BJP1991 Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Seeing a girl for close to a month - started out once weekly, currently about twice weekly. Lots of sex, very passionate, shared interests, etc - I dig her quite a bit. I need to be cautious, however... Our second date she told me she was married at 20 but has been separated for a few years- not a big deal I figured. I don’t care if a girl was married, as long as she isn’t still married... Only recently did she finally reveal she, in fact, is still married, but separated. Has been for some time now (multiple years). However the keyword there is “multiple years”. Why not split sooner? She made reasons about him being difficult, her family still wanting him as part of their family, lotta bulls*** She’s very open about the details of her past relationship and why it was bad (addictions, gambling, turned out to be someone different/lying and deceit). I plan to just ask her if she had a plan or timeline or else I’m just have to be out probably - I don’t want to be second fiddle to a married girls man, even if they’ve been apart for a good amount time. They’re still bound together... Can you guys let me know thoughts? I would be pretty damn happy if she wasn’t friggen married...
May Showers Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Well these situations can be complex. I have run into this over my dating years where someone was separated but not yet divorced but wanting to date. At least she told you she's separated. A lot of the guys would say they were divorced, then reveal the truth after a number of dates. That never sat well with me. You can pull back a bit if you feel like it, give her time for the story to unfold to you because she could be a liar or she could be a victim of circumstance. Watch for when she can meet you. Is she often unavailable? Are there times of the day she can't talk? Does she make weird excuses and cancel at the last minute? These are the signs to watch for to see if she is actually still carrying on a relationship with him. There are tons of reasons that the divorce could be dragged out for years. Fast divorces take 3-6 months. A couple of years is not unusual, especially with someone who has all the problems she said her ex had. If you like her this much, give her time. But also be honest with yourself if this is a dealbreaker. For some, it is.
Author BJP1991 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 18 minutes ago, May Showers said: Well these situations can be complex. I have run into this over my dating years where someone was separated but not yet divorced but wanting to date. At least she told you she's separated. A lot of the guys would say they were divorced, then reveal the truth after a number of dates. That never sat well with me. You can pull back a bit if you feel like it, give her time for the story to unfold to you because she could be a liar or she could be a victim of circumstance. Watch for when she can meet you. Is she often unavailable? Are there times of the day she can't talk? Does she make weird excuses and cancel at the last minute? These are the signs to watch for to see if she is actually still carrying on a relationship with him. There are tons of reasons that the divorce could be dragged out for years. Fast divorces take 3-6 months. A couple of years is not unusual, especially with someone who has all the problems she said her ex had. If you like her this much, give her time. But also be honest with yourself if this is a dealbreaker. For some, it is. She’s usually very responsive to make plans and see one another. She’s never made excuses or reasons to flake out. What I’m struggling with is how to handle the situation/what to say about it so I can be clear that I don’t want to get hurt or just be there for attention/whatever else etc. I do want a relationship. I don’t want one with someone who is married but not making plans to become un-married. I feel like that’s isn’t too much to ask for...
Ami1uwant Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Wait..on date 2 she said she was separated...did you know what that means? legally separated mean you are legally still married. you can ask her why no divorce yet? There could be reasons such as if they still have kids or she needs health insurance. She married him to get a green card or he get a green card. 2
ChatroomHero Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 One thing doesn't add up. If anyone has lived with an addict, they can tell you your greatest goal at some point is to get away and break all ties with them. It doesn't make sense she would separate from a guy that was an addict and had a gambling problem, he can do a lot of damage to her name and bank account and get away with it still being legally married. I doubt her family knows he's an addict and would MAKE her not divorce him so he could be around...being divorced does not stop him from seeing her family. I can tell you that even before seeing it herself, if he had addictions and a gambling problem at least most people in her family would scream at her to get the hell out. It's one thing if she is with an addict and can't leave him. But she showed she can leave him by separating so that is not the problem, so I guarantee if he was an addict and gambler she already did the hard part of leaving so to get it set in stone and break financial ties and liabilities is the absolute first thing she would have done if her story was true. I have a feeling she lied. She's not over him or still with him in some way. Just my guess.
