Is he just friends/friendly with his ex?

[Versacehottie]

For sure, you will make yourself crazy if you keep analyzing his posts.  BTW, that's some real emo sh*t so he's either really messed up about her & missing her or he is just tuned that way!!

The real question is do you want to be the bandaid?  Right now it seems like there is a high chance that you are just a distance second and a place to kill time.  Stop analyzing his posts but his in person behavior.  I would most likely say you should back off from him until he has his stuff together and CHOOSES to be with you, like really chooses with a clean slate.

[kendahke]

On 5/12/2020 at 1:15 AM, Emmafive said:

No, but isn’t that normal when you’re in the process of moving on-still have lingering feelings?

Yes, and that is why you don't, one month out of that, get with someone new and lead her on to believe that you were ready to move on.

You're basically his time marker because he can't be with her--and like I said above: indifference is the opposite of love.  He's nowhere near the universe of indifference.

He's checking her social media in front of you and not caring that he's doing it in front of you.  That means you don't rate as highly as you think/wish you do.  If he really cared about you, he wouldn't do something that, were the tables turned, he'd have a real problem with, unless he's a jerk.

Stop shredding your own heart--he's plainly showing you that he and her are not done and you're making excuses left and right to want what you want.

Edited May 13, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 5/11/2020 at 11:00 PM, Emmafive said:

Our mutual friend said that he looks at her Instagram and views her posts all the time, even though she doesn’t really view his.

your mutual friend only knows what each of them lets him/her know--meaning: he isn't glued to either of their sides, he doesn't know the complete story, isn't in on their phone conversations. Don't put too much weight in his reconnaissance.

Edited May 13, 2020 by kendahke

[zawadi16]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Yes, and that is why you don't, one month out of that, get with someone new and lead her on to believe that you were ready to move on.

You're basically his time marker because he can't be with her--and like I said above: indifference is the opposite of love.  He's nowhere near the universe of indifference.

He's checking her social media in front of you and not caring that he's doing it in front of you.  That means you don't rate as highly as you think/wish you do.  If he really cared about you, he wouldn't do something that, were the tables turned, he'd have a real problem with, unless he's a jerk.

Stop shredding your own heart--he's plainly showing you that he and her are not done and you're making excuses left and right to want what you want.

I definitely think OP should just back off because the whole thing is messy. However, why are you saying she and her are not done and wants her back? Having residual feelings post breakup is a common part of the grieving process. 

[kendahke]

49 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

However, why are you saying she and her are not done and wants her back? Having residual feelings post breakup is a common part of the grieving process. 

On 5/10/2020 at 9:56 PM, Emmafive said:

know he called her a few weeks ago.

the next day I saw that he texted her the next day

I was using his laptop and his message threads appear on his Mac

then the next day he  had sent her a video of these puppies.

they wanted to get married

they started following each other again on social media about a month ago.

3 weeks after he called off the reconciliation/broke up with her he contacted her about his things and then sent her the video.

Sent her the video 2 weeks ago and liked the “I miss you but eff you post” a week ago.

A few days ago he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% f%ck you.”

I’ll admit I kind of peeked over when he was texting and saw this. 

he posted this song called ‘Desires’ with the caption “been listening to this for 8 hours now”, it’s about a guy who is going through a breakup and talks about how things could’ve been handled differently,

This was the same day he liked the post that said I miss you but f’ you. 

So I think it’s safe to assume it’s about her. 

Our mutual friend said that he looks at her Instagram and views her posts all the time,

Apparently, two months ago she was at his family’s house and he said he wanted to have an engagement party there.

 

Yes, residual feelings are a part of the break up/grieving process---but he's not over her if he's doing all of this.

By the time you get with someone new, you should not be still trying to access emotional intimacy with your ex. The new person's emotionally intimate space is what you're supposed to be accessing.

He broke up with her and barely let 28 days go by before he took up with OP---and if he was at the point of marriage and arranging engagement parties at his parent's house just one month earlier, it's safe to say that he hadn't done anything like processing out that relationship on his own. At best, OP is a rebound relationship that is going nowhere fast because emotionally, he isn't ready to engage her in that way because he's too busy being engaged in his ex's emotional intimacy.

