Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

May 19, 2020

3 hours ago, rjc149 said:

I don't think being head-over-heels in love with someone is a moral prerequisite for engaging in sexual activity with them. Certainly not for men, but I wouldn't hold anyone to that standard.

You like to exaggerate don't you.

I didn't say "head-over-heels in love," I said "into her." Lol

To which OP clarified, but hey thanks for chiming in!

Edited May 19, 2020 by poppyfields

May 19, 2020

I’ll put back the comments I deleted because I thought they might be tmi, but they exemplify hust how different people can be,..

”Interested in making out..., to me it’s all it means. I think it is a personality thing. Probably cultural too. To me, a kiss isn’t like sex, so I would probably kiss a guy who I think is hot and we vibe, had good dates, without thinking I he’s the one or the bees knees or anything. I mean some people can even have sex shen they’re not planning to see the person again or feeling them all that much. I don’t think it necessarily means they’re damaged. They’re just differeht and it aint nuthin”

it’s not. And I adore you too, bew.

Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 19, 2020

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I've definitely had guys think I had misled them by going on two dates with them but then saying it wasn't working out. Just going out with someone twice indicates interest. Making out twice definitely would seem to indicate interest, why wouldn't that seem to be interest?

I mean people don't usually make out with people or make sure to make a second date with people plus make out at the end of that second date if they're not interested...

If the steak at Sizzler grossed me out the first time I'm probably not making sure to go back there, then ordering the same one again and chewing my way grimly through it again... if I get it again...that probably tells the waiter, "oh. She liked it last time."

That's why you go to Prime 47 or maybe even Ruth Chris and not Sizzler...........just a thought.

Edited May 20, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 19, 2020

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

But did you learn anything from this? I don't want to sound Mommy-ish with that, sorry...the thing is, you seem to be saying you just don't seem to get second dates...are you thinking about what seems to happen on them? Before them? It may not just be the "after." What kinds of women are you going after? Or is it not that at all, are they going after you? Where are you looking? And so on.

It might not be that ONE single thing, the exact timing of "when" you "should" call or text. Like that's a sack of sand sitting inside a temple and if you lift it too soon, or too late or if there's one grain too much or too little the whole temple collapses and arrows shoot at you and a giant ball tries to roll over you and crush you to death as you run screaming.

I'm just one woman but I know this is true of every other woman I know - we've all had relationships where things started off slower, faster, that first follow-up text might be the next day...a few days later...it might be literally that night, "So, did you get home all right?" The date might have actually been made *at* the first date. "Tonight was so much fun, what are you doing next Thursday?" It always varies so there obviously isn't one exact formula or else you're sh*tcanned.

I think if you're having repeated failures and it literally never works out, you should look at what *is* repeating and start from there. I mean you sound like a cool and decent guy and that you do have women who are interested in you so start from: here's what seems to happen each time...at each step of the way.

Past relationships have ended either because I wasn't happy, because they weren't happy, and because we both agreed it wasn't healthy.

From each of these relationships, I've learned and grown.

I have been told by family and friends that I need to choose better lovers and I started doing this. I don't go on as many dates but I also guard my life to keep the drama out.

Miss Dutch called me tonight and I"m posting my response at the end of this thread.

May 19, 2020

She called tonight

She said she is still has doubts for a few reasons.

1.) I'm bipolar (now before anyone puts a label on this, I've spent 6 years learning, seeing psychologists, taking mindfulness classes, yoga, and meditation and have worked hard to have a normal life.). When I tell girl this they don't hear this part, they just hear bi-polar. I've had two times where this was the reason the girl decided to quit seeing me.

2.) I'm from America and she is from here, born and raised.

3.) She doesn't know me that well yet.

I kept the conversation fun and light hearted and when it did move into a serious conversation I listened, provided feedback, and in the end I say it was a pleasure meeting you and to take care. She wished me well too.

I'm bipolar II and I can't change this, what I can change is when I tell girls(if I tell them at all) and how I broach the topic.

May 19, 2020

Thanks guys for your advice and I'm sure I'll have more questions with the dates to come.

May 19, 2020

42 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

2.) I'm from America and she is from here, born and raised.

3.) She doesn't know me that well yet.

Can you clarify no. 2?

Where is "here"?

No 3, well, no one knows anyone, that's precisely why we date, to get to know each other! So that one makes zero sense to me.

Bipolar is a tough one, you might want to emphasize it's bipolar 2 as it's much different from bipolar 1. It's basically a mood disorder (as I am sure you know) and very easily managed even without meds.

Edited May 19, 2020 by poppyfields

May 19, 2020

40 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

She called tonight

She said she is still has doubts for a few reasons.

1.) I'm bipolar (now before anyone puts a label on this, I've spent 6 years learning, seeing psychologists, taking mindfulness classes, yoga, and meditation and have worked hard to have a normal life.). When I tell girl this they don't hear this part, they just hear bi-polar. I've had two times where this was the reason the girl decided to quit seeing me.

2.) I'm from America and she is from here, born and raised.

