FMW Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 From how I'm reading this, it's not about the need for space. I am a true believer in plenty of space. The issue that leads to the "feeling pushed aside", or at least what would make me feel that way in the situation OP describes, is about NOT being included in an important family event (mourning). It's not about not seeing someone for a few days, it's about being excluded from something important in his life, something I would see as him telling me I'm NOT that important to him, and when meaningful important family events come along, I'll be treated like an outsider. Maybe he's feeling suffocated, maybe he wants space, I'm not saying that isn't possibly at issue in general. But in this specific situation, again, it's not about space. It's about exclusion. 2 1
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, FMW said: From how I'm reading this, it's not about the need for space. I am a true believer in plenty of space. The issue that leads to the "feeling pushed aside", or at least what would make me feel that way in the situation OP describes, is about NOT being included in an important family event (mourning). It's not about not seeing someone for a few days, it's about being excluded from something important in his life, something I would see as him telling me I'm NOT that important to him, and when meaningful important family events come along, I'll be treated like an outsider. Maybe he's feeling suffocated, maybe he wants space, I'm not saying that isn't possibly at issue in general. But in this specific situation, again, it's not about space. It's about exclusion. I agree it's about exclusion but the $100,000 question is, why is he excluding her? Which goes back to my earlier posts, he is fading. Why, is anyone's guess, could be he is feeling suffocated, or something else, but it's definitely something. A man in love and thinking about a future with his gf of 3+ years would not be excluding her. And it's not because his mother didn't want her there, I don't buy that excuse one bit. Often times, it takes something like this -- a crisis such as this pandemic and lockdown, the loss of a loved one, or even a big event such as a huge family wedding, for someone to ask themselves - do I want my partner involved in this? I know of a few couples who have asked themselves this question due to what's happening. After 4 days spent last week, perhaps he realized this isn't the right relationship for him. That's my take, I could be wrong! I kind of hope I am, for OP's sake, perhaps she will update us soon. Edited May 18, 2020 by poppyfields
Snow_Queen Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) I’m having difficulty understanding why she should be made to feel included in this family event. They’re mourning the loss of their loved one. I’m assuming the OP must be close to the family to be feeling left out? It seems the general opinion is she’s being excluded solely because she’s not as important to her bf. It’s very much black and white. I guess I just have a different opinion than most on this. Edited May 18, 2020 by Snow_Queen
FMW Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 poppyfields, I agree, why is the boyfriend excluding her? Regardless of WHY, I think it's understandable the OP is feeling pushed aside. Meaning, that's at the heart of the post. There's a problem and this situation has brought it to the forefront. Snow_Queen, if I had been involved with someone for 3 years and was excluded from their family events, it would be clear to me that the guy only saw our relationship as casual. Most people who want casual are NOT going to stay with one person for three years. The exclusion leaves OP feeling bad, so I'm pretty sure her level of commitment to her boyfriend AFTER 3 YEARS isn't just casual. So this doesn't work for her. 1
fred123 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 14 minutes ago, FMW said: poppyfields, I agree, why is the boyfriend excluding her? Regardless of WHY, I think it's understandable the OP is feeling pushed aside. Meaning, that's at the heart of the post. There's a problem and this situation has brought it to the forefront. Snow_Queen, if I had been involved with someone for 3 years and was excluded from their family events, it would be clear to me that the guy only saw our relationship as casual. Most people who want casual are NOT going to stay with one person for three years. The exclusion leaves OP feeling bad, so I'm pretty sure her level of commitment to her boyfriend AFTER 3 YEARS isn't just casual. So this doesn't work for her. well ul be suprised that people do stay with their partners even if its casual. iv heard stories of it. even my ex stayed with me for 7 months. someone else on here dated a guy for a year and he never introduced him to anyone or anything. it does happen 1
Snow_Queen Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 OP, if you haven’t already, discuss your concerns with your bf by letting him know exactly how you feel. A good partner will listen and try to address your concerns. His response to your feelings should tell you all you need to know.
