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Specific opening message with particular OLD match


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Posted
4 hours ago, jspice said:

Your pictures sound exhausting. 
This is not a criticism of you. I’m not someone who likes hiking or any of that other super active stuff. 
 

i exercise in a gym. I like it but I don’t want to constantly be out doing sports. 
when I see profiles with pictures like this I’ll pass. 
It’s great that they’re active but it’s not for me.  
 

You may be trying to match with someone who isn’t as super active as you seem to be in your pictures. 
 

stop trying to be the “perfect guy” for them. Just be yourself. The right girl will like you back. This overthinking is useless. 
 

you’re going to have to constantly worry about saying or doing the right thing even if she says yes to that first date. 

I don't have to be super active, but I do like being active as well as just relaxing at home with a book or game. 

Would you put a picture up of you playing a board or card game? I just scrolled down on my sent page. It's just message after message that gets no response and not even a view half the time. There's no one left on the site for me to message. Wouldn't someone think it might be worth her time to message me?

Posted
2 hours ago, max3732 said:

I don't have to be super active, but I do like being active as well as just relaxing at home with a book or game. 

Would you put a picture up of you playing a board or card game? I just scrolled down on my sent page. It's just message after message that gets no response and not even a view half the time. There's no one left on the site for me to message. Wouldn't someone think it might be worth her time to message me?

But you have all these uber sporty action pics and you're approaching a gamer nerd who likes Disney.

Posted
4 hours ago, max3732 said:

I don't have to be super active, but I do like being active as well as just relaxing at home with a book or game. 

Would you put a picture up of you playing a board or card game? I just scrolled down on my sent page. It's just message after message that gets no response and not even a view half the time. There's no one left on the site for me to message. Wouldn't someone think it might be worth her time to message me?

When I did online dating I had a headshot like you, and then one out somewhere maybe in another country, or out with friends ( but no friends in the picture).

Online daters are fickle, both men and women. That’s why I say it’s pointless to analyse everything you do and don’t do. Start as you mean to go on. How are you going to sustain a relationship without coming back here every time  

What picture should I put up?

what message should I send?

Where to go on a first date/second/ third/ tenth date?

 

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Posted
2 hours ago, jspice said:

When I did online dating I had a headshot like you, and then one out somewhere maybe in another country, or out with friends ( but no friends in the picture).

Online daters are fickle, both men and women. That’s why I say it’s pointless to analyse everything you do and don’t do. Start as you mean to go on. How are you going to sustain a relationship without coming back here every time  

What picture should I put up?

what message should I send?

Where to go on a first date/second/ third/ tenth date?

 

Maybe you're right. It's just I can't believe that so many women who live nearby are paying for a dating service and come across my message and profile and aren't even interested enough to respond and in many cases look at my profile. I see these guys on the news that are abusive to their wives/girlfriends, that have no job, are addicts, or whatever and I'm well traveled, educated, with a great job and financially successful that's in great physical shape with a good family and friends that just wants to find someone special to spend time with and I send out message after message that gets ignored. 

I'm almost tempted to do a screenshot showing profile after profile that I've messaged that's ignored me. When I did speed dating one of the women (that I wasn't interested in) asked how I could still be single and I still can't figure it out. I really want to know what these women who see my message and profile are thinking. I can't even find one that wants to talk to me.

Posted (edited)

max...also consider where you live. Right now a lot of people still aren't really dating yet. That doesn't stop them from wanting attention on dating sites

Edited by Cookiesandough
Posted
On 5/20/2020 at 9:54 AM, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Just an FYI. Similar, current thread. :)

I would definitely go with a message that shows that you have read her/his profile in some way. A couple of sentences with a question for prompted response. 

 

I'll have to respectfully disagree here. Given that it's OLD, she's gotten dozens of messages commenting on her profile in some way. My opening shot was always something off-the-cuff and funny that had nothing to do with a woman's profile. My response rate went through the roof when I started doing this as it stands out and draws attention. Subsequent messages always involved something regarding their profile but never the first.

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Posted
7 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

My opening shot was always something off-the-cuff and funny that had nothing to do with a woman's profile.

My response rate went through the roof when I started doing this as it stands out.

As a woman who when doing OLD, has been the recipient of hundreds of messages, this^ is spot on!  :D

 

Posted
7 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

 

I'll have to respectfully disagree here. Given that it's OLD, she's gotten dozens of messages commenting on her profile in some way. My opening shot was always something off-the-cuff and funny that had nothing to do with a woman's profile. My response rate went through the roof when I started doing this as it stands out and draws attention. Subsequent messages always involved something regarding their profile but never the first.

