Am I Wasting My Time?

[preraph]

Unless a guy shows you otherwise, it's perfectly fine to default to assuming they just want to hook up.  If they want more, you'll know it pretty quickly.  

[kenziejane]

3 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

If he isn't willing to commit after that amount of time, just move on. That's just entirely too long for him to not have made a move and make it official. 

That’s the way I see it.

I find it incredibly weird timing that right after I make this post, he asks if we can have a day date instead of just a night hang out. 

It’s like they know when you’re about to move on haha 

[The Outlaw]

6 hours ago, kenziejane said:

That’s the way I see it.

I find it incredibly weird timing that right after I make this post, he asks if we can have a day date instead of just a night hang out. 

It’s like they know when you’re about to move on haha 

Well, I hope it works out for you. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, kenziejane said:

That’s the way I see it.

I find it incredibly weird timing that right after I make this post, he asks if we can have a day date instead of just a night hang out. 

It’s like they know when you’re about to move on haha I 

I don't know about this...my suspicious mind would go to: he was pursuing and maybe banging someone else and now he's back to me...I'd be wondering about STIs. Also, are you sure you want to be that girl who just automatically goes along with whatever he wants whenever he wants it and you're afraid to rock the boat even though very clearly you want more? 

This just aggravates me. He wants to start seeing you, but only at night to F? Okay! He doesn't seem ready to have any sort of talk? Okay! He wants to start getting distant? Okay! ...but still come over once in a while and scr*w? Okay! ...then just take off not stay the night? Okay! Then "shift" (???) again? Okay! Now wants a daytime date, you lucky girl, you? Okay!

Are you sure you want to do this latest "but HE wants blah-blah"? Because personally I'd be damned if I would. He has a hand, he won't suffer. You have a heart, you are suffering. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[kenziejane]

7 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

Well, I hope it works out for you. 

Oh no, I'm done. I was just saying I found it amusing. 

[kenziejane]

7 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't know about this...my suspicious mind would go to: he was pursuing and maybe banging someone else and now he's back to me...I'd be wondering about STIs. Also, are you sure you want to be that girl who just automatically goes along with whatever he wants whenever he wants it and you're afraid to rock the boat even though very clearly you want more? 

This just aggravates me. He wants to start seeing you, but only at night to F? Okay! He doesn't seem ready to have any sort of talk? Okay! He wants to start getting distant? Okay! ...but still come over once in a while and scr*w? Okay! ...then just take off not stay the night? Okay! Then "shift" (???) again? Okay! Now wants a daytime date, you lucky girl, you? Okay!

Are you sure you want to do this latest "but HE wants blah-blah"? Because personally I'd be damned if I would. He has a hand, he won't suffer. You have a heart, you are suffering. 

I don't at all, and I actually called him out on it too. 

It is absolutely 100% aggravating and I'm not here for it anymore. He'll be fine, he's young. 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, kenziejane said:

 

I find it incredibly weird timing that right after I make this post, he asks if we can have a day date instead of just a night hang out. 

 

Are you going to go?

[miranda561]

On 5/6/2020 at 5:06 AM, kenziejane said:

So five months ago, I met a guy on the apps. I was a few months post divorce, so I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. We talked about it and agreed to take it slow, to date but keep things casual and relatively expectation free at first. Just get to know each other and see what happens. I did occasionally go on other dates but I’m not great at multi-dating so ended up ignoring the apps and focusing on this guy.

I’d say like two months ago, I felt a shift. Things definitely started to feel more relationship-like for various reasons (both through actions and conversation), and I was surprised by how happy I felt about that. Until I realized it was because of how much I’d grown to really like this guy and have actual feelings for him. He made it clear he felt the same. 

Then, seemingly out of nowhere recently, I felt another shift in the opposite direction. His texts became fewer, while we used to chat on and off throughout the day. He stopped staying the night when he came over (and he used to stay the night always). Overall, he started to feel distant. It’s just gotten more and more confusing. I’ll hear from him first thing in the morning, and then my texts will go unanswered until like 11pm. Even just the way he talks to me— less banter, less flirting, stopped calling me pet names, etc. Then there will be one random night we chat for hours like normal. What?! 

