fred123 Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 people always look at logical reasons to defend situations like this and yes it maybe a possibility, but my cousins and sisters and friends have been in this situation and 100 percent would want their partner there with them to comfort them, even my introverted cousins. i dont know of people here remeber my story with an ex i had years ago. I was seeing this girl for 6 months, dating casually you could say. We ended up being bf and gf officialy for another month. Now i didnt come on loveshack to specific ask why she had not invited me to any of her family or friends weddings and why she refused to introduce me to her work colleagues. But i know the response would alwayd give the girl/guy the benefit of the doubt esp i can understand bringing a guy you have only known for 6 months to a wedding. Well one month after we broke up she takes her new guy shes seeing for a few weeks to her work colleague's wedding. that was a smack in the face and a realisation that if me (the guy she dated for 7 months and were in a relationship) was still not invited to any weddings and this guy she barely knew was- well what does that say? i have a feeling you might be in a similar situation
poppyfields Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, fred123 said: ul be suprised when the next girl he dates and someone in his family dies, he will want his gf there when they have probably been barely going out No I wouldn't be surprised at all, especially if his next girlfriend is less "me me me" oriented, and allows him space without getting bent about it and taking it so personally. I suspect OP's dissatisfaction goes much deeper than this one incident. My guess is her bf feels suffocated in general which adds to his need for space during this time. I mean they spent four days together last weekend for goodness sakes, give the guy a break, let him BREATHE, and mourn the loss with his family, she's not his wife. Edited May 17, 2020 by poppyfields 1
fred123 Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 14 minutes ago, poppyfields said: No I wouldn't be surprised at all, especially if his next girlfriend is less "me me me" oriented, and allows him space without getting bent about it and taking it so personally. I suspect OP's dissatisfaction goes much deeper than this one incident. My guess is her bf feels suffocated in general which adds to his need for space during this time. I mean they spent four days together last weekend for goodness sakes, give the guy a break, let him BREATHE, and mourn the loss with his family, she's not his wife. why cant it ever be a possibility that hes just that into her or sees her as long term material? 2 1
poppyfields Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, fred123 said: why cant it ever be a possibility that hes just that into her or sees her as long term material? Yes that's exactly what I'm saying. That's part of it anyway. it's a vicious cycle. She needs more, he feel suffocated and gives less, causing her to need even more, causing him to feel even more suffocated and giving less. The dynamic with his next gf may be entirely different, and he may want to give more, want to spend more time precisely because his gf doesn't expect it. 2 1
fred123 Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Yes that's exactly what I'm saying. That's part of it anyway. it's a vicious cycle. She needs more, he feel suffocated and gives less, causing her to need even more, causing him to feel even more suffocated and giving less. The dynamic with his next gf may be entirely different, and he may want to give more, want to spend more time precisely because his gf doesn't expect t the way your write implies shes to blame for this or his suffocation. if he was into her it would be reciprocated and wouldnt be classified as suffocating right? 3
Miss Spider Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, fred123 said: the way your write implies shes to blame for this or his suffocation. if he was into her it would be reciprocated and wouldnt be classified as suffocating right? I’d imagine different people have different needs in terms of contact with partner, regardless of interest? Do you want to spend 24/7 with your partner? Maybe you do, but for me, it wouldn’t be healthy at all. Some people need time to recharge, even if it’s day or an hour or so... and when he’s dealing with the death of a loved one Again, diff people cope in different ways. And I think sometimes it can be made worse by the persons actions. Let’s say he initially is into her and wants to spend a little time alone and see her the majority the week, but during that time, she’s contacting him or not giving him space. Slowly it begins to feel suffocating. You start to appreciate and desire being alone more than being with the person because it’s so rare ... Edited May 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3
poppyfields Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, fred123 said: the way your write implies shes to blame for this or his suffocation. if he was into her it would be reciprocated and wouldnt be classified as suffocating right? It's ok fred, let's move on, I have no desire to have a debate about this other than to say unless he's some sort of commitment phobe or avoidant who feels suffocated in "any" relationship, a womans behavior can be directly related to how suffocated a man feels, and how he feels about her. Edited May 17, 2020 by poppyfields 2