Honestly, if the person is interested, it won't matter much what you say. I have done nothing more than 'how are you?' and gotten a response. I think most would agree that a tad more substance to one's message is more likely to get a response. Again, the responder will dictate when it is appropriate to respond and may have nothing to do with what you message. No reason you cannot use humor in any response, including those involving a detail in the profile. 

Posted (edited)

Gr8, this is the opening message.  How can someone be interested before ever receiving a message?   And chatting a bit?  

By interested, do you mean they simply like your profile pic and profile?  

I always needed at least some interaction before becoming interested, just me though.  

I never cared for the standard message discussing my profile, that came later. 

I needed something to "grab" me initially, like O&H posted. 

Again, just me though, we're all different.

 

Edited by poppyfields
Posted
Just now, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Honestly, if the person is interested, it won't matter much what you say. I have done nothing more than 'how are you?' and gotten a response. I think most would agree that a tad more substance to one's message is more likely to get a response. Again, the responder will dictate when it is appropriate to respond and may have nothing to do with what you message. No reason you cannot use humor in any response, including those involving a detail in the profile

 

That was what I tried initially and it backfired on me more often than not. The lack of tone via text can make it sound like you're poking fun at their interests, no mater how you spin it..I got more "read/deleted" with that approach than any other.. My openers are completely obscure: "First date thought; Bigfoot hunt. Not because I'm a conspiracy theorist; the dude is awful at poker and owes me money. -insert dumb emoji-". That drew their attention to my profile which was just one long running joke with references to pop culture.

Those two approaches scored me dates but (unfortunately) I really started drawing women's interest when I put up a couple of full body shots in a tasteful but rather tight polo shirt. Welcome to the meat market.

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Posted
18 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

 

I'll have to respectfully disagree here. Given that it's OLD, she's gotten dozens of messages commenting on her profile in some way. My opening shot was always something off-the-cuff and funny that had nothing to do with a woman's profile. My response rate went through the roof when I started doing this as it stands out and draws attention. Subsequent messages always involved something regarding their profile but never the first.

22 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

 

I'll have to respectfully disagree here. Given that it's OLD, she's gotten dozens of messages commenting on her profile in some way. My opening shot was always something off-the-cuff and funny that had nothing to do with a woman's profile. My response rate went through the roof when I started doing this as it stands out and draws attention. Subsequent messages always involved something regarding their profile but never the first.

Can you give an example of something you'd send or how you'd figure out what to say if it didn't involve her profile?

There was another profile that mentioned gaming and in my 1st message I said the recent games I've been playing and asked if she's played them or what kind of games she likes. No response. So just yesterday I sent a follow up message (like 2 months later) after reading her profile again and noticed she said that's shy until she gets to know people. So my message was something like "I understand you're shy until you get to know people. I used to be that way too, but now I'm pretty friendly and would there's no reason for you to be shy and not even say hello". 

That got me some kind of response...she blocked me.

The "dating expert" said my opening messages were fine, but I've got a mile long list of no responses or blocked profiles that indicates otherwise. 

I definitely need to change the opening message

Posted
Just now, OatsAndHall said:

That was what I tried initially and it backfired on me more often than not. The lack of tone via text can make it sound like you're poking fun at their interests, no mater how you spin it..I got more "read/deleted" with that approach than any other.. My openers are completely obscure: "First date thought; Bigfoot hunt. Not because I'm a conspiracy theorist; the dude is awful at poker and owes me money. -insert dumb emoji-". That drew their attention to my profile which was just one long running joke with references to pop culture.

Those two approaches scored me dates but (unfortunately) I really started drawing women's interest when I put up a couple of full body shots in a tasteful but rather tight polo shirt. Welcome to the meat market.

Let's be honest...the first thing anyone notices are the pics. If your witty or elaborate message doesn't accompany a few nice pics, you 'ain't' getting a response. Or if you do, you get a nice rejection. :D 

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Posted
3 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Let's be honest...the first thing anyone notices are the pics. If your witty or elaborate message doesn't accompany a few nice pics, you 'ain't' getting a response. Or if you do, you get a nice rejection. :D 

I don't know what else to do with the pics. Maybe my pics are all too active so I'm thinking of putting one where I'm playing cards or something. What about harvesting fruit from a rare tree or cooking to show another side? Will cooking turn off women?

Posted
1 minute ago, max3732 said:

Can you give an example of something you'd send or how you'd figure out what to say if it didn't involve her profile?

"First date necessities: running shoes and an alibi... We're going to liberate some lawn gnomes! ;)"

"Would you like to go watch the stars with me? Well, not really the stars; I'm looking for UFOs. Little b-stards kept my wallet the last time they dropped me off.."

