What is a H's responsibilties when it comes to financial security?

[mopar crazy]

My H and I both work FT but our income has dropped, by half in the last year and half ( wont go into why, it just has). We can't give the kids want the way for their bdays or holidays like we use to and it's breaking my heart. My H has tried getting other jobs but only to be turned down b/c of experience. My H is a smart man, went to college for pre-law but since law school is so much $ we can't afford to send him back. Even if he went back he would have a lot of studies that he couldn't work a FT job. I told H that since we are so hard off financially I'm going to get a second job to do after I finish the day at my FT job. I don't want to quit my FT job, I love it too much. H said when he got his job at the retail store he would find a second PT job to make ends meet. Well, it's been since Feb and he has done nothing about getting a second job. I told H since he hasn't gotten a better job I will go apply at some grocery stores, or something but he would have to take care of the kids. I told him he would be the sole parent now since I wont be able to see them much anymore so he has to be responsible for them. I told him since I wont be home much he will need to do the cooking, cleaning, and the laundry. I could tell he did not like that idea, however, he has NP w/ me getting a second job, told me to apply at the retail store he works at as a dept manager.

I just don't feel I am financially secure w/ H. I love him, but life is tough right now. I admit, I am a total b!tch b/c I am stressed so bad about paying bills but still having food for him and the kids. I just feel like he doesn't give a rat's a$$. He keeps telling me he wants this, and wants that, and half of the time he will go get it but I have bills to pay. He is not financiall responsible for anything.

In today's society, is the H suppose to be responsible for financial security for his W and children? I know a lot has changed over the years, but I don't feel a W should have to bust her butt working one or more jobs b/c her H doesn't try to make more money to support his family. And to top it off, to have her work her butt off for 60 hours or more a week and expect to come home to cook, clean, do laundry, while her H sits his butt in front of the damn tv. EEERRRR!

[happymadison]

I cant believe that statement....times have changed but shouldnt a H be totally responsiblre for everything??? did i read that right???

 

well, welcome to the world created by the feminist movements. remember the bra burning and equal rights?? you now have equal rights, and now know what a lot of men felt for many previous years. the man doing the work while the wife stays at home. So i guess you will just have to suck it up and deal with it; you freely entered into this union, for better or worse, and maybe he will try to do more around the house. that would be better than being a bitch (your own words), destroying the marriage, and then be out on your own with zero help.

 

Women used to have it made in times past, when things were much simpler, single income families, and not everyone chasing the big house and 2 beemers in the garage. a woman's greatest and most important job was raising the kids and being the spine of the family.

 

so when yu go to bed tonite, say a prayer for bella abzug and the other lonely lezbo leaders of the feminst movement, which effected you whether or not you participated. You now have equal rights and equal responsibilities, and society no longer deliniates these differences between the sexes. congrats, and you go girl....enjoy!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think, in order to keep things equal (as all relationships should strive to be), we should first remove any prejudice, gender bias statements regarding which sex should be responsible for what when we're speaking in regards to a partnership or TEAM.

 

I agree; that while sometimes one partner must pick up the slack for the other; it is not fair to expect that one person do it all.

 

If you have become the sole breadwinner, and your spouse is content with spending their days at home, then it is not unreasonable to expect that your partner utilize their time by helping out with the children and chores. Complacency and laziness is a sure-fire relationship killer. Particularly when one partner begins to feel put upon or taken advantage of. It might be time to regroup and communicate to your partner how you're feeling before things spiral out of control.

 

And remember: You don't HAVE to do anything you're not willing to do. If the dishes are dirty when you get home from work, leave them. If there's no food on the table, then let him/her go hungry until they get the message. You can always stop by on the way home from work and pick something up for yourself and the kids. If your partner buys things you can not afford to pay for and leaves you strapped with the bills, then cancel the credit cards and checking accounts and reopen new ones in your own name.

 

Of course, this would only be as a last resort if communicating with your partner doesn't inspire any change in attitude.

 

Women used to have it made in times past, when things were much simpler,

 

so when yu go to bed tonite, say a prayer for bella abzug and the other lonely lezbo leaders of the feminst movement, which effected you whether or not you participated. You now have equal rights and equal responsibilities, and society no longer deliniates these differences between the sexes. congrats, and you go girl....enjoy!!!

 

Had it made (???)…Simpler (???) NOT if you grew up or even took the time to sit down and talk to some of the women who grew up in this subservient era.

 

Sure, Hubby paid the bills while his trophy wife stayed at home playing Happy Homemaker. Then at fifty, when the children were grown and gone, Mr. Midlife leaves her high and dry for some numpty twenty-something who pretends not to notice his bald spot and wedding ring.