I partly know what everyone is going to say— five months. We should have had the DTR talk long ago, and if it hasn’t happened yet, it probably never will. I feel like normally I’m good at reading people but he’s so confusing to me. One day, I think he crazy about me and the other I’m convinced he just likes hooking up with me. Especially because he has never once asked to spend a day with me. It’s only ever evening dates, and I feel like right now we could very well be having walks in the park or what not. 

Earlier this week, someone I was connected with in the past reached out. I like talking to them but I feel guilty almost. Especially since he has asked for a date in the future. My friend’s opinion is why not, since the other guy hasn’t done a thing to make it seem like he wants to be exclusive. I feel like if he was interested in being in a relationship with me, he would have asked me to be his girlfriend by now. So therefore, maybe I should still be keeping my options open?

I haven’t dated much in about ten years (was married for a while) so I’m clueless. Please be kind lol This man is also in his mid-twenties and I’m early 30s so I wonder if age is playing into it.

If you feel a shift and that he's backed off from you, that's not the best sign. Perhaps you want something more serious than he does. And only evening dates? Forget it

See what happens with the one who reached out to you. 

Or another solution is to just ask him what he wants  . Something  we all fail to do in these forums.  

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, kenziejane said:

he asks if we can have a day date instead of just a night hang out. 

Talk about demotion.

That's because he doesn't want his new gf to put two and two together while he manages your expectations.

Glad you kicked him to the curb.

[The Outlaw]

2 hours ago, kenziejane said:

Oh no, I'm done. I was just saying I found it amusing. 

I’m sorry I must have missed that part. But in any case, you’re better off. He should have been made official a long time ago. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/8/2020 at 3:44 AM, kenziejane said:

I find it incredibly weird timing that right after I make this post, he asks if we can have a day date instead of just a night hang out. 

I have the feeling he's leaving his nights open for someone else now. 

Glad you're going to get let go of this. It wasn't heading where you'd hoped. 

[poppyfields]

OP, I'm really glad you're moving on, good job! 

One thing I find funny though is when he only wanted to see you at night, you were told he was only looking for sex, a hook up.  Which may have been true, who knows. 

Then when he asked for a day time date, you were told you were being demoted, a back up and he was saving his nights for another women! 

I just had to chuckle at that; guys just can't win sometimes can they!  Lol 

Damned if they do, damned if they don't as the saying goes. 

I have no idea what's going on with this guy, but agree, not a good match,  best you move on. 

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[kenziejane]

39 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, I'm really glad you're moving on, good job! 

One thing I find funny though is when he only wanted to see you at night, you were told he was only looking for sex, a hook up.  Which may have been true, who knows. 

Then when he asked for a day time date, you were told you were being demoted, a back up and he was saving his nights for another women! 

I just had to chuckle at that; guys just can't win sometimes can they!  Lol 

Damned if they do, damned if they don't as the saying goes. 

I have no idea what's going on with this guy, but agree, not a good match,  best you move on. 

 

 

 

Haha true. I did call him out and what ensued was a conversation that probably should have happened a while ago. 
 

I told him it felt like he was no longer interested in maintaining whatever this is and that’s fine, but to just let me know and be honest. I said I was looking to date someone with the intention of it being serious eventually and it seemed he wasn’t on the same page. I told him I didn’t want him to feel like he was on the hook with me. 
 

Not totally sure what to do with the response I got back. 
 

He said he didn’t feel on the hook with me, and he’s in this because he wants to be. Then added that I’ve been zero pressure and he appreciated that. He apologized for seeming so distant and halfhearted lately, but he’s been feeling pretty listless and uninterested in everything right now with being unable to work and not even knowing if and when he’ll be able to go back to work (he was supposed to start a new job right before all the shut downs and now the company doesn’t know if they can give him the job still). Just depressed in general. Said he didn’t want me to feel unsure about his feelings because he likes me a lot. That he’s been a little confused about what we’re doing but he’s been committed to it, and me, for the last few months. He’s always been interested in pursuing something with me. Thinks I’m amazing and could talk to me for days. Etc etc. Said he’s sorry he never spoke up before but is bad at this.

So there’s that on that. 

