Feeling pushed aside

May 16, 2020

Hi,

so I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years. We are usually happy and I love him a lot and Want to be with him. However, he has expressed in the past how he likes space and it’s something I’m always aware of.

we don’t live together and during the covid-19 pandemic rules we didn’t see each other for around 6-7 weeks. We since have (as I pushed for it) this week his grandfather passed away.

This was 4 days ago, and I have given him space to grieve. I have told I’m here for him, and this week offered to go around to his with flowers for the family. He said yes at first, but then said football is on/he might be sorting his grandfathers house out. Today however he isn’t sorting the house out, and is in his house with his mum.

i said that I feel like I should be there, and he said I can when things go back to normal. I feel so pushed out, and neglected.

this is his time to mourn and I understand that, it’s his time to spend with family. I just feel like I’m not a part of it and that he is keeping me at arms length.

my parents can see my sadness and say that he wants it on his terms/he’s not good enough for me and that I shouldn’t be at his beck & call.

i think my boyfriend has got used to all this new found space over covid-19 lockdown and thinks he can brush me off.

i don’t know what to do, I don’t want to bring this up this week when he has family upset going on.

i just don’t feel we are as close as we should be, this isn’t the first time I’ve neglected either.

any advice?

Edited May 16, 2020 by catherine1

May 16, 2020

23 minutes ago, catherine1 said:

any advice?

Yes. Find another boyfriend. You are right he is keeping you at arms length. After not seeing you for 6-7 weeks he should be raring to go and to see you. Doesn't he need affection too? Most likely not or at least from you. Has he been talking to someone else who has his interest during this lock down? It seems so to me. Or, his mom doesn't want anyone but family in the home right now because of the virus. However with the passing of his grandpa family members will probably be over so it's hard to tell.

May 16, 2020

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes. Find another boyfriend. You are right he is keeping you at arms length. After not seeing you for 6-7 weeks he should be raring to go and to see you. Doesn't he need affection too? Most likely not or at least from you. Has he been talking to someone else who has his interest during this lock down? It seems so to me. Or, his mom doesn't want anyone but family in the home right now because of the virus. However with the passing of his grandpa family members will probably be over so it's hard to tell.

We seen each other last weekend and he stayed at my house for 4 nights. It’s when he returned home his grandad passed. His mum didn’t want anyone around. Never the less, it’s still upsetting to me.

May 16, 2020

He just had a death in the family this week, and yet you are making it all about you. Maybe he needs time to grieve and be with his family, and he just needs some space from you right now. That added to the pandemic and lockdowns, it's been a very stressful and unusual time right now. This doesn't necessarily mean that he's never going to be with you. There's no reason to jump to that conclusion. Give him some time to get through the initial shock of his grandfather dying and don't be so pushy for him to spend time with you. If after a few more weeks, he still shows no interest in seeing you, then I would start to be concerned.

May 16, 2020

Well if you saw him 4 nights last weekend why are you complaining? He isn't ignoring you he's grieving with his family. His mom is correct in keeping as many people as possible out of the house as I'm sure other relatives are dropping by. I don't think you're being fair.

May 16, 2020

I agree with stillafool, I think the lockdown has caused all of us to take stock at our lives and relationships.

Sounds like the time alone made him realize the relationship may not be the right fit for him and he is fading out, trying to find the right words and time to tell you.

That is what I would assume if I were you catherine, and pull back myself.

You take space! Leave him be. Assume he's fading.

When the lockdown lifts, get together and talk openly and honestly. I know you feel anxious but pushing to talk now would serve no good purpose imo.

You've done your part, now it's his turn.

May 16, 2020

Edit to my above post.

I just read that you spent 4 days with him last weekend? Why was this not mentioned in your first post?

Super confused now.

Edited May 16, 2020 by poppyfields

May 16, 2020

Your boyfriend recently lost a family member and I can only imagine that the last thing his grieving parent will want is non-immediate family around. When my grandad passed away 3 years ago, I personally would not have felt it was appropriate to bring my boyfriend over to the house when my parent was grieving extremely openly and was very distressed/crying/unable to properly care for themselves. Perhaps your boyfriend feels he needs to be there for his mother and that social visits from his girlfriend are just not appropriate right now. This is going to be a devestating time for their family.

