FWB - but wanted More!

[Jess04]

I don't know where to start so i will tell you a bit about my situation. 

I met this guy March 2019 (he is besty with my sisters bf) for the past year we have pretty much been talking everyday and i would spend my free time with him during the week i dont have my daughters. (i alternate weeks with baby daddy). We have been talking/texting everyday for the past year and i would spend the night over his place at least 3-4 times a week. i have not been seeing anyone else during this time. over time i started getting close with him, got to know him and started to develop feelings for him.  He knows about my past with my ex (i was married for 10 years and have 3 kids) which did not end well. He has been there for me when i need someone to talk to and for holidays and bdays we gift each other stuff. its like we would act like a couple but we were not together. His reason for not wanting to be in a relationship was that he was working on himself and focusing on him for the first time in forever (which i understood and supported) he was in a previous relationship where he says he was burned (4 years and living together) also did not end well. I told him i am not here to rush him that i completely understand what he is trying to accomplish in life (i have been there). I see the good and have always wanted the best for him.

There is a down side.  His personality - i am good at reading people and i have noticed and experienced patterns with him. He has a temper like a ticking bomb. there have been times when he would ghost me for a few days without saying a word. when i would confront him about it he would say nasty things to me. once he said "leave me alone, or i will come find you slit your throat and piss down that SH***" he then told me that he was going through things and wanted to be left alone. he came around a few days later and we were ok for a few more months. another accident happened where i misplaced his parking pass, he then ghosted me for about a week but before that he said more nasty things "your an F***ing liar, F*** You and go to hell" there were other things he said. he would also tell me that he has only been a good friend and that once i start seeing other people i will see how everyone will be fake and humiliate me just like my baby daddy did. I was ghosted a few weeks later again (dont remember why) --- for VDay he gave me a necklace/earring set from Kay jewelers and a few days later he said he could not see me physically anymore because he did not want to have an emotional attachment with me. he only wanted to be friends and i could still come over but nothing physical. he said he could not focus on himself while seeing me physically and being to close with me.

During this pandemic i have not been seeing him as much, he claimed to not be feeling too good. he would in fact ask me for favors, a few times he asked me if i could get him groceries and he would pay me for it (which i did, and he gave me a portion of the money) another time he asked me again but this time he also asked if i could make him spaghetti so he can have food for the week (which i also did, because i want him to know that i am there for him) i have been getting him food/medicine whatever he needed since he wasnt feeling too well and didnt want to leave the house. he does live about 40min from me.   

2 days ago i texted him because i havent really been hearing from him like i normally do. he said he has been busy and working on himself, i told him it doesnt take long to just send a text and that people work on themselves everyday me included) and it doesnt mean we just stop talking to people. I have not been myself lately (i can be emotional) i also said that it felt like i only hear from him when he needs/wants something and that i have just been that dumb girl that goes running to his every need.

last night he went off and sent me along text saying "i have not used you for anything i promise you that much. i truly appreciate everything you have done for me but this is the last time you will ever hear from me. if you pull up on me or see me anywhere i will trash you worst than your baby daddy and his baby momma have done. i have been a true friend to you and you will see that when you start Whor*** again if you havent been this whole time. you will see how fake all these guys are out here. goodbye woman who is still attached to an ex by last name who has humiliated, disrespected and trashed you and still does to this day" 

I have known that he is not good for me from the first time he ghosted me and said nasty things. but i stayed around, every time he would down talk me he would then come around and have an excuse for why he did it. i still stuck around - i dont understand why i cant just let this go, the smart side of my mind has been telling me to run but the side that has an emotional attachment to him is making me feel soo sad and worthless. i have been through alot since my marriage ended and have grown soo much. i am in place where i have my life together (mostly) just got a new place take care of my kids on my own and pay for everything. I dont know why im stuck on this person that has not been very nice to me. its like he chips at my self esteem, thats something ive worked soo hard on and i wont let anyone bring me down again. i cant help but feel like the walls around me are starting to crack - sucks i dont have the gym to release right now and im not at the office which would usually help me balance everything out. he has said these things to me before which is the sad part.

i feel unlucky with love life, like there isnt someone out there for me. i really hope i dont hear from this guy again this time. he usually comes around and apologizes in his own way. just wanted to get peoples input on this. Please Help ME!

[Malin889]

2 hours ago, Jess04 said:

I don't know where to start so i will tell you a bit about my situation. 

There is a down side.  His personality - i am good at reading people and i have noticed and experienced patterns with him. He has a temper like a ticking bomb. there have been times when he would ghost me for a few days without saying a word. when i would confront him about it he would say nasty things to me. once he said "leave me alone, or i will come find you slit your throat and piss down that SH***" he then told me that he was going through things and wanted to be left alone. he came around a few days later and we were ok for a few more months. another accident happened where i misplaced his parking pass, he then ghosted me for about a week but before that he said more nasty things "your an F***ing liar, F*** You and go to hell" there were other things he said. he would also tell me that he has only been a good friend and that once i start seeing other people i will see how everyone will be fake and humiliate me just like my baby daddy did. I was ghosted a few weeks later again (dont remember why) --- for VDay he gave me a necklace/earring set from Kay jewelers and a few days later he said he could not see me physically anymore because he did not want to have an emotional attachment with me. he only wanted to be friends and i could still come over but nothing physical. he said he could not focus on himself while seeing me physically and being to close with me.

