Emmafive Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months. I really like him. I know he called her a few weeks ago. He told me couldn’t find something of his so he called her and asked her if she had it, apparently she told him no, she didn’t have it. The next day I saw that he texted her the next day and asked her again if she had a chance to look again (I was using his laptop and his message threads appear on his Mac). Then the next day he was laughing at something. He had sent her a video of these puppies. I figured they were just friends/friendly? A few days ago he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% f%ck you.” Today she texted him saying tell your mom I said happy Mother’s Day for me and he responded, “Will do. Please do the same for me.” I’ll admit I kind of peeked over when he was texting and saw this. Backstory: I know they wanted to get married, he was saving up for a ring, and they broke up due to arguing. He initiated the breakup 3 months ago. Oh, and they started following each other again on social media about a month ago. Are they just friends/friendly? Tl;dr don’t know if he’s friendly with his ex or wants her back.
preraph Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 Well they certainly have a good sense of humor about the break-up. I guess that's healthier than being bitter and calling names. Look there's no way to know for sure. if he broke up with her it is possible she didn't want that to happen. he could be getting something from communicating for her just validation that she still wants him or something for his ego. but if he wants to get back with her I don't know why he's dating other people unless he's trying to keep both things going at once, and it certainly wouldn't be the first time something like that was going on. Their breakup is awfully fresh. I would just tell you to keep dating other people as well and not get too absorbed in this yet. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 You have a right to be suspicious or cautious. Absolutely. In these situations, it's sorta like a criminal trial: you want to feel the other person is over the ex beyond a reasonable doubt.
ShyViolet Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 You've only been dating this guy 2 months. That is way too short a time for you to be snooping and worrying about his messages to his ex. You two are not even serious yet. Take a step back and remember that you are still getting to know this guy yourself and this relationship is just barely in the new stages. I don't see anything in his messages with his ex that seems outright suspicious. Maybe they are still friends. Some exes do remain friends. 1
Leojax Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You've only been dating this guy 2 months. That is way too short a time for you to be snooping and worrying about his messages to his ex. You two are not even serious yet. Take a step back and remember that you are still getting to know this guy yourself and this relationship is just barely in the new stages. I don't see anything in his messages with his ex that seems outright suspicious. Maybe they are still friends. Some exes do remain friends. A few days ago he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% f%ck you.” Does that sound like he views her as only a friend after they wanted to get married a couple of months ago, to you?
ShyViolet Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Leojax said: A few days ago he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% f%ck you.” Does that sound like he views her as only a friend after they wanted to get married a couple of months ago, to you? My point was more that the OP has only been dating this guy 2 months. That is not a serious relationship and she needs to relax because she's just getting to know the guy herself. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 (edited) TBH, this would bother me a little bit. I don't think it's something anyone can talk you into or out of, though. You're comfortable with it or not. I wish there were one clear answer for you but I think people can really only give you their own opinions. Mine is, catching up every so often would be no big deal but they seem to do it pretty constantly and for, well...kind of dumb/contrived reasons. Like an "any excuse" sort of thing. You may need to ultimately decide whether you can live with them having their silly check-ins all the time. I doubt they'll just stop. And no girlfriend ever wants to be the d*ck who seems to want to come between a friendship. FWIW, I'm not saying this from a position of raging jealousy or anything...it's just that Christ, there are limits. My husband has two female friends he checks in with a few times a year, plus they'll do happy birthdays, happy kid's birthdays, etc. on FB. Just very occasional stuff, AFAIK (I mean I don't check, LOL, but that's my understanding). One he had a huge crush on years ago but they morphed into just friends. She's a knockout, she was the most beautiful girl in their highschool. The other is the sister of a guy who was my husband's best friend back in the day. She was always a wild one and they had sex driving in his car (yes, really, LOL) a jillion years ago. I have met both of these women and they're awesome. I don't think exes or ex crushes can never be friends, they definitely can, but being in touch all the time, exchanging dumb puppy videos just to be able to keep grabbing eachother's attention and stuff...my personal opinion is a line gets crossed at a certain point where it's disrespectful, because then they're putting the "new" SO in this uncomfortable position and for what? IMO that's unfair. Your mileage may vary. Edited May 11, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 2
JS84 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 You've been dating a guy for 2 months who broke up with the woman he wanted to marry 3 months ago. Does that really sound like a great idea to you?? 5 2
justwhoiam Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 9 hours ago, Emmafive said: I really like him. Yeah, but he's not over his ex... so you're playing with fire. You're gonna get hurt. Quote I know he called her a few weeks ago. He told me couldn’t find something of his so he called her and asked her if she had it That's an excuse. He could have sent a text, asking her to check that. But no, he called, to establish direct contact... Quote they wanted to get married, he was saving up for a ring, and they broke up due to arguing. He initiated the breakup 3 months ago. Oh, and they started following each other again on social media about a month ago. Are they just friends/friendly? No, you just don't stop being attracted to someone you want to marry... after 3 months. And going so far as to liking her online stuff, calling her, laughing with her... The signs are all there. Sexual tension is still there. For both. Her message was clear. She wants him and she hates him (he broke up, he caused her pain...). And you're witnessing all that going on. Break up already. Let him free to make up his mind. 3 1
Author Emmafive Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 53 minutes ago, justwhoiam said: Yeah, but he's not over his ex... so you're playing with fire. You're gonna get hurt. That's an excuse. He could have sent a text, asking her to check that. But no, he called, to establish direct contact... No, you just don't stop being attracted to someone you want to marry... after 3 months. And going so far as to liking her online stuff, calling her, laughing with her... The signs are all there. Sexual tension is still there. For both. Her message was clear. She wants him and she hates him (he broke up, he caused her pain...). And you're witnessing all that going on. Break up already. Let him free to make up his mind. Call/text...I use them interchangeably-he did text her. He asked via text about the stuff, he asked her again (via text) the next day. and what message of hers was clear-the 50% miss you, 50% f you post?
