I Need a New Identity Because I'm Becoming Too Awesome to Play the 'Sad Sack'

[Wave Rider]

I have a problem that I wasn't really expecting to have. 

For a long time, I tried to garner people's sympathies.  I presented myself as a kind of victim and hoped that people would feel sorry for me and treat me as a kind of charity case.  I acted nonthreatening, friendly, and maybe even a little goofy, making jokes about how funny it was that I was still single and how my apartment was messy and all that, and I complained about how unfair life was, hoping that I could present myself in a way where people wouldn't take me too seriously and wouldn't expect much from me. 

Well, some things are coming together for me a little better. I'll be finishing a PhD in physics in about a month, and I just finished a private pilot license (I fly airplanes).  I have a lot of pretty awesome stuff going in my life, enough of it to where this victim-y, nonthreatening, don't-take-me-too-seriously character I've developed for myself isn't going to work for me anymore.  I have too many credentials to sit around and complain that life is unfair, and I have too many cool talents to sit in my room eating donuts and playing video games, being angry that society doesn't understand or appreciate me.  I just can't do that anymore.  

I don't really know how to form a new identity.  Based on my credentials and my talents, I can certainly be someone who others look to for authority and leadership.  People can take me seriously (so to speak) and people can look to me with a sense of expectation and responsibility.  But I don't know how to be that person.  I don't know how to take the great stuff in my life and weave it together into an identity that people can respect and get on board with.  

I'm looking for advice on how to step out of this nonthreatening graduate student college kid victim role, and take my talents and accomplishments and weave a life where people will respect me and look to me for leadership and responsibility.  

[basil67]

Congratulations on all your achievements. And good on you for looking at a fresh start.

My self improvement comes from looking at people I know and looking at their positive traits.  For example, one friend always tries to find positives in others.  Another friend has no regrets - they view it all as a learning experience.   Another friend is really good at remembering what's going on for us and asking how things are going.  Another friends says "don't worry about X,  it may never happen"   So I look at these snippets and try to incorporate them into being a better person.  I'm a loooong way from perfect, but just making an effort is a great start.

If you're looking specifically at academia, look at those you respect (and who are broadly respected) and see what traits they have which make them great leaders, etc.

[preraph]

Just concentrate on being more honest with people and representing who you are now instead of who you were then, and you will grow into your new identity.

[Ellener]

You'll re-invent yourself many times in life I expect. Congratulations and good luck!

Be fun, be kind 😃

[Wave Rider]

I think that a good way to think of this is that I can use this new identity to share with other people, like taking friends flying.  Rather than posting pictures of my awesome life on facebook hoping that people will give me likes, respect, social status, and popularity, I can take people flying or surfing or whatever in the hope of making more connections.  I think that's a good start.  

[d0nnivain]

Congratulations on the degree & the license. 

You won't become authoritative or a leader on line. 

You command respect in the way you carry yourself, especially at work.  Dress like an adult not a kid.  Own a sports jacket.  Wear shirts with collars.  Wear shoes not sneakers or flip flops. 

Speak in short declarative sentences.  Look people in the eye when you talk to them.  Stand tall with square shoulders.  Listen more then you speak.  Post less on social media. 

Learn to cook.  Have real furniture & art, not posters, futons, a mattress on the floor etc.  Eat off plates not paper.  Have glasses not plastic wear with logos.  

When you project confidence & adulthood, people will treat you accordingly.

[Poutrew]

On 5/17/2020 at 1:58 PM, Wave Rider said:

I think that a good way to think of this is that I can use this new identity to share with other people, like taking friends flying.  Rather than posting pictures of my awesome life on facebook hoping that people will give me likes, respect, social status, and popularity, I can take people flying or surfing or whatever in the hope of making more connections.  I think that's a good start.  

Just make sure you have a well balanced attitude. For example, if all your friends get out of your new attitude is that you can take them places, and are good for an airplane ride, you'll eventually be know as The Chauffer. I knew a cat like that many years ago. He was a guitarist in a local band. He would always have a girl or three hanging around... but it was mostly because he could play the guitar and get them in free at the local nightclub where he was playing... don't be that guy.