Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

May 9, 2020

I met a girl on Bumble. We agreed that if the video chat went well we would transition to a physical date.

It went well and I took her to a golf course to watch the moon rise. I brought a blanket, bottle of wine, and some 1 euro candles.

During the date she asked me some hard questions like what do I bring to the table, am I insecure about not having a degree, and do I do a lot of dating.

I let her know I bring me (my ambition, love, and desire to grow to the table), I'm insecure because I'm not living to my true potential because I'm lazy but want to break the habit and become a better person, and that I do date a lot but I do it with class. I told her about the advice someone gave me about going on 100 first dates.

I then flipped it on her to ask the same questions.

When the moment struck, I told her I don't usually kiss on the first date and I was finding it hard to resist. She said why don't you just kiss me. So I kissed her. We ended up kissing off and on for a few hours. The date ended and we ended up making out at the bridge for almost 30 minutes before I told her I have to go but don't worry she would see me again.

I came home at 4am and received the following message "I made it home and am in my bed already. Wish the kissing never ended. Thanks again for the amazing evening and I hope to see you again very soon. Sweet dreams for now."

I responded with " Glad you made it home safe and yes wish the kissing never ended as well. Sweet dreams"

I then sent her a message at 11:30 am this morning asking her if she wanted to hang out tomorrow to go for a walk or bike ride.

No response... That was over 8 hours ago.

I was thinking about waiting until Wednesday to attempt to set up a date for next weekend and if she doesn't respond then just walk away.

Your thoughts?

Edited May 9, 2020 by rkennedynl

May 9, 2020

You are moving a bit fast. Just because she didn't reply to you the very next day doesn't necessarily mean she's ghosting you. Give it another couple days. If she still does not reply to you, then she's ghosting you. She's not interested. Move on.

I just have to say, I think the way she asked you "So what do you bring to the table?" and asking you if you are insecure are very weird questions. This is not a job interview. She sounds kind of harsh and demanding.

May 9, 2020

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You are moving a bit fast. Just because she didn't reply to you the very next day doesn't necessarily mean she's ghosting you. Give it another couple days. If she still does not reply to you, then she's ghosting you. She's not interested. Move on.

I just have to say, I think the way she asked you "So what do you bring to the table?" and asking you if you are insecure are very weird questions. This is not a job interview. She sounds kind of harsh and demanding.

That's the Dutch girls. Very direct and no BS.

I told her at one point, oh sorry I forgot to wear my suit and tie (With a half smile)

May 9, 2020

I like her. I find very few women who are bold enough to ask the really important questions. Especially when you are looking for life-long partner. Too many women are wishy-washy and not direct. They NEED to put men on alert that they are not going to fall for any fairy-tale illusion. And dates are naturally about Q&A. Some think of them as like a job-interview, but nah. Regardless of what questions you ask, the point of dating is to find out as much about someone before making big decisions.

I remember your last thread. I hope this works out for you, but wait till the day is over or until tomorrow. I suspect she is mulling over the date and other men she is considering. The key is to bring your A-game. Did you feel you did? Did you tell her that you were 'lazy?' Don't use that word next time. Most people, including me, don't want to hear that you would like to make changes, but you are lazy. People want to know if you ARE making changes, or have, and move forward with that ambition. For far too many people, they are looking for someone to help them make the right decisions, inspire them. There is enough pressure in relationships than to feel that one's presence will be the spark you need to continue making or even starting to make changes.

May 9, 2020

I think your plan to reach out one more time then give up is sensible.

May 9, 2020

2 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

During the date she asked me some hard questions like what do I bring to the table, am I insecure about not having a degree, and do I do a lot of dating.

I would have smirked at her with a "really?" look on my face and changed the subject, or immediately flipped the questions back on her. She asks you what you do for a living, where you're from, your favorite TV shows, fine, but do NOT submit to questions like "what do you bring to the table" by complying and answering them. That's weak and you are seeking her approval. You are in a "ooh pick me pick me!" mindset. You are submitting to her frame. Re-take the frame, and lead the conversation. Be dominant. Make her seek YOUR approval.

2 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

When the moment struck, I told her I don't usually kiss on the first date and I was finding it hard to resist. She said why don't you just kiss me. So I kissed her.

When the moment strikes, just kiss her. Take the initiative, lead, assert yourself. A man goes for what he wants. She shouldn't have to ask you or give you permission. Better to apologize than ask for permission.

Then, there was the 11:30 AM text the very next morning, asking her out again. Wayyy to soon. That's needy and insecure. It would have been better to wait a week, let her wonder about you, and then ask her for a 2nd date.

