I have destroyed my partner

[Dexterr]

I talked to my partner about therapy last night. It’s a very sensitive topic. She stalls a lot, I suppose quarantine was an excuse to wait. She doesn’t want to talk about it, she said. I knew that anyway but thought that perhaps therapy would be different. A few weeks ago she came home crying because some girlfriend of hers tried to find out what had happened. She said that she won’t talk to anyone about it, just me. I don’t know how to handle this. 
 

When it comes to me attending therapy, that’s a trigger for her. It really upset her last night. Why, because after d-day she urged me to go. She told me beforehand to go, be honest, not waste anyone’s time and money. What did I do? I went there and lied. 

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Dexterr said:

She was beated and abused in her past relationship, she grew up with a mother who would drive her to school and then say “I will leave and never come back if you don’t act normal” when she was 6-10. When 13-14, the mother would sit her down and tell her how she pities her and feels sorry for her, how she’ll never be anything.

Those are just examples. She never had any control over what people threw her into. She was either their daughter or isolated and alone, beaten, in a foreign country where she moved to, in order to be with her previous partner. And those are just examples.

Ok... NOW this is all making sense to me. Yes, no doubt you certainly didn't help and quite likely she tolerated the level of abuse you were dishing out as "within normal parameters" for her life experiences. It's good you're trying turn over a new leaf. Don't falter/relapse with that!

My thought would again be to get her the help she needs, i.e. therapy and probably a lot of it. Find one who genuinely specializes in abuse situations/recovery. It may not work, but IMO it's probably her best shot. I very strongly believe you won't be able to help her alone.

Edit: and yes, it's likely for the best that she goes alone at least some of the time, particularly if that's what she's comfortable with. There's quite a big difference between IC and MC from what I understand...

Edited May 8, 2020 by mark clemson

[Dexterr]

Update:

My beautiful spouse has been doing better, a lot better. We spend many weekends on a small island where his father built a cottage some years ago. We have our own little picnics and indoor date nights. She has been more at peace. She was a bit sad last night because there are now scars on her legs from the times she tore open her skin. But she doesn't think about it that much anymore, she hasn't broken down since a while. She is being amazing. I tried to get her to chat up a therapist/psychologist but she has been scared of that. She fears that her progress might be ruined if she goes through everything again and tear open the wounds. She is still very traumatised. 

Yesterday she asked me, when do we stop talking about it. There is nothing left to ask anymore, nothing to wonder about, she knows everything. Now it is just the pain of it. She feels like she needs to talk sometimes but she doesn't know what to ask or what to say. But there is still something so empty in her, something she doesn't know how to help. 

It's been almost 6 months since Dday. How do couples start moving on after infidelity? Life seems to go back to normal bit by bit, with ups and downs, but this stage feels like a limbo. Like something has to happen now that will either make us or break us. 

Just thinking out loud, I apologise.. Not much of an update. 

[pepperbird]

On 5/7/2020 at 4:50 AM, Dexterr said:

Hello everyone, 


I found this forum while desperately Googling for help because what else can one do during lockdown. Thank you for opening my thread, please offer me your help if you have any. 

I cheated on my partner. The one woman I love dearest, I betrayed. I did so because when we met, I was quite fresh out of a relationship with someone who cheated on me and used me for 2 years. Life with the ex was toxic, it involved tons of drugs, no intimacy, constant bickering, it was not good.

When I met my current partner, she was strange to me. She wasn't like any other attention-seeking girl who is shallow and needy, instead, she was a woman who had seen the worst of life and made it out, confident, secure, successful and content. I had never met a woman like that. I was a sad virgin for a while and after I grew up, I got cocky and shallow after finally getting attention from slutty girls and other low-lives, to be frank. I constantly needed approval and attention from people who don't even matter. My partner was one who noticed that immediately, she was cautious and did have her walls up. Me being the shallow insecure prick that I was, I projected that onto her and figured that she was insecure and rude. I thought "How dare she not want me". I was a horrible person when I met her. HORRIBLE. I hid my insecurity underneath a thick layer of cockiness. She couldn't even be nice to me or compliment me, I'd brush it off and say "of course you'd say that", that's how rude I was. 