And OP doesn't know how much they're actually contacting one another, nor does her little friend doing reconnaissance on them.

Edited May 13, 2020 by kendahke

[hippychick3]

This is not going to end well, OP. As much as you like this guy and want this to work, he is definitely not over his ex. All the energy he is putting into maintaining their "friendship" should be put into developing your relationship with him. He's using you to get over her and now gets to have his cake and eat it too.

[poppyfields]

Emma, I'm wondering, is being with him some sort of challenge for you?  Is that part of the attraction? 

Having the power to lure an essentially emotionally unavailable man to love you?  Wow what a high and ego boost that would be!  

Or perhaps on some level you are also emotionally unavailable and this feels safe to you?  

Otherwise, I cannot for the life of me understand the appeal, and sticking around. 

Your earlier post talking about the songs he uploads on social media and other sentimental ****, it's all for HER.

How can you possibly be okay with that?  He's still in love with her, clearly. 

[zawadi16]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Emma, I'm wondering, is being with him some sort of challenge for you?  Is that part of the attraction? 

Having the power to lure an essentially emotionally unavailable man to love you?  Wow what a high and ego boost that would be!  

Or perhaps on some level you are also emotionally unavailable and this feels safe to you?  

Otherwise, I cannot for the life of me understand the appeal, and sticking around. 

Your earlier post talking about the songs he uploads on social media and other sentimental ****, it's all for HER.

How can you possibly be okay with that?  He's still in love with her, clearly. 

From what I’ve gathered it seems like because she believes he doesn’t want to be with the ex they can see still see each other.

[CaliforniaGirl]

55 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

This is not going to end well, OP. As much as you like this guy and want this to work, he is definitely not over his ex. All the energy he is putting into maintaining their "friendship" should be put into developing your relationship with him. He's using you to get over her and now gets to have his cake and eat it too.

I agree with this, and now is better than later. It's only been two months and Emma doesn't have much invested in this guy yet. Emma, don't keep going with this and keep your feelings building. I wouldn't make it an ultimatum but I would probably just gently extricate myself..."I feel like you need more time, call me in a few months." You'll probably be with someone else by then but it's less dramatic than saying you're breaking it off because he's still friends with his ex, and it's also less accusatory. He shouldn't be dating until he's really done that way with the ex, and their friendship really is just a friendship...right now it doesn't seem that way...it seems like, any excuse to keep in touch all the time. Any. He's not ready...but that's not really your business. What IS your business is your own heart...back off gently and go do your own thing.

[Emmafive]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Emma, I'm wondering, is being with him some sort of challenge for you?  Is that part of the attraction? 

Having the power to lure an essentially emotionally unavailable man to love you?  Wow what a high and ego boost that would be!  

Or perhaps on some level you are also emotionally unavailable and this feels safe to you?  

Otherwise, I cannot for the life of me understand the appeal, and sticking around. 

Your earlier post talking about the songs he uploads on social media and other sentimental ****, it's all for HER.

How can you possibly be okay with that?  He's still in love with her, clearly. 

Actually, I don’t think he’s still in love with her.

Today his friend posted a story of all the guys out and the guy I’m seeing is in the background talking about his ex. He’s talking about their breakup then said, “I’ve talked to her a little bit...but...whatever” and then the guys start laughing. So to me it’s a really good sign that he said “whatever”. 


Our mutual friend (who set us up and is dating the best friend of the guy I’m seeing) said they were all together yesterday at the lake and were sitting there for a while. She said he pulled out his phone and saw him go through her Instagram stories because she had just posted. She reiterated how he’ll view her posts but the ex isn’t even checking his (shows you who views your story).
 

Also, the ex’s mom sent a group text but didn’t mean to include him in it. He replied to her and said, “haha no worries! I hope everyone is staying safe”. I can’t tell if him responding to her mom for the wrong text was him just being nice or just another means of staying in contact?

Also, learned that his ex is quarantined with her sister a few states away so she’s not even around. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Emmafive

[elaine567]

31 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

Today his friend posted a story of all the guys out and the guy I’m seeing is in the background talking about his ex. He’s talking about their breakup then said, “I’ve talked to her a little bit...but...whatever” and then the guys start laughing. So to me it’s a really good sign that he said “whatever”

Its a bad sign he is still talking about her... 

