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Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

rkennedynl

By rkennedynl
in Dating

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Tristian
Message added by Tristian

Folks, things went a little sideways here so I did some house cleaning and ask that we stay focused on the OPs unique situation.

We have plenty of general interest threads for general dating tips, blanket statements and pick-up lines.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

Posted
Posted

After weeks on lockdown, there's bound to be a lot more smooching on first dates; probably best not to read too much into it, but it makes sense that you'd want to see her asap after what sounds like a good first date from your perspective. And to be fair to you, she did give you the green light to set up a second date.

No advice since it's all out of your hands now; just a bit of patience. 

CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted
Just now, manfrombelow said:

Well, if a girl considers me "lukewarm" just because I refuse to act needy and clingy by waiting for one week before giving her the privilige of meeting and dating me again, after a "successful 1st date" that obviously she and I both enjoyed, that means she's low quality woman and I don't need to give her my time anyway. She's not worth it.

Okay! Then you are not a match. :) I am a woman. I consider a guy who can wait a week without grabbing me again to be not really passionate enough. I figure it won't get much better from there and it feels dreary. Everyone is different. You will one your perfect match, but it won't be because all women respond to some exact formula. We definitely don't. Some women just won't wait around for a "meh, I'll get to her when I get to her" guy. 

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CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted

So, OP...I wouldn't overthink it. It sounds like you were both nervous. If she was asking questions like that then she's probably a little socially awkward and just had those in her back pocket, so to speak, in case of a lag in the conversation. She may be interested, she may not be. You already told her you're interested so the ball is in her court. I wouldn't ask again. Just see what happens. I know that can be hard if you really like someone but it is what it is...good luck.

Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

Posted
Posted

I agree with manfrombelow.........next time, wait a week. Don't be so easy.

But since you already asked this one, wait 24 hours for a reply.

  • Like 1
manfrombelow Established Member

manfrombelow

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

I agree with manfrombelow.........next time, wait a week. Don't be so easy.

But since you already asked this one, wait 24 hours for a reply.

I think because OP made a mistake of acting too needy too soon, from now on it has to be 100% of effort from her side. It's that, or nothing.

Meanwhile, OP should start seeing, dating and hooking up with other women, instead of waiting for this particular one.

Edited by manfrombelow
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

I agree about the lazy comment, missed that first time around.  BUT let's not forget that they had an intense 30 min make out session and SHE initiated a thank you text when she got home AFTER he made the LAZY comment, right?

So surely there's "something" there. 

I disagree with waiting a week after first date to reach out again!  Where/who is this advice coming from?  Some PUA website or something?  Lol

Please OP, don't play that game. 2-3 days tops to reach out again, that way you don't come off too eager while still showing interest.

When there's chemistry and a strong momentum, ya gotta keep it going! 

Waiting a week breaks that momemtum, it's about balance and after such a hot date with 30 min of kissing, and her initiating text when she got home (both of which reflect high interest) one week is just too long. 

Don't be "that" guy.

And relax!  :D

Edited by poppyfields
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Where/who is this advice coming from?  Some PUA website or something?

Bingo!
They are looking for desperate damaged women with no options who will be waiting patiently for that call...

Edited by elaine567
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CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Bingo!
The are looking for desperate damaged women with no options who will be waiting patiently for that call...

Oh God... 😂😂😂😂 Not the damaged woman part, that part isn't funny. Laughing more at myself. I'm dense.

Still get a projection vibe though.

I really think both the OP and the girl sound a bit nervous n awkward. Let us know, OP. You could wait like a couple days next time if this one doesn't pan out...but don't be too formulaic...you will only end up feeling wooden about all of it and possibly missing your chance. Then right woman will be as into it as you are.

Edited by CaliforniaGirl
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yup except it's more like waiting "anxiously" for his call because she has no other options, ugh. 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Confused 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Oh God... 😂😂😂😂

CG, I think I may know you!  :D

CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yup except it's more like waiting "anxiously" for his call because she has no other options, ugh. 

See...exactly...I mean how.is any of this satisfying....for anybody...oh well...what do I know? 😅

  • Thanks 1
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted

If the girl likes you, asking her for another date immediately after the first or even at the end of the first is fine. I do it all the time and invariably, I get at least a second date. IF SHE REALLY LIKES YOU. I feel most people get a sense if you are needy or not during the date and your quick request for a date is not necessarily the act that would cause them to suddenly realize you are needy. Wait 1-2 full days tops and then move on. 

Making out and getting an end of date text doesn't mean much more than the fact that they may have been 'in the moment.' 

More women (people) should come right out and ask what the other person wants in a relationship. Perhaps not what they have to bring to the table, rather, more gently, "So, what are you wanting in a relationship?" I would imagine that her bluntness is a combination of culture AND being tired of all the jack-wagons out there she has met. 

