Friends with his ex

May 12, 2020

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now. When we started our relationship, there were many mentions of his recent ex. This was because when they broke up, he wanted her in his life, but couldn't continue to date her due to communication issues. Apparently she struggled with this a bit: the thought of him moving on, hearing about his dates etc. However, she recently found herself in a relationship. For the first month, there was constant stories about what they did together, sharing memberships, travelling etc. I felt this was in excess, but he said he did this so that the mention of her was 'normal'. Following this, he had plans to go see her at her house, which made me feel uncomfortable. He did not go, but it started to create tensions between us in our relationship. I said i needed time to build our relationship 'foundation' before feeling comfortable with this situation.

He doesn't have many friends, and considers her one of very few that actually care about him and his life. He talks to her a few times a week. He says that exes or female tend to have more interest in his life, rely on him to help them through things. I have never been in a situation where a boyfriend is friends with an ex, especially not to this amount.

His birthday is soon, and i have yet to meet his friends. He is planning a night where a small group of 10 get together. I am waiting for the discussion he is going to bring up: I want to invite her. I want to be objective here, but I know that being surrounded by a bunch of people is already a bit of a challenge for me. I am shy, introverted person. I don't really have any interest in meeting his ex. She is really close with all of his friends. I don't know how to move forward with this...

May 12, 2020

The only way to get through this is to challenge yourself and put yourself in social situations. Tell your BF you are feeling a little insecure and hope he can be supportive if you get a little anxious, like give him a tug to let him know you need his arm around you.

next ask him about who everyone is and a little about them so you can go up to them and say...oh I have hear you do _____ for a living, etc.

Edited May 12, 2020 by smackie9

May 12, 2020

I think it's pretty obvious he's not over her, OP.

He's been trying pretty hard to keep her around and I don't believe it's only for platonic reasons. Sorry, girl.

May 12, 2020

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it's pretty obvious he's not over her, OP.

He's been trying pretty hard to keep her around and I don't believe it's only for platonic reasons. Sorry, girl.

He broke up with her and just never felt that they could ever have a functioning relationship due to various issues. He explained that she is a great person, and it would feel like a waste of a friendship if he chose to never speak to her. I believe there is some underlying personal issues -- his friends don't really make him a priority and feels that females engage in conversation.

He would share messages if i asked. His intentions are not to cheat. He wanted me to meet her. But i don't have any interest. I am now faced with a possibility of being in the same room as her and 9 other individuals i don't know.

I can't say don't be friends with her. I can't not be at his birthday.. but i know that this will make for a night that is hard to enjoy.

Just looking for solutions.. things to say to get him to understand ...

May 12, 2020

Unless they share children there is no reason for him to be in contact so closely. This is one situation where I think an ultimatum is in order: either you come to his birthday or she does but you aren't coming & the 2 of you are done if he picks her. He will pick her but that is no great loss on your part because he never really wanted to break up with her anyway. You are a placeholder until he gets her back.

May 12, 2020

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Unless they share children there is no reason for him to be in contact so closely. This is one situation where I think an ultimatum is in order: either you come to his birthday or she does but you aren't coming & the 2 of you are done if he picks her. He will pick her but that is no great loss on your part because he never really wanted to break up with her anyway. You are a placeholder until he gets her back.

But what if he doesn't want her back? He has been very open about the situation. He was willing to share messages. Wants me to meet her. When we first started dating, that was one of the first things he told me. He is friends with his ex. I didn't understand to what extent.

May 12, 2020

he still wants her to be an important part of his life at a period of time close after the break up when it is impossible to be "just friends." There has been no introspection. There has been no passage of time. He may say he doesn't want her back but that is a face saving lie to protect his ego. He wants her in his life more then he cares about how you feel.

You need to think about why you are OK being second fiddle. I wouldn't tolerate it.

My last experience with this I went on 2 dates with a guy. I had reservations about his EX on the 1st date. Midway through the 2nd date, it was so clear that he wasn't over her I walked. There was no sense getting invested.

May 12, 2020

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

he still wants her to be an important part of his life at a period of time close after the break up when it is impossible to be "just friends." There has been no introspection. There has been no passage of time. He may say he doesn't want her back but that is a face saving lie to protect his ego. He wants her in his life more then he cares about how you feel.

You need to think about why you are OK being second fiddle. I wouldn't tolerate it.