I would back off, wait for a response. She got your text, she doesn't need a reminder. You acted a little needy here dude, so I would create some space. I wouldn't keep trying to put her into your schedule for this weekend. If she doesn't respond, no worries, you make other plans for this weekend, and try her again next weekend. With a definite plan and date. "Hey, free for a drink at Moe's on Friday evening?"

If no response to that, then next her and move on.

May 9, 2020

3 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

I met a girl on Bumble. We agreed that if the video chat went well we would transition to a physical date.

It went well and I took her to a golf course to watch the moon rise. I brought a blanket, bottle of wine, and some 1 euro candles.

During the date she asked me some hard questions like what do I bring to the table, am I insecure about not having a degree, and do I do a lot of dating.

I let her know I bring me (my ambition, love, and desire to grow to the table), I'm insecure because I'm not living to my true potential because I'm lazy but want to break the habit and become a better person, and that I do date a lot but I do it with class. I told her about the advice someone gave me about going on 100 first dates.

I then flipped it on her to ask the same questions.

When the moment struck, I told her I don't usually kiss on the first date and I was finding it hard to resist. She said why don't you just kiss me. So I kissed her. We ended up kissing off and on for a few hours. The date ended and we ended up making out at the bridge for almost 30 minutes before I told her I have to go but don't worry she would see me again.

I came home at 4am and received the following message "I made it home and am in my bed already. Wish the kissing never ended. Thanks again for the amazing evening and I hope to see you again very soon. Sweet dreams for now."

I responded with " Glad you made it home safe and yes wish the kissing never ended as well. Sweet dreams"

I think this^ sounds extremely positive. I highly doubt she would have initiated a text like that if there were not a strong attraction.

My only advice would be to relax, embrace the uncertainty of not knowing what the H will happen (cause you don't) and remain detached from the outcome. Let it take you wherever it's meant to take you, gradually and naturally, don't try to force anything.

I'd like to address rjc149's post cause imo he gives great advice.

And HIS style is right on par with the style of man I like. And no doubt other women like. Strong, take-charge, assertive, no nonsense, dominant.

But not all women go for that, and I think it's important to be authentic and real. If you don't possess those qualities, that is okay!

When this woman asked what you brought to the table and you answered, obviously she liked your answer and liked you tossing the same question back at her; she spent 30 minutes in an intense make-out session with you! And initiated the text when she arrived home.

Clearly you did something right!

Just don't be a doormat, or white knight. Maintain strong boundaries and you should be fine.

Oh and don't let anxiety and fear drive your ship, kiss of death!

Always try and maintain an air of confidence and always be your authentic self.

I've had guys employ the tactics rjc149 discussed, problem was it wasn't who they were, they were pretending in a sense, and it came off awkward and contrived. Turn off!!

I have NO doubt that IS who rjc149 is, so he is being authentic and real, which is why is works so well for him!

Lastly, I would advise waiting to hear back to your first message before reaching out again.

My sense is that she may be busy tomorrow and some women find it difficult to say no.

But if she is still interested, she WILL respond back to you or should.

Remember, don't push it or force it and try to remain detached from any particular outcome. Maintain some distance and keep her wondering a bit, it builds attraction. Early stages anyway.

Hope that made sense and sorry so long!!

Edited May 9, 2020 by poppyfields

May 9, 2020

3 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

I met a girl on Bumble. We agreed that if the video chat went well we would transition to a physical date.

It went well and I took her to a golf course to watch the moon rise. I brought a blanket, bottle of wine, and some 1 euro candles.

During the date she asked me some hard questions like what do I bring to the table, am I insecure about not having a degree, and do I do a lot of dating.

I let her know I bring me (my ambition, love, and desire to grow to the table), I'm insecure because I'm not living to my true potential because I'm lazy but want to break the habit and become a better person, and that I do date a lot but I do it with class. I told her about the advice someone gave me about going on 100 first dates.

I then flipped it on her to ask the same questions.

When the moment struck, I told her I don't usually kiss on the first date and I was finding it hard to resist. She said why don't you just kiss me. So I kissed her. We ended up kissing off and on for a few hours. The date ended and we ended up making out at the bridge for almost 30 minutes before I told her I have to go but don't worry she would see me again.

I came home at 4am and received the following message "I made it home and am in my bed already. Wish the kissing never ended. Thanks again for the amazing evening and I hope to see you again very soon. Sweet dreams for now."