poppyfields Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I’d imagine different people have different needs in terms of contact with partner, regardless of interest? Do you want to spend 24/7 with your partner? Maybe you do, but for me, it wouldn’t be healthy at all. Some people need time to recharge, even if it’s day or an hour or so... and when he’s dealing with the death of a loved one Again, diff people cope in different ways. And I think sometimes it can be made worse by the persons actions. Let’s say he initially is into her and wants to spend a little time alone and see her the majority the week, but during that time, she’s contacting him or not giving him space. Slowly it begins to feel suffocating. You start to appreciate the time alone more than being with the person because it’s so rare ... To the point where you actually enjoy being alone more than with the person Thanks for explaining in more detail cookies, I'm exhausted today! 2 1
basil67 Posted May 17, 2020 Posted May 17, 2020 People are focusing on the recent four days together and forgetting about all the distance before that. They also seem to forget that looking at how someone behaves in bad times is an important gauge for compatibility. You've got a guy who apparently didn't miss you for weeks and weeks. You also have a guy who, in times of crisis, pushes you away instead of coming towards you. I support ending it. Given his behaviour, he'll probably just shake it off anyway. You can find someone who wants to see you without you having to push for it. 5 1
Snow_Queen Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 If I understand the time line correctly, there was some time apart but then he resumed time together. You also mention daily communication. With this death being so close to this timeframe, it can’t be determined if he’s actually pulling away. Everyone grieves differently regardless of what some may believe. It’s just the way they’re wired. Also, if his family wants privacy, there isn’t much he (or you) can do. It may not seem fair but that is what they wish for now. I do agree that this relationship may not be what you need. You might need someone who can push stress aside easily and devote a majority of their focus on you.
FMW Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 I think if most people were honest, if they were not allowed to be with the family following a death, after 3 years in a relationship, they would feel slighted. Four nights together last week is a lot, that's true. But the title of the thread is "Feeling pushed aside". When viewed in this narrow scope, I don't think the OP is being selfish to expect to be included during a time of grief for the family. She's not a new girlfriend of a few months. It's been 3 years, she should be at least somewhat incorporated into the family by now. 1
Malin889 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Wow he gets to be alone a whole 4 days during a quarantine before he starts getting called distant/neglectful This is part of why I’m so happy to be single xD Oh, has it only been 4 days? I thought they hadn't seen each other in 6-7 weeks. I may have missed that!
Miss Spider Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Malin889 said: Oh, has it only been 4 days? I thought they hadn't seen each other in 6-7 weeks. I may have missed that! Ohh... I might have missed the 6-7 weeks part? I thought op said they just spent 4 days last weekend together, usually spend 5 nights a week together, and FaceTime all the time. Just reading that sounds suffocating to me, but I get it’s “normal”. I thought also said his mom doesn’t want anyone else around rn and that doesn’t sound like it’s really his fault Edited May 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 9 hours ago, Malin889 said: I've seen this a few times on this forum where people say they've been with their boyfriend/girlfriend for years, but now haven't seen each other during the lockdown. I'm confused, because everyone I know in real life has seen their significant others during this time and still spends a lot of time with them. I can see if you've only been seeing each other for a few months, but if you have been seeing each other for years, you should be spending a lot of time with each other during this lockdown, it doesn't make sense to me. That depends where you live. Where I currently live, it was absolutely illegal to leave your home without an essential reasons, and going to see a boyfriend/girlfriend was not an essential reason. And yes, there were many police checkpoints around the city and hefty fines being given out. As such, many of us here hadn't seen our partners in 2 months before this restriction was lifted 2 weeks ago. I realize my country here had some of the most stringent rules, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume some other jurisdictions were not emphasizing the need to stay isolated from anyone you don't live with - boyfriends and girlfriends included. OP, can you clarify? Was the time apart his choice, or was this mandated by your region? 1
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 In the UK, you still can't go and visit anyone you don't live with. In the past two weeks, in England you can now meet one person from a different household, outdoors in a public place whilst staying 2m apart, but not if you live in Scotland Wales or Northern Ireland.
mortensorchid Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 The guy's an a****** - he is making this all about him rather than you. True, it's been 3 years since you have been together not 3 weeks. Keep your distance and let him contact you if and when he wants to be with you. Make him see what he's missing.
