Jaclin01 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Hello, I am new here, and find myself alone and not wanting to speak to my family. I went from seperated to divorce of a 21 year marriage. I have two teenage boys that live with my bi-weekly. After the seperation I looked on line to see what was dating would be like for middle age, and fell into a relationship with a man 8 years older than I am. A lot of things have happened, and I feel as if I was more connned than anything. I am looking for a group of people that I can share my story with or get advice and maybe hope. He says that he would fall in love with me if I get stomach surgery, that my kitty belly is really ugly, and I am not a huge person. He said that he wanted move in with him ( says this when he wants me to co-sign) <--which I didn't... and no my children are the reason we will never leave together... He seems to be finding more and more excuses after I dug him out of a deep hole of debt. Anyway, I want to believe there is a life after divorce and being a mother. :( Hope this group can help.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Why did you dig him out of debt? How long have you known this person? He sounds awful, and verbally abusive. 1
Blind-Sided Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Yep... I would have never dug someone out that I didn't know. But I'm sorry for where you are now. Honestly... hearing the story you have shared with us... I would think it's just time to walk away.
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 Thank you. Yeah, I have a kind of big heart, and felt bad for him. He has his own business (dump truck - transport) And the truck was always in repairs. I did not lend him the money thinking I would be in love or get love. I just have a hard time saying no... and I am NOT rich. He tries to make me feel ugly and that it's because of him that I look good or am strong... I know it's an insecurity for him, and maninpulation. But now you use my two teenage boys as a reason that we would never be together. He says with my age and having teenage boys that I would never be able to have stability for years.. I have a reallly long story.. I am just now in an apartment after living in a home... and it's hard to live above a landlord after so many years. I am not looking to live with someone... but I am so disapointed that this man led me on for so long as if we will be together. He says.. "what is the problem, we go out, i buy you things, we make love"... if you want to leave and find someone, go ahead, we will still be friends" Like it's nothing... Tells me that no one will take me seriously until my kids will be gone, and then says, which will be forever.. WOW.. Just want to know if someone else after divorce go this s***... I know I should walk away
Realitysux Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Jaclin01 said: Thank you. Yeah, I have a kind of big heart, and felt bad for him. He has his own business (dump truck - transport) And the truck was always in repairs. I did not lend him the money thinking I would be in love or get love. I just have a hard time saying no... and I am NOT rich. He tries to make me feel ugly and that it's because of him that I look good or am strong... I know it's an insecurity for him, and maninpulation. But now you use my two teenage boys as a reason that we would never be together. He says with my age and having teenage boys that I would never be able to have stability for years.. I have a reallly long story.. I am just now in an apartment after living in a home... and it's hard to live above a landlord after so many years. I am not looking to live with someone... but I am so disapointed that this man led me on for so long as if we will be together. He says.. "what is the problem, we go out, i buy you things, we make love"... if you want to leave and find someone, go ahead, we will still be friends" Like it's nothing... Tells me that no one will take me seriously until my kids will be gone, and then says, which will be forever.. WOW.. Just want to know if someone else after divorce go this s***... I know I should walk away Deleted comment. I don't have any help to offer Edited May 18, 2020 by Realitysux Add
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Being a single mother is not a curse. You can do much better than this man. Consider this a learning experience of what you DON'T want and throw this one back! 2 1
lurker74 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Wow - this will be brief but happy to expand if you find it useful. END THE "RELATIONSHIP." What he is doing is a form of abuse. It involves control and carrot and stick activity until your entire world rises and falls by him. He is even likely trying (at least subconsciously) to get between you and your children by painting them as an obstacle. Do not let him. You have to learn that being alone is good, that it builds strength rather than weakens, that it is the path to truly BEING with someone. Be alone for a while and re-learn who you were before you got married and long before you met this jerk. And the belly thing? That should've been the breaking point earlier. No one will fall in love with you if you just.............. 4
