How do I convincingly retract a statement/solve an ongoing argument?

[Janeasksquestions]

Hello!

I will try to keep this short and sweet but no promises!

I have been arguing with my boyfriend about one thing for about a month now. But now I am back on my ADHD meds which I had ran out of last month and I am seeing things more clearly.

I wish to make peace and retract my argument basically. But can this be done?!

We also have a child together who is nearly two now so I really want to keep our small family together.

The argument was because his friend wants to build a house to live in on my boyfriends land. My boyfriend has built us a house nearly, half way there. All by himself! I am very proud of him and let him know so.

I basically said his friend was rude for asking when he hasn’t checked out the legal side at all and that he is putting our family home and our child’s inheritance at risk.

I said horrible things to my boyfriend and about his friend. Being off my ADHD meds and full of a couple of beers makes me VERY DRAMATIC!

I can have an argument and forget it as soon as it’s been said. My boyfriend cannot. He can’t even say “I love you” to me anymore.

He has separated me from his friend. We all used to socialise together. Either in fear I will say something-even though I have told him I won’t. Or because he thinks I hate him. I have also told him I don’t I only have this recent issue with him.

But realistically nothing has been built. It’s not my land and I wish to retract all the things I said!

I wish to make peace.

Any help about how I go about this is greatly appreciated!

:)

 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Janeasksquestions said:

It’s not my land and I wish to retract all the things I said!

Have you told your boyfriend this and apologized?

[elaine567]

You may want to retract what you said but that doesn't mean you aren't right.
I also think it is bad idea for the friend to build a house on your bf's land.
I am guessing you are all fairly young but such friendships are notorious for not lasting long term, especially when money or houses or land  are involved.
The last thing you want is a potentially hostile ex friend living close by.

If you cant persuade your bf, then at least make sure it is all tied up legally.

[Blind-Sided]

while @stillafool and @elaine567 are spot-on with their responses.... I feel I should inject a guys point of view.

OK... you say "Girl Friend".... and I'm assuming nothing more. While I see you have a kid together... you are still "The Girl Friend."   You got upset trying to use a "Is it legal" view point... but you have to understand... as the GF... you don't have a legal leg to stand on.   Sure, laws are different in every state and every country (about a common law marriage)... but until you are legally married... and/or the land was a joint purchase... you have no "Skin in the game" where this is concerned.   First... I'm sorry to be blunt like that, but I had to say it.   So... with that all said... in your BF mind... he may be thinking now... "Here's her true colors, and she is worried more about money/property than our relationship/family."   I'm guessing this is the case since he no longer will say "I love you" to you.  Unfortunately... you have crossed a line that breaks family apart.

I know you said you are on meds to control this... but this could very well be a subject that cannot survive an apology... especially if you have been arguing for a month about it. (sorry)

Edited May 14, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

The "skin the game" she has is his child and the fact they live together.
OK legally she is likely nowhere as regards the land, but when people live together and have children together then she has as much right as any wife to say what she thinks.

[Janeasksquestions]

I haven’t apologised yet because when I go about it. I want it to be good!!! I am fairly young yes but my boyfriend is quite a bit older than me. I’m bothered about our son. Not me. Just would really like it if my son has a little place built by his dad to go to when he is older.

[Janeasksquestions]

elaine567

so is this why people get married?

He is a marriage a phobe big time.

Im indifferent to it really.

I just never felt the urge too. Maybe I have never met the right person.

And thank you. I think I do have some sort of right as mother of his child.

Edited May 14, 2020 by Janeasksquestions

[stillafool]

Most people marry because they are in love and want to spend their life or have a family with that person.  Marriage does legally provide the spouse and child security.  The child will always have rights to child support and healthcare whether parents are married or not.

Edited May 14, 2020 by stillafool

[smackie9]

You don't need any fanfare to get your point across, simply apologize...own full responsibility. Do not down play it or divert accountability by saying it was your ADHD/beer or whatever that clouded your judgment. Be humble and OWN IT! Acknowledge the hurt you put him through. Then ask him how you two can work this out....then LISTEN.

Edited May 14, 2020 by smackie9

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

The "skin the game" she has is his child and the fact they live together.
OK legally she is likely nowhere as regards the land, but when people live together and have children together then she has as much right as any wife to say what she thinks.