I said we could talk about it more later because it was late and am still trying to wrap my brain around this. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Yeah - whenever I brought that up to a guy I was dating they IMMEDIATELY tried to make excuses for it and "I really do like you blah blah" only for things to go back to exactly how they were before.

I know you'll probably stick around for round 2, but just a heads up this is what's going to happen.  Mark my words.  Having a "talk" with a lukewarm guy never makes him transform into wonderful boyfriend overnight. 

[kenziejane]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Yeah - whenever I brought that up to a guy I was dating they IMMEDIATELY tried to make excuses for it and "I really do like you blah blah" only for things to go back to exactly how they were before.

I know you'll probably stick around for round 2, but just a heads up this is what's going to happen.  Mark my words.  Having a "talk" with a lukewarm guy never makes him transform into wonderful boyfriend overnight. 

I’m going to start dating other people regardless. His response really didn’t impress me or make me change my mind. If anything I was just sort of flabbergasted. 

[kenziejane]

 

 

Everyone was really kind and helpful with my original post, so I thought I might make a new thread with an update. 

I know we were all throwing out all sorts of ideas on why this guy I've been seeing for five months was suddenly backing off. I'd say almost a month ago, he texted me saying he was no longer "inspired" to hang out with me and was just super stressed. He apologized for being inattentive, but assured me he really liked me and didn't want me to feel unsure about that. It sounded like bs to me, so I told him if he wasn't interested in me anymore to just say so because I'm looking for a serious relationship. He again assured me that wasn't the case and that was that. 

Well, I got the real answer. It's been about three weeks since I've seen him and I finally called him out and asked what happened. He said he knew we were at a point where we would have to decide what we're doing, and it made him feel anxious. So he decided he needed some space in order to figure that out. According to him, commitment is complicated. Not because he wants to keep his options open, but because it is different than what he is used to and a big change. Insert eye roll here. 

He also didn't understand why I was so mad. He essentially just left me dangling on the hook for weeks and weeks so he could figure out what he wanted. During our last conversation, I told him I wanted a serious relationship. That would've been a good point to tell me he wasn't sure what he wanted...except he probably knew I wouldn't just wait around while he thought about it. So he gave me enough to keep me interested. He even admitted he was purposefully talking to me less, but making sure to still update me enough...and he said this like it was doing me a kindness. Am I wrong in that thinking? His excuse was that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He said that a lot actually, that he didn't want to hurt me. Well I've been through a divorce...pretty sure almost nothing he could've said or done would hurt me like that. 

I feel after five months, it shouldn't be this hard to decide if you want to be with someone or not. It's not a life changing, world shattering choice. I'm not asking him to marry me. I'm just asking for the next step...which would be acknowledging we are dating, seeing each other, whatever. No one else. And that we are working towards a relationship. I'm not even demanding he call me his girlfriend. He kept saying how much he liked me and was attracted to me in all ways...okay so what's the hold up then? In the midst of this heated conversation, he announced he was taking a nap and we'd talk more later. I suggested we just end it now and he said "No, I don't want to discontinue. I've kept you around this long for a reason and really don't want to end this with us".....'kept you around'...nice way of wording it. 6 hours later, he tries texting me like everything is normal, even though nothing is resolved. I ignored him. This morning he asks if he can see me this weekend, or probably not?

I'm just boggled a little. How can you see someone for five whole months, and then have to take three weeks away from seeing them to think about whether or not you want to pursue more or have some level of commitment? Do you really need to think that hard about it? Personally, I feel like I deserve to be with someone who doesn't need to take time away to figure out what they want from me, especially after five months. I really liked this man and enjoyed his company, but I don't think I will ever get what I want from him. I admit I'd felt done even before this conversation, but now I just stupid and definitely a little mad. 

Glad I decided to put feelers back out there since this was clearly going nowhere. And thank you again for everyone who gave me advice and encouragement. Hearing from all of you helped put it into perspective. 

 

Edited May 20, 2020 by kenziejane
More context

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

He even admitted he was purposefully talking to me less, but making sure to still update me enough...and he said this like it was doing me a kindness. Am I wrong in that thinking? His excuse was that he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

He thought distancing himself from you would make you want to not see him again and avoid any rejection from him which he thought was "kind".  You are  correct that he didn't want to hurt your feelings.  Why would he want to do that?