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 You need to learn to recognize red flags. Anybody who asks you for money -- red flag. Anybody who demands you get surgery -- red flag Anybody who insults you or undermines your confidence -- red flag Substance abuse -- red flag General rudeness -- red flag People who try to isolate you from your family & friends -- red flag It's lovely that you have a big heart & are a generous person, just keep a reign on that until you know for certain that the other person is worthy of your largess. I would have been gone at the 1st request for $$ & the 2nd insult. 3 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Jaclin01. Sorry to hear this. He really does not have much invested in the relationship. He could take it or leave it. He is a user for certain. He is a man who is financially undermined and controlling and sorry to say, very likely engaged in the relationship to find someone to help him financially and never really interested in you or being a part of your family. Ugh. No need to say much more than d0nnivain did. I would recommend you stay away from anyone who asks for money or any arrangement that involves you investing your money. These are not people you want to be in a relationship with. Good luck and move on. There are people out there, middle aged (?), who also have children and/or finished raising theirs who continue to look for relationships. He was trying to use another classic strategy frequently used by abusers and manipulators to subvert your self-esteem to reconsider leaving him and/or making him feel better about himself. 1 1
SumGuy Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Jaclin01 said: ... He says with my age and having teenage boys that I would never be able to have stability for years..... but I am so disapointed that this man led me on for so long as if we will be together. He says.. "what is the problem, we go out, i buy you things, we make love"... if you want to leave and find someone, go ahead, we will still be friends" Like it's nothing... Tells me that no one will take me seriously until my kids will be gone, and then says, which will be forever.. WOW.. Just want to know if someone else after divorce go this s***... I know I should walk away First, utter BS because you have kids there is no stability. I have 3 teenagers, I got it a little bit from one woman I dated, just a little, she told me she dated me despite me still having kids at home ...which I thought was amusing because she had a 25+ year old son living with her (he was a good guy just struggling then). Of course the reason is she wanted to like really, really travel, like month away, even though we went away at least one weekend a month and for weeks in the summer. It still worked out for some time...and I could say she "misled" me but not really. I don't call it misleading so much as people say a lot of things they mean in the moment, and a lot have a really hard time with follow through. On his response, I call that loving being with you not in love with you, and even then not that much. Your 8 years younger and he gets to make love to you, that is all he wants, it won't be forever and from how he is behaving now, without having to face life difficulties together, I don't think you'd want forever with him. His go ahead we will still be friends could well be game playing, posturing to appear "strong." Combine that with his criticizing your body (it seems pretty often and in a demanding way) yet he still wants to have sex with you...yah he is full of it. On the body criticism, is he like really in shape or something? If dinner and sex is what he has to offer, there are plenty of men who are up for such a low investment situation...he isn't anything special. Not sure if he is doing it, but this stuff sounds a lot like negging. I understand wanting the security of having someone there, but this guy is false security and he is more likely to take than give. I would like to believe this kind of behavior is more prevalent after being divorced, but if honest with myself and everyone I know, people who are emotionally distant and users act this way no matter where you are in life. Just when you are divorced with kids they have a ready made excuse, and also they think people divorced with kids are desperate. Don't be desperate, move on from this guy. If you want to take it slow tell him you need a break for him, from seeing each other...use COVID-19 if you have to. Then just never get back together with him. People will take you seriously, in fact divorced women with teenagers are at the top of my list in that department as they completely get my situation and their kids are old enough we can spend the night out with no worries. This guy is so wrong, he may be right about men like him...but I think you are seeing you don't want men like him. 1 1
rjc149 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 OP, when you walk away from people who disrespect you, you keep your pride and dignity, and it's actually a mental confidence booster. Try it! 2 1
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 1 hour ago, rjc149 said: OP, when you walk away from people who disrespect you, you keep your pride and dignity, and it's actually a mental confidence booster. Try it! Yup, and self-esteem booster too! 1
mark clemson Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 It very much sounds like you were in part dated for the "financial help" and now he's backing off. Agree that you should walk away. If there's a way to get most of your money back while emotionally detaching, you should probably do that too. Not sure how feasible that is, but perhaps you'll think of something.
