Is he just friends/friendly with his ex?

[ShyViolet]

You've only been seeing this guy two months.  And he just went through a big breakup 3 months ago.  It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of him and you are moving too fast.  He is still processing this breakup.  He is going through very normal feelings and he has a right to them.  Slow down and stop expecting the world of him.  He's not ready to jump into a serious commitment with you right now.  

[Leojax]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

Thing is there's absolutely no obstacle to him going back to her since he's the one that broke up with her, so common sense would tell you he may not hate her but he doesn't want to be tied down to her.. of course that doesn't mean he wants to be tied down to this one either. 

Again, reconciliations aren’t easy like that.

”he may not hate her but he doesn’t want to be tied down” -what you’re describing is straddling indifference. If he doesn’t want her back why has he contacted her multiple times and keeping tabs on her on social media? He quite literally said that he missed her.

[d0nnivain]

You are a rebound.  He started up with you a mere 1 month after breaking up with a woman he was planning to marry.  He still relies on her like she's he's GF asking her where things are.  They have unfinished business & you are a placeholder.   Sorry.  

[fly_five]

Here’s some hope for you OP.  Your story reminded me a lot of my sister’s relationship.  She’s not on here but told me to say,

“Many years ago, my I was the ex girlfriend in this scenario. We had a great relationship, great sex, a lot in common etc., but he broke up with me because he said that something was missing. To this day I don’t know what that was, but he soon started dating someone else. They dated on and off for a few years, but he still talked to me a lot. When they were broken up, he would really come back into my life in a stronger way and would even have sex with me. He would say that he was never as attracted to anyone nor had he ever felt about anyone the way he felt about me. But, long story short, he married her. And I think that they are still married. It should have been me, but it wasn’t. So great ending for her, and perhaps it will be for you too.“

[Emmafive]

Thanks. 

My good friend’s boyfriend is a good buddy of his (how we met) so I was made privy to a few things.

She broke up with him first 2 months ago and in the process of talking things out they got in a bad argument that night, and according to my friend, the guy I’m seeing just got angry and called it off. I do know right before the big blow up where they broke 2 months he went to her mother for advice. He said he didn’t know what his ex had wanted. Then a few weeks later after he broke things off (1.5 month post the breakup she initiated…3 weeks after he called off the reconciliation/broke up with her) he contacted her about his things and then sent her the video. Sent her the video 2 weeks ago and liked the “I miss you but eff you post” a week ago.

[Uptown182]

15 hours ago, JS84 said:

You've been dating a guy for 2 months who broke up with the woman he wanted to marry 3 months ago. Does that really sound like a great idea to you??

This ^^
 

I don’t know how long they were together but if they were planning on getting married I’m assuming it was quite a while.  Highly unlikely for him to be totally over her at this point. I hate to say this but very likely that he’s in the rebound and this relationship might not be the best idea for you.

That being said, the texts about him asking her to look for something aren’t a big deal by themselves.  However coupled with his likes on her social media and the fact that they only started following each other after they broke up would be a red flag for me.  

Have you asked him if he still has feelings for her?

[miranda561]

On 5/11/2020 at 2:56 AM, Emmafive said:

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months. I really like him. 

I know he called her a few weeks ago. He told me couldn’t find something of his so he called her and asked her if she had it, apparently she told him no, she didn’t have it. The next day I saw that he texted her the next day and asked her again if she had a chance to look again (I was using his laptop and his message threads appear on his Mac). Then the next day he was laughing at something. He had sent her a video of these puppies. I figured they were just friends/friendly? 

A few days ago he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% f%ck you.” Today she texted him saying tell your mom I said happy Mother’s Day for me and he responded, “Will do. Please do the same for me.” I’ll admit I kind of peeked over when he was texting and saw this. 

Backstory: I know they wanted to get married, he was saving up for a ring, and they broke up due to arguing. He initiated the breakup 3 months ago. Oh, and they started following each other again on social media about a month ago. 

Are they just friends/friendly?

Tl;dr don’t know if he’s friendly with his ex or wants her back.

He misses her if he liked that quote, thats suss. 

Well can exes really ever be friends . Its friendly for now but i mean they didnt break up that long ago. And they were going to get married. Thats quite significant 

[Uptown182]

13 hours ago, Emmafive said:

I’ve dated someone for 5 years, met someone a month later and was with him for 3 years. You can breakup with someone and genuinely move on quickly.

 

also, none of this indicates he wants to get back together with her, right? 