Miss Spider Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 (edited) Mmm it’s a bit of a red flag, imo. Like, if I’m looking for something serious and start dating this guy and then a month into he drops he’s still married... I don’t know how I’d feel, but I doubt I would be all that cool. I’d feel kind of bamboozled, actually. That’s kind of pertinent information? Being married and all? And yes, her reasons as to why are also kind of flaggy... they don’t make a great deal of sense. Be wary... Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough
schlumpy Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Yes, don't ignore the red flag. She didn't tell you she was married until she was sure you have feelings for her. Investigate. If you can afford it, hire a private investigator to get the information you need. Second option is to use the online searches that scour databases for information on people. You may have to join the site for a period of time and I can't vouch for the quality of information they provide. Most of it should be public record. Third option is to talk to her EX and her family directly. I don't know how you verify what they tell you but you should come away knowing more then you did before. Of course, this may affect your relationship as it generates trust issues. The best course is for her to encourage you to talk with her family or EX to verify what she's telling you. I don't think it's that unusual for couples to separate and not divorce. My own sister was in that situation for a few years until her EX decided he wanted to remarry and paid for the divorce. It's usually about the cost.
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 9 hours ago, BJP1991 said: Our second date she told me she was married at 20 but has been separated for a few years- not a big deal I figured. I don’t care if a girl was married, as long as she isn’t still married... Only recently did she finally reveal she, in fact, is still married, but separated. You contradict yourself. On date 2 she told you she was separated. Separated by definition means still married. So what do you mean that she only recently revealed that she was still married but separated? Did you just come to learn that separated & divorced are not synonyms? I dated a guy a few years back who had been separated from his wife for at least 4 years before I got involved with him. I asked what the hold up was. He said he didn't want the divorce in the beginning, even though she cheated & then he really didn't have the money. We met shortly after 9/11 in the aftermath of the dot.com bust so the lack of money for a good lawyer was understandable. Still I made it a condition -- file or I'm gone. He filed. Our relationship didn't work out because ultimately he lied to me & told me his divorce went through when it had not. That may be a cautionary tale against dating a separated person. 1
introverted1 Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 In many states, a legal separation is just about as good as a divorce, minus the costs of divorce. In states where legal separation is an option, couples divide assets and everything is spelled out in a Separation Maintenance decree that is notarized and filed with the court. People who go through this process can file as single with the IRS. People sometimes go this route because it lets them maintain heal insurance or other benefits. Is this her situation? Or by "separated" does she just mean that they don't live together but have no formal agreement about how they live apart?
Fletch Lives Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 (edited) She did not lie, she told you she was separated. Separated is married. It can be okay to date a married woman if she has cut all ties with hubby for years, including moving out. With that time apart, she's probably over him and ready for love again, that's good. The problem happens when she is still involved in some way - still living with and attached, or he is a stalker. So what's the deal here, is there any problem? 11 hours ago, BJP1991 said: She made reasons about him being difficult, her family still wanting him as part of their family - This is the red flag. He's difficult and still involved with family, which means he's still involved with his wife - he's a stalker, at the least. You are just the other man. Get out today - the longer you play with a taken woman, the harder the breakup will be. Edited May 19, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Well, sounds like you misunderstood her on your second date. She is still married and there are VERY IMPORTANT reasons why she has not ended it. I will say, regardless of the reasons, they will affect any move on your part to have a healthy and hassle-free relationship with this woman. This is especially true if what the woman has said about her ex not-ex.