3.) She doesn't know me that well yet.

I kept the conversation fun and light hearted and when it did move into a serious conversation I listened, provided feedback, and in the end I say it was a pleasure meeting you and to take care. She wished me well too.

I'm bipolar II and I can't change this, what I can change is when I tell girls(if I tell them at all) and how I broach the topic.

Do you LEAD with "hey, I'm BiPolar"???? Why even bring that up at first. After doing too much yoga it's not out of the realm of possibility to feel bipolar. Again, how come you have to even mention it?

May 20, 2020

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Can you clarify no. 2?

Where is "here"?

No 3, well, no one knows anyone, that's precisely why we date, to get to know each other! So that one makes zero sense to me.

Bipolar is a tough one, you might want to emphasize it's bipolar 2 as it's much different from bipolar 1. It's basically a mood disorder (as I am sure you know) and very easily managed even without meds.

Here is in The Netherlands.

Yeah 3 made no sense to me either.

I do emphasize the bipolar 2, but they only hear bipolar. Unfortunately they only here bipolar.

I have patience and believe one day I’ll find someone that will understand and be ok with it.

Today was just not that day

May 20, 2020

2 hours ago, simpycurious said:

That's why you go to Prime 47 or maybe even Ruth Chris and not Sizzler...........just a thought.

Why didn't I think of that?

May 20, 2020

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Do you LEAD with "hey, I'm BiPolar"???? Why even bring that up at first. After doing too much yoga it's not out of the realm of possibility to feel bipolar. Again, how come you have to even mention it?

My thought too. I think it’s too early to bring it up. You guys really don’t seem to have that type of intimacy yet. Not her business ...

I do it the smart way and automatically assume everyone I meet on a dating app has a mental disorder of some variety. I’m not often wrong about that

Edited May 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 20, 2020

48 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Why didn't I think of that?

You are more than welcome Cali...........

46 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

My thought too. I think it’s too early to bring it up. You guys really don’t seem to have that type of intimacy yet. Not her business ...

I do it the smart way and automatically assume everyone I meet on a dating app has a mental disorder of some variety. I’m not often wrong about that

Do most of them end up being bipolar?

1 hour ago, rkennedynl said:

Here is in The Netherlands.

Yeah 3 made no sense to me either.

I do emphasize the bipolar 2, but they only hear bipolar. Unfortunately they only here bipolar.

I have patience and believe one day I’ll find someone that will understand and be ok with it.

Today was just not that day

You will RK just be open to it when it manifests itself

May 20, 2020

First and foremost, good on this girl for at least giving you the courtesy and respect of calling you, speaking to you, explaining her position, and doing her best to give you closure. It's also probably because you come off as pretty good-natured and she knew you weren't going to get angry and nasty. So that reflects well on you too.

2 and 3 are excuses to let you down easy, but #1 is possibly legit. Not sure why that would come up on a 1st or 2nd date, I feel like opening up to someone about your mood disorders is something that is discussed once there is a much closer intimate connection and comfort level with each other. Not something you want to bring up on dates. I'm guessing that was TMI on your part.

I'd think you want to get someone comfortable with who you are, as a person, before you need to get them comfortable with a peripheral aspect of your life that does not define you. Once they are comfortable with you, they can be comfortable with your flaws.

Personally, I think there's a chance this girl reaches out to you again, as long as you said goodbye and you stick to it.

May 20, 2020

Nope but I actually have been on dates with a few who had bipolar, general anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD. and had a couple exes with depression....I don’t discriminate... a lot of them told me on like the first couple dates though as a disclaimer or something... Like this one guy told me on the second date he had gone to his to his therapist for anxiety earlier that day and I was like...oh.

Edited May 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 20, 2020

I would be cautious about telling dates so early on about your mental health.

I don't mean that you should hide it, but I don't see how revealing that within a couple dates is necessary. It doesn't give someone a chance to really know you before labeling and possibly stigmatizing you.

May 20, 2020

4 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Personally, I think there's a chance this girl reaches out to you again, as long as you said goodbye and you stick to it.

When I was on the phone, I told her it was a pleasure meeting her and she said the same. There was a point during the conversation where I asked if she wanted to continue to get to know me, and she paused for a long time. So I started laughing and said I got my answer. She laughed.

I sent this to her as I send to all girls when things end and I’m still interested

“I forgot to add, if you change your mind get ahold of me. If I’m still single we can continue getting to know each other “

As I’ve learned through dating anything is possible and it’s important to never wait around hoping because it will drive you crazy.

Thanks for help and advice. Sorry I never sent you that dm, I have to pay for a subscription if I want that. I will in the future.

May 20, 2020

7 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Do you LEAD with "hey, I'm BiPolar"???? Why even bring that up at first. After doing too much yoga it's not out of the realm of possibility to feel bipolar. Again, how come you have to even mention it?

No I don’t lead with Bipolar and I’ve always brought it up at different points. There was a girl where I waited 3 months to tell, and when she wasn’t sure I simply reminded her that I’m still the same person she’s known for the last 3 months. That actually worked and any sooner scars girls away.