My last experience with this I went on 2 dates with a guy. I had reservations about his EX on the 1st date. Midway through the 2nd date, it was so clear that he wasn't over her I walked. There was no sense getting invested.

Does it change if i add that they dated two years ago? He said they spent their first year long distance and their second year together fighting. He said it wasn't a positive relationship. But as friends, he said they can at least communicate and have a friendship. Prior to me, he said he was seeing her about once a month.

He asked if he could go visit her on his way home from a job. I said i didn't feel comfortable -- he didn't go. I mentioned that him hanging out with her was weird, and maybe we could work out something in the future. He said that she wanted to meet me, and we could set up a double date..

With this information i have given you, does it change anything? What am i suppose to say to get him to understand? Telling someone they can't be friends with another individual.. is that not controlling someone.. I just don't know what to do.

Edited May 12, 2020 by soulseek

May 12, 2020

I think you’re his rebound, OP.

Even though they broke up a while ago, I don’t think he’s truly let go of her the way an ex should.

Edited May 12, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

May 12, 2020

He may not be over her, as others have said. In fact, it's most likely that he is not. But while that should have prevented you from getting to 3 months, it didn't. So now you find yourself where you are now. You have to balance keeping the relationship, which I presume you like, versus understanding that things might get "worse" in that he could fall back into a relationship with her. If you feel that is not the case and you want to keep the relationship, you have one option: Meet her. Sure, it will be awkward especially with all the others around. But the only way you remove the energy from the past relationship is to imbue your current relationship with energy. If he has to separate you and his ex into fragmented parts of his life, you will never be the one to whom he gives his full relationship energy to.

You could give him an ultimatum, but that is a type of coercion. If you feel the need to use coercion, then honestly the relationship is likely over already. So decide...do you want to keep the relationship? Then meet her, befriend her (you don't have to be besties), and show your BF, his ex, and yourself that she does not represent a power over anything you and your BF decide to build.

May 12, 2020

Maybe a little. It would still be too close for comfort for me. Especially if you are the 1st person he dated after her. . .

I suppose applying the Art of War -- keep your friends close, but your enemies closer -- may apply here. It's a good sign that she wants to meet you. She may have her boundaries clear but I still don't think he does.

The 1st year we were married my husband went on a 6 week business trip with other people from his company all over the world. It was only about 4-5 hours from our house in a fun city so I'd meet him on the weekends. About mid-way through he wanted me to meet his colleagues & he set up a Friday happy hour. That day turned into a nightmare for me, culminating in horrible traffic causing me to be 2+ hours late. So we were both in a bad mood when I got there. Him being mad at me just it worse. After dinner we find his new work friends & meet up with them. They were hot 20 somethings. DH was clearly enamored & I was livid. Fortunately the one he liked the most was quite savvy & immediately knew the score. Bless her, she went out of her way to make me understand that she was no threat but DH didn't get it. It worked out in the end but in a BF / GF situation I wouldn't have stuck around to get through it.

My point is when you meet her, you may have a better sense of where your BF's head is at. You may not like how he behaves around her. But at that point you will have more info.

May 12, 2020

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Maybe a little. It would still be too close for comfort for me. Especially if you are the 1st person he dated after her. . .

I suppose applying the Art of War -- keep your friends close, but your enemies closer -- may apply here. It's a good sign that she wants to meet you. She may have her boundaries clear but I still don't think he does.

The 1st year we were married my husband went on a 6 week business trip with other people from his company all over the world. It was only about 4-5 hours from our house in a fun city so I'd meet him on the weekends. About mid-way through he wanted me to meet his colleagues & he set up a Friday happy hour. That day turned into a nightmare for me, culminating in horrible traffic causing me to be 2+ hours late. So we were both in a bad mood when I got there. Him being mad at me just it worse. After dinner we find his new work friends & meet up with them. They were hot 20 somethings. DH was clearly enamored & I was livid. Fortunately the one he liked the most was quite savvy & immediately knew the score. Bless her, she went out of her way to make me understand that she was no threat but DH didn't get it. It worked out in the end but in a BF / GF situation I wouldn't have stuck around to get through it.

My point is when you meet her, you may have a better sense of where your BF's head is at. You may not like how he behaves around her. But at that point you will have more info.