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) I agree with you that she’d want to feel included by bf of 3 yrs, but his mom does not want anyone around, so if he is spending a lot of time (4 days) with his mom and family, she cannot be there, even if he would like her to be there. Now isn’t really the time to push his mom, either, since she is mourning her father.... But that yea that would be a ‘different’ situation and needs to be explained thoroughly to op if that’s the case. I’d agree it’s atypical of a 3 year relationship... precisely why I don’t like them.. they don’t allot a great deal of alone time, even if you really need it Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 23 minutes ago, fred123 said: well ul be suprised that people do stay with their partners even if its casual. iv heard stories of it. even my ex stayed with me for 7 months. someone else on here dated a guy for a year and he never introduced him to anyone or anything. it does happen I don't think anyone is disputing that fred. It is what it is. OP's decision to take it or leave it. Complaining about it won't help that's for darn sure.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 On the mom not wanting her around ... bf is an adult. Adults don't run and hide from partners because of mom. If they do, the other partner would do well to think about if you want to be with this person who is still acting like a child. A relationship can't survive if one person kowtows to a petty mom. 1
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) On 5/16/2020 at 7:56 AM, catherine1 said: i think my boyfriend has got used to all this new found space over covid-19 lockdown and thinks he can brush me off. This ^^ is your inner voice/intuition telling you something seems very off, over and above his grandfather's passing. Don't ignore that voice. Listen to it, pay attention to it. Let it guide you to making the best decision for you. It's never or very rarely about just one thing. If you think back, I bet you will discover other times where you felt shut out too. Guy admitted from the beginning he needs LOTS of space. You don't. That's a big issue and goes to compatability. Don't allow your fear of starting over with someone new drive your ship. Find a man whose space needs match yours and you will be much happier, I promise you. Edited May 18, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: On the mom not wanting her around ... bf is an adult. Adults don't run and hide from partners because of mom. If they do, the other partner would do well to think about if you want to be with this person who is still acting like a child. A relationship can't survive if one person kowtows to a petty mom. I can’t say I agree. , it might be his mom’s father that died... .He can talk/spend time with her outside of that, but bringing strangers around when she doesn’t want is really disrespectful to his mom during this time. It’s not 100% about them and their relationship. Not mature at all. Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 1
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I can’t say I agree. , it might be his mom’s father that died... .He can talk/spend time with her outside of that, but bringing strangers around when she doesn’t want is really disrespectful to his mom during this time. It’s not 100% about them and their relationship. Not mature at all. cookies, they have been in a relationship for 3+ years, she is hardly a stranger. When my bf's grandfather died, we had only been dating one year and he wanted me there as a support for him. What kind of mom would deny her son the support of his long time girlfriend, assuming HE wanted her support. It's his loss too. Just not his mom's. He didn't want her support, he'd rather watch football (from her original post), and that is a problem imo and something that needs to be discussed by the two of them. Edited May 18, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1
stillafool Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Well he could have cousins in town that he hasn't seen in a while and they want to hang out and watch football, talk about their childhood years with grandma and just catch up and be together. I can't understand why it's so important to be with him right now unless he is showing her that is what he wants. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) Depends on his mom though. Whether she’s right or wrong...just saying not right to negate how she feels at this time. Also speaking as someone who has been viewed as being exclusive by partners when I was respecting my parents wishes. There’s kowtowing to your parents every whim and then there’s being respectful in a particular circumstance when they are together so much at any other time. But yea communication is important. Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) On 5/16/2020 at 7:56 AM, catherine1 said: ...this week offered to go around to his with flowers for the family. He said yes at first, but then said football is on/he might be sorting his grandfathers house out. Today however he isn’t sorting the house out, and is in his house with his mum. This^ is what OP wrote about him wanting to watch football. Nothing about cousins, nothing about his mum not wanting her there, not even to bring flowers? Maybe y'all are right, but to me, something sounds very off. Edited May 18, 2020 by poppyfields
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 On 5/16/2020 at 11:27 AM, catherine1 said: We seen each other last weekend and he stayed at my house for 4 nights. It’s when he returned home his grandad passed. His mum didn’t want anyone around. Never the less, it’s still upsetting to me.