"I love walks on the beach at sunset... It HAS to be around or before sunset though.. The judge gave me a curfew..." (This one is great for finding women with a dry sense of humor)

I have more but those three (and the Bigfoot remark) got responses.

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I don't know what else to do with the pics. Maybe my pics are all too active so I'm thinking of putting one where I'm playing cards or something. What about harvesting fruit from a rare tree or cooking to show another side? Will cooking turn off women?

Dude, I literally took a pic of myself in a mirror with a tight polo that showed my chest and arms and got more responses... It's OLD; it truly is a meat market. There are plenty of fit guys on there with tight (or no) shirts on that draw attention. Coming across as witty just sets one apart a bit more.

And, I'll be blunt, if you're in "average shape", you need to sell yourself as witty, intelligent and charming even more.

Edited by OatsAndHall
Posted
13 minutes ago, max3732 said:

There was another profile that mentioned gaming and in my 1st message I said the recent games I've been playing and asked if she's played them or what kind of games she likes. No response. So just yesterday I sent a follow up message (like 2 months later) after reading her profile again and noticed she said that's shy until she gets to know people. So my message was something like "I understand you're shy until you get to know people. I used to be that way too, but now I'm pretty friendly and would there's no reason for you to be shy and not even say hello". 

That got me some kind of response...she blocked me.

 

max, allow me to be blunt, both those message were a bit of a yawn, next.  Sorry mate.  :(

And I don't care how hot your pics are, if your initial message doesn't grab me in some way, I probably won't respond. 

I and many women I know need more than a pretty face and hot bod.  And if a man believes he can be lazy with his opening message because he's hot, for ME, it's next. 

Be creative max, something to grab her.  No one can do this for you, or feed you lines to say, they have to come from you

Posted
17 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I don't know what else to do with the pics. Maybe my pics are all too active so I'm thinking of putting one where I'm playing cards or something. What about harvesting fruit from a rare tree or cooking to show another side? Will cooking turn off women?

Be careful you don't sell yourself short. If being active is important, don't undermine that message with your pics. It could be that some are thinking that you are too 'up-tight' or don't know how to just chill, but, all my pics are clearly either of me being active or just having some fun, smiling. 

Again, messaging is really subjective in so many ways. I have gotten responses from women whose very own profiles state that they will not respond to simple messages and then I message, 'hi, how are you?' and get a response. Your pics make a huge difference. Obviously, I am speaking for all women, no one can, but do not short change yourself by being who you are not. Your profile needs to reflect who you really are and what you expect from your partner, at least, mine does. 

I recently commented on a profile of a woman who was planning a vacation. She was asking where she should go. I suggested locations near me, in my state. Lo and behold, she was doing exactly that. She obviously responded to my message, we planned, we met, and now we will meet again and hope to create something more deliberate and solid. Our mutual profiles, most important of all, resonated with one another. Both super fit, active, and adventurous. I feel that she is more fit than I. Shoot, I know she is. :D 

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Posted
33 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Be careful you don't sell yourself short. If being active is important, don't undermine that message with your pics. It could be that some are thinking that you are too 'up-tight' or don't know how to just chill, but, all my pics are clearly either of me being active or just having some fun, smiling. 

Again, messaging is really subjective in so many ways. I have gotten responses from women whose very own profiles state that they will not respond to simple messages and then I message, 'hi, how are you?' and get a response. Your pics make a huge difference. Obviously, I am speaking for all women, no one can, but do not short change yourself by being who you are not. Your profile needs to reflect who you really are and what you expect from your partner, at least, mine does. 

I recently commented on a profile of a woman who was planning a vacation. She was asking where she should go. I suggested locations near me, in my state. Lo and behold, she was doing exactly that. She obviously responded to my message, we planned, we met, and now we will meet again and hope to create something more deliberate and solid. Our mutual profiles, most important of all, resonated with one another. Both super fit, active, and adventurous. I feel that she is more fit than I. Shoot, I know she is. :D 

As far as photos I do actually cook and spend time in the garden too, but didn't really think it was worth putting pictures of that. Given that I've got some active pictures up maybe ones like that along with playing a card or board game would broaden the potential matches so they don't think I'm just into being physically active.

I don't understand these profiles that show people at the gym or doing weights. I exercise 5 to 6 days a week but view it more like brushing my teeth. It's just something I do to stay in shape so I can enjoy tennis or skiing or whatever as I get older and also keeps me in decent shape. I don't really define myself by my workouts.  

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Posted
47 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

max, allow me to be blunt, both those message were a bit of a yawn, next.  Sorry mate.  :(

And I don't care how hot your pics are, if your initial message doesn't grab me in some way, I probably won't respond. 

I and many women I know need more than a pretty face and hot bod.  And if a man believes he can be lazy with his opening message because he's hot, for ME, it's next. 