OK... sure.  I agree she may feel she has that right... but in certain matters... she doesn't.  Money, property, assets that came before the relationship... she has no say.  I know that's blunt, but when we are talking law... any divorce layer would say the same thing. And maybe that's part of my issue... I'm still fresh out of a 20 year relationship.

The point of a life together... once again... I learned that means nothing recently.  AND, while it's nice to think about the kid..............

1 hour ago, Janeasksquestions said:

 I’m bothered about our son. Not me. Just would really like it if my son has a little place built by his dad to go to when he is older.

.......  The reality is... that property and land may get sold way before your son would be old enough to inherit it.   Not to mention, you don't know what the future will hold. I've known several people who don't talk to the folks for one reason or another... AND... I've known several parents who don't talk to their kids.

So... once again... this is not a line that should have been crossed.  You have the right to voice your opinion, but you should have not let it go past that.  Once it became an argument... that's where you had no right.

I am sorry to be this way... but I just wanted to put it out there.

All you can do is tell him you are sorry, and you didn't have the right when it concerns his personal money/property.

Edited May 14, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[kendahke]

It's your boyfriend's land, though---he can do with it what he wants to do.  Until you're his wife, you have nothing to say about what he does with it.  What makes you think he wouldn't provide for his child? And is he giving his friend 95% of the land to put the house on? Clearly he must feel there's enough space for everyone or he wouldn't have done it.

I agree with Blind-sided... this is a bell that can't be unrung and you showed your true colors with that comment. You can apologize, but that doesn't even begin to touch the damage your comment made and he's not obligated to get over it for your comfort.

[d0nnivain]

You apologize sincerely.  You look him in the eye.  You listen & say nothing, do not even defend yourself, if he is curt in response.  Baked good & great sex go a long way to helping people make up.  

It is OK to explain that part of this escalated because you were off your meds.  

[ShyViolet]

Just apologize.  Be sincere, put your ego aside, don't be defensive.  Just speak from the heart.  Don't delay in doing this.  It will be up to him whether to accept the apology.  It sounds like maybe he feels that the relationship has bigger problems than just an apology can solve.  But it's a start.

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

while @stillafool and @elaine567 are spot-on with their responses.... I feel I should inject a guys point of view.

OK... you say "Girl Friend".... and I'm assuming nothing more. While I see you have a kid together... you are still "The Girl Friend."   You got upset trying to use a "Is it legal" view point... but you have to understand... as the GF... you don't have a legal leg to stand on.   Sure, laws are different in every state and every country (about a common law marriage)... but until you are legally married... and/or the land was a joint purchase... you have no "Skin in the game" where this is concerned.   First... I'm sorry to be blunt like that, but I had to say it.   So... with that all said... in your BF mind... he may be thinking now... "Here's her true colors, and she is worried more about money/property than our relationship/family."   I'm guessing this is the case since he no longer will say "I love you" to you.  Unfortunately... you have crossed a line that breaks family apart.

I know you said you are on meds to control this... but this could very well be a subject that cannot survive an apology... especially if you have been arguing for a month about it. (sorry)

She doesn't, but she's talking about their child. Who is also her child. She wasn't speaking about ownership for herself. OP...while you sound like you were overly harsh, I personally wouldn't take back the stance that it's a bad idea for this friend to build on your boyfriend's land, from the position of your child's future inheritance. It is.

All you can do, IMO, is deeply apologize for the actual words you used and for speaking cruelly about his friend. He may still not want to say "I love you," it may have been too much, this may be over, I don't know. But literally, that is all you can do. I don't know that you can necessarily fix this 100% to the way it was. I don't know what was actually said.

I *would not* just take back your legal stance as to your child's future inheritance. That is your child.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Also, as someone who takes medication for depression and anxiety, cruel though this may sound, our SOs do have the choice whether or not to take us on not just as our own lovely selves  but as people who have a condition that can in fact cause changes in our personality occasionally, sometimes (possibly) for long periods. This can be too much for some people to handle and I hate to say this, but I've had to admit it to myself: I can see that. Honestly, I'm not sure *I* could handle it.

I'm pretty even-keeled nowadays but I can still see a person beeing leery.

So it's still his decision. You feel it's not really "you" when you act that way, unmedicated, but what's "really us"? How medicated do we get until we're "really us"? When any person agrees to stay with a person with any condition - including physical; just any condition - that has to be accounted for. I don't want to sound unromantic but it has to be.