Slowly I started to change. I started seeing her more clearly. She was inspiring. But throughout our entire relationship, I was cheating and lying. It was all online because I was a coward who couldn't even "cheat properly". I lied to myself, said "it's not that bad, did it already, doesn't matter" and just kept going, afterwards removing it from my mind. I didn't even think about it, ever, when I wasn't doing it. It was an impulse in the moment when I felt bad about my partner, for whatever reason. It was approval. Shallow, gross approval from a dugged up tramp. 

After a year, 5 months ago, my partner found out. She got a gut feeling. I should have told her from the get-go, but this is what I did: I just lied. I tortured her for months, I made her sit there and beg me for truth for hours, I just tortured her. I made her, a good, loyal, confident woman, feel stupid, worthless, ugly. I did that to her for months. I feel so much shame for that. I was lying to myself about lying, if that makes any sense. I was so far up my own a** I didn't even know what I was doing. I got mad at HER. I went off on HER. Why? I don't know. She has tried so hard to stay, but the deceiving is what kills her most. 

This is where we are today - she has bursts where she becomes violent. She tears up her own skin when she starts spinning because she "wants to get out of her own skin". Once she smashed her head open after collapsing on the floor. She hates herself. She is suicidal sometimes. She has had seizures that are caused by stress, her mind literally collapses. She is completely broken. She has days where she's better, often a week, but then she falls apart again. At first it was daily, which shows that there HAS been progress. But now, when she breaks, it's horrid. Once I was talking over her on the phone like a moron, not letting her speak, and she was screaming, begging me on the other end to just stop. She screamed so bad her throat was bleeding afterwards. 

I never cared about anyone else, I didn't even know them. I went there 20x throughout 1 year, but lied to her so much and threw her under the bus multiple times. 

I'm sorry that this post is a mess, I cannot get my thoughts in order right now. As of today, my partner is my role model. She is everything I aspire to be. She has proved to me that we define our worth, not others. She has taught me that if I love someone, I love them the way they need to be loved, not how I think they should be loved. She has taught me to be a gentleman, and I know I will never do anything like this to anyone, ever again. Especially not an angel like her. I have become more honest in general. I don't even speed in my car anymore, I finished university thanks to her. Hadn't I met her, I would be dead by 30. 

We have good days, many of them. She is very happy then. We go hiking, on road trips, or we just stay home and enjoy our company. But when something triggers the trauma, she cannot control it. I always knew that betrayal is that ONE thing she is afraid of. I always knew. I didn't care, I was selfish. 

If you have any advice. Please. 

For people who find it really hard to trust, it can be especially shattering when it's broken. They have to consciously choose to trust their partner, and once that's broken, it can be very hard to ever get it back. That;s not to say she can't  have a lot of trust in you in the future,  but that's along way down the road and it may never be 100 percent ever again.
 

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Dexterr said:

Update:

My beautiful spouse has been doing better, a lot better. We spend many weekends on a small island where his father built a cottage some years ago. We have our own little picnics and indoor date nights. She has been more at peace. She was a bit sad last night because there are now scars on her legs from the times she tore open her skin. But she doesn't think about it that much anymore, she hasn't broken down since a while. She is being amazing. I tried to get her to chat up a therapist/psychologist but she has been scared of that. She fears that her progress might be ruined if she goes through everything again and tear open the wounds. She is still very traumatised. 

Yesterday she asked me, when do we stop talking about it. There is nothing left to ask anymore, nothing to wonder about, she knows everything. Now it is just the pain of it. She feels like she needs to talk sometimes but she doesn't know what to ask or what to say. But there is still something so empty in her, something she doesn't know how to help. 

It's been almost 6 months since Dday. How do couples start moving on after infidelity? Life seems to go back to normal bit by bit, with ups and downs, but this stage feels like a limbo. Like something has to happen now that will either make us or break us. 

Just thinking out loud, I apologise.. Not much of an update. 

I know not everyone is big on writing, but it can be helpful. She can wrote out her thoughts, and that can help her work through them. She can also go back and see the progress she's made.

[Zona]

6 hours ago, Dexterr said:

Just thinking out loud, I apologise.. Not much of an update. 

Unlike a lot of the other waywards we hear about, you sound very remorseful.

They say it takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse/partner to recover enough to where it doesn't cripple them every day.