Additionally, you're making some assumptions. You're assuming he's got used to all this space during COVID, and that now "he thinks he can brush me off". Has he said that, or are you trying to read his mind? If you believe beyond doubt that he's brushing you off, why stay with him? Perhaps because it's actually an assumption you're making rooted in insecurity on your part. If you don't feel like you're good enough, then it will make sense to you that he doesn't think you're good enough either. Have an actual conversation with him about it instead of catastrophising about it in your head.

I know COVID has meant that we've all become incredibly attention-starved from loved ones we've been separated from, and maybe you need attention from him that he just can't give right now. If this was happening way before his grandparent passed away, then you need to evaluate if you can continue this way or not, but don't put words in his mouth if he's given you no reason to think them. Communicate with him about your feelings and concerns when it's appropriate.

May 16, 2020

43 minutes ago, catherine1 said:

Hi,

so I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years. We are usually happy and I love him a lot and Want to be with him. However, he has expressed in the past how he likes space and it’s something I’m always aware of.

we don’t live together and during the covid-19 pandemic rules we didn’t see each other for around 6-7 weeks. We since have (as I pushed for it) this week his grandfather passed away.

This was 4 days ago, and I have given him space to grieve. I have told I’m here for him, and this week offered to go around to his with flowers for the family. He said yes at first, but then said football is on/he might be sorting his grandfathers house out. Today however he isn’t sorting the house out, and is in his house with his mum.

i said that I feel like I should be there, and he said I can when things go back to normal. I feel so pushed out, and neglected.

this is his time to mourn and I understand that, it’s his time to spend with family. I just feel like I’m not a part of it and that he is keeping me at arms length.

my parents can see my sadness and say that he wants it on his terms/he’s not good enough for me and that I shouldn’t be at his beck & call.

i think my boyfriend has got used to all this new found space over covid-19 lockdown and thinks he can brush me off.

i don’t know what to do, I don’t want to bring this up this week when he has family upset going on.

i just don’t feel we are as close as we should be, this isn’t the first time I’ve neglected either.

any advice?

You seem pushy.

If he says he wants to do his own thing or sort stuff out..let him be for now.

Listen to him and wait till everything's over. Then see what happens.

Does he call you at all? Or message you on his own. Without you initiating?

May 16, 2020

10 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

You seem pushy.

If he says he wants to do his own thing or sort stuff out..let him be for now.

Listen to him and wait till everything's over. Then see what happens.

Does he call you at all? Or message you on his own. Without you initiating?

Yes we are always in contact, mainly via text but we FaceTime every night near enough.

May 16, 2020

16 minutes ago, catherine1 said:

Yes we are always in contact, mainly via text but we FaceTime every night near enough.

Thats fine then. I don't see the problem.

Its a different story if he wasnt even wanting to pick up your calls.

May 16, 2020

Your parents are correct and 100% bang on the money Op.

The relationship is on his terms. He gets what he wants when he wants it. What about you op? Is being shut out when your boyfriend needs space fulfilling your needs ? Judging by the fact you feel neglected and pushed out I suspect the answer is no.

You’re an option to him. You are not a priority. After 3 years I think that is unacceptable.

I don’t think anyone disputes the fact that he’s going through a difficult time right now and that everyone deals with grief differently. However I think his reaction to you is clearly telling you what place you hold in his life.

You’ve got some very difficult choices to make op. However my advice is don’t be anyone’s option. You are not an option. You are a person who has needs which are just as important as his. Please remember that.

Edited May 16, 2020 by Calmandfocused

May 16, 2020

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice. I did see him last weekend for 4 days, this wasn’t very clear in my first post. Does this change your advice at all?