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) Sorry if this comes off harsh, just trying to be honest/helpful, but it sounds like you kind of have low self esteem at the moment and people tend to be able to sniff that and desperation out. You will prob attract douchebag opportunists/abusers like this guy with that mindset. Im glad you didn’t co-sign. Smart move. Move on from him , learn from this, reframe things, and you’ll be just fine Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4 1
kendahke Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Jaclin01 said: He says that he would fall in love with me if I get stomach surgery, that my kitty belly is really ugly, and I am not a huge person. drop him tonight. This is the last type of man you need in your life. Quote He said that he wanted move in with him ( says this when he wants me to co-sign) <--which I didn't... and no my children are the reason we will never leave together... He seems to be finding more and more excuses after I dug him out of a deep hole of debt. Get your money back and never, ever, ever dig another grown man out of debt. Keep him far away from your pocket unless you've got money to burn. Quote He has his own business (dump truck - transport) And the truck was always in repairs. He says with my age and having teenage boys that I would never be able to have stability for years.. Ha!! Buster!!! Pot, meet kettle! A man who has to lean on a woman with two dependent sons to rear to bail his butt out of debt instead of getting a couple of app jobs to deliver food to amass the money to fix his hoopty trucks aint' no where near being in the universe of stable, financial solvency and has absolutely no room to open his mouth and draw the breath to say anything to you. Quote Tells me that no one will take me seriously until my kids will be gone, and then says, which will be forever.. ...and that's a bald faced lie. No, what he means is that men just like him wouldnt--but you don't want a buster like this dude. Ever. His number needs to go on block tonight, girl! Edited May 18, 2020 by kendahke 2
Malin889 Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 I'm SO sorry this happened to you! I too am a single mom, and it's tough out there, but you don't need a, excuse my language, p***y like this guy. You are a beautiful, independent, financial security mom, and yes there is life after divorce. I had an abusive ex, he really put me through the ringer, and I felt like, ok, I've had enough red flags to last me a lifetime, and the next guy I meet will be the man of my dreams. Wrong. I went on so many red flag first dates it's not even funny, to the point where I stopped dating for a long time to heal and work on myself. This too, shall pass. Heal thyself from your marriage. Even if you don't think you need healing, you probably do. Be single for awhile, go out with a friend/your sister, have FUN without men, get back into your hobbies. Hang out with your sons. Things will get better. 2
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 20 hours ago, lurker74 said: Wow - this will be brief but happy to expand if you find it useful. END THE "RELATIONSHIP." What he is doing is a form of abuse. It involves control and carrot and stick activity until your entire world rises and falls by him. He is even likely trying (at least subconsciously) to get between you and your children by painting them as an obstacle. Do not let him. You have to learn that being alone is good, that it builds strength rather than weakens, that it is the path to truly BEING with someone. Be alone for a while and re-learn who you were before you got married and long before you met this jerk. And the belly thing? That should've been the breaking point earlier. No one will fall in love with you if you just.............. Thank you. I know, and this week I have stood strong. My children are my everything, and you will not use my children. It is difficult to walk away, only because I don't like being alone, but this is enough. Thank you all for listening. I honestly am not that stupid, but .. I guess.... I was. 1
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 18 hours ago, SumGuy said: First, utter BS because you have kids there is no stability. I have 3 teenagers, I got it a little bit from one woman I dated, just a little, she told me she dated me despite me still having kids at home ...which I thought was amusing because she had a 25+ year old son living with her (he was a good guy just struggling then). Of course the reason is she wanted to like really, really travel, like month away, even though we went away at least one weekend a month and for weeks in the summer. It still worked out for some time...and I could say she "misled" me but not really. I don't call it misleading so much as people say a lot of things they mean in the moment, and a lot have a really hard time with follow through. On his response, I call that loving being with you not in love with you, and even then not that much. Your 8 years younger and he gets to make love to you, that is all he wants, it won't be forever and from how he is behaving now, without having to face life difficulties together, I don't think you'd want forever with him. His go ahead we will still be friends could well be game playing, posturing to appear "strong." Combine that with his criticizing your body (it seems pretty often and in a demanding way) yet he still wants to have sex with you...yah he is full of it. On the body criticism, is he like really in shape or something? If dinner and sex is what he has to offer, there are plenty of men who are up for such a low investment situation...he isn't anything special. Not sure if he is doing it, but this stuff sounds a lot like negging. I understand wanting the security of having someone there, but this guy is false security and he is more likely to take than give. I would like to believe this kind of behavior is more prevalent after being divorced, but if honest with myself and everyone I know, people who are emotionally distant and users act this way no matter where you are in life. Just when you are divorced with kids they have a ready made excuse, and also they think people divorced with kids are desperate. Don't be desperate, move on from this guy. If you want to take it slow tell him you need a break for him, from seeing each other...use COVID-19 if you have to. Then just never get back together with him. People will take you seriously, in fact divorced women with teenagers are at the top of my list in that department as they completely get my situation and their kids are old enough we can spend the night out with no worries. This guy is so wrong, he may be right about men like him...but I think you are seeing you don't want men like him. Wow, thank you all of you for all your feed back. You described a lot of what I know is going on. I know he is always finding fault in me as it is part of a control issue he has. He has everything to lose. He is overweight, but I never looked at that. I am a size 6 to 7/8 and he goes on to call me chubby. Even, if i was chubby, it doesn't matter. But, yes, he is not in good shape to be critizing me. I have never felt so ugly in my life. It's crazy. I have stuck this long, in hopes to get my money back, and thank GOD, I got some back. Not everything, but I did. My kids have never been a problem before. Out of the 3 years, he maybe seen them 7 times. I am not looking for a father as they have one. This man kept saying I should move in with him, and now what I think about it.... it was when he need a co-signer for selfish things that he wanted to buy. I did not co-sign for him. He finally was able to stabalize himself, and obtained a loan with the COVID, part of why he paid me back some of the money (well his sisters pushed him, he was going to build a pool ) My landlord is a bit special, and has been driving me nuts. This guy told me to move out and find a new place.....so I put the carrot in his face, and said, "well, hey, you offered for me to move in with you"..... and of course that is when he did a back peddeled and said... ohhhnoooo... we cannot.. you have kids... you live so far..... Yes, I see it now... And I see what everyone is saying...... he used a delicate situation to use me for finances and a romp... Thank you all for the support. and I am hoping that I can make some new friends 1
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 Thank you everyone. I know that my post was not very long, but there was just too much to write, but "Thank you" I get it... I honestly do. The hardest part will be closing the door, but I am sure the sun will feel nice and warm on the other side of this door.
