Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

May 11, 2020

1 minute ago, Zona said:

I totally agree that men should get their confidence level up before getting into the dating pool. Spend time on improving yourself, getting skills and an education, getting a better job, and getting in better shape. Once you feel good about yourself, then you can date or not date as you see fit. If you go into the dating scene acting like a timid doormat, you're going to get eaten alive. I would advise all young men that if you get your dating advice from feminists, you will be setting yourself up for failure. Ignore them and do what's right for YOU, which is becoming a dominant assertive masculine man (not a selfish jerk!), but with a soft side too when appropriate. Bossing people around is a sign of weakness or insecurity, so always treat women with respect and be a good listener. An important aspect of masculinity is protecting and looking out for those around you, especially loved ones.

Lots of studies recently are showing that among millennials, around 20% of the men are getting 80% of the sex. Younger guys need to up their game so you are not left on the outside looking in (aka incel). Do you think these men are weak doormats, or confident, fit guys with a good career? The playing field does tend to level as you get into your mid 30's.

So true!

May 11, 2020

Well, it's been a couple days.........did she ever reply to the text? If not, I'd move on.

May 11, 2020

Folks, things went a little sideways here so I did some house cleaning and ask that we stay focused on the OPs unique situation.

We have plenty of general interest threads for general dating tips and blanket statements.

May 11, 2020

She responded that night and we had a date the next day.

She apologized for taking so long to reply and she was just busy deciding.

We spent most of the day kissing and she’s been texting me since then. We’re scheduled to meet up again Thursday night.

May 11, 2020

49 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

She responded that night and we had a date the next day.

She apologized for taking so long to reply and she was just busy deciding.

We spent most of the day kissing and she’s been texting me since then. We’re scheduled to meet up again Thursday night.

Woo hoo!!!!! Nice!!! So happy for you, OP! ETA: And happy for her, of course.

Edited May 11, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

May 12, 2020

We spoke on the phone tonight and she said that she starting to think we might not be a good match, but she’s not sure because we’ve only been on 2 dates.

I asked her why she thought this and she suggested we wait until our 3rd date so we could talk in person.

I know it’s not a full on rejection yet, however it’s never good when a women says this early on.

May 12, 2020

The push-pull continues. You need to get out of this, or else you will be in for some major heartache!

May 12, 2020

On 5/9/2020 at 2:15 PM, rkennedynl said:

I came home at 4am and received the following message "I made it home and am in my bed already. Wish the kissing never ended. Thanks again for the amazing evening and I hope to see you again very soon. Sweet dreams for now."

All systems go... or so it seems.

19 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

She responded that night and we had a date the next day.

She apologized for taking so long to reply and she was just busy deciding.

We spent most of the day kissing and she’s been texting me since then. We’re scheduled to meet up again Thursday night.

Here, she goes out of her way to let you know she is indecisive. Who does that, unless they want to make things awkward? On a second date, you decide in your own head, you don't tell your date what you're doing (and presumably he is doing the same).

Then she signals "all systems go" again by spending the day kissing.

14 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

We spoke on the phone tonight and she said that she starting to think we might not be a good match, but she’s not sure because we’ve only been on 2 dates.

Another s*** test. Again, who does this? You either go on date 3, keeping an open mind (or looking for confirmation of what you suspect) or you don't. But you don't tell your date this stuff.

She sounds like a major game-player, tbh. This will be the woman who threatens to break up over every dispute, no matter how minor. Stick around, and you will be her doormat.

May 12, 2020

Agree^^! Push/Pull at it's finest!

Please do not allow her to jerk you around like that, sheesh!

I don't mean to insult you, but grow a backbone, please! Wish her well and be on your way, women like her REALLY give the rest of us a bad name!

Edited May 12, 2020 by poppyfields

May 12, 2020

She was "busy deciding" because, I'm surmising, you're really not being assertive and behaving like a high-value guy. A woman with high interest doesn't take a day to decide if she'll go on another date with you.

Sounds like you're just making out, and not escalating it into sex. It also sounds like you're communicating with her wayyyy too much at this phase of the courtship. Texting, phone calls, etc when you should be using the phone to set dates only, and add a bit of mystery and suspense for her. It sounds like you're coming off as a little too eager.

