When should I start dating

[Realitysux]

I've been single for about a decade but I was kind of obsessed with someone for a large amount of that. I got over it. The better my mental health is, the less obsessed I was. I am indifferent in the sense, I feel absolutely nothing for him. I don't have any feelings. I don't feel envy or jealous or any of that. That's a big win for me so I feel happy but .. my life isn't that great. 

I spent a large amount of my time in a depression neglecting all areas of my life. I have a job as a carpenter. I am waiting to hear if they accepted me for an apartment but because I just consolidated my debts, my credits shot I'm on a waiting list for a place to open a salad bar. I will ultimately find a place at some point. I neglected myself so I look and feel awful. I don't even clean my house anymore and spend more time online in bed with no energy and just blah. I don't drive but I just started that process. I need to make some serious changes and I was wondering if you guys had some opinions because I haven't really dated since I was 25 and I'm 37. Please be encouraging 

[Gr8fuln2020]

3 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I've been single for about a decade but I was kind of obsessed with someone for a large amount of that. I got over it. The better my mental health is, the less obsessed I was. I am indifferent in the sense, I feel absolutely nothing for him. I don't have any feelings. I don't feel envy or jealous or any of that. That's a big win for me so I feel happy but .. my life isn't that great. 

I spent a large amount of my time in a depression neglecting all areas of my life. I have a job as a carpenter. I am waiting to hear if they accepted me for an apartment but because I just consolidated my debts, my credits shot I'm on a waiting list for a place to open a salad bar. I will ultimately find a place at some point. I neglected myself so I look and feel awful. I don't even clean my house anymore and spend more time online in bed with no energy and just blah. I don't drive but I just started that process. I need to make some serious changes and I was wondering if you guys had some opinions because I haven't really dated since I was 25 and I'm 37. Please be encouraging 

I would seriously recommend you getting counseling, if not, already. Being obsessed with anyone or anything for years is no small detail and some professional assistance should have been a part of helping your with that obsession. Take some serious time getting yourself together and ready to be in a positive, supportive, contributing relationship. Get YOUR life at a place where someone looking at you will find encouraging and promising. 

What steps have you taken and are taking now to make these serious changes? Start. Continue. Do you have friends and family with whom you socialize regularly? Are you social or have been? One step at a time...if you start too soon, and you are not ready to give back, the rejection, frustration may do more harm. 

[miranda561]

11 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I've been single for about a decade but I was kind of obsessed with someone for a large amount of that. I got over it. The better my mental health is, the less obsessed I was. I am indifferent in the sense, I feel absolutely nothing for him. I don't have any feelings. I don't feel envy or jealous or any of that. That's a big win for me so I feel happy but .. my life isn't that great. 

I spent a large amount of my time in a depression neglecting all areas of my life. I have a job as a carpenter. I am waiting to hear if they accepted me for an apartment but because I just consolidated my debts, my credits shot I'm on a waiting list for a place to open a salad bar. I will ultimately find a place at some point. I neglected myself so I look and feel awful. I don't even clean my house anymore and spend more time online in bed with no energy and just blah. I don't drive but I just started that process. I need to make some serious changes and I was wondering if you guys had some opinions because I haven't really dated since I was 25 and I'm 37. Please be encouraging 

Although you were rude about my previous post on another thread i shall still give advice. 

37 is still a reasonable age. You've had a tough time. A lot of people do. I think you can get there one step at a time.

But i would get yourself together first before you start  dating anyone. Especially online dating can be harsh and you need to be in the right frame of mind before you start putting yourself out there. 

[Realitysux]

12 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I would seriously recommend you getting counseling, if not, already. Being obsessed with anyone or anything for years is no small detail and some professional assistance should have been a part of helping your with that obsession. Take some serious time getting yourself together and ready to be in a positive, supportive, contributing relationship. Get YOUR life at a place where someone looking at you will find encouraging and promising. 

What steps have you taken and are taking now to make these serious changes? Start. Continue. Do you have friends and family with whom you socialize regularly? Are you social or have been? One step at a time...if you start too soon, and you are not ready to give back, the rejection, frustration may do more harm. 