Thank you for sharing. I am just wondering how one would go about enforcing boundaries or getting him to understand that his need to have her so close is not healthy? I have not been able to get him to understand because he sees being friends with girls, guys and exes to be all the same. He had a girlfriend in the past ask him not to be friends with a girl (no romantic interest.) He removed this friend, and regretted it after the relationship was over..

I think there is a fear to end the friendship ..because he promised her a friendship. She wasn't on board, and finally came around to it after she forced herself to date others.

I just need more distance but i can't get him to understand.

May 12, 2020

You don't. He will never understand. To him it's OK.

You have to decide if you are willing to put up with it or if you want to walk away.

May 12, 2020

I think telling him that he "can't" be friends with her would be the wrong move. It would come off as very immature and controlling. Giving him an ultimatum, telling him that either you or her come to his birthday party, would also come off as very controlling and ridiculous. Don't be like that.

You are choosing to get involved with a guy who happens to still be friends with his ex. People remain friends with their exes sometimes. It's not unheard of. YOU are going to have to decide whether you are comfortable with this and whether you want to put up with it. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't date him. Maybe give him more time to get over her or something. But don't be the controlling girlfriend who tells him who he can and can't be friends with. If you can't trust him, then you shouldn't be with him.

May 12, 2020

3 hours ago, soulseek said:

He broke up with her and just never felt that they could ever have a functioning relationship due to various issues. He explained that she is a great person, and it would feel like a waste of a friendship if he chose to never speak to her. I believe there is some underlying personal issues -- his friends don't really make him a priority and feels that females engage in conversation.

He would share messages if i asked. His intentions are not to cheat. He wanted me to meet her. But i don't have any interest. I am now faced with a possibility of being in the same room as her and 9 other individuals i don't know.

I can't say don't be friends with her. I can't not be at his birthday.. but i know that this will make for a night that is hard to enjoy.

Just looking for solutions.. things to say to get him to understand ...

Men and women can be just friends

some May have common interests but they find in their personal life in a relationship they clash or they are very different style like one is a neat freak and other is messy , one sleeps in snd the other gets up at dawn. And as he said they seemed to have different communication styles which strains a relationship but works fine as just friends.

as he also said it appears they are part of a larger group of friends where they met because they were part of the same social groups.

May 12, 2020

It's one thing staying friends with an ex, but it's another being in frequent communication and acting like besties. You say she's dating someone new, so keep in mind that her new BF will probably be at this birthday gathering too, and he may feel just as uncomfortable with it as you do. Best action in this scenario is just go along with it and see how he behaves. If he's fawning all over her or if he's cool towards her date, be wary. He's either just a very friendly and caring guy who doesn't like to lose friends, or he's hoping she'll come back, and how he acts at this birthday do will tell you. You may even find you and she get along well and actually like each other. I'm friends with a few exes, but none of them are so important to me that I'd jeopardise a relationship by hanging out with them and expecting my BF to be cool with it.

May 12, 2020

4 hours ago, soulseek said:

But what if he doesn't want her back? He has been very open about the situation. He was willing to share messages. Wants me to meet her. When we first started dating, that was one of the first things he told me. He is friends with his ex. I didn't understand to what extent.

If a man wants you to meet his ex, it means he cares about her opinion. Or she's important enough to be in the loop regarding his new relationships. Either way, not a good sign. Your responses to other posters are all justifications on his behalf.

I'm sorry girl. Sometimes it's not in the cards. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy him casually though! Keep your heart guarded, but otherwise enjoy the company. You might meet a great guy socializing in his circles!

May 12, 2020

I think you should do whatever is comfortable for you. For me, I’m with d0nnavain, I have a personal rule to never get romantically involved with a man who still remains in close contact with an EX. Just my own personal thing.

From experience I’ve learned it’s one big headache and there is always a reason he still wishes to remain in close contact, which doesn't bode well for our relationship.

But again, you’re the one dating him, not me. I don’t know how you go about enforcing boundaries while still dating him. Cause yes whatever you say will sound controlling.

I think this is one of those situations that you either accept or you don’t. If you are unable to accept their “friendship” as is, then graciously wish him well and walk away, which is what I would do.

$.02

Edited May 12, 2020 by poppyfields

May 12, 2020

4 hours ago, soulseek said:

Does it change if i add that they dated two years ago? He said they spent their first year long distance and their second year together fighting. He said it wasn't a positive relationship. But as friends, he said they can at least communicate and have a friendship. Prior to me, he said he was seeing her about once a month.