I have fortunately, or unfortunately, come across about a bajillion men who were willing to take that risk so it's not like you'd never find anyone else, and I do know you love this man, but you have to face the fact that he *might* accept your apology *but* not want to be with you the same way you two were before. That has to be up to him. I know this is hard, you didn't ask for this any more than he did. I get it.

[Blind-Sided]

11 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I *would not* just take back your legal stance as to your child's future inheritance. That is your child.

But... that's the part that makes it sound like "Gold Digging" to someone who owns the property... and an inheritance is a nice thing... but it's not guaranteed in life.  I know at one time, people worked to be able to leave stuff to their kids... but nowadays, a lot of people don't even have enough saved to properly retire... and may need to sell off assets to live later in life.  Basically... what I'm trying to convey is... our OP is arguing (for a month) over something that may not exist 5 years from now if her BF falls on hard times. 

And finally... who knows how the OP BF actually feels about her prior to this?  He may like this friend better than her. (just playing devils Advocate here)

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

But... that's the part that makes it sound like "Gold Digging" to someone who owns the property... and an inheritance is a nice thing... but it's not guaranteed in life.  I know at one time, people worked to be able to leave stuff to their kids... but nowadays, a lot of people don't even have enough saved to properly retire... and may need to sell off assets to live later in life.  Basically... what I'm trying to convey is... our OP is arguing (for a month) over something that may not exist 5 years from now if her BF falls on hard times. 

And finally... who knows how the OP BF actually feels about her prior to this?  He may like this friend better than her. (just playing devils Advocate here)

He presumably agreed to become a father. He seems to be in this. He has a responsibility to the child. So has she. I personally wouldn't care if I was coming off as "a gold digger" or how I was "coming off" at all in caring for my *own child* and *his* child. That's a human being. A human being I'm responsible for, and he is. Yes, hell yes, I'll have a say, not a final say since it's the father's property, but my own words given, about my own child's future.

Obviously this guy will make his own decisions anyway. He could, for all we know, literally just disown the kid. Who knows? Or go anywhere in between.

I would not for one second care about "coming off" any certain way. That's a crazy thing to hold over some mother's head, IMO. She has a child to take care of. She's taking care of the child. 

As for "liking" the friend more than "her", and apparently punishing the child for that (?) in your scenario (??), okay.....he can...of course he can. That's up to him.

Still doesn't mean she should say "Oh, never mind, I think it's a good idea for your child's future to have your friend build a home on your land."

Because it still isn't.

She is arguing based on now, not five years from now. I would never back down based on how much a guy would like me...even a boyfriend...and not protect my own child, because if I backed down on what I knew to be right, hey...maybe he'd like me a lot more.

That's a horrendous parental POV, IMO. 

The kid isn't some tool to be used, or dropped, as necessary in order to get one adult to "like" another adult "more."

She absolutlely should apologize for the verbiage, whatever that was, and for speaking harshly - she doesn't say what -and 100% for taking it as far as she did, drawing this out for a month. AND she should no longer talk about it; she has given her opinion on this. She should not take that opinion back, IMO. It is a VALID opinion. It IS a stupid move, probably. For him...even if she weren't in the picture. And potentially for THEIR child. There has been a lot of damage done, it seems. He may never forgive her. But I can't see why she should take back her actual stance on the prudence of this move. It's an idiot move.

She should apologize sincerely, lay off now that she's said what she thinks (that should have happened immediately after voicing what she voiced but that part can't be taken back), and if he dumps her he does...she can't really prevent that part.

Edited May 14, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

^ I can't edit...I'm shouting the poster down...that's dumb...sorry. I do feel strongly about this...it gets my ire up (whatever that actually means)...this idea of, be nice to the guy even if it means not taking care of your kid, because you want to keep the guy no matter what...and that's probably not Blind-Sided intent's intent...it's just that when I see anything that hints of that idea, I just go...no.

I'd personally "risk" losing that winner of a fella rather than say to my kid years down the road, "I'm sorry I never tried to protect you, but I really wanted Daddy to like me a lot."

Urghhhhh....raising a child is hard enough, for both men and women...placing labels like "gold-digger" on one another in the middle of all that isn't going to help, IMO...there's already so much damage in this scenario.

[Blind-Sided]

12 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

1) about my own child's future.

2) IMO. She has a child to take care of. She's taking care of the child. 