[Emmafive]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Its a bad sign he is still talking about her... 

But he’s saying he’s whatever about her.

[elaine567]

...and.
He didn't say he was whatever about her he just said whatever.

[Leojax]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

...and.
He didn't say he was whatever about her he just said whatever.

This. That whatever more than likely was a defeated whatever because he’s not going to get all sappy in front of his guy friends. 
 

Its probably like, “I wish things could be different. I wish she’d come out and say she missed me,  or give me some indication that I didn’t completely spew this all up...but whatever”. 
 

 

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

“I’ve talked to her a little bit...but...whatever” and then the guys start laughing.

The fact that the guys laughed after he said "whatever" tells me they know it's not whatever and they've heard that or something similar from him before.

[Leojax]

A little hint OP:

1.ALL men try and act macho in front of their friends. 
 

2. 99% of the time when someone says, “whatever” they’re rarely indifferent. That’s a masked way of saying I’m hurt/bothered by something but I’m trying to come off as like they’re not bothered. 
 

 

 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Emmafive said:

Actually, I don’t think he’s still in love with her.

"I don't think" does not equal "I know for sure".

"I don't think" means "I'm speculating and reaching..."

[Versacehottie]

21 hours ago, Emmafive said:

But he’s saying he’s whatever about her.

knowing that was being filmed and going onto stories, you should understand not to take the words literally....he's trying to get a reaction from her. She's ignoring him or distant.  He's still into her--it's obvious.  Frickin' embarrassing that he would look at her stories.  He trying to show her he's still interested--though he is saying differently.  OP, your  view of the situation is FAR too one dimensional and FAR too hopeful.  I feel like you are wishing you are together but maybe just hooked up?  Why are you getting all your info about what he is up to via social media and a friend?  That just points out that you are not close for real. Sorry, I don't think this will end the way you want.

[Emmafive]

On 5/15/2020 at 10:56 AM, Versacehottie said:

knowing that was being filmed and going onto stories, you should understand not to take the words literally....he's trying to get a reaction from her. She's ignoring him or distant.  He's still into her--it's obvious.  Frickin' embarrassing that he would look at her stories.  He trying to show her he's still interested--though he is saying differently.  OP, your  view of the situation is FAR too one dimensional and FAR too hopeful.  I feel like you are wishing you are together but maybe just hooked up?  Why are you getting all your info about what he is up to via social media and a friend?  That just points out that you are not close for real. Sorry, I don't think this will end the way you want.

Yes, I do wish we were more than just a hook up.

I wanted to ask him in person about what’s what when he got back in town (he went to go visit his sister). He just posted to his Instagram the Kenney Chesney song, ‘Somewhere With You’ along with the lyrics - 

“If you're going out with someone new
I'm going out with someone too
I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you”

So that’s really good.....

 

[Versacehottie]

23 hours ago, Emmafive said:

Yes, I do wish we were more than just a hook up.

I wanted to ask him in person about what’s what when he got back in town (he went to go visit his sister). He just posted to his Instagram the Kenney Chesney song, ‘Somewhere With You’ along with the lyrics - 

“If you're going out with someone new
I'm going out with someone too
I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you”

So that’s really good.....

 

ok, well, calling it "seeing each other" which, to me, implies dating is different than hooking up, even regularly IMO.  While I don't say that to get into a debate about it--cause that is not the point--the point is that he obviously feels well within his rights to do as he pleases, including pining after his ex-girlfriend and blantantly throwing it out there that he'd love to be with her.  

Sure, could we be wrong as to the purpose of all his postings and meaning (cause I agree with you there)--we could be but it leans toward probably not.  So on top of the fact that he's left you in some big limbo or you are far too hopeful--knowing you follow or at least can see what he posts, he doesn't give a F.  Maybe I'm just adept at reading through the lines but i could tell you were tiptoeing around something!  And more importantly, his behavior defines the relationship when it's obvious that you are trying in lots of ways to find out where you stand with him and where it's likely to go.  You know what that is: an imbalance.