Don't communicate with her until the 3rd date. Time your time responding to her texts in the meantime, and respond curtly or with an emoji or something. Remember, you're busy and you've got other things going on, and you've got a date on the calendar. There's no reason to communicate in the downtime. Create some mystery. Let her wonder about you. The more she wonders about you, the more interested she'll be.

Edited May 13, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 12, 2020

OP, you mentioned that she's direct and to the point. From my perspective her behaviour looks anything but direct and to the point.

It's a given that in the early stages of dating both people will be making up their minds about each other. No one can be sure on the second date that they want a relationship with this person. So why make a point of saying it? Along with her other comment about delaying her reply because she was "deciding", it sounds as if she's trying to make you wait in suspense.

That isn't a sign of a direct or even blunt personality. That's game-playing, and it's an unattractive look in anyone, man or woman. Remember you also need to be deciding if this is someone you want in your life.

May 12, 2020

2 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

She was "busy deciding" because, I'm surmising, you're really not being assertive and behaving like a high-value guy. A woman with high interest doesn't take a day to decide if she'll go on another date with you.

Sounds like you're just making out, and not escalating it into sex. It also sounds like you're communicating with her wayyyy too much at this phase of the courtship. Texting, phone calls, etc when you should be using the phone to set dates only, and add a bit of mystery and suspense for her. It sounds like you're coming off as a little to eager.

Look, I get this is going to trigger some posters lurking on this thread who want to burn down a misogynist straw man with their torches and pitchforks. But I'm telling you dude, from experience -- be a masculine, dominant, high-value guy who asserts himself. It's not games or misogyny. Women respond to this behavior. Unless you want to keep listening to feminist dating advice and keep striking out with women -- if so, that's fine too. It's your life.

Don't communicate with her until the 3rd date. Time your time responding to her texts in the meantime, and respond curtly or with an emoji or something. Remember, you're busy and you've got other things going on, and you've got a date on the calendar. There's no reason to communicate in the downtime. Create some mystery. Let her wonder about you. The she wonders about you, the more interested she'll be.

Set the 3rd date at a venue that is close to your apartment, so you can bring her there and seduce her.

Do NOT talk about the state of your relationship on the date. You don't have a relationship, you are just dating. Be charming, funny, playfully non-compliant and snarky, and LEAD the interaction to sex. 8th grade kids spend the afternoon making out in the park. Adults have sex.

Good luck brother!! Get after it!!

This is the approach I usually take. I’ve never met someone so forward.

For the 3rd date I’m finding it difficult to locate a venue because of Covid. I did find a small fire pit that I can put on my bike. It’s still very cold here so anything outside will require warmth. I’m thinking of doing dinner at my place as well.

She is texting me every day at this point which I’m not used to and will have to exercise restraint on response times. I started a routine so sticking to it and not breaking it to talk with her will help keep the mystery and keep me focused on my goals and purpose.

Thanks for the reminder of the rules I need to be following!

May 12, 2020

15 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Create some mystery. Let her wonder about you. The more she wonders about you, the more interested she'll be.

Do NOT talk about the state of your relationship on the date. You don't have a relationship, you are just dating.

Be charming, funny, playfully non-compliant and snarky.

It's funny, while you were posting rjc, I was thinking -- where is rjc149? I'm sure he'd have a few things to say about this! Lol

Anyway, what's quoted above is what I think would be useful to the OP while still maintaining his authenticity and being true to himself and his own nature and values.

OP, take note. Most women love to laugh, be playful and banter. So make her laugh, tease her a bit!

Everything sounds so serious and you've only had two dates! Lighten it up.

Edited May 12, 2020 by poppyfields

May 12, 2020

6 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

For the 3rd date I’m finding it difficult to locate a venue because of Covid. ... I’m thinking of doing dinner at my place as well.

Venue logistics have a huge impact on the success of dates, and whether sex can take place. I think for a 3rd date, when physical attraction has been expressed, could be appropriate to invite her to your house. I would, however, suggest trying to find a public venue nearby.

Yes, exercise restraint. If she sends a text that isn't a direct question, don't respond to it. Always let her be the last to text in an exchange. Take a few hours to respond. Remember, she isn't your girlfriend and she seems to be wishy-washy about you. Be a little bit aloof and hard-to-pin.

Edited May 12, 2020 by rjc149

May 12, 2020

Op you’re starting to fall into the same trap as your last thread. You’re letting her be the dictator and you’re not asserting yourself at all. You’re following her lead and doing everything that SHE wants.