Chances are in your situation you were probably checked out of that relationship long before you guys broke up.  However given that they had been breaking up and getting back together doesn’t look like he’s been checked out of that relationship for long.  Looks to me like he was trying to make things work, they both were.

 

if I’m wrong about your previous relationship, then you’re the exception to the rule, but I must warn you things don’t typically work out that way and people don’t get over a relationship they fight to stay in that quickly.  

[Emmafive]

10 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

This ^^
 

I don’t know how long they were together but if they were planning on getting married I’m assuming it was quite a while.  Highly unlikely for him to be totally over her at this point. I hate to say this but very likely that he’s in the rebound and this relationship might not be the best idea for you.

That being said, the texts about him asking her to look for something aren’t a big deal by themselves.  However coupled with his likes on her social media and the fact that they only started following each other after they broke up would be a red flag for me.  

Have you asked him if he still has feelings for her?

No, I haven’t asked.

Well I know  that he posted this song called ‘Desires’ with the caption “been listening to this for 8 hours now”, it’s about a guy who is going through a breakup and talks about how things could’ve been handled differently, and how nice guys finish last. And a a few days ago a post with a caption that says, 

‘When someone says there’s other fish in the sea 
‘My response:’ 

And video of a person shooting the fish. This was the same day he liked the post that said I miss you but f’ you. So I think it’s safe to assume it’s about her. 

Our mutual friend said that he looks at her Instagram and views her posts all the time, even though she doesn’t really view his. Oh, and apparently she was his first serious girlfriend – he’s 30 by the way. Apparently, two months ago she was at his family’s house and he said he wanted to have an engagement party there.

[Emmafive]

5 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Chances are in your situation you were probably checked out of that relationship long before you guys broke up.  However given that they had been breaking up and getting back together doesn’t look like he’s been checked out of that relationship for long.  Looks to me like he was trying to make things work, they both were.

 

if I’m wrong about your previous relationship, then you’re the exception to the rule, but I must warn you things don’t typically work out that way and people don’t get over a relationship they fight to stay in that quickly.  

Yes, I know that they were. However, that doesn’t mean that’s the case now, right?

[Emmafive]

17 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

He misses her if he liked that quote, thats suss. 

Well can exes really ever be friends . Its friendly for now but i mean they didnt break up that long ago. And they were going to get married. Thats quite significant 

Yes, but you can miss an ex and not want them back.

[Uptown182]

27 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

Yes, I know that they were. However, that doesn’t mean that’s the case now, right?

Whether it is or not, why would you want to be with someone who is pining over someone else?

i just got out of a relationship about a month and a half ago and while I don’t want him back I’m still in no shape to be dating anyone new at this time.  And my relationship wasn’t as serious as your guy’s sounded. 

[Emmafive]

11 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Whether it is or not, why would you want to be with someone who is pining over someone else?

i just got out of a relationship about a month and a half ago and while I don’t want him back I’m still in no shape to be dating anyone new at this time.  And my relationship wasn’t as serious as your guy’s sounded. 

Because I don’t mind taking a long time getting to know each other.

you said that you don’t want your ex, but do you miss him?

[Uptown182]

44 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

Because I don’t mind taking a long time getting to know each other.

you said that you don’t want your ex, but do you miss him?

I miss the memories and the feeling of being in a relationship more than I actually miss him.
 

 The issue I see with dating someone so early on after a break up is that the new person will constantly be compared to the ex and the ex will more often than not look better because there’s a history there and more of a connection than to someone you only know a few weeks or months (depending on how long the relationship was).  My relationship was only 7 months and again doesn’t sound like it was as serious your guy’s.

also I don’t communicate with my ex, we don’t text each other, we do however still follow each other on social media but I have muted his posts.  Do I still check out his page? Sure.  Does he check out mine? I’m pretty sure.  But we’re not in each others lives so it would be easier to move one.  As for your guy seems like him and his ex are still quite intertwined which will make it harder for them to move on.   
 

My advice since it seems like you really like this guy...I would back off and give him a few more months to heal.  If they get back, they were going to regardless of whether you were in the picture or not.  If they don’t get back, you can start up with him again In a healthier way, If you’re still single that is.  And don’t worry about him meeting someone new, if he does that won’t last...but right now you’re in that position where it seems it won’t last, so you need to take yourself out of it. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by Uptown182

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, Emmafive said:

Yes, but you can miss an ex and not want them back.

But he has feelings still. Do you want someone who isnt over the ex

[Emmafive]

6 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

But he has feelings still. Do you want someone who isnt over the ex

No, but isn’t that normal when you’re in the process of moving on-still have lingering feelings?