My advice, and I really believe you should take some version of this, is to drop him.  Completely.  Until he is over her, there is no point in playing wayyyyyy wayyyy wayyy second string.  You are just a bandaid at this point.  And one of the biggest things you need for a progressing relationship is respect.  He's not in a position to give it to you cause he's all lovesick. (by the way, might need to revoke his man card for all the emo, lyrics, and social media pining, it's really sad!!! It's something an emotionally unstable girl would do so that should tell you something about where his head is at).  When he gets over her, he may very well come back to you.  We can already see that he's the type to get hung up!  Here's the key though: you cannot hang on while he strips you of every shred of respect.  You're into this for more than FWB and he's only into for that--so that's the key to exit.  He will drop you like a hot potato the moment she gives him an in.  Even worse, he may use you during this time to get over her and occupy himself and then when he feels better go find some new altogether.  Which doesn't only mean you lose the guy, your self-esteem will take a major hit.  I don't think there is much to "ask" him.  It's pretty obvious. Just tell hm that it seems like he's not quite over his ex and you're going to step back and let him take care of his feelings about that before you'd be willing to "see" or date him.  You can tell him if things change with him and he's in a good place, he's welcome to check back in with you and you'll see.  Don't waiver on this and check really good if he shows back up.  There is only one way to get what you want: don't accept less.  Good luck

[kendahke]

On 5/17/2020 at 6:37 PM, Emmafive said:

Yes, I do wish we were more than just a hook up.

I wanted to ask him in person about what’s what when he got back in town (he went to go visit his sister). He just posted to his Instagram the Kenney Chesney song, ‘Somewhere With You’ along with the lyrics - 

“If you're going out with someone new
I'm going out with someone too
I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you”

So that’s really good.....

 

you assume he's directing that at you---when if he actually felt that way, he'd be not only telling you directly to derail the other guys trying to be with you, but showing you consistently.  Guys do that with girls they feel that way about.

It's just a song--it the grand scheme of things, lyrics don't mean anything: consistent action does.

[Emmafive]

6 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

ok, well, calling it "seeing each other" which, to me, implies dating is different than hooking up, even regularly IMO.  While I don't say that to get into a debate about it--cause that is not the point--the point is that he obviously feels well within his rights to do as he pleases, including pining after his ex-girlfriend and blantantly throwing it out there that he'd love to be with her.  

Sure, could we be wrong as to the purpose of all his postings and meaning (cause I agree with you there)--we could be but it leans toward probably not.  So on top of the fact that he's left you in some big limbo or you are far too hopeful--knowing you follow or at least can see what he posts, he doesn't give a F.  Maybe I'm just adept at reading through the lines but i could tell you were tiptoeing around something!  And more importantly, his behavior defines the relationship when it's obvious that you are trying in lots of ways to find out where you stand with him and where it's likely to go.  You know what that is: an imbalance.

My advice, and I really believe you should take some version of this, is to drop him.  Completely.  Until he is over her, there is no point in playing wayyyyyy wayyyy wayyy second string.  You are just a bandaid at this point.  And one of the biggest things you need for a progressing relationship is respect.  He's not in a position to give it to you cause he's all lovesick. (by the way, might need to revoke his man card for all the emo, lyrics, and social media pining, it's really sad!!! It's something an emotionally unstable girl would do so that should tell you something about where his head is at).  When he gets over her, he may very well come back to you.  We can already see that he's the type to get hung up!  Here's the key though: you cannot hang on while he strips you of every shred of respect.  You're into this for more than FWB and he's only into for that--so that's the key to exit.  He will drop you like a hot potato the moment she gives him an in.  Even worse, he may use you during this time to get over her and occupy himself and then when he feels better go find some new altogether.  Which doesn't only mean you lose the guy, your self-esteem will take a major hit.  I don't think there is much to "ask" him.  It's pretty obvious. Just tell hm that it seems like he's not quite over his ex and you're going to step back and let him take care of his feelings about that before you'd be willing to "see" or date him.  You can tell him if things change with him and he's in a good place, he's welcome to check back in with you and you'll see.  Don't waiver on this and check really good if he shows back up.  There is only one way to get what you want: don't accept less.  Good luck

I’ll back off and let him be. My question is if he’s so love sick and social media pining why isn’t he getting back with her? 