May 16, 2020

Just leave him be for now, and when this blows over talk to him about it. Do it in a calm kind way. You will have to ask him what he would expect too and then come to some compromise. It can't be discussed as me me all about how me feels. When it comes to relationships you have to leave room for your SO to express themselves in matters without interruption. In other words put yourself in their shoes to understand them.

May 16, 2020

Asking for space 99.999 percent of the time = I don't enjoy spending time with you. Spending time with you is exhausting. I don't actively dislike you, so I won't initiate a breakup and dump you. But I really don't enjoy spending time with you.

Dump this guy. Here's the rule. If you feel neglected and ignored and put off in a relationship, 99.999 percent of the time, it's because you ARE being neglected.

I've been on both sides of the equation about needing "space." I didn't realize it at the time, but that simply meant I didn't enjoy being with the person but didn't have enough clarity to break up. It was later when I was on the other end ... with my partners being distant and needing "space" ... that it became clear that they just weren't that into me.

A good relationship is like a good ice cream treat. You don't need to be hungry to have room for good ice cream. Ice cream is a pleasure. In this situation, him being comforted by you should be a pleasure to him. He's putting you off. You can mark my words. Here is what's gonna happen. If you hang in there, you will find yourself working hard ... to soothe yourself, to reassure yourself that he likes you. That doesn't work. And ... likely, here's the crusher ... he's going to dump you at some point. And then that will really burn because you were putting up with neglect all along.

Anytime you feel like you are begging to spend time with someone (even if you try to hide this), the relationship is not working for you. Dump his behind.

May 16, 2020

I don't see the problem with what occurred. His mother didn't want visitors, so he was doing what his mother asked. It doesn't sound like he is fading to me. But, you did mention that this was not the first time you had felt neglected. Maybe you are reassessing the relationship?

May 16, 2020

You spent four nights with him very recently.

You FaceTime nearly every night.

Why exactly are you feeling neglected? Because his family wants a little privacy while they're in mourning?

My guess is that his comparatively greater need for space has been on an ongoing issue in your relationship, though. Can you elaborate on that? How much time do you generally spend together (pre-lockdown) and how much time would you like to spend together?

May 16, 2020

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You spent four nights with him very recently.

You FaceTime nearly every night.

Why exactly are you feeling neglected? Because his family wants a little privacy while they're in mourning?

My guess is that his comparatively greater need for space has been on an ongoing issue in your relationship, though. Can you elaborate on that? How much time do you generally spend together (pre-lockdown) and how much time would you like to spend together?

I think I just feel excluded, I’m usually at his a fair bit and I think “why can’t I be there” I want to be there for him.

we usually spend around 5 nights of the week together, which I’m happy with. Maybe it’s the strain of lockdown and now a family death. I just feel like I have to ask permission to see him, and he’ll call the shots/decide on the outcome. Not always, but sometimes and especially during this.I just feel like a friend to him and miss being next to him and there.

i feel slightly bottom of the list during this lockdown and this week. Like it goes, time with his dad and bro, beers, betting and video game time then me. He said he wanted to shut off with his video game during this period of grief but is still in regular contact and still loving towards me when we speak. I just feel lonely during this.

Edited May 16, 2020 by catherine1

May 17, 2020

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here, to be honest.

Lockdown is just that - lockdown. It's a unique and difficult situation, and we're not meant to be spending time with partners we don't live with. It's a health risk issue, not a measurement of his love for you. I am not sure what you expect him to do there. He is in regular contact with you, and loving with you - so where is your distress really coming from? It sounds like he's just keeping himself busy while being forced to stay home, and deal with his grief on top of that.

Keep in mind too that people grieve in different ways. Not everyone is comfortable showing their grief, even to loved ones. Some people retreat as they process it. It's not usually personal against their partner, and it doesn't usually go on indefinitely. The same is true for families who want some private time. That's all I'm really seeing here. Let them have their space to deal with it.

Sincere question - what specifically do you want him to do that he isn't doing? Invite you over, call you more, or?

Edited May 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

May 17, 2020

14 hours ago, catherine1 said:

i feel slightly bottom of the list during this lockdown and this week. Like it goes, time with his dad and bro, beers, betting and video game time then me.

