Feeling like reaching out to an ex, even though there's never been any response

May 13, 2020

You got to build up your self-esteem before you get in another relationship. you might need to go into counseling to work on that. But you could start by just reading some books on self-esteem.

May 13, 2020

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

You got to build up your self-esteem before you get in another relationship. you might need to go into counseling to work on that. But you could start by just reading some books on self-esteem.

Yes! I've got a few really good books on self-esteem, some of them by psychiatrists, etc. It's definitely one of my main focuses

May 13, 2020

That's good that you are going to work on yourself and do not want to bring any past issues to a new relationship. That's the only thing you can do at this point. Go out and exercise. I just bought a new bike and when the weather has been good, I've been out riding almost every day. It makes me feel so much better. What are your other interests?

May 13, 2020

AND don't idolize the ex. To make yourself feel better, think of all the bad times with him. Don't act like he's god's gift. Think of all of his baggage and bad traits. Do you really want someone like that? Keep thinking that. That will make you want to move on.

May 13, 2020

7 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Yes! I've got a few really good books on self-esteem, some of them by psychiatrists, etc. It's definitely one of my main focuses

You hear that I had to leave work and loose more pay cause of this right?

May 13, 2020

And never forget that seemingly unrelated things can build up your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be related to your love life at all. Any accomplishments you do on your own, your career, just keeping a roof over your own head, build backbone and self-esteem. So don't let those things slide when you're heartbroken.

May 13, 2020

1 minute ago, Malin889 said:

That's good that you are going to work on yourself and do not want to bring any past issues to a new relationship. That's the only thing you can do at this point. Go out and exercise. I just bought a new bike and when the weather has been good, I've been out riding almost every day. It makes me feel so much better. What are your other interests?

That's nice, bike riding is lovely and really peaceful I've bought some weights and I was planning to start going out to my local park and working out lol. Used to go to the gym but obviously not right now lol. I love music, playing instruments, and recently became interested in making playlists of themed music and sharing them - they have started to get followers so I guess i'm good at it. That's quite a solitary thing though I guess. I enjoy reading about social issues etc. Lol I have a lot of solitary interests which is annoying sometimes

May 13, 2020

1 minute ago, preraph said:

And never forget that seemingly unrelated things can build up your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be related to your love life at all. Any accomplishments you do on your own, your career, just keeping a roof over your own head, build backbone and self-esteem. So don't let those things slide when you're heartbroken.

Very good point yes. There is more to life than love and relationships. Last night I even realised that I run a home on my own with two pets, which struck me as a really adult thing to do and I felt quite proud for about ten minutes lol.

May 13, 2020

7 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Very good point yes. There is more to life than love and relationships. Last night I even realised that I run a home on my own with two pets, which struck me as a really adult thing to do and I felt quite proud for about ten minutes lol.

Adult that is. I'm a child

May 13, 2020

15 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

AND don't idolize the ex. To make yourself feel better, think of all the bad times with him. Don't act like he's god's gift. Think of all of his baggage and bad traits. Do you really want someone like that? Keep thinking that. That will make you want to move on.

Thank you, I try to do this often and remind myself that real 'love' doesn't really treat people the way he did.

May 13, 2020

27 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Thank you, I try to do this often and remind myself that real 'love' doesn't really treat people the way he did.

That's true .. you are lucky he is just letting you be. I wish to be let go immediately after my next breakup. I'm going to be very careful not to make the guy feel sorry for me at all.

Edited May 13, 2020 by Realitysux

May 13, 2020

57 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Thank you, I try to do this often and remind myself that real 'love' doesn't really treat people the way he did.

Exactly!

May 13, 2020

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

That's nice, bike riding is lovely and really peaceful I've bought some weights and I was planning to start going out to my local park and working out lol. Used to go to the gym but obviously not right now lol. I love music, playing instruments, and recently became interested in making playlists of themed music and sharing them - they have started to get followers so I guess i'm good at it. That's quite a solitary thing though I guess. I enjoy reading about social issues etc. Lol I have a lot of solitary interests which is annoying sometimes

That's great! There's a guy on my town's FB page who's been playing the piano on a regular basis, and another local guy who plays live music who plays on FB almost every night. Even if you're playing by yourself, if you get followers, that's awesome! Even just going for a walk or going outside is nice. I've noticed people are waaayyy more friendlier than they used to be. I live in the States, in the Northeast, and around my area, people aren't exactly known to be friendly. But since the lockdown has happened, whenever I go for a bike ride or a walk, everyone I go by says hi. It makes me feel better about the human race lol.