 

6 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

So he decided he needed some space in order to figure that out. According to him, commitment is complicated. Not because he wants to keep his options open, but because it is different than what he is used to and a big change. Insert eye roll here. 

Well he is correct IMHO that commitment is complicated for some and after being single a long time you find that you have to share yourself with another whether you want to or not, feel like it or not, and take some responsibility for another person.  He needs time to think about whether it's worth giving up his freedom.  If he decides he can't it doesn't make him a bad person just not the person for you.

 

10 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

I told him I wanted a serious relationship.

Unless he tells you otherwise you should keep this thought and make it happen whether with him or not.

[kenziejane]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He thought distancing himself from you would make you want to not see him again and avoid any rejection from him which he thought was "kind".  You are  correct that he didn't want to hurt your feelings.  Why would he want to do that?

 

Well he is correct IMHO that commitment is complicated for some and after being single a long time you find that you have to share yourself with another whether you want to or not, feel like it or not, and take some responsibility for another person.  He needs time to think about whether it's worth giving up his freedom.  If he decides he can't it doesn't make him a bad person just not the person for you.

 

Unless he tells you otherwise you should keep this thought and make it happen whether with him or not.

I'm sure he didn't want to hurt my feelings-- my problem is that I'm not fragile. If you are having that much doubt about whether or not you want to commit to me, after five months, then be straight up with me. I'd rather him tell me he's unsure and needs to think about it then lie about being stressed out and start giving me the bare minimum effort. Because that was confusing and sort of mean. I felt like I was being strung along for three weeks, in the dark about what was happening, while he figured it out. 

My time is valuable and important, and I feel like it got wasted a little by him not being forthright about what was going on in his mind. I probably would be a lot less upset if he'd just been upfront to begin with. 

I'm not saying he is a bad person for not wanting a relationship or commitment. I just think you should have a better idea after five months, and that taking three weeks off without explanation to mull it over, isn't really a great tactic. I thought he was trying to fade me out. A lot of confusion could have been avoided on my part. 

[smackie9]

It doesn't make any sense because he's not telling you he real truth. I bet money on it he wasn't processing anything, he just met someone else and was too much of a coward to tell you...and still being a coward. If it's hard to believe it's most likely is bs.

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, kenziejane said:

 

 

Everyone was really kind and helpful with my original post, so I thought I might make a new thread with an update. 

I know we were all throwing out all sorts of ideas on why this guy I've been seeing for five months was suddenly backing off. I'd say almost a month ago, he texted me saying he was no longer "inspired" to hang out with me and was just super stressed. He apologized for being inattentive, but assured me he really liked me and didn't want me to feel unsure about that. It sounded like bs to me, so I told him if he wasn't interested in me anymore to just say so because I'm looking for a serious relationship. He again assured me that wasn't the case and that was that. 

Well, I got the real answer. It's been about three weeks since I've seen him and I finally called him out and asked what happened. He said he knew we were at a point where we would have to decide what we're doing, and it made him feel anxious. So he decided he needed some space in order to figure that out. According to him, commitment is complicated. Not because he wants to keep his options open, but because it is different than what he is used to and a big change. Insert eye roll here. 

He also didn't understand why I was so mad. He essentially just left me dangling on the hook for weeks and weeks so he could figure out what he wanted. During our last conversation, I told him I wanted a serious relationship. That would've been a good point to tell me he wasn't sure what he wanted...except he probably knew I wouldn't just wait around while he thought about it. So he gave me enough to keep me interested. He even admitted he was purposefully talking to me less, but making sure to still update me enough...and he said this like it was doing me a kindness. Am I wrong in that thinking? His excuse was that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He said that a lot actually, that he didn't want to hurt me. Well I've been through a divorce...pretty sure almost nothing he could've said or done would hurt me like that. 