I responded with " Glad you made it home safe and yes wish the kissing never ended as well. Sweet dreams"

I then sent her a message at 11:30 am this morning asking her if she wanted to hang out tomorrow to go for a walk or bike ride.

No response... That was over 8 hours ago.

I was thinking about waiting until Wednesday to attempt to set up a date for next weekend and if she doesn't respond then just walk away.

Your thoughts?

I always think most women if they like a guy would want to go on lots of dates and be glad if he took the initiative to ask . But i do think in this case you asked to see her again way too soon. Even if you are sought after by multiple women and are popular, messaging too soon like this comes across like you have no other options and a little needy.

So i would give her a bit of space, try again..and if nothing Move on.

May 9, 2020

To add to my last post, when women ask men these "hard" questions, such as this woman did when asking what you brought to the table, she was trying to connect with you.

I liked how you answered directly and tossed it back to her, and I trust you liked her answer too. That's how you build emotional connection.

Not to criticize rjc149 cause as I said he gives "great" advice 99.9% of the time, and his style is my style of man.

But gotta admit, if I asked a man that question while talking and trying to connect, and he responded with a smirk replying "really?" and changed the subject, I would have felt dismissed and perhaps even disrespected.

That sort of evasiveness does not appeal to me and sends me the covert message he may possibly be an avoidant and/or has issues with closeness and being open.

He may not, but that is how I I would have taken it.

Edited May 9, 2020 by poppyfields

May 9, 2020

Oh Jezuz, l'd probably throw up if some woman asked me that , sounds like it's straight out of some manual , and do you feel insecure not having a degree , just wtf to that one. Says a lot about who she is and her thinking my man , not the kind of person l'd be seeing again l'm afraid so if you don't hear back personally l'd be thinking your dodging a very shallow superficial bullet there , wouldn't sweat it if l were you .

Edited May 9, 2020 by chillii

May 9, 2020

Lol yeah on it's face both questions sound bad, but context is important, and what the dynamic of the conversation was.

We weren't there taking part in the convo so we don't know; in context those questions may have been appropriate. Just sayin.

Edited May 9, 2020 by poppyfields

May 10, 2020

There is one thing you said that I can see her turning over in her mind later--no matter how good the kissing was.

You described yourself as lazy. I don't mean this in a hostile way ... but anyone who admits they're lazy is really owning up to a major red flag. Any partner or would-be partner , would do well to magnify their estimate of laziness by 2x or 3x. Sorta like if someone mentions a drinking issue, right ... you know they have a major drinking problem.

I know how to chill. I take days off when I sit around ... but I would never describe myself as "lazy." I think it's good you owned up to this ... better would be to work on getting more energy. The truth: I would tell anyone to run and run fast ... if any person on a first date described themselves as lazy. That's a red flag. They should run. If this woman has ambition and drive, then doesn't surprise me at all that her mind called up that "lazy" admission ... and shut down her interest.

May 10, 2020

Doesn't she work? Why is 8 hours too long not to hear back? People who work are busy.

May 10, 2020

Chill some, she might reply and she might feel like she is making you wait.. however.. no mater how honest your answers were you never frame yourself in a negative manner.. ever...this was the first time you met her and first impressions are everything, so you talked negative about yourself.. she certainly noticed it as I did.

Quote

I'm insecure because I'm not living to my true potential because I'm lazy but want to break the habit and become a better person

ouch...

If you had framed it more along the lines of it being in the past not present it wouldn't have bothered me.. but you told her you think you are lazy and don't try in life and want to change..

May 10, 2020

I do not think she is interested, she may have been but after thinking about it she changed her mind

A woman who is interested answers you pretty quickly, they do not take hours or days to respond.

No matter how busy they are

May 10, 2020

3 hours ago, chillii said:

Oh Jezuz, l'd probably throw up if some woman asked me that , sounds like it's straight out of some manual , and do you feel insecure not having a degree , just wtf to that one. Says a lot about who she is and her thinking my man , not the kind of person l'd be seeing again l'm afraid so if you don't hear back personally l'd be thinking your dodging a very shallow superficial bullet there , wouldn't sweat it if l were you .

I'm with you Chills

May 10, 2020

Doesn't sound like she's interested.

May 10, 2020

I have a quarantine bumble story that sounds very similar to yours in someways. I had a phone date with a girl from bumble a few weeks ago. Objectively, I can say it went really well. We spoke for an hour about our lives, she laughed a lot, told me she really likes talking to me, confided that she was looking for a relationship, and when we got off the phone she sounded excited to tell me that she will text me. Basically, there was no doubt in my mind she wanted to keep in contact and talk again. About 20 min after the convesation, she texted me "hey it was nice talking to you" and I said "nice talking to you too! We'll talk soon?" and she said "is that a question or a statement? lol" and then said "we will talk again, but now I need to sleep." I thought that was super weird and decided not to text her. Never heard from her again.