May 13, 2020

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

Very good point yes. There is more to life than love and relationships. Last night I even realised that I run a home on my own with two pets, which struck me as a really adult thing to do and I felt quite proud for about ten minutes lol.

You should feel proud. This relationship has been tearing you down. Now you can build yourself back stronger than ever so you won't be as vulnerable. There are people you can love but not live with. But you really shouldn't love someone who isn't good for you, doesn't build you up and support you. I think it helps to look for general ethics in a man to know what they're capable of. If they're screwing people around whether it's their friends or their employers or stealing from a neighbor, they're not going to have good relationship ethics either. So don't go making excuses for people who are using others.

May 13, 2020

This person does not want to talk to you. I'm not sure what you would hope to accomplish by contacting them. It sounds like maybe you're looking for "closure" or some insight as to why she broke up with you. You are not going to get that. The concept of closure is a myth.... there's no magical thing she could tell you that would make you feel better and make the pain of the breakup go away. Breakups just suck and they take time to get over. Allow yourself the time to process this and work through it. But your recovery is not going to involve communicating with her.

May 13, 2020

@homecoming

Sorry for your pain. You've gotten a lot of good responses so I'm going to just try and focus on two separate things that haven't been discussed so far.

Some folks have mentioned it in passing or talked about related things. But the main part of getting over a breakup like this consists of two things:
- Accepting this other person and who they really are and what they really did
- Accepting yourself and your role to play in the relationship and its failure
- To point A - I've found a lot of good people, myself included especially, have a "hole in their soul" - and we stick in bad, crazy, or just not good for us (based on our wants, needs, personalities, etc.) relationships. We do not listen to our guts when the red flags rise up or we ignore our own wants and needs in order to maintain the relationship (or in some cases to not "rock the boat".) Sometimes its helpful to ask yourself - if you treated your ex like they treated you (or if you only put in as much effort or thought as they did) would the relationship have lasted as long as it did? I think we sometimes build up an image of a person we're dating in our head subconsciously that's not complete or accurate of the entire picture/reality of who this person is (or at least who they are NOW). And we fill in the blanks or we ignore the bad parts of them in order to keep ourselves emotionally interested in the person. I'll be fully vulnerable and give a personal example. I'm 38. for two years I was dating someone who's 24. I know, too young, too big of an age gape for someone that young. But I didn't know any better consciously. Now leaving aside any judgment of me as a "dirty old man"...lol, in retrospect almost 9 months after the breakup, I can look back and say that because she started out affectionate with me I and was more than happy to TALK about a future together, I ignored everything else that was either wrong with our relationship or wrong about her. She had no prior dating experience having had closed off, shamed based, and bitter parents who also happened to be immigrants. She had no self-esteem and a lot of body shame even though she really was HOT as crap. She had no examples in her life of a loving, caring, mature, healthy relationship. Her parents were cold and unaffectionate, and she wrapped herself in a coat of "I'm a good girl" which made it impossible for her to see how she could make mistakes, hurt people, and led her to not only be uncomfortable being herself, it made her closed off overall emotionally and physically and it made it almost impossible for her to see how she wasn't as smart or experienced about the world as she thought she was (though I'm not calling her dumb, she was just used to acing through bad schools). So I ignored all of that and several incidents of her threatening abandonment on me, (and also threatening self-harm), because I thought I was finally getting the "affectionate, sexy, into me" woman I've always wanted. Yeah....stupid/silly me. The affection started to drop after a year, her tantrums continued, and she made no plans on when/how she would tell her parents about us (she still lived at home), and she wasn't even capable of realizing how emotionally blocked and compartmentalized her life was let alone have any desire to fix those things. So I ended getting my heart broken when she suddenly ended things. And that's a lesson all good people need to understand - you asked "how could your ex be so ___ (I forget your wording) - and that's because he's messed up in a way emotionally/psychologically. And his words don't align with his feelings or with his actions. Now a lot of people grow out of that in their 20s - but some people never do. So moving forward, you need to find someone who's integrated and truly comfortable with themselves. And that leads to point two:
- Every relationship (romantic or otherwise) is a dance between two people. You're 50% responsible for what happens in the relationship. Now, I'm not saying this is "your fault". No it's not about blame on you or him or both of you. It's about realizing that you knew (as you said) you weren't in a great relationship and yet you stayed till you got hurt. Why? 50% of your recovery needs to be focused on you - your life up to this point, your views, your opinions, your behaviors, your choices, your self-image, your self-talk, etc. - to help you undrestand yourself better and why you do what you do. I'm not saying you need to change yourself wholesale or even "a lot". But better understanding yourself will help you realize when/where you might be making the wrong choices in life (and not just with relationships) and it will help you spot patterns that may undermine your desire for something. So go into the "darkness" you're feeling and let it show you and "teach" you things. For example, I was raised by hard working parents who were emotional wrecks and former or future addicts. (dad's been sober for 40+ years but as a heavy drinker for a decade before I came along (by which point he had been clean a few years)... but my mom became a drug addict when I was 10/12). My paternal grandmother lived with us and the three of them were (And still are to a certain extant) emotionally immature, emotionally blocked, and emotionally unstable and shame based. So when they got into big arguments they'd threaten abandonment of eaech other (with me as a bystander). That plus a few others things led me to develop a fear of losing people. Whether it was romantic, friendships, even some family members - I thought I was "bad" or "wrong" - I was "shamed" to let people go and therefore I tried really hard to "keep" people and become something more than they wanted from me. I fixed that to a certain extant with friendships a few years ago but was unknowingly still doing that with relationships. I've learned I have to stay my ground, clearly express my wants/needs and lifestyle and let the chips fall where they may when it comes to dating. Now that doesn't mean I can't compromise on things. But for example, I'm a sensual and affectionate guy and I love the outdoors. If someone can't go hiking with me and also isn't affectionate and have a high sex drive I'm not going to be a happy camper. Now maybe we don't go hiking a ton together throughout the year, but if I'm dating someone they need to enjoy it enough to do it with me once or twice a month.
A trick a friend I met on here in the past 9 months taught me early on in my recovery that has helped so much -
- Write - every day until you're sick of writing - write! If you don't like to write - type up an email and send it to yourself every day. Save them in a folder in your email provider. After 2-3 months of doing it every day you'll start to see things and learn things just from doing it. Make a simple bullet point list and puke your guts/mind up on 5 topics:
  - Your qualities
  - Your accomplishments
  - Your goals
  - What you want/need in a partner/relationship
  - Bad things about your ex/relationship with them.
- Write this every day and respond to it. Having a really bad day with multiple spirals? Write it 2, 5, 10 times a day if you need to. Repeat it. Repeat it. Repeat it.
- Make sure you go full No Contact
- Have your support team (family, friends, co-workers you trust who know you well and you can open up to 100% and be 100% transparent with your feelings, thoughts, and actions) call you out when you 1...break NC....2 spend too much time wondering "what if"....3..Focus on "well he's going to be x or y or z in the future" f*** him. (Figuratively). That jackass wants to treat you bad and dump you without a reason and suddenly? f*** him. Let him burn in hell. Even if you were proven to be the only person who could donate marrow to save him, his mother, or his current/future daughter from Cancer - f*** HIM. Let them die. Remember - a healthy, affirming, supportive, and life-giving partner in a relationship that's healthy, mature, affirming, supportive, etc. opens up about their feelings 100% and shares them and you work on addressing/fixing things TOGETHER. If they don't tell you what's really going on (probably in your case because he's f'd up and an emotional wreck and emotionally immature) and doesn't give you that opportunity to support him and create a relationship (even if it's just temporary changes) that help solve the underlying issue or address the feelings - then he's not worthy of your love or your emotional/intellectual/psychological time and energy. f*** HIM.

May 16, 2020

On 5/13/2020 at 11:50 AM, homecoming said:

cut out of this person's life so ruthlessly.

Some people just lack class overall. It hurts like hell but their actions should speak for themselves. If they want nothing to do with you, that's their loss but it's also probably for the best. But it's also best that you not further entangle yourself in something that's detrimental to your healing.

May 16, 2020

53 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Some people just lack class overall. It hurts like hell but their actions should speak for themselves. If they want nothing to do with you, that's their loss but it's also probably for the best. But it's also best that you not further entangle yourself in something that's detrimental to your healing.