He asked if he could go visit her on his way home from a job. I said i didn't feel comfortable -- he didn't go. I mentioned that him hanging out with her was weird, and maybe we could work out something in the future. He said that she wanted to meet me, and we could set up a double date..

With this information i have given you, does it change anything? What am i suppose to say to get him to understand? Telling someone they can't be friends with another individual.. is that not controlling someone.. I just don't know what to do.

It's not easy for some to NOT REMEMBER how they WERE with someone that was once so special to them. You remember the innocent laughter, the smiles that you gave to one another, the glances combined with eye contact, and of course the times you shared. Memories are not always easy to simply cast aside. Sometimes these memories seemingly last a lifetime.

May 13, 2020

5 hours ago, soulseek said:

But what if he doesn't want her back? He has been very open about the situation. He was willing to share messages. Wants me to meet her. When we first started dating, that was one of the first things he told me. He is friends with his ex. I didn't understand to what extent.

I'm fabulous friends with my ex-husband. Our break up sounds similar to your BFs.. It is something I am open and honest about at the very beginning. I also insist on my person meeting him because a lot of anxiety and dislike stems from not knowing the dynamic or the person. Some stayed and didn't. I think it is a huge mark of maturity to be able to not only not block that person like they never existed but to be civil and even friendly. That being said this is only my situation and I know I'm solid in my platonic feelings towards my ex. I know that is not the case with.. dare I say the majority of people who still speak to their old BF/GFs so it is important to be aware. His willingness to be honest and upfront gets points in my books though. He's trying to mitigate your feelings and his at the same time and that's more than a lot of people would do.

May 13, 2020

It's certainly okay to be friends with an ex - even very close friends - as long as there are clear boundaries and good reasons why the relationship ended and doesn't have any reason to resume. While I'm not friends with my ex-wife, I am very close to some former gf's and friends with no more benefits (aka friends). If he wants her back, it's a problem, otherwise, it doesn't have to be. My wife is fine with this, and I'm fine with her being friends with some of her exes, too. It depends on the boundaries in place - and trust, of course.

Edited May 13, 2020 by central

May 13, 2020

You sound like a rebound. He's not over this woman, obviously, and may be using you to soften the blow or distract or show her that women can and do still find him attractive. If I were you I'd keep my distance from the former gf.

I only have one former bf that I am still friends with, we've been broken up for 21 years now. He married his now 2nd wife on a rebound after me (they're now divorced), and he's now married to his 3rd wife. It was hard getting over the fact that he dumped me for this other woman who he married about 2 years after he and I broke up, but I had to do a lot of work and tell myself "We're going to still see each other and be friends" more than once. And we are still. But that's the exception. We're both fairly odd, we fully admit, and I still love him and he still loves me, but it's different now. There are one or two others that I was with for a bit who I will talk to once or twice a year, otherwise the saying is true "Can't be lovers, can't be friends." Fact.

May 13, 2020

On 5/12/2020 at 12:50 PM, soulseek said:

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now.

This is the exact time when the "on their best behavior" representatives you've both been dealing with have been dismissed and now, the "real him/real you" are coming to the fore. It's also the time when weak-foundation relationships fail.

On 5/12/2020 at 12:50 PM, soulseek said:

He doesn't have many friends, and considers her one of very few that actually care about him and his life. He talks to her a few times a week. He says that exes or female tend to have more interest in his life, rely on him to help them through things. I have never been in a situation where a boyfriend is friends with an ex, especially not to this amount.

This is you being put on notice by the "real him" that he's not going to be placing you in a priority position in his life. His ex has that and his female friends follow behind with you as a distance 6th or 7th. If you stick around, you're going to have to be down with this because this is how he conducts his life. If you can't abide it, then now is the time to bounce.

May 13, 2020

22 hours ago, soulseek said:

He broke up with her and just never felt that they could ever have a functioning relationship due to various issues.

that's what he said, but what are his actions doing? He's keeping her on a short tether and letting you know that he is.

Whatever her issues are, they aren't enough to pop her out of her priority position.

May 13, 2020

21 hours ago, soulseek said:

Does it change if i add that they dated two years ago?

It makes it worse because he should be over that by now and be ready for a new woman to occupy the position of priority in his heart and mind.

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