Feeling like reaching out to an ex, even though there's never been any response

[homecoming]

I am really struggling.

My ex ended things very abruptly, in a very explosive way. Then offered friendship, and I tried, but ex just kept getting impatient and angry with me when I would send "too many" messages, and just in general had an angry tone with me all the time (which was how they'd often act when we were actually involved). That didn't make sense as I wasn't even the person who ended things, and I was the person that was 'hurt' with the thing that happened to cause the break up. They were also doing other things like ignoring me when I spoke to them in person, and being overly flirty and engaging with people they'd never even previously spoken to.

Anyway. We don't talk anymore. My ex just began to avoid and ignore me - even in person, when we were working together, but sometimes sort of staring at me almost remorsefully? In the past, ex had mentioned not wanting to be the person that hurt someone, and seemed to carry a lot of shame from past things they'd done/said to other people.

Anyway. We then had to work together for another six months and I found that really detrimental to my healing - I had to see this person every day, and they'd avoid me and ignore me, not even want to look at me. I felt completely invisible, and some times I feel like I'm still trying to get over THAT, and not even the actual break up.

I tried a few times to make contact; once, I was blocked for simply saying "hey, how are you?" - I then did try to email, stupidly - asking if we could talk, and why I'd been blocked. No response. I regret emailing, but at the time I was very hurt and I suppose I desired some form of 'closure'. 

There's never been any clarity as to why I was a) dumped and b) cut out of this person's life so ruthlessly.

I have been struggling recently again with the urge to reach out and to express how I am feeling because of all of this, but I did do that before and there was no response. A lot of time has elapsed now so I know that doing it at this stage wouldn't make me look good at all, and that my ex probably DEFINITELY doesn't care, anymore, and that it would just make me look like a stalker, etc. I get it.

I just don't know what to do. I try so hard every day to move past this. I have been to therapy, read countless books, been on countless forums, spoken to friends, tried hobbies, tried fitness... and sometimes I still just feel so heartbroken by this person's refusal to communicate with me, even just a simple word.

I just need some words of support I suppose, or reasons not to make contact, or anything. I don't know. I feel lost and out of hope that this will ever improve. Or maybe just someone to talk to, anything, I guess.

Edited May 13, 2020 by homecoming

[Realitysux]

I'm leaving work cause I feel so mind f***ed over an exact situation. 

[homecoming]

3 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I'm leaving work cause I feel so mind f***ed over an exact situation. 

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through it! Luckily the virus stopped me and ex having to see each other and we won't have to again. But yeah, I feel like I'm now healing from that, and not even the initial break up, lol.

[homecoming]

Also I wouldn't even truly want to reach out, because I do not want this person knowing that I am still feeling this way or thinking about them - pride is kicking in. But wow do I feel awful.

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, homecoming said:

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through it! Luckily the virus stopped me and ex having to see each other and we won't have to again. But yeah, I feel like I'm now healing from that, and not even the initial break up, lol.

Its for the best they don't reach out 

[homecoming]

1 minute ago, Realitysux said:

Its for the best they don't reach out 

I know

[Realitysux]

Its not sad. I would have given anything for straight silence 

[preraph]

It's more than obvious that your ex does not want you talking to them. So if you have any respect for them whatsoever, please don't even consider contacting or speaking with them again. Things should get easier now that you're not having to see each other. You are obviously not a match. this person is no longer interested in you and you are imagining any remorseful looks. I'm sure it's upsetting to this person just as much as it is to you having to deal with you in the same vicinity in person and that is what you were seeing. 

 

I think you can stop feeling so bad for yourself once you realize that this is never going to happen and that it shouldn't ever happen because this is not the person you hoped you would hit it off with and stay with. That person is still out there somewhere. The sooner you put this behind you, the sooner you will find them.

[homecoming]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's more than obvious that your ex does not want you talking to them. So if you have any respect for them whatsoever, please don't even consider contacting or speaking with them again. Things should get easier now that you're not having to see each other. You are obviously not a match. this person is no longer interested in you and you are imagining any remorseful looks. I'm sure it's upsetting to this person just as much as it is to you having to deal with you in the same vicinity in person and that is what you were seeing. 

 

I think you can stop feeling so bad for yourself once you realize that this is never going to happen and that it shouldn't ever happen because this is not the person you hoped you would hit it off with and stay with. That person is still out there somewhere. The sooner you put this behind you, the sooner you will find them.

I haven't tried to contact them for a while, and wouldn't - I know that these are my own feelings, and that they don't want me as a friend or otherwise. I wouldn't reach out, although I feel like sometimes I want to, if that makes sense. 

I understand your point, but at times it is hard to feel 'respect' for someone that did something to really hurt me (I'm not talking about the actual break up, but the thing that led to it) - I have, for the most part, been respectful of what this individual wanted, since I met them. It was very one sided throughout. There are times when I have felt like I needed respect from them, but never got it, but I know that's just how some things go.

Perhaps I did imagine the remorseful looks - but after knowing the person well, I knew what they looked like when they felt bad. I am aware though that I could have just been projecting. Perhaps they did find it upsetting, who knows. 

And I agree, this isn't the person, no. I had hoped it to be, but it isn't. After a few failed relationships I'm trying to work back up to feeling like there may be someone out there for me, but doesn't feel that way right now, lol.

[homecoming]

9 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Its not sad. I would have given anything for straight silence 

Wait, were you the person who's ex kept telling them about his new partner?

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Wait, were you the person who's ex kept telling them about his new partner?

No. That would be immature and petty .. my ex ignored me but contacted me other ways and I was mentally ill and blew it way out of proportion to the point I started to call the painters work to see if he was legit and how he got here. 