Author Emmafive Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 1 hour ago, JS84 said: You've been dating a guy for 2 months who broke up with the woman he wanted to marry 3 months ago. Does that really sound like a great idea to you?? I’ve dated someone for 5 years, met someone a month later and was with him for 3 years. You can breakup with someone and genuinely move on quickly. also, none of this indicates he wants to get back together with her, right? 1
justwhoiam Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Emmafive said: and what message of hers was clear-the 50% miss you, 50% f you post? Yes.
Author Emmafive Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 14 minutes ago, justwhoiam said: Yes. HE liked that post, not her. So he’s saying eff her.
justwhoiam Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Emmafive said: HE liked that post, not her. So he’s saying eff her. Wake up, girl. It's not about what he says, it's about what he does. You can keep accepting everything he does, but you opened this thread for a reason. You have a doubt. So I see no use in trying to find excuses... Did you just want us to reassure you that they're just friends? I met an ex after a year... and sexual tension was over the top. He smiled at me constantly, made a few remarks about me (compliments)... And one more thing. There'll be things you won't find in writing. Some things are better said on the phone or in person, especially if you have a partner who could read... 1 1
Allupinnit Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 No boyfriend of mine would have contact with a recent ex girlfriend. Can exes be friends? Yeah, I think so. After a good amount of time has passed and feelings have diminished, and both parties have moved on. This is frankly BS. 2
Versacehottie Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 I'd say it's not looking good that he is over her, which doesn't mean they will get back together but they do have a much longer and much more in depth connection than you guys do. He definitely has mixed feelings about not being with her. 2
preraph Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 If either one of these women isn't dating other people at this point they're being foolish. Remaining friends with the ex isn't unusual but it doesn't mean he wants her back. If he did he'd be back with her.
Silver_star Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 Flags are up. People have their own comfort levels with this type of thing, but for me I am not comfortable with that kind of contact. People will disagree or say you are jealous and need not worry, but I am not a teenager anymore, I am grown and I have been through enough to know that if something is uncomfortable to you in your gut...it's because something is not right. I know from having gone through break ups that it takes a lot of space and time to heal the pain of losing someone important to you that you shared intimacy with, and if you haven't had that amount of time and space between you and you are still speaking and sharing "Funny posts" like nothing happened...then you are not healed emotionally and you are just distracting yourself with other people, lying to yourself and to this new person all the while you are still hung up emotionally on your ex. 2 months is not that long, I would bow out now so you don't get hurt..I sense that is what is coming here. 2
kendahke Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 13 hours ago, Emmafive said: He initiated the breakup 3 months ago. They have unfinished business and you are his rebound relationship. They are still too far up in each other's emotional intimacy for indifference to have gained a foothold. At 3 months out of that relationship, he's done NOTHING to strangle any feelings for her. Just because they argued doesn't mean they are indifferent towards each other. Lots of people use arguing as foreplay. I'd tread extremely carefully with him and do not allow yourself to invest in future thoughts about him as long as he and her are still this chummy and connected. You are the 3rd wheel here. Your best bet is to start backing out of this unless you really want your heart to get mangled in a horrible fashion. 3
Leojax Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Versacehottie said: I'd say it's not looking good that he is over her, which doesn't mean they will get back together but they do have a much longer and much more in depth connection than you guys do. He definitely has mixed feelings about not being with her. I’ve never reached out to an ex multiple times 2 days in a row (missing item or not), then send her something 3rd day in a row just because I missed her and had no intention of getting back together. To me this screams I want you back, but I don’t know how to fix what I’ve done. 4
preraph Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 It just sounds like if he wanted to be with her he could be, so I'm going with actions speak louder than words. He just doesn't want to be tied down to her and wants to keep being able to chase other women.
kendahke Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 4 hours ago, JS84 said: You've been dating a guy for 2 months who broke up with the woman he wanted to marry 3 months ago. Does that really sound like a great idea to you?? Exactly If he's doing/saying everything you say he's doing/saying to her, then he hasn't done anything to process the demise of that relationship in the one month between him ending that relationship and getting with you. Having sex with you doesn't count on that tip... you're a distractions from those feelings, initially--but now, he has no problem texting her in front of you. That means he views you as a time marker, not something he's going to invest in seriously. I'd really take a huge step out of this, OP. 1
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Emmafive said: HE liked that post, not her. So he’s saying eff her. NO, he is saying he understands why 1/2 of her misses him and 1/2 of her wants to tell him to F^^^ off. 1 1
Leojax Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, preraph said: It just sounds like if he wanted to be with her he could be, so I'm going with actions speak louder than words. He just doesn't want to be tied down to her and wants to keep being able to chase other women. Nope, not it. His actions definitely say he wants to still be with her. Reconciliation rarely starts right out of the gate with, “hey I want you back”. It looks A LOT like this. He has no reason to be in contact with someone he wanted to marry a few months ago, but he’s choosing to. Nothing egregious happened between the two of them (cheating, lying, etc.). He wants to get back together. It’s best not to give OP any kind of hope that he doesn’t want back in. 1
preraph Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 Thing is there's absolutely no obstacle to him going back to her since he's the one that broke up with her, so common sense would tell you he may not hate her but he doesn't want to be tied down to her.. of course that doesn't mean he wants to be tied down to this one either.
Recommended Posts