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simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

Posted
Posted

Why oh why does dating have to be this complicated, it's almost as complex trying to breakdown a playbook. If A does this, then B does that.....oh man

  • Like 1
balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Why oh why does dating have to be this complicated, it's almost as complex trying to breakdown a playbook. If A does this, then B does that.....oh man

I met my bf on Bumble. He's the first and only person I've met through OLD. I had a great time on the first date, and I planned to ask him by text if he wanted to meet again (so as to save him the embarrassment of saying no in person if I was reading him wrong and he wasn't interested). There was no need for that, because at the end of the date he asked me if I wanted to meet again. He certainly didn't come across as needy. He came across as a straightforward guy who has the confidence to say what he wants. Straightforwardness and simplicity are attractive qualities.

Edited by balletomane
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CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

If the girl likes you, asking her for another date immediately after the first or even at the end of the first is fine. I do it all the time and invariably, I get at least a second date. IF SHE REALLY LIKES YOU. I feel most people get a sense if you are needy or not during the date and your quick request for a date is not necessarily the act that would cause them to suddenly realize you are needy. Wait 1-2 full days tops and then move on. 

Making out and getting an end of date text doesn't mean much more than the fact that they may have been 'in the moment.' 

More women (people) should come right out and ask what the other person wants in a relationship. Perhaps not what they have to bring to the table, rather, more gently, "So, what are you wanting in a relationship?" I would imagine that her bluntness is a combination of culture AND being tired of all the jack-wagons out there she has met. 

Damn.

Sensible, calm, confident.

What the hell are you doing here?

Edited by CaliforniaGirl
  • Like 1
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Damn.

Sensible, calm, confident.

What the hell are you doing here?

Sustaining a relationship is a WHOLE different story. So many other circumstances and details follow after a certain period of dating that one may find unacceptable. OR...just sharing some ideas/advice. :)

  • Like 2
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rkennedynl Member

rkennedynl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
22 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I like her. I find very few women who are bold enough to ask the really important questions. Especially when you are looking for life-long partner. Too many women are wishy-washy and not direct. They NEED to put men on alert that they are not going to fall for any fairy-tale illusion. And dates are naturally about Q&A. Some think of them as like a job-interview, but nah. Regardless of what questions you ask, the point of dating is to find out as much about someone before making big decisions. 

I remember your last thread. I hope this works out for you, but wait till the day is over or until tomorrow. I suspect she is mulling over the date and other men she is considering. The key is to bring your A-game. Did you feel you did? Did you tell her that you were 'lazy?' Don't use that word next time. Most people, including me, don't want to hear that you would like to make changes, but you are lazy. People want to know if you ARE making changes, or have, and move forward with that ambition. For far too many people, they are looking for someone to help them make the right decisions, inspire them.

Quote

There is enough pressure in relationships than to feel that one's presence will be the spark you need to continue making or even starting to make changes. 

Thank you for this!  I see that I have to fix parts about me, for my own security and that of a future partner.   

I agree, it was nice to be with someone who was bold for a change.  It kept me on my toes.  

I did not bring my A game and saying I was lazy was not a good move.  

 

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

You don't ask her out again the next day after the 1st date because it communicates neediness and weak behaviour.

You should have waited at least one week before asking her out again.

Women punish weak behaviours in a guy by ignoring him and reward strong, masculine and alpha behaviours in a guy by pursuing him.

Have to call BS on that, it sounds like game playing and even PUA advice, and very insecure.  As if there is some magic number of days you wait to go from weak to strong.  Frankly, if your manliness is so in doubt in her head that how many days you wait makes the difference in what she thinks of you, then you got bigger problems my friend.  It is in the date where you impress or fail to impress her.

So I kind of think you got things reversed.  Men who play games are perceived as weak and insecure.  Men who are bold are perceived as strong and secure.

Of course it all depends on the women you seek, if you seek women who really would put you in the weak bucket based on how long you wait to ask her out, or who is happy to wait for your call a week or more in the future (and she is available) then go for it. 

  • Like 4
SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, rkennedynl said:

I agree, it was nice to be with someone who was bold for a change.  It kept me on my toes.  

I did not bring my A game and saying I was lazy was not a good move.  

You never know.  It may have nothing to do with you, so won't get into details on the response and such.  Count the good that did come out of it.  The amazing make out session and how she had a amazing time are good things.

I think it was good to ask her out the next day, but would wait a couple days before reaching out again.   I find it is also good to lead in with ways for them to save face and let them know any answer they give is cool.   "Realize life can get busy, keep thinking how great a time we had last xx. Still interested in getting together this weekend?  Know things happen and minds change, so cool if you changed your mind, no hard feelings, just let me know by Thursday if interested in getting together again." 

Stuff like that, think it works on Nederlands women as well...of course have only had one Nederlands girlfriend :), and she was very no BS like you mentioned.  The weekend and Thursday thing are just an example times.  I avoid setting a time for a date more than a week out and like to give a day or two for them to think on it but need to know at least a day in advance if it is no.  Since you are up in the air I avoid mentioning a specific weekend day and time so if she is in to you she can suggest the one that works and if she gets back to after Thursday you have some flexibility to make it happen (if you want) without bending over backwards for her.