This approach will not work for you. She’ll either take advantage of you and treat you how she pleases ( like the last one) or she’ll lose respect for you and the 3rd date will be your last.

Adopt rjc’s advice, assert yourself and don’t be a doormat. Women find that sexy!

I keep saying this to you but I’ll say it again:

Know your worth and respect yourself. if you can do this assertion will come naturally to you.

May 12, 2020

45 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op you’re starting to fall into the same trap as your last thread. You’re letting her be the dictator and you’re not asserting yourself at all. You’re following her lead and doing everything that SHE wants.

This approach will not work for you. She’ll either take advantage of you and treat you how she pleases ( like the last one) or she’ll lose respect for you and the 3rd date will be your last.

Adopt rjc’s advice, assert yourself and don’t be a doormat. Women find that sexy!

I keep saying this to you but I’ll say it again:

Know your worth and respect yourself. if you can do this assertion will come naturally to you.

Thank you, I will definitely follow this advice because I already know what will happen if I don't.

Thanks again Rjc and Calmandfocused

May 12, 2020

Question:

When she sends me the random text asking how is my day going, I respond. Do I then ask her how her day is going?

May 12, 2020

When I go on this 3rd date and she starts to ask these hard questions, I'm going to keep my responses fun, positive and light hearted for right now. I will deflect with a smirk and treat her like a bratty little sister.

It's too soon to even discuss a relationship, I'm just looking to have fun. I don't even know this girl well enough yet to know if she would be a good match. I will approach this with the mindset of creating a love story for her. Creating anticipation, get her to wonder what's going to happen next and when will she actually hear from me. I'll be sure to handle myself differently with her then the way I've been on the previous two dates, knowing I can walk away at any point if I don't like the way things are going.

If she messages me between now and Friday I will keep my responses to a minimum, positive, fun and light hearted. I will respond when I'm not busy because I am a busy guy with a lot to do. I won't message her first.

Any tips on questions that a women would enjoy answering, that will keep her talking?

May 12, 2020

58 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

Question:

When she sends me the random text asking how is my day going, I respond. Do I then ask her how her day is going?

"Not too shabby, just doing [xyz]. How's yours?"

May 12, 2020

17 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

When I go on this 3rd date and she starts to ask these hard questions, I'm going to keep my responses fun, positive and light hearted for right now. I will deflect with a smirk and treat her like a bratty little sister.

Make sure you're playful and teasing about it. It's easy to come off as condescending and dismissive. Just make sure you're engaging her, being flirty, and not taking things too seriously.

If she starts asking you all of these serious interview questions, and isn't responding well to your playful non-compliance, you can simply say "look, I'm here to have a good time with you and not be interrogated, so I would actually appreciate it if you stopped. It's kind of killing my mood. Cool?"

Then brush it off, pretend it never happened, and keep having fun.

And if she starts being rude or disrespectful, don't be afraid to smile, toss a $20 bill on the table, say "thanks for getting the rest" and walk out the door.

Edited May 13, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

May 12, 2020

19 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

When I go on this 3rd date and she starts to ask these hard questions, I'm going to keep my responses fun, positive and light hearted for right now. I will deflect with a smirk and treat her like a bratty little sister.

It's too soon to even discuss a relationship, I'm just looking to have fun. I don't even know this girl well enough yet to know if she would be a good match. I will approach this with the mindset of creating a love story for her. Creating anticipation, get her to wonder what's going to happen next and when will she actually hear from me. I'll be sure to handle myself differently with her then the way I've been on the previous two dates, knowing I can walk away at any point if I don't like the way things are going.

If she messages me between now and Friday I will keep my responses to a minimum, positive, fun and light hearted. I will respond when I'm not busy because I am a busy guy with a lot to do. I won't message her first.

Any tips on questions that a women would enjoy answering, that will keep her talking?

If you have to plan out what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, you're already not being light-hearted. Light-heartedness arises on the spur of the moment.

Obviously everyone wants to appear at their best when they start dating someone, but for things to work out long-term it has to be an authentic best, not an act. Is treating a date "like a bratty little sister" a.) the sort of thing you normally do or b.) you at your best? I doubt it. I mean no disrespect, but it sounds as if you're in danger of swinging too far the other way and going from being very passive to coming across as quite obnoxious. Both these things are linked to lack of self-confidence. It also sounds as if you're unclear about what you yourself want and value, as earlier on you were saying how much you appreciated her tough questions, whereas now you're planning to smirk at them and treat her as an immature child.