During this pandemic i have not been seeing him as much, he claimed to not be feeling too good. he would in fact ask me for favors, a few times he asked me if i could get him groceries and he would pay me for it (which i did, and he gave me a portion of the money) another time he asked me again but this time he also asked if i could make him spaghetti so he can have food for the week (which i also did, because i want him to know that i am there for him) i have been getting him food/medicine whatever he needed since he wasnt feeling too well and didnt want to leave the house. he does live about 40min from me.   

2 days ago i texted him because i havent really been hearing from him like i normally do. he said he has been busy and working on himself, i told him it doesnt take long to just send a text and that people work on themselves everyday me included) and it doesnt mean we just stop talking to people. I have not been myself lately (i can be emotional) i also said that it felt like i only hear from him when he needs/wants something and that i have just been that dumb girl that goes running to his every need.

last night he went off and sent me along text saying "i have not used you for anything i promise you that much. i truly appreciate everything you have done for me but this is the last time you will ever hear from me. if you pull up on me or see me anywhere i will trash you worst than your baby daddy and his baby momma have done. i have been a true friend to you and you will see that when you start Whor*** again if you havent been this whole time. you will see how fake all these guys are out here. goodbye woman who is still attached to an ex by last name who has humiliated, disrespected and trashed you and still does to this day" 

i feel unlucky with love life, like there isnt someone out there for me. i really hope i dont hear from this guy again this time. he usually comes around and apologizes in his own way. just wanted to get peoples input on this. Please Help ME!

I'm sorry but what a bleeping bleep hole. You don't need this POS in your life. When you didn't hear from him, you shouldn't have reached out to him, you deserve better. The one bad side is that he's your sister's boyfriend's best friend? Yikes. Are your sister and her boyfriend serious? I just hope you won't have to run into him, see him at the wedding (if they get married), etc etc.  Just block him. He's an abusive toxic POS. But that's just one person's advice. Good luck. 

[ShyViolet]

You need to ask yourself why in the world you would associate with a guy who is verbally abusive to you and curses you out.  The first time it happened should have been it, you should have cut him out of your life right then and there.  Why on earth would you go back to him and stick around?  That is extremely dysfunctional behavior.  At the end of your post you said "I really hope I don't hear from this guy again".  AS if it's up to HIM whether you associate with him again, you think you have no control over it?  YOU need to make the decision not to talk to him again.  You have kids and you shouldn't be getting involved with crazy people like this.  You need to go to therapy and do some serious work on yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Jess04 said:

once he said "leave me alone, or i will come find you slit your throat and piss down that SH***" he then told me that he was going through things and wanted to be left alone. he came around a few days later and we were ok for a few more months. another accident happened where i misplaced his parking pass, he then ghosted me for about a week but before that he said more nasty things "your an F***ing liar, F*** You and go to hell"

Of all the things I've read on this forum, this just about takes the cake for one of the most disturbing posts I have ever seen here. 

Jess. What are you thinking? This dude doesn't just have bad temper - he is positively unglued. 

You need to stay away from him forever. Please, if you haven't already, look in to some therapy for yourself. It's extremely troubling that you stuck around after this, and tried to get him to love you. There is love out there for you, but you won't find it until you love yourself enough to develop some boundaries and kick deranged men out of you life. 

[Malin889]

Did you tell your sister and her boyfriend what he’s been saying to you? Aside from the huge fact he is extremely abusive and threatened you (which you could call the police about), it bothers me that your sister is dating his friend. I hope you told them what is going on. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

He sounds dangerous, not just obnoxious. Normal people don't threaten to p*ss down throats they've just slit because things have been a little tough lately. I'd be running. I mean you have kids.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You're a mother (with daughters)! What are you thinking involving yourself with that clown? You are putting yourself, and them, in extreme danger.

[preraph]

I don't know what made you that way, but you need help to even consider being with that horribly abusive man.  Seriously.  I am not kidding.  He's BAD.  If you love that, you need fixing.

[Gr8fuln2020]

If these types of men have been a pattern for you, it is not just them. You may need, or forget that, you should get counseling. You are not thinking rationally enough to allow such men (people) to remain in your life. Any form of verbal abuse like that is not acceptable and the person dishing it out will not change for you. Get out and get away. Block and do not respond to him again. Keep the police on the ready...

You sought FWB because you feel that you have no other way of having a relationship? May I just say that people who seek FWB relationships, by default, are not seeking a relationship based on respect, honesty, etc. I hear that some FWB relationships become more (long term), but suspect that is rare as hell. Why do you feel that there isn't anyone for you? Get counseling. 

[mortensorchid]

You want this guy around because you're lonely, think there's nothing else, and holding onto him until something better / else comes along.  I've been there as well.  When you have a long standing FWB situation, one of you is going to want more at some point.  And they other party isn't doing it, so ... It falls apart.  