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 54 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Total gut feeling based on everything OP posted, but it sounds more to me like HE didn't want her around and telling her it was his mum was an excuse. Something is not jiving. My opinion, I hope I'm wrong. 1
stillafool Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 I too feel like he doesn't want her around, right now. He's entitled to alone time as it seems they spend a lot of time together and communicating. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Well he could have cousins in town that he hasn't seen in a while and they want to hang out and watch football, talk about their childhood years with grandma and just catch up and be together. I can't understand why it's so important to be with him right now unless he is showing her that is what he wants. Because the fundamental point of relationships--intimacy and connection and support--is totally destroyed if you push someone away because of the death of a relative. I've been through enough family and friend deaths to have concluded that the only times people push partners away ... is when they don't really feel comfortable with the partner. Why talk to your partner when you get laid off or fired? ... or have a work challenge? ... or feel sick? 1
stillafool Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 I don't see him pushing her away he's just taking some time for himself. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. I don't mind having space as a matter of fact I need it but some want to be in constant contact which would drive me nuts. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Because the fundamental point of relationships--intimacy and connection and support--is totally destroyed if you push someone away because of the death of a relative. I've been through enough family and friend deaths to have concluded that the only times people push partners away ... is when they don't really feel comfortable with the partner. Why talk to your partner when you get laid off or fired? ... or have a work challenge? ... or feel sick? But he’s not really “pushing her away” is he? It sounds like he’s still in communication with her, talking daily. I don’t get the impression he is closing up on her emotionally due to grief or something but that he’s just spending with mom and other family for a few days, and has expressed that his mom doesn’t want others there... That it’s an issue at all is kind of absurd to me, but this opinion and poppyfield’s intuitive feeling is not uncommon of people in relationships, at least in my experience. When you have to take some time without them, they start to get suspicious and think something is not right, youre pushing them away, lost interest, making excuses, even if they let it go. It’s completely unhealthy to me with how I tend to need space occasionally, even when I care deeply for a person. I don’t think it’s the case with op’s guy, but I am the type where when I’m sick or upset or grieving I generally do want to be left alone to process. That’s my personality Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Time alone is wonderful, especially if you're an introvert or if you like time to process and reflect. After three years, allowing girlfriend for a visit during a time of grief isn't asking for too much. She doesn't have to be there all the time with his family. But her not being able to make an appearance--allegedly because of his mother? ... puh-lease. There are some families out there that are really exclusive ... and you gotta be very careful to marry into those families, because they don't really believe in treating outsiders--even the married partners of members--as equals. One of my best friends married into a family like that. Conversely one of the best marriages I know of ... is with a guy who had an intrusive mom. Early on in the marriage, the guy's mom would call him everyday. Mom wasn't sick ... wasn't going through a crisis ... She was just controlling. Well ... this dude said, Mom, I'm now married. I cannot talk to you everyday. My wife is my priority now.
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) I can understand that, bu at the same time this may not be the time he wants to make a stand w his mother. Maybe he doesn’t see this 4 days of not seeing each other in person as such a big deal as she does. I can also understand him just using his mom as an excuse to be alone because he feels a bit smothered... Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Lotsgoingon Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Yes, I agree, he might feel smothered ... in which case, the OP has a bigger problem. I definitely think this disconnect between the OP and her bf reflects a bigger problem. I also suspect he might be using mom as an "excuse." The flip side of feeling smothered ... or maybe the same side with different wording is ... that he ain't that into the OP and isn't that happy with key elements of the relationship.
stillafool Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I can also understand him just using his mom as an excuse to be alone because he feels a bit smothered... I definitely think he is using his mom as an excuse to get some alone time for whatever reason. I doubt very much if he said "Mom do you mind if OP drops by for a little while, I need to see her and it would cheer me up" she would deny him. If she wants to spend the night the mother may not be ready for that due to circumstances.
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