The general idea is you like her, you are willing to let her know and being open in your communication, no games, like and adult.  You are mature and confident enough to not be bent out of shape by her lack of response (you'd be surprised how very rare that is) and also realize she doesn't want to go out with you it is happens, no big deal.   But you are also not waiting around for her to pick you, hence the let me know by Thursday.  It behooves you to then set up plans with your friends or have a back-up plan for the weekend.  My friends are chill so if I said, hey what are you guys doing Friday or Saturday night, can I let you know Thursday if could join you that would be no problem. 

I also would not cancel on my friends if she got back to me after "Thursday" with a conflicting idea.  I would have a plan ready in case she did, that is an idea for something I'd like to do on a non-conflicting day/time...one that provides opportunities to make out.  If she really wants to do something at a time that conflicts then would ask her what she is thinking and then let her know it sounds interesting (if it does) and you need to check quick on your plans OR propose another day and time (again have a back up ready for during the week or the following weekend).  What you do if she got back to you after "Thursday" is more your call, her proposal may be pretty clear she is in to you but maybe you think that is too flaky..no simple answers on that scenario I am afraid.

It's also not like you need to reserve these back ups for her, they are just part of your list of ready ideas for any woman you meet.  Shows you have your finger on the pulse of fun things to do.

However, after a follow up e-mail if you don't hear back I would just move on.  

Doei

  • Like 1
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

There is no such thing as acting needy. You either are needy and clingy ... or not. A next day call could be a sign of total confidence.

  • Like 4
Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted

Unfortunately it depends on how attracted to you she is.  Has she texted you back yet?  If I really liked a guy I had a fantastic date with I would have texted back within 15 minutes -we all have our phones on us all of the time.

  • Like 1
rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But gotta admit, if I asked a man that question while talking and trying to  connect, and he responded with a smirk replying "really?" and changed the subject, I would have felt dismissed and perhaps even disrespected. 

That sort of evasiveness does not appeal to me and sends me the covert message he may possibly be an avoidant and/or has issues with closeness and being open. 

He may not, but that is how I I would have taken it. 

I am avoidant, I do have intimacy issues and I am uncomfortable with closeness. You've got me pegged pretty well, lol.

Maybe not an outright dismissal, and certainly not saying anything that may come off sneering or arrogant, but when a woman on a date is basically asking the OP "why should I like you?" he should have flipped the frame right back onto her "no no, what do YOU bring to the table?" Or, answered with something flirty or snarky "um, I brought my drink" etc. The last thing he would want to respond is "well, I'm kind, laid back, funny, I have a good job, I'd make a great boyfriend oh please please please approve of me!"

OP, if your invitation was blown off, try again in a week. If your text has gone ignored, don't reach out again. Next. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Unfortunately it depends on how attracted to you she is.  Has she texted you back yet?  If I really liked a guy I had a fantastic date with I would have texted back within 15 minutes -we all have our phones on us all of the time.

I know, right?  That is what is so boggling about OLDing, why I never really liked it or trusted the men I met that way.

I mean this girl, intense kissing for 30, a text when she got home saying she wished it lasted longer!  

Then nothing back?  Ghosting?

I just don't get some people, it makes no sense!!  

Except she is probably dating others, and decided to get with another guy, but who the hell knows.  

Mind boggling.

Edited by poppyfields
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

rjc149, the OP "did" flip it back, he asked her the same question. 

To clarify, it was not a question I would have asked, but given the kissing and her text, it does not appear him answering it bothered her or turned her off.

Again in context, it could have been appropriate for the conversation, I wasn't there.

MimiCupid82 Member

MimiCupid82

Posted
Posted
On 5/9/2020 at 1:15 PM, rkennedynl said:

I met a girl on Bumble.  We agreed that if the video chat went well we would transition to a physical date. 

It went well and I took her to a golf course to watch the moon rise.  I brought a blanket, bottle of wine, and some 1 euro candles.  

During the date she asked me some hard questions like what do I bring to the table, am I insecure about not having a degree, and do I do a lot of dating. 

I let her know I bring me (my ambition, love, and desire to grow to the table), I'm insecure because I'm not living to my true potential because I'm lazy but want to break the habit and become a better person, and that I do date a lot but I do it with class.  I told her about the advice someone gave me about going on 100 first dates. 

I then flipped it on her to ask the same questions. 

When the moment struck, I told her I don't usually kiss on the first date and I was finding it hard to resist.  She said why don't you just kiss me.  So I kissed her.  We ended up kissing off and on for a few hours.  The date ended and we ended up making out at the bridge for almost 30 minutes before I told her I have to go but don't worry she would see me again. 

I came home at 4am and received the following message "I made it home and am in my bed already.  Wish the kissing never ended. Thanks again for the amazing evening and I hope to see you again very soon.  Sweet dreams for now."

I responded with " Glad you made it home safe and yes wish the kissing never ended as well.  Sweet dreams"

I then sent her a message at 11:30 am this morning asking her if she wanted to hang out tomorrow to go for a walk or bike ride.

No response...  That was over 8 hours ago.  

 

I was thinking about waiting until Wednesday to attempt to set up a date for next weekend and if she doesn't respond then just walk away. 

 

Your thoughts? 

You may need to give her some more time. She’s probably just trying to sort out her feelings. Go slow and just be patient. 

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