Am I Wasting My Time?

[kenziejane]

So five months ago, I met a guy on the apps. I was a few months post divorce, so I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. We talked about it and agreed to take it slow, to date but keep things casual and relatively expectation free at first. Just get to know each other and see what happens. I did occasionally go on other dates but I’m not great at multi-dating so ended up ignoring the apps and focusing on this guy.

I’d say like two months ago, I felt a shift. Things definitely started to feel more relationship-like for various reasons (both through actions and conversation), and I was surprised by how happy I felt about that. Until I realized it was because of how much I’d grown to really like this guy and have actual feelings for him. He made it clear he felt the same. 

Then, seemingly out of nowhere recently, I felt another shift in the opposite direction. His texts became fewer, while we used to chat on and off throughout the day. He stopped staying the night when he came over (and he used to stay the night always). Overall, he started to feel distant. It’s just gotten more and more confusing. I’ll hear from him first thing in the morning, and then my texts will go unanswered until like 11pm. Even just the way he talks to me— less banter, less flirting, stopped calling me pet names, etc. Then there will be one random night we chat for hours like normal. What?! 

I partly know what everyone is going to say— five months. We should have had the DTR talk long ago, and if it hasn’t happened yet, it probably never will. I feel like normally I’m good at reading people but he’s so confusing to me. One day, I think he crazy about me and the other I’m convinced he just likes hooking up with me. Especially because he has never once asked to spend a day with me. It’s only ever evening dates, and I feel like right now we could very well be having walks in the park or what not. 

Earlier this week, someone I was connected with in the past reached out. I like talking to them but I feel guilty almost. Especially since he has asked for a date in the future. My friend’s opinion is why not, since the other guy hasn’t done a thing to make it seem like he wants to be exclusive. I feel like if he was interested in being in a relationship with me, he would have asked me to be his girlfriend by now. So therefore, maybe I should still be keeping my options open?

I haven’t dated much in about ten years (was married for a while) so I’m clueless. Please be kind lol This man is also in his mid-twenties and I’m early 30s so I wonder if age is playing into it.

[ShyViolet]

He's never made an effort to spend a day with you..... he only comes over at night.... to me that's weird.  It sounds like he does only view your relationship as sexual, just a hookup.  Putting that together with what else you said, about how he has become more distant lately, doesn't answer your texts all day, etc..... it doesn't sound like he's interested in making this relationship more serious.  I do think you should keep your options open.

[MsJayne]

Not what you want to hear, but it sounds like the Fade Out, so I'd just start dating other guys again. His behaviour pattern suggests that you've been filling a void in his life, and lately, the unanswered texts, the dropping of pet names, less banter, etc, to me is a sign that he's either having feelings of reservation about getting too involved with you, or he's met someone else who he's not sure about and is keeping you  on hand in case it doesn't work out. The other possibility is that he's worried he's been coming on too strong. Might sound a bit silly, but with you being the older part he may be waiting for your lead, he may actually feel that you're the one cooling off and is responding by backing off himself. Best way to find out is to ask him whether he wants to pursue a proper relationship, you'll either be pleasantly rewarded or you'll have retained your dignity by being the one who chooses not to continue if he doesn't see it going anywhere. Good luck : )    

[rkennedynl]

It sounds like there’s someone else in the picture for him and you’ve become the back up girl.

 When you felt the second shift I would listen to that.  Your mind is telling you something isn’t right. If after 5 months your not in a committed LTR and that’s what you want I would either propose the option or just walk away.

You sound like a good person and there are plenty of guys in the world looking for a good girl.

[Blind-Sided]

Unfortunately, I think everyone above is right.  He hasn't talked about be exclusive because... well... he's not.  He doesn't want to be with you during the day because he doesn't see you as being a GF.  He doesn't stay the night because he got what he wanted.  I know you say you can read people... but you have been in a relationship for 10 years... and you haven't been reading "Relationship" from people in your new age group.  Not to mention... you just wanted this to work because you are single for the first time in 10 years, and it's the human condition to be pair-bonded with another person.

Anyway... you should just break it off, and don't feel guilty about it.  You obviously want to be in a relationship, but you guy doesn't. Go out with the other guy.

[elaine567]

"Exclusive" doesn't mean "I'll marry you, I'll have your kids and you can die in my arms".
Exclusive means "I am not seeing, speaking to or sleeping with every man and his dog, we are only sleeping with each other".
One can be exclusive one day and split up the next, there is no ongoing commitment, no legal obligation.
I think it is a bad idea for women to agree to "casual", as it devalues them and many men will see that as  a green light to sleep around or to treat the woman like a free call girl.
If he then does want something more serious, he will likely not be looking in the direction of a "casual" woman.

Here it may just be the usual fading of a relationship that used to be pretty good but it is not anything to get excited about any longer.
Relationships can have expiry dates and it sounds like this one is time expired.
Unless you find a valid reason that has nothing to do with you, as to why he has pulled back, then you need to move on and not look back

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like this guy is dating someone else now, and is intentionally fading out. 