I feel after five months, it shouldn't be this hard to decide if you want to be with someone or not. It's not a life changing, world shattering choice. I'm not asking him to marry me. I'm just asking for the next step...which would be acknowledging we are dating, seeing each other, whatever. No one else. And that we are working towards a relationship. I'm not even demanding he call me his girlfriend. He kept saying how much he liked me and was attracted to me in all ways...okay so what's the hold up then? In the midst of this heated conversation, he announced he was taking a nap and we'd talk more later. I suggested we just end it now and he said "No, I don't want to discontinue. I've kept you around this long for a reason and really don't want to end this with us".....'kept you around'...nice way of wording it. 6 hours later, he tries texting me like everything is normal, even though nothing is resolved. I ignored him. This morning he asks if he can see me this weekend, or probably not?

I'm just boggled a little. How can you see someone for five whole months, and then have to take three weeks away from seeing them to think about whether or not you want to pursue more or have some level of commitment? Do you really need to think that hard about it? Personally, I feel like I deserve to be with someone who doesn't need to take time away to figure out what they want from me, especially after five months. I really liked this man and enjoyed his company, but I don't think I will ever get what I want from him. I admit I'd felt done even before this conversation, but now I just stupid and definitely a little mad. 

Glad I decided to put feelers back out there since this was clearly going nowhere. And thank you again for everyone who gave me advice and encouragement. Hearing from all of you helped put it into perspective. 

 

But why wait on him. Just live your life.

Either way hes indecisive. The fact is his actions show hes not sure about being with you long term. 

[Miss Spider]

He didn’t wanna commit 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, kenziejane said:

my problem is that I'm not fragile.

Maybe because you are a strong woman he was afraid to confront you with the truth.  I would never wait 3 weeks on any man except my husband to come back to me, without moving on.  You wasted 3 weeks of your time as you should have started moving on after no contact the first week.   He still didn't contact you, you had to contact him to find out what happened or you may have never heard from him again.   You deserve better.

[simpycurious]

4 hours ago, kenziejane said:

I'm sure he didn't want to hurt my feelings-- my problem is that I'm not fragile. If you are having that much doubt about whether or not you want to commit to me, after five months, then be straight up with me. I'd rather him tell me he's unsure and needs to think about it then lie about being stressed out and start giving me the bare minimum effort. Because that was confusing and sort of mean. I felt like I was being strung along for three weeks, in the dark about what was happening, while he figured it out. 

My time is valuable and important, and I feel like it got wasted a little by him not being forthright about what was going on in his mind. I probably would be a lot less upset if he'd just been upfront to begin with. 

I'm not saying he is a bad person for not wanting a relationship or commitment. I just think you should have a better idea after five months, and that taking three weeks off without explanation to mull it over, isn't really a great tactic. I thought he was trying to fade me out. A lot of confusion could have been avoided on my part. 

You are WHO YOU ARE so never be sorry for that.  You are not needy and you know what is right for YOU.  If this dude is not down with your situation then he needs to march........

[Scarlett.O'hara]

4 hours ago, kenziejane said:

 

Personally, I feel like I deserve to be with someone who doesn't need to take time away to figure out what they want from me, especially after five months. I really liked this man and enjoyed his company, but I don't think I will ever get what I want from him.

 

You're 100% correct, you do!  The only mistake you made was waiting around for three weeks for him to decide if or when you were wasting your time.  The fact is that shouldn't have been his choice.  The second he said he was not inspired to see you, you should have cut him off.

Try turning the situation around.  When you said to him that you're looking for a serious relationship, you shouldn't have waited for him to end things if he was unsure.  It would be much more empowering for you tell him that you're looking for a serious relationship and that this isn't working for you.  You should have been the one to end it on your terms because he wasn't showing enough interest. 

If he messed up and genuinely cared, he should have been the one to fix it, but he didn't because he is lazy and you had taught him through your actions that despite being frustrated and confused by his behavior, you you still wait around for him.  The old saying, "You teach people how to treat you" is certainly applicable here.

Credit to you that you've finally taken your power back now by ignoring him.  This is what you should be doing.  It makes it clear that his breadcrumbs are beneath you.

I hope you are able to close this chapter off quickly and find someone special.  You deserve better.

[poppyfields]

I agree he's fading but highly doubt it's because you're "older "

He's mid-20s, you're early 30s, this would hardly be considered "significantly older" or a "matriarch" as another poster suggested, good lordy. 

But yeah I'd move on, maybe he's a commitment phobe or something but you can do better.

Higher standards and all that.  .

Edited May 21, 2020 by poppyfields