I did nothing wrong, yet she still made some sort of weird decision that she shouldn't bother talking to me a second time. It's just how dating is. Especially in these weird times. I wouldn't over think it and just keep lookin'.

May 10, 2020

13 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

I let her know I bring me (my ambition, love, and desire to grow to the table), I'm insecure because I'm not living to my true potential because I'm lazy but want to break the habit and become a better person, and that I do date a lot but I do it with class. I told her about the advice someone gave me about going on 100 first dates.

As a woman, I would be rather put off by these two tidbits, especially the latter.

Go on 100 first dates if you want, but understand that sharing this with one of those dates makes it seem like you're simply trying to fill this arbitrary quota. I don't think I'd take the guy very seriously if he told me that. Some things are better left unsaid, OP.

May 10, 2020

9 hours ago, chillii said:

Oh Jezuz, l'd probably throw up if some woman asked me that , sounds like it's straight out of some manual , and do you feel insecure not having a degree , just wtf to that one. Says a lot about who she is and her thinking my man , not the kind of person l'd be seeing again l'm afraid so if you don't hear back personally l'd be thinking your dodging a very shallow superficial bullet there , wouldn't sweat it if l were you .

I thought those questions were very strange too, to say the least. However OP mentioned they are Dutch. Could be cultural differences here.

May 10, 2020

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Go on 100 first dates if you want, but understand that sharing this with one of those dates makes it seem like you're simply trying to fill this arbitrary quota. I don't think I'd take the guy very seriously if he told me that. Some things are better left unsaid, OP.

Agree. I probably wouldn’t be inclined to go on a second date with a guy who implied that he’s looking to go on dates with 100 women. Unless the first date was really exceptional (even then, the comment would always be at the back of my mind to remind me I’m potentially just some number.)

May 10, 2020

I disagree with the suggestion to wait a week after the first date to ask a woman out again. That happened to me about 8 months ago and the result was I found it a turn off and I lost interest. If the first date goes well I would expect to hear from a man within 24 to 48 hours. I’m not waiting a week for a man to determine whether I’m “ good enough” for a second date or not. He sound know whether he likes me way before then!

Sounds like the date went very well and you did well Op. However, telling her that you’re “lazy” was a bad move IMO. This suggests that you lack motivation in areas of your life and I would be questioning that. However, hopefully she doesn’t place too much emphasis on it and is more focused on the chemistry between you. Fingers crossed.

My advice is give her another 24 hours, text again, then if you don’t get a response after that, move on.

This experience is not wasted. It shows you that another woman will find you irresistible in the same way she did.

May 10, 2020

You don't ask her out again the next day after the 1st date because it communicates neediness and weak behaviour.

You should have waited at least one week before asking her out again.

Women punish weak behaviours in a guy by ignoring him and reward strong, masculine and alpha behaviours in a guy by pursuing him.

May 10, 2020

5 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

You don't ask her out again the next day after the 1st date because it communicates neediness and weak behaviour.

You should have waited at least one week before asking her out again.

Women punish weak behaviours in a guy by ignoring him and reward strong, masculine and alpha behaviours in a guy by pursuing him.

If a guy waited a week to ask me for a second date I'd consider that pretty lukewarm...I don't want a boring lukewarm guy...I want a hot guy...my successful relationships have had mutual interest pretty much from the get-go. Women can tell when guys are playing these little games. Confident guys never have to. Confident guys go for it because what do they have to lose? That kind of passion is...juicy.

If a girl doesn't find you hot she won't suddenly change her mind because you don't call her for a week. I mean if she's not attracted she's not...and if she is...she'll say yes to a second date. She just will.

Edited May 10, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

May 10, 2020

2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

If a guy waited a week to ask me for a second date I'd consider that pretty lukewarm...I don't want a boring lukewarm guy...I want a hot guy...my successful relationships have had mutual interest pretty much from the get-go.

Well, if a girl considers me "lukewarm" just because I refuse to act needy and clingy by waiting for one week before giving her the privilige of meeting and dating me again, after a "successful 1st date" that obviously she and I both enjoyed, that means she's low quality woman and I don't need to give her my time anyway. She's not worth it.

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Date 1 went well, I texted for the second date and no response. What next?

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