So, if you're interested, take the new guy up on his invitation! The first one's not that interested anymore anyway, and almost certainly isn't excluding other women either. 

[stillafool]

This guy is in his mid twenties and is probably still sowing his oates.  It's spring and it does sound like his interest in you has waned because he probably has someone else on his radar.  Spending the night probably seems too much like what a bf would do so he leaves right after sex.  I agree with others that you should start seeing other men.

[chillii]

 

Yep agree with the others. And you were um ahh yourself and went seeing other people too anyway .  he's just doing the same but he's lost all interest now l'd say.

[hippychick3]

As others have said, he is doing the fade out on you. It's almost a given that there is someone else he is talking to/seeing. Keep your options open and for the future, never commit yourself to a man who hasn't been explicitly clear he is exclusive with you. 

[smackie9]

The guy is dating someone else...that's why he hasn't made any move to make you two official. If you are looking for something more solid or develop eventually more solid, then dump this guy and simply move on.

[rjc149]

I think the fact that you have reservations and guilt about this reflects a self-confidence issue, maybe the result of emotional trauma from your divorce, or some other internal belief that tells you don't deserve better or that you can't find better than this. Or, maybe you are simply a higher-integrity woman who doesn't simply follow any momentary flight of emotion when you believe it would be inconsiderate of another's feelings or violating a boundary.

But, most women in your shoes, with or without integrity, would be happily going other dates guilt-free by now. Guys in their 20's aren't looking to commit to significantly older women, as harsh as that sounds. Guys of all ages, in fact, don't date matriarchs unless they have a few things hidden in the closet. 

Everything about this situation tells me that you're a fling. If you want more than that, you won't get it from him, and are wasting your time trying to figure him out any further. 

[kendahke]

You have no loyalty to this guy, so go on and go on the date with the other guy.

[FMW]

I agree, he's seeing someone else.  So of course you are free to do the same.  

[kenziejane]

11 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Not what you want to hear, but it sounds like the Fade Out, so I'd just start dating other guys again. His behaviour pattern suggests that you've been filling a void in his life, and lately, the unanswered texts, the dropping of pet names, less banter, etc, to me is a sign that he's either having feelings of reservation about getting too involved with you, or he's met someone else who he's not sure about and is keeping you  on hand in case it doesn't work out. The other possibility is that he's worried he's been coming on too strong. Might sound a bit silly, but with you being the older part he may be waiting for your lead, he may actually feel that you're the one cooling off and is responding by backing off himself. Best way to find out is to ask him whether he wants to pursue a proper relationship, you'll either be pleasantly rewarded or you'll have retained your dignity by being the one who chooses not to continue if he doesn't see it going anywhere. Good luck : )    

Slow fade is what many of my friends have been saying as well. At first I was also thinking maybe he was waiting for me to let him know what I wanted, as the older one in the relationship and the one who has already lived this whole other life and was married, etc. But yeah, it seems like his interest is waning which is fair. Relationships run their course sometimes and that's just what it is. 

[kenziejane]

17 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You have no loyalty to this guy, so go on and go on the date with the other guy.

I don't think this is fair. Yes, during our first two months of dating I went out with maybe two other men. Mostly because I felt like it's what I was supposed to be doing. Considering we live in a multi-dating culture. 

I probably shouldn't have, considering we were not exclusive, but I deleted all my apps back in February and was solely focused on him. He's been my priority for months now and if he had asked me to be exclusive, or be in a relationship, I would have said yes. 

For all I know, I was being loyal to someone who was not returning the favor. 

[kenziejane]

40 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I think the fact that you have reservations and guilt about this reflects a self-confidence issue, maybe the result of emotional trauma from your divorce, or some other internal belief that tells you don't deserve better or that you can't find better than this. Or, maybe you are simply a higher-integrity woman who doesn't simply follow any momentary flight of emotion when you believe it would be inconsiderate of another's feelings or violating a boundary.

But, most women in your shoes, with or without integrity, would be happily going other dates guilt-free by now. Guys in their 20's aren't looking to commit to significantly older women, as harsh as that sounds. Guys of all ages, in fact, don't date matriarchs unless they have a few things hidden in the closet. 

Everything about this situation tells me that you're a fling. If you want more than that, you won't get it from him, and are wasting your time trying to figure him out any further. 

I'm sure it's a combination of the above...not believing I deserve or will find better at my age, post-divorce trauma, etc. I also have feelings for this man and care about him, and I don't want to hurt him. It's the same reason I stayed with my ex-husband for so long really...I didn't want to hurt him despite his mistreatment. 

I'm trying to look at it from an outsider's perspective I guess it does seem like even if he does like me too, this isn't anything more serious than a fling for him. 

 

[kenziejane]

1 hour ago, hippychick3 said:

As others have said, he is doing the fade out on you. It's almost a given that there is someone else he is talking to/seeing. Keep your options open and for the future, never commit yourself to a man who hasn't been explicitly clear he is exclusive with you. 