There were small steps prior to the virus but not since. I am moving to a different place. I am going to start working out again when the gym opens. I'm going to attend therapy. I wanted to start life coaching and online therapy but the guy I was obsessed with actually hacked me, I've been a little embarrassed to do online therapy and life coaching  I have a tech guy coming in to assist me on Saturday with this. I am joining a couple meetups and attending church when it opens. If you had any further suggestions then I would appreciate it. 

 

7 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Although you were rude about my previous post on another thread i shall still give advice. 

37 is still a reasonable age. You've had a tough time. A lot of people do. I think you can get there one step at a time.

But i would get yourself together first before you start  dating anyone. Especially online dating can be harsh and you need to be in the right frame of mind before you start putting yourself out there. 

I'm very sorry I was rude to you on your post. I didn't mean to be, but with my age and the fact I haven't dated in more then a decade (this guy gave me a hard time about that) I got offended. I recognize that it's not what you said but myself being too sensitive and defensive. I appreciate your honesty and advice. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Realitysux

[Gr8fuln2020]

5 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

There were small steps prior to the virus but not since. I am moving to a different place. I am going to start working out again when the gym opens. I'm going to attend therapy. I wanted to start life coaching and online therapy but the guy I was obsessed with actually hacked me, I've been a little embarrassed to do online therapy and life coaching  I have a tech guy coming in to assist me on Saturday with this. I am joining a couple meetups and attending church when it opens. If you had any further suggestions then I would appreciate it. 

Well, then you haven't started yet. You need to make these first steps a commitment for some time before you are ready, frankly. 

So, this obsession only ended recently? 

[Realitysux]

1 minute ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Well, then you haven't started yet. You need to make these first steps a commitment for some time before you are ready, frankly. 

So, this obsession only ended recently? 

The obsession was slowly dying over time but I'm indifferent, I can assure you. I wasn't fully at fault either because he was in my life feeding it even after I explained to him it was an unhealthy obsession and I needed no contact. It's a very long story but I am indifferent. I wouldn't take him back EVER! I feel nothing. I'm on this forum because I don't enjoy my life anymore. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

The obsession was slowly dying over time but I'm indifferent, I can assure you. I wasn't fully at fault either because he was in my life feeding it even after I explained to him it was an unhealthy obsession and I needed no contact. It's a very long story but I am indifferent. I wouldn't take him back EVER! I feel nothing. I'm on this forum because I don't enjoy my life anymore. 

You MUST see that you are not ready, right? Not for you and certainly not for someone else. 

As soon as you can, get some therapy. What about friends or family to talk to?

[FMW]

16 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I spent a large amount of my time in a depression neglecting all areas of my life.

I neglected myself so I look and feel awful. I don't even clean my house anymore and spend more time online in bed with no energy and just blah.

Your focus should be on the issues I quoted.  It's going to be almost impossible to be in the proper frame of mind to be engaging and receptive to connecting with men (or anyone) when you are having such a hard time right now just caring about yourself. 

Until you let go of your anger about what happened in the past, you're going to be stuck.  No one is worth derailing your life over.  It doesn't matter what he did or said, doesn't matter how big of a jerk he was, how unfair he was to you.  Don't let it continue to cripple you emotionally.  You have all the power over your life, but you at least temporarily have given it away.  Take your power back.  Leave the past in the past, lock that door and throw away the key.  

It's great that you are planning your strategy, so just stay focused and make sure and put those plans in action.  In the meantime, you don't have to wait to do something.  Start doing things you are able to do at home to make yourself feel better, whatever that might be.  I have my girly things, like doing face masks and deep conditioning my hair that sound silly, but make me feel good because I'm paying attention to myself.  And looking better for it!   Definitely keep your house clean, your surroundings have a big impact on your mood.    

[Realitysux]

I am NOT ready at all. I know that. I don't have family or friends to talk to. I've isolated myself to the point I'm just feeling like myself again. I tried to connect online but this guy had too many cat fish. 