[miranda561]

3 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

No, but isn’t that normal when you’re in the process of moving on-still have lingering feelings?

I guess its inevitable.

But i mean they still keep contacting one another. Its not exactly a clean break is it...

 

[miranda561]

7 minutes ago, Emmafive said:

No, but isn’t that normal when you’re in the process of moving on-still have lingering feelings?

Its clearly  concerning you otherwise you wouldn't  make a post about it. 

[zawadi16]

10 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

I guess its inevitable.

But i mean they still keep contacting one another. Its not exactly a clean break is it...

 

That’s because this guy doesn’t want a break. 
He wants his ex still.

[miranda561]

4 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

That’s because this guy doesn’t want a break. 
He wants his ex still.

He clearly misses her. 

The op should just leave it for now.

[assertives]

4 hours ago, Emmafive said:

No, I haven’t asked.

Well I know  that he posted this song called ‘Desires’ with the caption “been listening to this for 8 hours now”, it’s about a guy who is going through a breakup and talks about how things could’ve been handled differently, and how nice guys finish last. And a a few days ago a post with a caption that says, 

‘When someone says there’s other fish in the sea 
‘My response:’ 

And video of a person shooting the fish. This was the same day he liked the post that said I miss you but f’ you. So I think it’s safe to assume it’s about her. 

Our mutual friend said that he looks at her Instagram and views her posts all the time, even though she doesn’t really view his. Oh, and apparently she was his first serious girlfriend – he’s 30 by the way. Apparently, two months ago she was at his family’s house and he said he wanted to have an engagement party there.

This makes no sense and frankly sounds like he's being passive aggressive on social media intentionally for her or for someone to see. I would be concerned if he's dating just to say f you to his ex or their mutual friends/acquaintances.

Also, 2 months is still so early into a relationship. You should be basking in and enjoying the new relationship and its honeymoon period. Instead, you are worrying about his actions on social media, wondering what he meant by this or that, unsure if he's even over his ex let alone whether he feels the same way about you as you feel for him. I wouldn't waste more time on this if a serious relationship is what you are looking for.

[Calmandfocused]

15 hours ago, fly_five said:

“Many years ago, my I was the ex girlfriend in this scenario. We had a great relationship, great sex, a lot in common etc., but he broke up with me because he said that something was missing. To this day I don’t know what that was, but he soon started dating someone else. They dated on and off for a few years, but he still talked to me a lot. When they were broken up, he would really come back into my life in a stronger way and would even have sex with me. He would say that he was never as attracted to anyone nor had he ever felt about anyone the way he felt about me. But, long story short, he married her. And I think that they are still married. It should have been me, but it wasn’t. So great ending for her, and perhaps it will be for you too.“

This is not an example of a happy ending to a rebound relationship IMO. All I see is lies, manipulation and 2 women being significantly hurt and being played off against each other. I suspect that his wife didn’t even know the extent he was still “in love” with your sister.

His wife has my sympathies. I wouldn’t want to marry a man like that! 

Op, you will get hurt. He is not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else. He may not wish to get back with her but he clearly still has feelings for her. 
 

Don’t keep knocking on a door where there is no vacancy. Give your heart to a man whose emotionally ready to give his heart to you and only you. 
 

 

[Uptown182]

7 hours ago, Emmafive said:

No, but isn’t that normal when you’re in the process of moving on-still have lingering feelings?

Yes it is, if he had just some lingering feelings, wasn’t in contact with her, not posting sad stuff in social media, and wasn’t planning on marrying her then I’d say see what happens.  However, that’s not the case.  He’s basically spelling it out for you that he’s not over her and doesn’t want to be.  When you get out of a relationship, yes most often there’s still feelings and you miss the person however if you are really done with the relationship you will put all your efforts in moving on, which most often involves cutting all contact with your ex..this guy hasn’t done that.

does his ex know about you?

Edited May 12, 2020 by Uptown182

[Allupinnit]

Oh come on all of that sappy crap on social media is DEFINITELY for her.  That's so incredibly lame - how embarrassing that your bf is posting that stuff for all to see regarding her when he's supposed to be dating YOU.  This guy sounds more like 16 than a 30-year-old man.  LOL

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, Emmafive said:

Yes, but you can miss an ex and not want them back.

Yes that may be true but it also means that you are not ready to date. 

Your posts indicate that you want this relationship to work very badly.  You like him & you are desperate for him to like you.  Unfortunately, he's just using you to fill the hole in his life, left by her departure.  

This is not going to end well for you.