3) As for "liking" the friend more than "her", and apparently punishing the child for that (?) in your scenario (??)

4) Still doesn't mean she should say "Oh, never mind, I think it's a good idea for your child's future to have your friend build a home on your land."

5) She is arguing based on now, not five years from now. I would never back down based on how much a guy would like me...even a boyfriend...and not protect my own child,..That's a horrendous parental POV, IMO. The kid isn't some tool to be used,

hey @CaliforniaGirl this is a great debate... and is exactly the same scenario that our OP and her BF are dealing with.  I know you have strong feelings on this, and you probably won't try to see the other side... but just an FYI for you... I'm a single dad with 2 daughters, and currently have 85% custody of my oldest and around 65% of my youngest... so I fully understand the dynamic of protecting my kids from influence of others and making sure they are warm, safe, fed, and feel loved.  I broke up your post to make it a little easier to address each point, and so the responses won't bleed together.

1) How is it about the kid's future?  This argument is about a "Thing" that doesn't help their son right NOW. (since you have made the point of the argument is now)

2) That's great... she needs to take care of her son, and that means building a loving environment, and not what assets she can get for him.

3) OK... that's a stretch... but I was just saying we don't know the dynamic of the relationship... and we don't know if the kid was planned. So, we can't assume anything about that.  OK... I know this is going to b a s***ty thing to say... but if a kid wasn't planed... sometimes people don't care about them. (And walk away)

4) You are right... she never has to agree with the choice... but she has to live with it, if she wants to be a SO with him.  It's just like going to your favorite restaurant and finding out they took your favorite thing off the menu.  You can be upset and/or mad... but you have no say in that since you don't own the restaurant.  So you have a choice... leave, or find something else you like to eat.  It's the same thing here... she can leave or learn to live with it since she doesn't own it.  Right or wrong... that's the legal standpoint.

5) But she's not arguing now... she is arguing future. Sure, the actual argument is "now"... but she's arguing about something that may not ACTUALLY have an impact on her son's life for another 30 years. And as I was saying before... in that 30 years... that property may get sold.  So this goes to the main point of this debate... she is potentially destroying a relationship with the father of her son because of a "Thing".

OK... just a little more on me.  After my exW decided she didn't want this family to stay together... I had a lot to deal with.  One of my big choices was to buy my house.  I kept thinking there was no way I could pay for my house on a single paycheck... but I knew it was the best thing for my kid's stability. (They got to keep the bedroom they have known from birth)  I sacrificed a lot of my own personal "Hobby Money" to make that mortgage payment on my own.  I made that sacrifice because I love my kids.  BUT, in none of this am I thinking that I need to finish paying for this house so my kids can have an inheritance. This is still my house! (the actual, physical property) but it will always be their "Home."  

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

Oh.... @CaliforniaGirl... One thing that came to mind... since the OP and her BF are arguing... and he is clearly upset about it. (won't say I love you)  and since this property is his personal property... how do we know his friend isn't paying him for the land??????   If I was the BF in this situation... and I had a GF being unreasonable... I probably wouldn't feel like talking about all the details with her. 

[Blind-Sided]

Oh... I just thought of one more thing on my #5 above......

What is the real impact here??   Right now... we just know that the BF is giving property to a friend.   As I was saying, she may not know all the details, and taking it WAY past where it should be.  Maybe the friend save the BF life, and he owes him.  Maybe giving the land is a repayment on an old debt that the OP didn't know about??   Also... how much land does the BF own?   This is a much different "Feel" if we are talking about... the BF owns 1 acre and is giving his friend half of it... and the new house will be right next to the BF's house, and eating up a nice yard.   OR... does the BF own 40 acres and he's giving his buddy 1 ?  (almost irrelevant in that situation)

Anyway... just some things to consider since we only know part of the story... and it's the side from the person who is upset about it.

I guess all of this debate is irrelevant to be honest.  There is 2 things the OP can do.  Walk away, or accept what the BF is doing if she wants to stay.  And since she is asking how to make a heartfelt apology... I'm guessing she is going to accept it.

OP... all you can do is say you are sorry, and you had no reason to be so upset about something that is not yours to be so passionate about. You can say that you were just thinking of your son's future... but you need to be calm, and deescalate the conversation.  that means do not debate or get upset at whatever he says. At that point... all you can do is hope for the best outcome.