 

Mrs. "Had It Made" is now alone and financially devastated. And without education and/or job experience, is now destitute and virtually unemployable. Oh…and probably real happy she wasn't considered "smart" enough to vote, either.

 

Yeah, those were the good 'ol days.

 

I cant believe that statement....

 

Then we're equally appalled, since I can hardly wrap my mind around your "lonely lezbo leaders of the feminst movement" comments as well. :confused:

[Ladyjane14]

<======== {happy to hold Enigma's coat!}

[HokeyReligions]

There is no law that says one partner should carry the financial burden. Your husband sounds depressed.

 

Who has what responsibility in a marriage should be discussed before the marriage and throughout the marriage as priorities and responsibilities change.

 

You can't make assumptions with this stuff. Talk with him about what he feels should be the man's job vs. the woman's job. get on the same page and create a plan.

 

Pay the bills together. Plan a budget together. That's a start. It's not Your bills or His bills -- its both together.

[mopar crazy]

I agree that times have changed, it's a lot different than when I was a child when my mom stayed home and raised us and my dad busted his butt operating two successful businesses.

 

I just feel like I am at my wits end w/ this. I feel like I am pulling all the weight w/ everything. I do everything around here. Ok, I take that back, he does mow the lawn on his riding mower. In the last 6 months he has probably went out to burn the trash three or four times and it needs to be burned about two times a week.

 

I am the one that calls when something needs to be repaired, I make an appt when his truck needs fixed, hell he wont even order pizza he tells me to call them. I did most of the work to get the house we are moving into. When the stupid garage door opener wasn't working right he told me I needed to call the landlord! When I asked him why he couldn't do it his got ticked and said "Then I guess it wont get fixed then!" My reply was "I guess it doesn't then." and I ended it right there.

 

I do think H's is depressed about not having money but has NP of me getting a second job to get more money. Honestly, I don't want to get a second job. 40 hours a week at my current job exhaust me at the end of the day. I don't know if I could even take a second job, but if it gives us more money, then I will have to do that.

 

This M is not equal, at all. I have talked to him about doing his share around the house until I was blue in the face, I give up so I just do what I can and let him sit on his butt to watch tv. When I was a SAHM (ran my own business out of my home) I did do all those things b/c I was home, but now that I work FT out of the home, I can't do it like I use to. I figured since I was home, I would do it and have my evenings free to relax. Well, my evenings now are filled w/ housework and his are filled w/ tv or computer time.

 

I feel taken advantage of I realize I can only be taken advantage of if I allow it. I even told him I am overloaded w/ my FT job and housework. I am physically exhausted. When I wake up at 3 am almost every morning all I can think of what needs to be done when I get up, and when I get home from work. I need some good sleeping medications if this crap keeps up.

 

As for the CC, they are all cancelled, we can't spend any $ on them. As for the check book, I have that. I only give it to him if he puts gas in his truck. He takes the ATM debit card to buy food for his lunch breaks or gets groceries for home since it makes more sense to do that b/c he is there.

 

He is just lazy, plain and simple. We have been M 13 years and nothing has changed. We have been to MC and discussed it, it got no where.

 

I guess I will just keep my mouth shut and let him live the life he wants to while I bust my butt and he can do whatever he wants. It doesn't help a M to be a nag, and I have nagged enough, I am exhausted from nagging, and bitching. It doesn't help anyhow and just makes matters worse.

[happymadison]

No , thats not right enigma. you have been talking to SOME women. but now talk to SOME men, who leave at 50 like you said and have to give up the house, half the pension, and pay alimony to boot. I think these women made out ok, and the financial burden is till on the man. the ones you must know must not have had sense to find a good divorce attorney. I think if you knew the financial winners in most divorces you would change your mind. Now that is even changing, with this idea of both paties being equal.

 

So under your assumptions, everything was indeed simpler and the good old days, until the wives were divorced. that proves my point. staying home with the kids IS a very tough job, and like i said is the most important one. But bringing in hte bucks and the pressures associated with that are something different. mama cant cook if there there is no electricity. its a team deal, and the guy in this post should pick up hte slack on whatever end he can. But her statement about the H having the responsibility reeks of sexism, and is indicative of the double standards that most of the "liberated" women hold to men. No wonder no one can figure them out.