[Miss Spider]

“Friends” with ex is almost always a red flag for me. It’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to be civil with an ex, or still have them friended on Facebook, but anyone that’s actually friends, like buddy-buddy, texting or calling semi regular with an ex is just wired wayyyy too differently than me.  After I break with a guy I once had romantic interest in, I don’t want to be close friends with him ...but whatever 

Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Acacia98]

 

2 hours ago, Emmafive said:

I’ll back off and let him be. My question is if he’s so love sick and social media pining why isn’t he getting back with her? 

Perhaps he's not getting back together with her because she won't have him back.

Perhaps he's not getting back with her because he was deeply hurt that time she dumped him and he's scared of being hurt again.

Perhaps he doesn't actually want to get back with her. Maybe he's a vengeful sort of guy and wants to get close enough to hurt her for hurting him, and he plans to use you to do that.

The point is we don't know. And you don't seem to know him well enough to make an educated guess either. But what is clear to almost everyone in this discussion is that the cirumstances point to his not being completely done with that relationship. It's also clear that he doesn't care about your feelings. I mean, shooting "plenty of fish"? Goodness! That's really effed up... And what all this stuff he's posting and doing must be doing to your self esteem? Man! This guy really is not good for you. I encourage you to stick to your decision to pull away. I wouldn't even advise you to get back together with him down the road if he dealt with his baggage. Because, honestly, I don't think a decent guy would do exactly what he was doing, even if he was deeply hurt and confused.

[Versacehottie]

14 hours ago, Emmafive said:

I’ll back off and let him be. My question is if he’s so love sick and social media pining why isn’t he getting back with her? 

What Acacia said is correct. Most likely she won't have him back or she is making him work for it.  It doesn't change the fact that you are number 2 by a long shot in this scenario.  Who wants to be number 2?

Also it's not just a factor of what HE wants.  It's a factor of what she wants and perhaps his pride (which wavers back and forth in weak moments and then moments of false bravado)

Also importantly, you think like lots of people do in that your first assumption is that he would want to be with "Someone".  That is often not the case.  Even if you would process your feelings that way, doesn't mean he or another guy would.  Most likely, he'd rather be single and out getting ego boosts from a variety of girls while his heart heals from the one he can't have. That's what the lyrics are about essentially.  I don't think that you thought they were for you, did you?  To me, they are the exact opposite (and I'm familiar with the song): it basically means though you might hear I'm with someone else and it might look like i'm moving on, I'd rather be anywhere with you (the ex); meaning the ex is still top of their mind and that's where his heart is.  To be posting that sh*t, shows how lovesick and what a play he is making to try to tug on her heartstrings.  

Not that I would recommend it, but you could do an experiment where you "presume" that post WAS meant for you.  And mention it--I bet he would then run so fast from even messing with you.  He'd panic. 

I think sometimes people stick their heads in the sand and ignore what is going on right in front of you and the reality.  You look for signs through the friends and false presumptions trying to make a case that it "could" go your way.  Maybe in the future but now, no.  I don't think you should put yourself through this.  He's using you.  Maybe consciously, maybe subconsciously.  If he's like a lot of guys, he's probably not thinking that deep about what this is doing to you--just sees you as a willing participant--meanwhile he has his number one agenda and top priority and it's not you.  Throw him a curve ball.  Don't wait til he moves on or strings you along and it's messing with you.  On your own, decide to walk away now from the mature standpoint that you want and deserve more and he's not in a position to give it to you now.  Being slightly sympathetic to the fact that he's a lovesick puppy and not super emotional should help you.  It will at least balance things where you have more of equal or even you in the power position.  And if you think about it, that's probably a huge part of why is pining after her: she is in power position.  Oldest story in the book: people want what they can't have.  It's an ego thing.  So you have to fix that part first in a respect manner before he would ever really take you seriously to date.  And then there is the part that he needs to fix which you can do nothing to speed along (except for not being his crutch) is the time it takes to heal. You don't want to be the crutch. Goodluck  

Edited May 19, 2020 by Versacehottie