Edited May 15, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[ChatroomHero]

Friends drift, disagree, get in arguments. Things like his friend may want a fence, or a pool, etc. that he is dead set against can become a war he might not be able to win. The pool can be a liability to your bf if it is on his land and he has no control.

If he doesn't want a fence built or a pool and the friend does it can escalate to a war. If one day your bf wants to sell the land, he may not be able to if the friend is still there or he may have complications. Depending on how he does it, your bf may be responsible for the property taxes and have to collect from the friend. If everything goes awful, it's not like he can evict. Your bf may be a prisoner on his own land. Now if he is selling a parcel, things may be different but if he is thinking, "I can have his house and we'll be neighbors and he can help take care of the land and everything will be great..." experience tells me that is about the worst thought he could have.

Even with close friends that are like family you run into things like the friend adamantly wants to build the pool one day and your bf is against it because he has to pay for the liability in his home owners insurance and then try to collect from the friend. The friend doesn't pay for 2 months, says he's working on it and the following week buys a motorcycle. Then your bf is beyond angry that his friend is buying a pool and a motorcycle for $10s of thousands but not paying $100 a month in the added liability to your bf and is seemingly not worried about paying. Things like that come up easily and all the sudden your bf is in a war for his own land and own money with someone that has no financial stake but most of the rights. It's just an example but it sounds like your bf is naive and you had every right to bring it up. Now if your bf knows all this but for the risk is making substantial money from his friend or saving money because his friend is paying for the land etc., it may be fine. Hell, your bf may start building a shed he wants to build and the friend might get pissed because he doesn't want the shed built that close to his house...again, war erupts pretty quickly.

The point is, you probably are not wrong. Your bf is probably short-sighted, too trusting or naive. If you want the apology to be sincere, you can apologize for going over the top but tell him you still believe it is a mistake. Tell him you know it is his choice and you think it is a bad one but if that's what he decides to do, you support it and won't give him sh*t about it or bring it up in arguments in the future. 

If I were you, I would ask him to talk to a realtor or real estate lawyer about what he wants to do. I mean if his friend is paying him a bunch of money to lease the land and your bf still owns it, they'll probably not say much, it's a good deal and your bf gets $. If he is just 'giving' the land for a house to be built on as a nice gesture to a friend, they will probably ask him if he is crazy and strongly advise him of all the liabilities and things that could go wrong. For probably $300-$400  he can get professional advice. Ask him to do that not to put you at ease but because you want to support him making the right decision and it will give you both piece of mind to get professional advice. Let him know if the lawyer or realtor advises him not to, he should be prepared to heed the advice. Supporting him does not mean blindly agreeing with him, it means working as a team to help each other make good decisions.

I think if you show him you are supportive in the sense that if he is making a bad decision you are there to look out for him and if he is making a safe decision you support that as well. At the same time, if you keep blowing up at him and going overboard routinely, your sincere apologies won't amount to much after a while.

[Fletch Lives]

I'm not so sure it's a good idea for your man's friend to build a house on your man's land. Perhaps you should not be so quick to apologize.

[Miss Spider]

Are  really sure you want to  or are you just doing so because he’s being salty and separating you from his friends? You sure he hasn’t   manipulated you whether intentionally or not  into backing down about this and convincing yourself you were overreacting because you had ADHD. If you really, genuinely don’t care and we’re just being a d about it for the sake of it; then just apologize and say so... but because you apparently don’t think that’s enough it kind hints somethings out of wack here. Maybe  you can do what I always do and say  were just kidding... haha... he can never tell when you’re joking... but not sure I recommend that 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[OatsAndHall]

On 5/14/2020 at 8:49 AM, smackie9 said:

You don't need any fanfare to get your point across, simply apologize...own full responsibility. Do not down play it or divert accountability by saying it was your ADHD/beer or whatever that clouded your judgment. Be humble and OWN IT! Acknowledge the hurt you put him through. Then ask him how you two can work this out....then LISTEN.

Yup. Fall on the sword, apologize and move forward. And, understand that there are just some things that you shouldn't be highly vocal about in a relationship. My girlfriend wants to buy a pickup truck and I think it's a bad idea. They're expensive, they get poor gas mileage, they're costly to insure and she doesn't have need for one. With that being said, it's her life, her money and voicing my thoughts on it aren't warranted. She asked my opinion on the subject and I kept my trap shut; "Have fun shopping, hon!".