[Lil Honey]

There is a HUGE difference between Spouse 1 working all day while Spouse 2 stays at home taking care of kids and doing the cooking and cleaning

 

and

 

Mopar's situation where she is working while Spouse stays at home and Mopar still has to do the cooking and cleaning

 

I've been in Mopar's shoes. I was working FT while XH worked PT. We had always worked on things (earning money, paying bills) together . . . or so I thought. I was okay with working more. Until my car needed to be fixed and he didn't do it. He made a cupholder for his truck instead. When it became ever so clear that he wasn't trying, I grew resentful and I walked.

[SARose61]

The key here is equality and team work. I'm a firm believer in the 50/50 rule. What you and your spouse determine is 50/50 is up to you individually. In some cases one spouse is working more 1.5 jobs while the other steps up what needs to be done at home.

 

They bottom line is that when one spouse starts to feel that they are pulling more weight, taking on a heavier burden. It is time to speak out. Maybe he is depressed, but even so, nothing wrong with supporting him through that depression while still motivating him to pull his end of the deal.

 

Whatever you do, talk this out early. Talk it out now, before you end up being the one to have to work an endless 2nd pt job. I'm in a very similar situation. We both work full time jobs, but a couple of very wrong financial decisions have left us in dire straights - barely making ends meet. I worked a pt job a few years ago because we wanted to make some extra cash and now I'd like him to take his turn. Been promising to do it but doesn't ever happen. I've been holding out for over a year mostly because I think that my health would not stand the strain of anything over the 40 hr regular work week. Frankly I rather plod along in our current state of affairs than give in and work myself into an early grave.

 

Good luck to you,

 

Rose

[u_would_b_lonley_too]

i dont really have anything to say about that but my dream car is a purple 71 cuda. Since I was like 3years old. My husband has a orange 70 cuda. would you know where we could find one? Thanks

[mopar crazy]

i dont really have anything to say about that but my dream car is a purple 71 cuda. Since I was like 3years old. My husband has a orange 70 cuda. would you know where we could find one? Thanks

Lol, I REALLY wish that car was mine, but it's not. My dream car is a 70 or 71 Cuda and I don't care what color it is, lol. Yea, I would love a 70 or 71 Hemi convertable Cuda but that's never going to happen, lol. I wish I knew where you could find one. They are very hard to find, we have been trying for years. I have loved Cuda's since I was very young myself. It's would be a dream come true to have a Cuda, or even a Challenger or a Charger. The other day we seen a couple of them on a semi trailor and all I could do was stare. My H said "You can stop drooling now." I couldn't take my eyes off those cars, lol.

My older brother has owned so many Cuda's, even convertables, but he sells them to make a profit. Your extremely lucky you have the 70 Cuda. GL finding one. And if I knew where to find a purple 70 Cuda I wouldn't tell ya where it was b/c I would try to go get it, lmbo!

[u_would_b_lonley_too]

Lol, I REALLY wish that car was mine, but it's not. My dream car is a 70 or 71 Cuda and I don't care what color it is, lol. Yea, I would love a 70 or 71 Hemi convertable Cuda but that's never going to happen, lol. I wish I knew where you could find one. They are very hard to find, we have been trying for years. I have loved Cuda's since I was very young myself. It's would be a dream come true to have a Cuda, or even a Challenger or a Charger.

!

I swear you sound just like me! My husband is trying to get me a 71. The guy aint got it in yet but from what we here its pretty beat up. I dont care well just have to fix it up. Yes actually the 70 cuda is how we met. I seen him and chased him down for a ride in it because even though its been my dream car i had never ridin in one. He gave me a ride and 3 years later were married lol. My dads had plenty of mopars when i was 3 he had a green 69 charger and I changed the gears in it. My mom had a roadrunner. My favorite is a 70- 71 cuda (especially 71) then 70 challenger, 69 charger, etc. Anyways ive been around cars all my life. Oh yeah and id be just like you, if i knew where id find a cuda id keep it to myself. lol

[Mz. Pixie]

Mopar,

 

I get what you're saying. For me, and many other women, there is a certain sense of security when we think our husbands are the providers. I expect my husband to take his share of this- I don't mind pulling my weight but IMO he should be the one to work a second job. YOUR second job is taking care of those children, and since he isn't pulling his weight in housework or otherwise he should at least be willing to do this. If he were willing to take over this burden so you could work a second job then that would be okay, but obviously he's not.

 

I'm like Lil Honey. I walked on my first marriage because of issues like this, and the fact that it was always fun time for my exh and about what he wanted and needed. Your comment about not getting the kids what they want for their bday hit home for me, my exh didn't care if the kids had lunch money as long as he did!

 

If you've tried counseling have you thought about telling him that this is a deal breaker?? I mean sort of, straighten up or I'm gone??