[miranda561]

5 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

The obsession was slowly dying over time but I'm indifferent, I can assure you. I wasn't fully at fault either because he was in my life feeding it even after I explained to him it was an unhealthy obsession and I needed no contact. It's a very long story but I am indifferent. I wouldn't take him back EVER! I feel nothing. I'm on this forum because I don't enjoy my life anymore. 

Im not surprised you say the guy was feeding your obsession.

He probably said all sorts of things which made you fall even deeper. But to him it was just words without actual meaning. 

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

Your focus should be on the issues I quoted.  It's going to be almost impossible to be in the proper frame of mind to be engaging and receptive to connecting with men (or anyone) when you are having such a hard time right now just caring about yourself. 

Until you let go of your anger about what happened in the past, you're going to be stuck.  No one is worth derailing your life over.  It doesn't matter what he did or said, doesn't matter how big of a jerk he was, how unfair he was to you.  Don't let it continue to cripple you emotionally.  You have all the power over your life, but you at least temporarily have given it away.  Take your power back.  Leave the past in the past, lock that door and throw away the key.  

It's great that you are planning your strategy, so just stay focused and make sure and put those plans in action.  In the meantime, you don't have to wait to do something.  Start doing things you are able to do at home to make yourself feel better, whatever that might be.  I have my girly things, like doing face masks and deep conditioning my hair that sound silly, but make me feel good because I'm paying attention to myself.  And looking better for it!   Definitely keep your house clean, your surroundings have a big impact on your mood.    

Haha, I am just going to move and keep the new house clean. I was always a clean person but when your in this low of mood, it's exhausting. 

[Realitysux]

Just now, miranda561 said:

Im not surprised you say the guy was feeding your obsession.

He probably said all sorts of things which made you fall even deeper. But to him it was just words without actual meaning. 

Yea well I have no regrets because I did not give him much and I don't care. I'm grateful for all of your responses. 

[miranda561]

3 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I am NOT ready at all. I know that. I don't have family or friends to talk to. I've isolated myself to the point I'm just feeling like myself again. I tried to connect online but this guy had too many cat fish. 

Where  are they? If nnot friends..your family?

[Realitysux]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

Where  are they? If nnot friends..your family

I think when I start to feel better and establish a normal life, then I will post some pictures on Facebook and connect. My family is NOT an option but I support them when I can. I am going to make new connections after I get myself together. I'm glad I have this post for when I need to reach out. I appreciate all of you! 

[miranda561]

22 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

There were small steps prior to the virus but not since. I am moving to a different place. I am going to start working out again when the gym opens. I'm going to attend therapy. I wanted to start life coaching and online therapy but the guy I was obsessed with actually hacked me, I've been a little embarrassed to do online therapy and life coaching  I have a tech guy coming in to assist me on Saturday with this. I am joining a couple meetups and attending church when it opens. If you had any further suggestions then I would appreciate it. 

 

I'm very sorry I was rude to you on your post. I didn't mean to be, but with my age and the fact I haven't dated in more then a decade (this guy gave me a hard time about that) I got offended. I recognize that it's not what you said but myself being too sensitive and defensive. I appreciate your honesty and advice. 

Ohhhhh yeh no worries.

I think you deffo misunderstood me. Basically i was just saying about the other guy who the post was about..that if he meets a woman he should leave out the fact he hasn't  ever had a relationship as some may perceive him in a negative way or wonder why that is. It was just a tip to help him out. To help him put his best foot forward. 

Personally  i dont judge or wouldnt be rude about things like that..but my advice would be similar  for your situation. 

[Realitysux]

3 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Ohhhhh yeh no worries.

I think you deffo misunderstood me. Basically i was just saying about the other guy who the post was about..that if he meets a woman he should leave out the fact he hasn't  ever had a relationship as some may perceive him in a negative way or wonder why that is. It was just a tip to help him out. To help him put his best foot forward. 

Personally  i dont judge or wouldnt be rude about things like that..but my advice would be similar  for your situation. 