I think - or know - that it is for the best. I've had several interactions with other people who've told me about their negative experiences with this person. I feel that things would have probably hurt me again and again if I'd stayed in touch with them, I can't really recall when this person ever truly treated me with genuine respect. I am, if nothing else, grateful that I'm being left alone to work on myself to the point that I'd never entertain something/someone like that, ever again.

May 16, 2020

On 5/13/2020 at 8:54 PM, ShyViolet said:

This person does not want to talk to you. I'm not sure what you would hope to accomplish by contacting them. It sounds like maybe you're looking for "closure" or some insight as to why she broke up with you. You are not going to get that. The concept of closure is a myth.... there's no magical thing she could tell you that would make you feel better and make the pain of the breakup go away. Breakups just suck and they take time to get over. Allow yourself the time to process this and work through it. But your recovery is not going to involve communicating with her.

I think yes - it's probably even just an apology, or a reason as to how they switched on me, literally overnight. I know that none of that is going to come, and I think that's just the hard part, accepting it. I know that the person would just blame me, or be rude to me again, if we were to try and talk about it. I don't need that extra layer of pain or self-blame, tbh.

I keep repeating to myself that the person who caused pain can never be the one to fix it. So you're right, recovery can't come from contact. I think contact would make things a lot worse, actually. There's never going to be any remorse or apology from that person, and that's tough. But, hey.

May 16, 2020

6 hours ago, homecoming said:

I think yes - it's probably even just an apology, or a reason as to how they switched on me, literally overnight. I know that none of that is going to come, and I think that's just the hard part, accepting it. I know that the person would just blame me, or be rude to me again, if we were to try and talk about it. I don't need that extra layer of pain or self-blame, tbh.

I keep repeating to myself that the person who caused pain can never be the one to fix it. So you're right, recovery can't come from contact. I think contact would make things a lot worse, actually. There's never going to be any remorse or apology from that person, and that's tough. But, hey.

Although I don't think it's nice to ghost, men do it for different reasons. Truth is, he doesn't want to be with you so he can't give you any closure. I know a lot more now then I did when I was ghosted, and I'm over it enough now to know that it is for the best. As human beings, we all want the same romantic relationships and he will find it too. You are best off working through it, moving on and leaving him be now.

May 16, 2020

7 hours ago, homecoming said:

I think yes - it's probably even just an apology, or a reason as to how they switched on me, literally overnight. I know that none of that is going to come, and I think that's just the hard part, accepting it. I know that the person would just blame me, or be rude to me again, if we were to try and talk about it. I don't need that extra layer of pain or self-blame, tbh.

I keep repeating to myself that the person who caused pain can never be the one to fix it. So you're right, recovery can't come from contact. I think contact would make things a lot worse, actually. There's never going to be any remorse or apology from that person, and that's tough. But, hey.

You also don't want remorse or an apology. You want the guy to come back and make you feel valued in a relationship where you are not valued. You can't get that.

May 17, 2020

13 hours ago, Realitysux said:

You also don't want remorse or an apology. You want the guy to come back and make you feel valued in a relationship where you are not valued. You can't get that.

That's probably true, yeah. They never truly valued me, anyway.

May 17, 2020

40 minutes ago, homecoming said:

That's probably true, yeah. They never truly valued me, anyway.

He did you a favor. He free'd you up for the next person. Just wish him well and leave it at that.

May 18, 2020

On 5/13/2020 at 6:15 PM, preraph said:

I'm sure it's upsetting to this person just as much as it is to you having to deal with you in the same vicinity in person

Certainly didn't look that way. They have become really well known on Instagram (back when I WAS looking at this person's account, I don't anymore because it's too upsetting) and have lots of famous people following them, now. Why would they need to be upset about me?

At one stage we went past each other in a corridor and this person just looked straight ahead, despite it being just us in the corridor. I really don't even know how I managed to compose myself because that was awful. It doesn't look anywhere that they've been upset.

I am just fed up of being in this situation all the time. No matter what I do or try, I seem to always be getting over someone. If only anyone knew how exhausting this is, I've even got a headache at the moment because I'm just so stressed about it. I've had enough.

May 18, 2020

My sister wants told me something that I have found to be true. She said, When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop.

It is up to you to decide to let it go and move on. No one else can do it for you. It's something you just have to make up your mind to do and the tireder you get of feeling that way, the closer you'll be to just making yourself stop and realizing you should not give that power to someone else. Take it back. It's hurting no one but yourself.

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