Thank you, I'm going to take this to heart. 

I was trying to go on other dates for a bit, but I hated it. So I put all my eggs in one basket with him, and clearly it's not going anywhere. 

I seem to have trouble finding an in-between...I either match with men who want to commit to me after one date and barely know me, or those who have no interest in commitment at all. 

[hippychick3]

21 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

Slow fade is what many of my friends have been saying as well. At first I was also thinking maybe he was waiting for me to let him know what I wanted, as the older one in the relationship and the one who has already lived this whole other life and was married, etc. But yeah, it seems like his interest is waning which is fair. Relationships run their course sometimes and that's just what it is. 

As the older one in my current relationship and having been pursued by many other younger men before this relationship,  I will tell you that men who start fading are not waiting for you to let them know what you want as an older person. Most younger men like the chase and chase hard if they're interested. As soon as they back off, expect that their interest has waned and then move on. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, kenziejane said:

He's been my priority for months now

What I meant was you don't owe him any loyalty.

You aren't a  priority to him, only an option. It's looking like he got what he came for and demoted you to option status.

Therefore, the whole loyalty thing, while it looks good on paper, is now a non-starter because of how he's chosen to treat with you without telling you why he's treating you like this.

Edited May 6, 2020 by kendahke

[Calmandfocused]

He’s too young for you Op. 

He’s at an age where he doesn’t want to be tied down. You’ve been married and divorced. You’re at completely different stages of life. 
 

I agree he’s probably seeing someone else. So should you. 

[kenziejane]

Thanks for the honesty and kindness, everyone. The last few days I have really slowed down on how much attention I give him. Of course I wasn’t too surprised when that made him ramp back up and increase his texts again, ask to see me, etc. I’m pretty sure that’s just him trying to reign me back in? Going into chase mode again to keep me, but I assume he’ll go right back to treating me like a backburner. 
 

The other guy and I discovered we’ve been living right down the street from each other this whole time. Last night we met in the park at the end of the block and took a long walk. It was so nice! He was very sweet, and I’m looking forward to seeing him again hopefully. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, kenziejane said:

Thanks for the honesty and kindness, everyone. The last few days I have really slowed down on how much attention I give him. Of course I wasn’t too surprised when that made him ramp back up and increase his texts again, ask to see me, etc. I’m pretty sure that’s just him trying to reign me back in? Going into chase mode again to keep me, but I assume he’ll go right back to treating me like a backburner. 
 

The other guy and I discovered we’ve been living right down the street from each other this whole time. Last night we met in the park at the end of the block and took a long walk. It was so nice! He was very sweet, and I’m looking forward to seeing him again hopefully. 

Honestly at this point I'd just come right out and say, "Hey, it's been so great getting to know you. I'm not feeling like we're a romantic match but I'd be happy to remain friends! Let's catch up once in a while." I wouldn't be waiting to see if he'd ramp up the attention once I ignored him.

I'm getting a strong vibe of: he's seeing someone else and you're his backup in case he can't get this off the ground with her. Obviously I could be wrong, but if he really was interested in you he's almost definitely be finding ways to keep speaking to you; of trying to make sure he was always on your mind. He wouldn't be lukewarm and not really starting anything with you yet reeling you back in for a minute of you strayed too far from his "in case of" reach. And even if that isn't it, do you want a relationship where the guy doesn't really bother with you much unless you pretend you don't care? HOw could that be satisfying , KWIM?

Personally, I wouldn't wait for this guy to make a decision. I'd be making it for him: okay, just friends, off to find a romance partner. JMO.

Edited May 7, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[kenziejane]

51 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Honestly at this point I'd just come right out and say, "Hey, it's been so great getting to know you. I'm not feeling like we're a romantic match but I'd be happy to remain friends! Let's catch up once in a while." I wouldn't be waiting to see if he'd ramp up the attention once I ignored him.

I'm getting a strong vibe of: he's seeing someone else and you're his backup in case he can't get this off the ground with her. Obviously I could be wrong, but if he really was interested in you he's almost definitely be finding ways to keep speaking to you; of trying to make sure he was always on your mind. He wouldn't be lukewarm and not really starting anything with you yet reeling you back in for a minute of you strayed too far from his "in case of" reach. And even if that isn't it, do you want a relationship where the guy doesn't really bother with you much unless you pretend you don't care? HOw could that be satisfying , KWIM?

Personally, I wouldn't wait for this guy to make a decision. I'd be making it for him: okay, just friends, off to find a romance partner. JMO.

I agree, and I did type out a text explaining that I felt we were looking for different things and weren’t on the same page romantically. But I had fun with him and liked getting to know him. 
 

I definitely don’t want to keep waiting around. 

[The Outlaw]

If he isn't willing to commit after that amount of time, just move on. That's just entirely too long for him to not have made a move and make it official.