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 8 hours ago, Malin889 said: I'm SO sorry this happened to you! I too am a single mom, and it's tough out there, but you don't need a, excuse my language, p***y like this guy. You are a beautiful, independent, financial security mom, and yes there is life after divorce. I had an abusive ex, he really put me through the ringer, and I felt like, ok, I've had enough red flags to last me a lifetime, and the next guy I meet will be the man of my dreams. Wrong. I went on so many red flag first dates it's not even funny, to the point where I stopped dating for a long time to heal and work on myself. This too, shall pass. Heal thyself from your marriage. Even if you don't think you need healing, you probably do. Be single for awhile, go out with a friend/your sister, have FUN without men, get back into your hobbies. Hang out with your sons. Things will get better. I am feeling that now, and sometimes it feels depresssing, thinking I am going to grow old alone, but honestly, I rather be alone than with someone that doesn't want to be me for me.
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why did you dig him out of debt? How long have you known this person? He sounds awful, and verbally abusive. I didn't know him long, and I felt really kind of sorry for him. He called himself a loser (which I should have walked away) and told me he sad, sad story of how everything went to hell with a collusion in the construction (there was a big falling out here in montreal), I offered a little help, but he took he didn't take the hand, he took the limbs too. I felt shy to say no, and he was badgering me with I promised and he woudn't have said, Yes, to a new truck. .... so I like an a**h*** agreed.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, Jaclin01 said: I didn't know him long, and I felt really kind of sorry for him. He called himself a loser (which I should have walked away) and told me he sad, sad story of how everything went to hell with a collusion in the construction (there was a big falling out here in montreal), I offered a little help, but he took he didn't take the hand, he took the limbs too. I felt shy to say no, and he was badgering me with I promised and he woudn't have said, Yes, to a new truck. .... so I like an a**h*** agreed. Unfortunately, I think you can probably kiss that money goodbye, unless you had some sort of formal agreement for repayment. How long were you dating? Now is the time to sit with yourself and really ask yourself: why did I not run from this man at the first sign of trouble? "'I'm stupid" isn't it. Dig deeper. Find out where the need to feel loved overshadowed your better judgement. Look for the holes in your self-esteem that you tried to patch up with this relationship. When you understand why you felt that desperation, you will better be able to let go of people who mistreat you.
Author Jaclin01 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Unfortunately, I think you can probably kiss that money goodbye, unless you had some sort of formal agreement for repayment. How long were you dating? Now is the time to sit with yourself and really ask yourself: why did I not run from this man at the first sign of trouble? "'I'm stupid" isn't it. Dig deeper. Find out where the need to feel loved overshadowed your better judgement. Look for the holes in your self-esteem that you tried to patch up with this relationship. When you understand why you felt that desperation, you will better be able to let go of people who mistreat you. We had a written agreement, and he didn't stand with it, nor did I push. He always had to bail himself out *himself*, We dated 6 months before I gave him a lot of money, I am not talking 100's... it was 25,000$ all together. I am looking deeper, and I know why my self esteem is low, and I know that I need to work on this. I know, I know, I know
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, Jaclin01 said: We had a written agreement, and he didn't stand with it, nor did I push. He always had to bail himself out *himself*, We dated 6 months before I gave him a lot of money, I am not talking 100's... it was 25,000$ all together. I am looking deeper, and I know why my self esteem is low, and I know that I need to work on this. I know, I know, I know Oh my goodness. I would speak to a lawyer immediately. See if you have way to recuperate something. 2
Fletch Lives Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 This man is a control freak, manipulative, and mean, and a scammer. He's not a good catch. Go find another man. Love is not enough - they have to be a good catch, you have to be able to live with them. Always ask yourself: if not for love or attraction, would I be friends with this person? A relationship is a friendship on fire.
Recommended Posts