After three years you assumed you would occupy a more special, more central place in his life, but instead he is moving further away from you.
This death has then emphasised just how insignificant you are.
He and his family have closed ranks in their grief and you are "the stranger", not the woman who has been in his life for 3 years.
You have your place in his life, but as you have sussed out, it is after everything else...
He sounds a tad immature actually.
Are you sure this is the guy you really want to invest your time in?
His desire for "space" will only increase.
Too many women put up with "space" from their man, hoping it will all get better, it doesn't.
They end up sad and miserable with guys they thought would change.
You seem to be a person who wants closeness, he wants space, you are thus incompatible

May 17, 2020

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

After three years you assumed you would occupy a more special, more central place in his life, but instead he is moving further away from you.
This death has then emphasised just how insignificant you are.
He and his family have closed ranks in their grief and you are "the stranger", not the woman who has been in his life for 3 years.
You have your place in his life, but as you have sussed out, it is after everything else...
He sounds a tad immature actually.
Are you sure this is the guy you really want to invest your time in?
His desire for "space" will only increase.
Too many women put up with "space" from their man, hoping it will all get better, it doesn't.
They end up sad and miserable with guys they thought would change.
You seem to be a person who wants closeness, he wants space, you are thus incompatible

totally agree. after 3 years should be part of it all. my sis after 3 years her bf was well part of a lot of these situations.

May 17, 2020

I've seen this a few times on this forum where people say they've been with their boyfriend/girlfriend for years, but now haven't seen each other during the lockdown. I'm confused, because everyone I know in real life has seen their significant others during this time and still spends a lot of time with them. I can see if you've only been seeing each other for a few months, but if you have been seeing each other for years, you should be spending a lot of time with each other during this lockdown, it doesn't make sense to me.

Does he live with his mom? Just wondering when you said his mom doesn't want anyone over. Also, how do you know she doesn't want anyone over? I can understand if she doesn't want just anybody that she doesn't know that well over, I don't want just anyone at my house unless I know them well; but if you are close to the family, she should want you there.

In saying all this, I have known a couple of people who were friends of my family who passed away during the pandemic. They didn't die of COVID, both were from other causes. But it has been hard for us and especially for their immediate families, because they are unable to have a proper funeral, wake, and memorial service. So that's been tough for the families not being able to see everyone during this time, and for us not being able to mourn with the families.

May 17, 2020

On 5/16/2020 at 12:27 PM, catherine1 said:

I think I just feel excluded, I’m usually at his a fair bit and I think “why can’t I be there” I want to be there for him.

we usually spend around 5 nights of the week together, which I’m happy with. Maybe it’s the strain of lockdown and now a family death. I just feel like I have to ask permission to see him, and he’ll call the shots/decide on the outcome. Not always, but sometimes and especially during this.I just feel like a friend to him and miss being next to him and there.

i feel slightly bottom of the list during this lockdown and this week. Like it goes, time with his dad and bro, beers, betting and video game time then me. He said he wanted to shut off with his video game during this period of grief but is still in regular contact and still loving towards me when we speak. I just feel lonely during this.

I'm sorry but this post sounds a bit like me, me, me.

This is not and should not be just about you and what you want. You want to be there, you feel lonely.

Where does what he wants factor into this scenario?

He is grieving. He needs and wants time alone with his family to process the loss. That is what HE wants.

Kindly respect that and try to not take everything so personally.

Edited May 17, 2020 by poppyfields

May 17, 2020

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry but this post sounds a bit like me, me, me.

This is not and should not be just about you and what you want. You want to be there, you feel lonely.

Where does what he wants factor into this scenario?

He is grieving. He needs and wants time alone with his family to process the loss. That is what HE wants.

Kindly respect that and try to not take everything so personally.

ul be suprised when the next girl he dates and someone in his family dies, he will want his gf there when they have probably been barely going out

May 17, 2020

Wow he gets to be alone a whole 4 days during a quarantine before he starts getting called distant/neglectful

This is part of why I’m so happy to be single xD

Edited May 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

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