People pick up on it if you're putting on a show or trying to engineer your behaviour to get what you want out of them. I know it sounds cliched and hackneyed, but just being your usual self seems like a more sensible plan.

May 12, 2020

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

If you have to plan out what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, you're already not being light-hearted. Light-heartedness arises on the spur of the moment.

Obviously everyone wants to appear at their best when they start dating someone, but for things to work out long-term it has to be an authentic best, not an act. Is treating a date "like a bratty little sister" a.) the sort of thing you normally do or b.) you at your best? I doubt it. I mean no disrespect, but it sounds as if you're in danger of swinging too far the other way and going from being very passive to coming across as quite obnoxious. Both these things are linked to lack of self-confidence. It also sounds as if you're unclear about what you yourself want and value, as earlier on you were saying how much you appreciated her tough questions, whereas now you're planning to smirk at them and treat her as an immature child.

People pick up on it if you're putting on a show or trying to engineer your behaviour to get what you want out of them. I know it sounds cliched and hackneyed, but just being your usual self seems like a more sensible plan.

Yeah, she’s told me already that she feels like she can open up with me. This comes from listening, being a playful smart ass, and having what other women have called a silver tongue. This is my authenticate self, and it’s clear it’s creating attraction.

At one point I called her out on asking her hard questions. I forgot what I said but she said she usually doesn’t ask these questions so soon and the only reason why she’s doing this is because I’m making her feel really comfortable.

I know there’s a lot I still have to learn.

Thanks again for your advice and I’ll make sure to keep being authenticate. Keeping the mind set of not being a doormat and it’s ok to walk away will help if she does get disrespectful. Living my private life to my true potential will help keep my confidence up.

May 13, 2020

22 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

At one point I called her out on asking her hard questions. I forgot what I said but she said she usually doesn’t ask these questions so soon and the only reason why she’s doing this is because I’m making her feel really comfortable.

Not good if a woman you are dating feels that comfortable with you so soon. You don’t want to be her gay male girlfriend or her brother. You want to make her feel comfortable opening up to you a bit, but not comfortable enough to start grilling you on why you’d make a good partner. You don’t want her to be too comfortable to have respect for you.

You know how you’d feel if you were on a date with a really beautiful woman? A bit nervous and intimidated, but excited? That’s how you want her to feel about you. You want her hoping that you like her and find her attractive. Not the other way around.

One way to set the dominant frame is to playfully joke that she is trying to get into your pants. Say things like “whoa easy there, I’m not that kind of guy!” or “do you say that to all the guys?” Things like that will flip the chase frame around, and usually be pretty funny. Be a little cocky and snarky like that, like you are the prize. Chicks dig that.

Edited May 13, 2020 by rjc149

May 13, 2020

7 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Not good if a woman you are dating feels that comfortable with you so soon. You don’t want to be her gay male girlfriend or her brother. You want to make her feel comfortable opening up to you a bit, but not comfortable enough to start grilling you on why you’d make a good partner. You don’t want her to be too comfortable to have respect for you.

You know how you’d feel if you were on a date with a really beautiful woman? A bit nervous and intimidated, but excited? That’s how you want her to feel about you. You want her hoping that you like her and find her attractive. Not the other way around.

One way to set the dominant frame is to playfully joke that she is trying to get into your pants. Say things like “whoa easy there, I’m not that kind of guy!” or “do you say that to all the guys?” Things like that will flip the chase frame around, and usually be pretty funny.

Hahaha, I’ve actually said this to girls in the past. It’s always nice when they playfully hit you after.

I’m still a little salty from the last girl who disrespected me. The one we were chatting about on the last thread. It’s throwing me off my game a little.

I always thought it was great if a girl felt comfortable to open up so soon, but what you’re saying makes a lot of sense.

May 13, 2020

3 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

Hahaha, I’ve actually said this to girls in the past. It’s always nice when they playfully hit you after.

I’m still a little salty from the last girl who disrespected me. The one we were chatting about on the last thread. It’s throwing me off my game a little.

I always thought it was great if a girl felt comfortable to open up so soon, but what you’re saying makes a lot of sense.

Every failure makes you better, not worse. This is a skill that you can learn and practice and improve. Keep stepping up to the plate.

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Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

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