May 20, 2020

9 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

She called tonight

She said she is still has doubts for a few reasons.

1.) I'm bipolar (now before anyone puts a label on this, I've spent 6 years learning, seeing psychologists, taking mindfulness classes, yoga, and meditation and have worked hard to have a normal life.). When I tell girl this they don't hear this part, they just hear bi-polar. I've had two times where this was the reason the girl decided to quit seeing me.

2.) I'm from America and she is from here, born and raised.

3.) She doesn't know me that well yet.

I kept the conversation fun and light hearted and when it did move into a serious conversation I listened, provided feedback, and in the end I say it was a pleasure meeting you and to take care. She wished me well too.

I'm bipolar II and I can't change this, what I can change is when I tell girls(if I tell them at all) and how I broach the topic.

So, okay...

So, NOW I'd be annoyed...

Now this girl is going out of her way to call you, just to reiterate that she has "doubts about" you?

If a man did this to me, having already twice expressed "his doubts," I'm pretty sure I'd say calmly and cheerily, "Let me remove all doubt. We won't be seeing each other anymore. It's for the best, there are too many doubts and that tells me this is really not that best idea. Good luck and all the best."

I mean Jesus. Bye, Felicia.

May 20, 2020

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would be cautious about telling dates so early on about your mental health.

I don't mean that you should hide it, but I don't see how revealing that within a couple dates is necessary. It doesn't give someone a chance to really know you before labeling and possibly stigmatizing you.

I would too, TBH. You don't even know this person.

May 20, 2020

I am not sure if it is wise to hide a mental illness like Bipolar 2 from people you are considering seriously dating.
Allowing someone to get attached then spring "the surprise" is not really fair.
"I get a little anxious", "I can sometimes be a bit low", is OK, but IMO a proper psychiatric diagnosis needs brought to the fore sooner rather than later, as it can have a huge bearing on that relationship.

I think all three of her doubts are valid, so it may not be the Bipolar that was the real deal breaker.
In this multicultural world we like to assume all are happy dating outwith their own culture, but when it boils down to it many are not, they are happiest and most comfortable with their "own" people. You being American may have been more of an issue than you would think.
As for the she doesn't know you very well. I guess you pushed it, she had to resort to stopping you by standing up, that is not good... Making out is one thing, sex is another...
You failed to notice she was not ready to take it to the next level. She gets the impression you are all about sex, or you had to hit the third date sex target...

May 20, 2020

5 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

There was a point during the conversation where I asked if she wanted to continue to get to know me, and she paused for a long time. So I started laughing and said I got my answer. She laughed.

I sent this to her as I send to all girls when things end and I’m still interested

“I forgot to add, if you change your mind get ahold of me. If I’m still single we can continue getting to know each other “

Again, this is approval-seeking and supplicating. You are making her the prize, and leaving the decision in her hands, hoping she still likes you enough and decides to pick you. You are submitting to her frame. This basically translates to: "I'll be waiting here patiently and faithfully, eager to be available to you at the drop of a hat, whenever you decide to give me the opportunity to be graced by your company, your Highness."

It's not up to her whether you see each other again. It's up to YOU. YOU decide if she's worth YOUR time, YOU decide if she's good enough to be in YOUR company. YOU are the desirable one, YOU are the one who is chased. Not her. This is the confidence and self-assurance you need to adopt when dating.

When a girl rejects you (and this isn't a breakup, since you were never intimate -- this is a rejection), don't be sweet and send her emojis. The best response is "cool, no worries. Take care." And move on. There is no reason whatsoever a high-value guy, such as yourself, would be interested in getting to know this girl any more. You have too many other options. She had her chance with you, she blew it. Done. Next.

May 20, 2020

6 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

Thanks for help and advice. Sorry I never sent you that dm, I have to pay for a subscription if I want that. I will in the future.

You're welcome, and feel free to DM me anytime.

May 20, 2020

See, the reason I don’t think it’s necessary to share your diagnosis with people you first meet it’s not because I deny the validity of these terms. However, they’re just a cluster of criteria to help medical professionals treat a person more efficiently. Theres so much variance, but so much stigma attached to certain disorders that someone you just met will automatically associate you with another bipolar person they’ve known or what they’ve heard about it or seen in some movie, without really knowing you sometimes. You’re an individual and your ‘ symptoms’ may manifest themselves in a completely different way.
I think that it can be used to explain a behavior... or help a medical profession treat... but not necessarily for a second date... jmo

May 20, 2020

I agree with Cookies. Personal medical information is not something you need to give so early on, unless it's likely to affect you on the date - e.g. you have severe coeliac disease and can't eat in restaurants. Anything else might feel like oversharing or cause the other person to start making assumptions about you.

May 20, 2020

11 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

Thanks for help and advice. Sorry I never sent you that dm, I have to pay for a subscription if I want that. I will in the future.

Unless the rules have changed, you can DM once you have made 50 posts. If you want to Dm sooner, you pay.

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Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

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