[miranda561]

On 5/11/2020 at 7:02 PM, Jess04 said:

I don't know where to start so i will tell you a bit about my situation. 

I met this guy March 2019 (he is besty with my sisters bf) for the past year we have pretty much been talking everyday and i would spend my free time with him during the week i dont have my daughters. (i alternate weeks with baby daddy). We have been talking/texting everyday for the past year and i would spend the night over his place at least 3-4 times a week. i have not been seeing anyone else during this time. over time i started getting close with him, got to know him and started to develop feelings for him.  He knows about my past with my ex (i was married for 10 years and have 3 kids) which did not end well. He has been there for me when i need someone to talk to and for holidays and bdays we gift each other stuff. its like we would act like a couple but we were not together. His reason for not wanting to be in a relationship was that he was working on himself and focusing on him for the first time in forever (which i understood and supported) he was in a previous relationship where he says he was burned (4 years and living together) also did not end well. I told him i am not here to rush him that i completely understand what he is trying to accomplish in life (i have been there). I see the good and have always wanted the best for him.

There is a down side.  His personality - i am good at reading people and i have noticed and experienced patterns with him. He has a temper like a ticking bomb. there have been times when he would ghost me for a few days without saying a word. when i would confront him about it he would say nasty things to me. once he said "leave me alone, or i will come find you slit your throat and piss down that SH***" he then told me that he was going through things and wanted to be left alone. he came around a few days later and we were ok for a few more months. another accident happened where i misplaced his parking pass, he then ghosted me for about a week but before that he said more nasty things "your an F***ing liar, F*** You and go to hell" there were other things he said. he would also tell me that he has only been a good friend and that once i start seeing other people i will see how everyone will be fake and humiliate me just like my baby daddy did. I was ghosted a few weeks later again (dont remember why) --- for VDay he gave me a necklace/earring set from Kay jewelers and a few days later he said he could not see me physically anymore because he did not want to have an emotional attachment with me. he only wanted to be friends and i could still come over but nothing physical. he said he could not focus on himself while seeing me physically and being to close with me.

During this pandemic i have not been seeing him as much, he claimed to not be feeling too good. he would in fact ask me for favors, a few times he asked me if i could get him groceries and he would pay me for it (which i did, and he gave me a portion of the money) another time he asked me again but this time he also asked if i could make him spaghetti so he can have food for the week (which i also did, because i want him to know that i am there for him) i have been getting him food/medicine whatever he needed since he wasnt feeling too well and didnt want to leave the house. he does live about 40min from me.   

2 days ago i texted him because i havent really been hearing from him like i normally do. he said he has been busy and working on himself, i told him it doesnt take long to just send a text and that people work on themselves everyday me included) and it doesnt mean we just stop talking to people. I have not been myself lately (i can be emotional) i also said that it felt like i only hear from him when he needs/wants something and that i have just been that dumb girl that goes running to his every need.

last night he went off and sent me along text saying "i have not used you for anything i promise you that much. i truly appreciate everything you have done for me but this is the last time you will ever hear from me. if you pull up on me or see me anywhere i will trash you worst than your baby daddy and his baby momma have done. i have been a true friend to you and you will see that when you start Whor*** again if you havent been this whole time. you will see how fake all these guys are out here. goodbye woman who is still attached to an ex by last name who has humiliated, disrespected and trashed you and still does to this day" 

I have known that he is not good for me from the first time he ghosted me and said nasty things. but i stayed around, every time he would down talk me he would then come around and have an excuse for why he did it. i still stuck around - i dont understand why i cant just let this go, the smart side of my mind has been telling me to run but the side that has an emotional attachment to him is making me feel soo sad and worthless. i have been through alot since my marriage ended and have grown soo much. i am in place where i have my life together (mostly) just got a new place take care of my kids on my own and pay for everything. I dont know why im stuck on this person that has not been very nice to me. its like he chips at my self esteem, thats something ive worked soo hard on and i wont let anyone bring me down again. i cant help but feel like the walls around me are starting to crack - sucks i dont have the gym to release right now and im not at the office which would usually help me balance everything out. he has said these things to me before which is the sad part.

i feel unlucky with love life, like there isnt someone out there for me. i really hope i dont hear from this guy again this time. he usually comes around and apologizes in his own way. just wanted to get peoples input on this. Please Help ME!

Why would you even associate with someone who threatened to slit your throat. . Surely you can't be that lonely. 

And he ghosts you most of the time..and the rest of the time says he doesnt want to see you/be with you. 

From now on just ignore him. He probably feels he can control you and do and say whatever  the hell he wants since you lack any form of self respect and go running back to him

[smackie9]

OK you dump this guy because now you know better...but ask yourself... why did it take you over a year to figure it out? Set some boundaries for yourself....if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. Dump them immediately at the first sign, no second chances, or what ifs, or they might improve...no you kick them to the curb. You have daughters, you need to be a better role model for them. They need to see their mom show her self worth, and that having a man doesn't give you worth, you do. Be more confident, secure and strong...make better choices for yourself and in those who you let into your life. He was a piece of garbage...always keep your house clean.

Edited May 13, 2020 by smackie9