I can pick up where I left off. I had tons of prior dating experience. That does not intimidate me at all. I'm not afraid of the dating scene but I myself am not in a position to date anybody. It's unfortunate but it's the reality. I actually told this guy this but he enjoyed torturing me. I went through a difficult situation and I wasn't able to be close to a man as a result of some emotional issues that I have to deal with. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

I will NOT get into details on this forum but I basically had this adorable son. He was the most adorable thing on this planet and I really enjoyed him. I end up having to leave him for 5 years roughly and when I came back, he was different. I should have been stronger and dealt with what I had to deal with, got some family counselling but he was also damaged from the sepation and he hated me. Several times after I had custody, he would chose to go back. That was difficult for me and a big reason why I didn't date. When I move, I plan on working with him on this. As a result of the family issue's, I'll probably date but nothing serious until I'm about 40 or so. Down the road, I'll connect because we have needs but not right now. I let my mom come stay with me and he is attached to her so I don't have the parenting role down yet. It's like he forgot me before all this. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Realitysux

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

There were small steps prior to the virus but not since. I am moving to a different place. I am going to start working out again when the gym opens. 

Don't WAIT for the gym to open, Start working out NOW! It'll make you feel so much better. I am working from home and home schooling during the pandemic, and we go out everyday after I'm done with work either bike riding or walking.  A couple days ago, I took a break at lunch and we took a walk, it was short but so nice and made me feel better and more motivated to finish my work. Yesterday, I did my daughter's PE homework/workouts with her, it was great!  Take a break during the day and go outside, you'll feel a lot better. But don't wait for anything, do it now! 

[Malin889]

45 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I will NOT get into details on this forum but I basically had this adorable son. He was the most adorable thing on this planet and I really enjoyed him. I end up having to leave him for 5 years roughly and when I came back, he was different. I should have been stronger and dealt with what I had to deal with, got some family counselling but he was also damaged from the sepation and he hated me. Several times after I had custody, he would chose to go back. That was difficult for me and a big reason why I didn't date. When I move, I plan on working with him on this. As a result of the family issue's, I'll probably date but nothing serious until I'm about 40 or so. Down the road, I'll connect because we have needs but not right now. I let my mom come stay with me and he is attached to her so I don't have the parenting role down yet. It's like he forgot me before all this. 

I'm sorry to hear whatever happened with your son. So he is living with you now? 

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

Haha, I am just going to move and keep the new house clean. I was always a clean person but when your in this low of mood, it's exhausting. 

It IS exhausting to clean, but you feel so much better when you clean and things aren't cluttered. 

[Realitysux]

4 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

I'm sorry to hear whatever happened with your son. So he is living with you now? 

Yea and I have legal custody again. I signed over guardianship when he was a bit younger but I have legal custody again. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Realitysux

[lana-banana]

I think your first priority should be finding someone who can support you on a regular basis---a therapist, a coach, a counselor, some licensed professional who can check in with you and help keep you accountable. They can also help you determine what a good timeline for dating would look like. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

17 hours ago, Realitysux said:

Yea and I have legal custody again. I signed over guardianship when he was a bit younger but I have legal custody again. 

This is another indication that you are not ready to date. You have a 'new' child to take care of. You need to get yourself together FOR HIM. May I dare ask how and why you signed over guardianship when he was younger? 

GO. NOW. And find a counselor to talk to and get yourself clear of whatever demons you have. 

[Realitysux]

I appreciate all the replies. I am offline tonight for the most part and I am sitting with myself and trying to enjoy my own company. I'm also planning my weekend. Plazas are open so I can do some shopping and also the golf courses are open so I'm going to go golfing on Sunday. I asked my son to come with me but he doesn't want to so I'm going solo. 

I'm also going to respect the kind man who was a victim of my obsession and never mention him again. I am thinking about what kind of things I want from a man when I am ready to date. It turns out, I am not shallow. I am just praying that I find someone I will love again. In the mean time, I'm going to try spend sometime with myself. 

 

I'm also going to thank him in the no contact post over in coping. To release it and that will assist me in moving on. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Realitysux
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