ExpatInItaly Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 On 5/12/2020 at 6:50 PM, soulseek said: For the first month, there was constant stories about what they did together, sharing memberships, travelling etc. I felt this was in excess, but he said he did this so that the mention of her was 'normal'. Following this, he had plans to go see her at her house, which made me feel uncomfortable. He did not go, but it started to create tensions between us in our relationship. I said i needed time to build our relationship 'foundation' before feeling comfortable with this situation. This is your cue that he's not fully let go of her. Being friends with an ex is one thing. Bringing up that ex all the time to a new love interest? That's another ball game altogether. 2
simpycurious Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is your cue that he's not fully let go of her. Being friends with an ex is one thing. Bringing up that ex all the time to a new love interest? That's another ball game altogether. Not sure how bringing one's ex into social scenarios or conversations is appropriate. It seems a bit "sketch" to me to be candid. I think perhaps a very direct conversation is past due. Remember that ENDINGS are suppose to LEAD TO NEW BEGINNINGS. It is not always easy to TRULY LET GO. 3
Realitysux Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 2 hours ago, simpycurious said: Not sure how bringing one's ex into social scenarios or conversations is appropriate. It seems a bit "sketch" to me to be candid. I think perhaps a very direct conversation is past due. Remember that ENDINGS are suppose to LEAD TO NEW BEGINNINGS. It is not always easy to TRULY LET GO. When you let go, don't you think the other person should too!
Malin889 Posted May 14, 2020 Posted May 14, 2020 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is your cue that he's not fully let go of her. Being friends with an ex is one thing. Bringing up that ex all the time to a new love interest? That's another ball game altogether. Agree. Right when you said in that first sentence that he told you they were good friends, I wondered, why is he telling you this? I can't imagine a new guy ever telling me that, at least straight away. I just feel like if a guy wants to impress you and make you feel secure, he shouldn't be bringing up an ex! You definitely need to tell him you are uncomfortable with this if you want to continue to date him. If you don't say anything, you'll always worry.
Butterflying Posted May 16, 2020 Posted May 16, 2020 Your relationship is doomed romantically because as so many others have said, this man is not over his ex. It is possible to be friends with ex’s in rare circumstances, like when children are involved. But in a case like yours, this man & his ex are too involved. He’s showing no respect for a relationship with you. After 3 months, it’s hardly serious. From past experience, I’ve had my heart broken multiple times by men in these exact situations (friends with ex’s). Strangely, none of these men remained friends with me after we broke up. Even though I tried. The excuse was always “I love you too much to witness your happiness with anyone else.” They tried to convince me they never truly loved the other women. That’s why friendships are possible. I promised myself to never get seriously involved with a man who is friends with an ex. Especially if he talks about her all the time & insists that I accept her role in his life. If this happens, I will say, “Well since you’re obviously a great friend, you and I can be friends too!” 2
LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 16, 2020 Posted May 16, 2020 Is this not a case of trust more than anything else? I have an ex that I split up with about 8 years ago. She was a big part of my life, and continues to be so. We obviously didn't speak for a while, but always stayed in touch via Facebook, text etc. She moved to Singapore about 4 years ago to be with her new man, and we have continued to talk regularly every couple of weeks or so. My partner (hopefully soon to be fiancé) of two and a bit years is fine with this. I am also fine with her meeting up with her ex boyfriends / contacting them because you know what, I trust her. I figure if she is going to cheat or do something shady, she is going to do it anyway, so forbidding her seeing people isn't going to help. This is what split myself and my last girlfriend up - she couldn't accept that I still contacted my ex ex (the one before her), and it cause a lot of mistrust, amongst a lot of other things of course. She had been cheated on a lot in previous relationships and I guess that fed into it all. I actually love having my ex ex in my life - we didn't work romantically, but we really get each other from a mental connection point of view. It helps us both I think to have someone who just gets you as well - you don't need to explain stuff, and I do vent to her about work, relationships etc. Before she moved abroad, I would go have beers with her, joke around that the guy opposite was her type and she should go chat to him etc. We have ended up being probably closer now than we were when we were going out, but I don't feel any urge to jump in her pants, and I can only assume the feeling is mutual - think she is planning children etc with her bloke of 4 years now. I actually would love her to come to my wedding in the not too distant future. Anyway, bit of a ramble. I think when you are newly seeing someone then there is not going to be that level of trust, so maybe I am talking from a viewpoint of 2.5 years into a relationship with my girl as opposed to 2.5 months. I would however say the biggest issue in relationships of any kind is trust. Most people in their mid twenties and above are going to have baggage. They are going to have stories about travelling with an ex, or doing this and that. Jeez, I remember my lady telling me she made a porno with her ex! It was a bit of a gut punch, but you know what, it's in the past, and I have had my share of sexual experience - good, bad and ugly. End of the day, listen to your gut. You either think this person is being honest and truthful with you or you don't. I have never been wrong listening to the nagging feeling in my stomach, and if you are getting that then listen to it. Otherwise, you know what, most of us have ex's, and some of us genuinely as in my case can be very good friends and nothing else with them.
kendahke Posted May 16, 2020 Posted May 16, 2020 6 minutes ago, LifeBeginsAt40 said: Is this not a case of trust more than anything else? Quote When we started our relationship, there were many mentions of his recent ex. This was because when they broke up, he wanted her in his life, but couldn't continue to date her due to communication issues. For the first month, there was constant stories about what they did together, sharing memberships, travelling etc. Following this, he had plans to go see her at her house, which made me feel uncomfortable. He did not go, but it started to create tensions between us in our relationship. He talks to her a few times a week. Does him being trustworthy really mean anything when he is constantly reaching out to his ex and sharing intimate emotional space into which OP is not invited or allowed to be? I'm failing to see how having the consideration of an ex placed in front of consideration for OP and her feelings is a good thing just because he's physically not in the ex's location and therefore cannot have sex with her, but emotionally and intimately, he's all up in it. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs because of the sense of intimate betrayal. 1
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