Be creative max, something to grab her.  No one can do this for you, or feed you lines to say, they have to come from you

If I do something not based on her profile I thought she'd assume I just got it off the internet. Would you relate it to something about her or just try and do a clever line? To me reading through someone's profile and asking her about an interest isn't being lazy, but then again I have a terrible track record and need to change.

You'd like something a little more silly and off the wall like asking a gamer what game she'd like to be stuck in or asking someone who says she loves the water if she can introduce me to the little Mermaid? I guess I can't do worse than I'm doing already

Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, max3732 said:

As far as photos I do actually cook and spend time in the garden too, but didn't really think it was worth putting pictures of that. Given that I've got some active pictures up maybe ones like that along with playing a card or board game would broaden the potential matches so they don't think I'm just into being physically active.

I don't understand these profiles that show people at the gym or doing weights. I exercise 5 to 6 days a week but view it more like brushing my teeth. It's just something I do to stay in shape so I can enjoy tennis or skiing or whatever as I get older and also keeps me in decent shape. I don't really define myself by my workouts.  

I don’t frequent the gym. I am very active and fit, but predominantly doing outdoor activities, running, hiking, CrossFit, kayaking, snowshoeing, etc. no pics of me in a gym, clearly showing my lifestyle.

I also include that I make my own soap, cook, crochet, etc. I normally get interesting messages just out of curiosity. 😜

Edited by Gr8fuln2020
Posted (edited)

Some women take dating sites more seriously and may be turned off by a man who uses humor too frivolously. Check out the thread in the other sub forum “when they sound ticked off from the get go...” xD 

Edited by Cookiesandough
Posted (edited)

Max, I think you're assuming that there is some rule or formula for this, and if only you can crack what it is, you'll get more responses. Your follow-up message to the woman who didn't reply (pointing out that being shy is no reason not to say hello) is a case in point. From your perspective, you were just following good OLD advice (making a comment that showed you'd read her profile). But while that is good general advice, it doesn't automatically guarantee replies, and reacting as you did probably came across to that user as passive-aggressive and entitled. No matter what you do on OLD - no matter how good your pictures are, no matter how interesting your profile is - no one owes anyone a response. People are free to view or not view a profile as they choose, to reply or not reply as they choose. I sent messages to a few men on Bumble and had no reply, and I was puzzled, as they'd swiped right on my profile, we seemed to have common interests, and they seemed well within my league in terms of looks. But thinking of possible reasons why they didn't want to message me and trying to figure out how to change that would only have left me self-conscious and even more nervous. You just have to accept that there is no magic formula to make someone talk to you and their behaviour will not always make sense.

Edited by balletomane
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Posted

Yep, no magic bullet. But it does behoove you to be authentic to yourself and others. Have your s*** together. Show pics that show that you have your s*** together. You are presenting the most attractive product of yourself as possible. You need to sell yourself. First impressions are those on your profile. It is what it is...

Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Would you relate it to something about her or just try and do a clever line? To me reading through someone's profile and asking her about an interest isn't being lazy, but then again I have a terrible track record and need to change.

It's all in how you present it max.  Sure you can message something mentioned in her profile, but be creative about it!  :) 

Your goal is to grab her and stand out from the other 100+ guys messaging. 

Simply asking or mentioning something in her profile typically doesn't cut it as you're discovering.  At least not for many women who again are receiving 100s of messages. 

Maybe do some research about how to develop good on-line game or something lol, use it as  guide, but make it your own.  

Some guys have a knack for this, others don't.  

My bf grabbed me his initial message to me.  He was only the second man I met from on line after chatting with many, but he'd been doing OLD for years and guess he learned through trial and error what worked and what didn't. 

He's a big natural tease anyway though, which I happen to like, and he was able to pull me that way very quickly. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Posted
1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

It's all in how you present it max.  Sure you can message something mentioned in her profile, but be creative about it!  :) 

Your goal is to grab her and stand out from the other 100+ guys messaging. 

Simply asking or mentioning something in her profile typically doesn't cut it as you're discovering.  At least not for many women who again are receiving 100s of messages. 

Maybe do some research about how to develop good on-line game or something lol, use it as  guide, but make it your own.  

Some guys have a knack for this, others don't.  

My bf grabbed me his initial message to me.  He was only the second man I met from on line after chatting with many, but he'd been doing OLD for years and guess he learned through trial and error what worked and what didn't. 

He's a big natural tease anyway though, which I happen to like, and he was able to pull me that way very quickly. 

Alright, I will go through some of the women I've already messaged and try sending something more creative. They've already ignored me and so the worst that can happen is they block me and I'm right back where I started.

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