I'm heading into year 2 and it's still a roller coaster but she has been (mostly) a model wife. Luckily I haven't had a ton of mind movies. That seems to be something that haunts a lot of people and I'm sure it's awful.

Be patient with her recovery, answer any questions she has, be open with all your devices/passwords and apologize frequently.

I hope things work out for you. Sounds like you have really started to get your own sh*t together. Keep working on yourself. She will be watching to see if you are doing the work.

[pepperbird]

op,

you may come across people who will minimize what yo0ur wife has been through-don't fall into that. The only way you can move past this is to face it, full on.

Infidelity really can push people to the point your partner has reached, especially if you have treated the BS the way you have. You have effective taken who "she" is and taught her that she's not good enough, that she can't trust you and that you don't have her back. That's not to say she'll always feel that way or you are a terrible guy, it's just the reality. true and real love is like rare vase, and when you break it, it can be repaired but the crack will always be there. A devote of the idea of wabi-sabi will say it can be even stronger and more beautiful for its imperfections, but it can take a long time to get there. If you are serious about being with your wife for the long haul, you really need to understand that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. If you have it in you to hold the course, and if you think you can be the type of partner your wife deserves- I wish you luck.

[Dexterr]

9 hours ago, pepperbird said:

op,

you may come across people who will minimize what yo0ur wife has been through-don't fall into that. The only way you can move past this is to face it, full on.

Infidelity really can push people to the point your partner has reached, especially if you have treated the BS the way you have. You have effective taken who "she" is and taught her that she's not good enough, that she can't trust you and that you don't have her back. That's not to say she'll always feel that way or you are a terrible guy, it's just the reality. true and real love is like rare vase, and when you break it, it can be repaired but the crack will always be there. A devote of the idea of wabi-sabi will say it can be even stronger and more beautiful for its imperfections, but it can take a long time to get there. If you are serious about being with your wife for the long haul, you really need to understand that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. If you have it in you to hold the course, and if you think you can be the type of partner your wife deserves- I wish you luck.

Thank you for your your time and your thoughts, I really appreciate it. I completely agree with you. Fixing the vase up will take a long-long time, even after it's fixed and has a new pretty set of flowers in it, you can still always see you've damaged it.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I personally WAS one of the people who minimised her trauma and experiences.. I was so deluded that I thought "I've had a happy life and still have my happy parents by my side, how could anyone not have that?". I feel like I was crazy. I have no idea how I could be that stupid. 

Regarding your journal suggestion - she does something similar, she draws. She is a very artistic person and has amazing talent for it. I've looked at her sketchbook a few times, her drawings and paintings used to be quite sad. She drew flowers that someone had ripped apart, faces that showed no emotion, no feeling but had streaks of mascara running down after all the tears. It was all very haunting. Recently, her drawings have been brighter in nature again. Which is amazing news to me. She always put her emotions down into her sketchbook, since she was 14. I wish I actually took note to it earlier, I could have seen everything she was.

[Dexterr]

11 hours ago, Zona said:

Unlike a lot of the other waywards we hear about, you sound very remorseful.

They say it takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse/partner to recover enough to where it doesn't cripple them every day.

I'm heading into year 2 and it's still a roller coaster but she has been (mostly) a model wife. Luckily I haven't had a ton of mind movies. That seems to be something that haunts a lot of people and I'm sure it's awful.

Be patient with her recovery, answer any questions she has, be open with all your devices/passwords and apologize frequently.

I hope things work out for you. Sounds like you have really started to get your own sh*t together. Keep working on yourself. She will be watching to see if you are doing the work.

Thank you!! I was a lost cause and probably would have somehow ended up dead at 30, either due to drugs, reckless driving or what not, due to something idiotic. It's embarrassing and pitiful. My partner really did change me, she has become a role model to me. I hate that it took me this long to see everything clearly, I hate what I was myself. 

I know I will stick by her side through everything. She's a blessing, even after everything she's been through and everything I have done, she is still pure and genuine at heart, and much more. 

I wish you luck and strength. Sure I have too been cheated on, but by someone who never had any true value, quite frankly. I cannot imagine what you or my spouse are truly going through, but just by seeing it, I can guess how much it takes to simply stay everyday.