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) Now I'm wondering how it was that OP and her boyfriend were able to spend 4 straight days/nights together just last weekend. Apparently the lockdown in her area has lifted? Something is NOT jiving. I understand he is grieving, but I also believe he feels, and probably has felt, emotionally suffocated in this relationship for a long time, before the lockdown. He was going through the motions, and is now fading. Just my sense from what I've read and OP's reactions. The me, me, me attitude, see my previous posts. No disrespect to OP but it's selfish and gets old and I doubt this is the first time it's happened. Edited May 18, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: He is making this all about him rather than you. It IS about him though. HE just lost a loved one, HE is grieving, HE wants and needs lone time to process. She is the one making it all about her. She feels lonely, she feels left out. She needs more time, more attention, more more more. It's not about her. Edited May 18, 2020 by poppyfields 1
simpycurious Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: It IS about him though. HE just lost a loved one, HE is grieving, HE wants and need lone time to process. She is the one making it all about her. She feels lonely, she feels left out. It's not about her. I agree with Poppy on this one. She's the one making the issue NOT him.
miranda561 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) On 5/16/2020 at 6:38 PM, Lotsgoingon said: Asking for space 99.999 percent of the time = I don't enjoy spending time with you. Spending time with you is exhausting. I don't actively dislike you, so I won't initiate a breakup and dump you. But I really don't enjoy spending time with you. Dump this guy. Here's the rule. If you feel neglected and ignored and put off in a relationship, 99.999 percent of the time, it's because you ARE being neglected. I've been on both sides of the equation about needing "space." I didn't realize it at the time, but that simply meant I didn't enjoy being with the person but didn't have enough clarity to break up. It was later when I was on the other end ... with my partners being distant and needing "space" ... that it became clear that they just weren't that into me. A good relationship is like a good ice cream treat. You don't need to be hungry to have room for good ice cream. Ice cream is a pleasure. In this situation, him being comforted by you should be a pleasure to him. He's putting you off. You can mark my words. Here is what's gonna happen. If you hang in there, you will find yourself working hard ... to soothe yourself, to reassure yourself that he likes you. That doesn't work. And ... likely, here's the crusher ... he's going to dump you at some point. And then that will really burn because you were putting up with neglect all along. Anytime you feel like you are begging to spend time with someone (even if you try to hide this), the relationship is not working for you. Dump his behind. She just saw him for four days though. if i saw someone for four days consecutively , i could easily be happy with some space following that. Edited May 18, 2020 by miranda561
miranda561 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, simpycurious said: I agree with Poppy on this one. She's the one making the issue NOT him. She probably has an anxious attachment style and therefore needs contact 24/7 Edited May 18, 2020 by miranda561
miranda561 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 57 minutes ago, poppyfields said: It IS about him though. HE just lost a loved one, HE is grieving, HE wants and needs lone time to process. She is the one making it all about her. She feels lonely, she feels left out. She needs more time, more attention, more more more. It's not about her. I have a friend like this . She wont care what the other person is doing but will literally send 20 texts in a row ( without them replying). Doesn't matter how busy they are she will need them to reply to her texts. Failing that she'll start calling endlessly . She is like that with me and her love interests
miranda561 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 1 hour ago, mortensorchid said: The guy's an a****** - he is making this all about him rather than you. True, it's been 3 years since you have been together not 3 weeks. Keep your distance and let him contact you if and when he wants to be with you. Make him see what he's missing. Hows he an a****** for wanting some space...plus he also lost a significant member of his family. Anyone who thinks hes not alllowed space within this context is an a****** themselves
miranda561 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 17 hours ago, poppyfields said: No I wouldn't be surprised at all, especially if his next girlfriend is less "me me me" oriented, and allows him space without getting bent about it and taking it so personally. I suspect OP's dissatisfaction goes much deeper than this one incident. My guess is her bf feels suffocated in general which adds to his need for space during this time. I mean they spent four days together last weekend for goodness sakes, give the guy a break, let him BREATHE, and mourn the loss with his family, she's not his wife. I agree . I think this sort of scenario where she needs more attention while he needs his space has probably happened more than once. But i think she wants to be with him all the time, which isn't always possible
miranda561 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: That depends where you live. Where I currently live, it was absolutely illegal to leave your home without an essential reasons, and going to see a boyfriend/girlfriend was not an essential reason. And yes, there were many police checkpoints around the city and hefty fines being given out. As such, many of us here hadn't seen our partners in 2 months before this restriction was lifted 2 weeks ago. I realize my country here had some of the most stringent rules, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume some other jurisdictions were not emphasizing the need to stay isolated from anyone you don't live with - boyfriends and girlfriends included. OP, can you clarify? Was the time apart his choice, or was this mandated by your region? A lot of people haven't stuck to the rules though.
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