and not jealous. I have been working on this issue but this experience did not help at all. Also my father left me when I was younger, I think it all started there probably.

I think he put energy in our relationship. Only one thing I noticed was that I just did not get all the emotional intimity I could have had and deserved. 

[poetry]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Game over right here. No further. Over. "Once in a while" is a lie if he's talking to her everyday. 

You should have dumped him ... he revealed that he wasn't trustworthy. It's not your job to work hard to make room for his ongoing connection with an ex.

I am close friends with one of my exes ... but it took time ... we had a break of years not being close ... 

Here's the difference: my ex tells her husband all about me. He gets on the phone and sometimes I talk to both of them. He initiated a call recently because he knows I'm single and was worried about how I was doing during the virus lockdown. In other words, my ex hides nothing from her husband because there is nothing to hide. My ex and I are really close ... she's like a sister to me now ... and we talk on the phone ... maybe once a month or once every six weeks. 

You should have dumped him right away. 

 

I wanted to break up with when I found out, but he was fighting for me so much...Like he would do anything to be with me and I felt really wanted...it was just feeding my ego and I did not see reality.