[Malin889]

How long has it been since you broke up? I'm guessing that the only thing that could help you is meeting someone new. However, because of the virus and people being stuck indoors, it's hard to meet someone new. Do you still work together? Do you still see this person on a regular basis? 

[Realitysux]

Anyways .. i am leaving work cause it's too much head f*** for me and I need to brush this off 

[preraph]

You have to have more dignity then to make that person reject you and keep telling you I don't want you. Once is enough. It's not negotiable. you just got to accept it and move on and not waste any more of your life on it.

[homecoming]

10 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

How long has it been since you broke up? I'm guessing that the only thing that could help you is meeting someone new. However, because of the virus and people being stuck indoors, it's hard to meet someone new. Do you still work together? Do you still see this person on a regular basis? 

It's been a year, but personally I just found it more difficult to move on because we were sharing that same space for a while, and that was really really difficult. I'm used to just going full NC with any ex, so that was new and hard to navigate. And also really because of other personal issues like having a string of failed relationships, other rejections, etc. Some of it is the actual break up, and some of it is my own mental health (depression/anxiety). 

We don't see each other any more no. I'd love to meet someone new, but I do think maybe I need to work on myself first. I dunno if just meeting someone new would really solve things because what if they ended it? I worry about how I'd feel at another rejection, tbh. I'm also a bit nervous because I was really really close to my ex. They were making out that they too had been hurt, and that they had 'finally' found someone they connected with, too - only to suddenly cut things off in a really strange way, and never speak to me again. So I think my trust is a bit damaged, tbh. I don't want to take those issues to someone else. 

[homecoming]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

You have to have more dignity then to make that person reject you and keep telling you I don't want you. Once is enough. It's not negotiable. you just got to accept it and move on and not waste any more of your life on it.

I agree. I wish that I had been stronger around that time, but none of it made sense and I was just seeking answers. If that were to happen right now, I would act a lot different. I was just upset and I admit that I should have walked away. In fact, the person never treated me that well, but I kept going back, and I know I shouldn't have. But I can't really keep turning to self-blame, as that doesn't really help me feel better. I'm trying to work out how to feel better, not to go over past mistakes.

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, homecoming said:

It's been a year, but personally I just found it more difficult to move on because we were sharing that same space for a while, and that was really really difficult. I'm used to just going full NC with any ex, so that was new and hard to navigate. And also really because of other personal issues like having a string of failed relationships, other rejections, etc. Some of it is the actual break up, and some of it is my own mental health (depression/anxiety). 

We don't see each other any more no. I'd love to meet someone new, but I do think maybe I need to work on myself first. I dunno if just meeting someone new would really solve things because what if they ended it? I worry about how I'd feel at another rejection, tbh. I'm also a bit nervous because I was really really close to my ex. They were making out that they too had been hurt, and that they had 'finally' found someone they connected with, too - only to suddenly cut things off in a really strange way, and never speak to me again. So I think my trust is a bit damaged, tbh. I don't want to take those issues to someone else. 

This is a nice post. I wouldn't worry about rejection as most rejection is straight forward. 

[Realitysux]

And if they finally found someone they connected with then stay clear and let them have it.. stay out of each other's lives 

[homecoming]

3 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

This is a nice post. I wouldn't worry about rejection as most rejection is straight forward. 

You're right. Having experienced other rejections, they hurt but most people just tell you why they don't want to continue, or you see it coming through slowed responses, less affection, arguments, etc.

[preraph]

6 minutes ago, homecoming said:

I agree. I wish that I had been stronger around that time, but none of it made sense and I was just seeking answers. If that were to happen right now, I would act a lot different. I was just upset and I admit that I should have walked away. In fact, the person never treated me that well, but I kept going back, and I know I shouldn't have. But I can't really keep turning to self-blame, as that doesn't really help me feel better. I'm trying to work out how to feel better, not to go over past mistakes.

You know it's not really a mistake when you just aren't the right match. It's just the way things are. From what you said about them not treating you well anyway, that's what you need to be working on with yourself and find out why that was acceptable and why you're still clinging to it or having the urge to. You want to fix that before your next relationship.

Edited May 13, 2020 by preraph

[homecoming]

Just now, Realitysux said:

And if they finally found someone they connected with then stay clear and let them have it.. stay out of each other's lives 

No, I meant that's what they kept saying to me, telling me that I was the person they finally found

[Realitysux]

Just now, preraph said:

You know it's not really a mistake when you just aren't the right match. It's just the way things are. From what you said about him not treating you well anyway, that's what you need to be working on with yourself and find out why that was acceptable and why you're still clinging to it or having the urge to. You want to fix that before your next relationship.

You weren't his connection. That doesn't sound like a connection at all. 

[homecoming]

Just now, preraph said:

You know it's not really a mistake when you just aren't the right match. It's just the way things are. From what you said about him not treating you well anyway, that's what you need to be working on with yourself and find out why that was acceptable and why you're still clinging to it or having the urge to. You want to fix that before your next relationship.

True, I hear you. Yes, I had a real lack of boundaries back then, and ignored many red flags - those are the things I'm really working on, tbh. And yes, working on why I would even want that person in my life again, anyway. It's a shame there's no way to kind of practice being with someone else without really doing it, lol. Like a kind of relationship driving test - lol probably doesn't even make sense

[homecoming]

Just now, Realitysux said:

You weren't his connection. That doesn't sound like a connection at all. 

I'm realising that now. Maybe some people just say things in the heat of the moment, I dunno

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

You know it's not really a mistake when you just aren't the right match. It's just the way things are. From what you said about him not treating you well anyway, that's what you need to be working on with yourself and find out why that was acceptable and why you're still clinging to it or having the urge to. You want to fix that before your next relationship.

For me it was the real people involved. The women and the dance crap that threw me off and made on a vicious rampage to end it. I really need my sanity back now.