kendahke Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, introverted1 said: In many states, a legal separation is just about as good as a divorce, except the person you're still married to is the legal next of kin and can make hospital decisions for you if you can't... should you die and you're with someone else, they can throw your partner out in the street because they have no legal leg to stand on. Only death and divorce dissolves a legal union. Divorce if you don't want to be messy or leave a mess for others you claim to care about to clean up. OP--for whatever reason, divorcing her husband ain't on her radar and hasn't been. Broke people divorce all the time if their freedom is important to them. She's getting something out of not filing and finalizing. Edited May 19, 2020 by kendahke
Happy Lemming Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 13 hours ago, BJP1991 said: Lots of sex... ...she was married at 20 but has been separated for a few years- Where is the problem?? You are getting "lots of sex" and you don't have to worry about her pressuring you to get married, as she can't. That would be bigamy! I very much enjoyed dating both married and separated women, I never had to worry about them whining about marriage/wedding or any of that other "legal commitment" garbage. I dated this one woman for about two years, she had been "legally separated" from her husband for about 20 years. Neither one of them ever filed... I have no idea why and I didn't really care. She went by her maiden name, but was still legally married to her husband. The sex was great and I didn't have to worry about any type of "legal commitment". YEA!!!
smackie9 Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Dude she lied to you period. Stop being so gullible. If she lied about that, she's just gonna keep blowin smoke up your butt, for just about anything that comes out of her mouth. Don't let the sex cloud your better judgement. Now if you want to keep plowing her, that's fine, keep it FWB or booty calls, but don't invest emotionally, or financially towards this person. 3 1
rjc149 Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 16 hours ago, BJP1991 said: Our second date she told me she was married at 20 but has been separated for a few years- not a big deal I figured. I don’t care if a girl was married, as long as she isn’t still married... Only recently did she finally reveal she, in fact, is still married, but separated. "She told me on the 2nd date that she was married, but is now separated and has been for years --- BUT --- just recently, she finally revealed that she was married, but is now separated and has been for years." Unless I missed something. They are married on legal paper but the marriage is long over. If your respect the legally-binding document that ties her and her husband together, that's your call and a matter of what you're comfortable with. If they were very recently separated, I would be wary of rebounding potential and raw, unstable emotions. But it sounds like she's long over it and has moved on to you. If you want something serious with her, then yeah, it's a logistical issue, not so much of an honesty issue (from the information provided).
OatsAndHall Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 Divorces can be expensive and can drag out when there's assets and kids involved. My gf has been divorced for three years (I know for sure; I did my research) but it took her two years to save up the cash for a lawyer. She needed that lawyer because of the financial damage her ex-husband had done; she was looking at losing assets and a mountain of debt without one. Sometimes it absolutely takes a lawyer to cut that anchor of an ex from the boat. But, if I were in your shoes, I would dig further. A $5 background check can reveal a lot of information that will tell you just how truthful she is being. Hell, you can do the free search and get her husband's current address as well as hers which will tell you if they're truly separated.
Author BJP1991 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 Thanks - I agree that I’m at least a bit entitled to know. After all, I don’t want to get invested only to get hurt because she keeps kicking the can down the road. Any advice on how to approach or ask her if she has plans for things to be finalized without being too cold? I do want to make it clear that my side of the relationship matters and it isn’t tooooo much to ask for to date a girl who isn’t married still, even if separated and not living together for several years. It’s apparent they’re in some form of contact as well, with the family tie and her family still treating him like they want him as part of theirs. Honestly if there’s no obvious plan or idea for a finalized divorce, then I feel like I’m kind of wasting my time, aside from having some regular physical action. Thoughts/recommendations? Will be seeing her in a few days from now.
kendahke Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 55 minutes ago, BJP1991 said: Any advice on how to approach or ask her if she has plans for things to be finalized without being too cold? Take into consideration that she's wanting to enter into an involvement with you where you can end up investing time, youth, treasury and she still may never divorce him. I don't see looking out for your own best interests as cold--I think being direct is the best way to seal up her avenues of obfuscation. Ask her how she sees her life 5 years from now and what her intentions are. That should tell you what you need to know. Frankly, these are public records--you really dont' need to ask her if she's filed; you can look that up yourself.
preraph Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 She's using her parents as an excuse to keep him around. I mean I'm sure you can't really see yourself sharing holidays with him and her and her parents. Maybe this is the kick in the pants she needs to grow up.
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