I feel like I will never be able to be in a happy or healthy relationship.

[ThereSheGoes]

Hi all,

This might be a bit lengthy, so heads up. I just don't know where to go to discuss what I am feeling. I don't have any friends, and I feel like my family wouldn't understand. They are very religious and not fond of me having secular romantic relationships.

Some back story about me: I'm 29, I'm unemployed, I live at home with my family, and I'm currently in college. I was single for 4 years before I met my ex boyfriend. But when I was single, I had been on a lot of dates, tried out every internet app, have gone out with every type of guy you can think of, and because of that, I have a lot of stories.

Another fact about me is that at 24, I was sexually assaulted by one of these men. I had a lot of issues stemming from that incident. I became very promiscuous, along with a lost of self value. I'm doing better now, but my current interactions with men tend to bring me in to a vulnerable headspace, which in turn makes those feelings of self worth resurface. I'm strong, I can deal with it, but it's beginning to make me think there's something really wrong with me, and perhaps I should go and speak with someone.

Anyway.

On to the topic at hand.

Like I said, I'm in college. It means the world to me, because I never thought I would be able to go to college,  and so I take it very seriously.
Because I am so serious about my education, right before I started school, I broke off all of the relationships I had outside of my family, so they wouldn't be a distraction. These were friendships and my ex boyfriend. (Also because, they weren't the most healthy relationships I needed to have, and I needed to get rid of dead weight. I wanted to start fresh.)

But of course, you start to feel isolated, and there's only so much studying you can do. So in my second semester, I created a PoF, looking for conversation. I told guys straight up what I was looking for, and that didn't go too well. I also wasn't that active because school kept me busy.
But of course, in Winter Break with nothing to do, I found myself on there. Bored and looking for some conversation.

I met a man named Blake. He was kinda new to town, wasn't too aware of the scene here.  He was fresh out of a divorce and was having feelings of loneliness and just trying to figure out his footing. He was restless, and out of impulse, he accepted a job in Australia and he was just waiting to hear back for the date for when he gets to move out.

Instantly, we had a great connection. We would talk for hours and hours and hours. Lol. Up until three A.M. most nights. We video chatted, and even though we would literally be texting all day, by night fall, we would still have so much to tell each other.

3 weeks passed, and he was pressing for a meetup. I kept telling him no. I told him that I wasn't looking to establish anything with anyone, I wasn't looking to build anything concrete. I have to stay focused. But obviously, I broke down, or I wouldn't be here writing about this.

Our first date was......amazing. He owns his own business, and he had a job to go look at that was three hours away, and he knows how I adore road trips. So, we went on a road trip, we sang songs, we stopped at a really horrible diner. Lol. We went to the beach (even though it was cold) we went to a beer garden, and then back to his place for dinner. I slept with him that night.

Another factor about me: Because of my previous promiscuity, I have had quite a few partners. I think I'm at 32. But out of those 32 experiences, only 5 were enjoyable for me. I didn't have an orgasm, but I enjoyed it. He is one of the 5.

Fast forward, we go on another date. He bought me clothes to keep at his place, sleepwear and such.  (Which is weird because, the conversation never even came up about it, he just randomly asked me what size clothing do I wear) He also bought feminine products, like bodywash, shampoo, a hair dryer. Just so I could have it when I'm there. He's calling his place 'our place' and 'our home.' We're holding hands, we're kissing, we're giggling, we're talking to each other about the looming Australia trip, and how much it's gonna suck, and how much we'll miss each other, and he's giving me the long gazes and....we're in a total Hallmark movie.

Valentines day comes up, and he went above and BEYOND. I wish I could post pictures, but he basically tricked out the living room in his apartment to look like a midnight picnic in Paris. It was expensive. There were flowers everywhere. A white gauzy tent, fairy lights and candles, and music. Cheese, chocolate covered strawberries and 'wine' (I don't drink, so he gave me strawberry lemonade in a wine glass. Lol) he even sent me on a Valentines day scavenger hunt. We slow danced. It was THE most romantic moment I have ever had in my life.

Fast forward again. It's Spring break. He wanted to go somewhere, because again, he was feeling restless (he's a  travel junky). He was thinking an island, but I don't have a passport so it would have to be stateside. We went to New Orleans. On the way there, he was getting really sick, and by the next day, I had to take him to the hospital. I was there holding his hand, kissing his face, talking to the doctors, setting everything up. When he got better enough to be released, he told me how thankful he was to me, and how much it meant to have me there, that I didn't leave him. He kept saying it over and over, like no one had ever done that for him. Anyway, we were able to continue on, and we went to Bourbon street where we had the time of our lives. He also said that he loved me, and no, he had not been drinking. (Thats another thing. He had never had a problem with alcohol, but his wife did. So he was constantly surrounded by alcohol. With me, he didn't realize you could have so much fun while sober.)

I ended up spending two weeks at his place after the trip to New Orleans. I cooked, I cleaned. He would come home to a hot meal every night. I would give him a massage or a bath, with candles and bath salts and oils. It was a very domesticated, yet very intimate and romantic time together.
During this time, I also experienced my very first orgasm with a man. And double whammy, it was during oral sex. I can have an orgasm on my own, but I've never been able to have one with a partner. And I've always been against receiving oral sex, because I never liked how it felt. But there I was, having two firsts with this man. (Actually, three. I had never been out of the state either. He took me out of the state for the first time.)

So we return back to our normal lives. Because of the Quarantine, we weren't able to see each other. I live with my mom, three younger siblings and my grandparents. I am afraid of contracting the virus and bringing it back to my family, especially to my mom and grandparents, who are the most susceptible.

But one day, early on in our Quarantine, he invited me out to lunch one day. I was getting ready. My mom saw me getting ready, asked me where was I going. I told her I was going out with Blake. She told me that if I left the house, I would not be able to come back until the end of the epidemic. So I told him I couldn't leave. He sounded fine, but I later found out that it pissed him off. He became distant, and then stopped talking to me for three days. In turn, because I'm a bit of an emotional mimic, I react how you react. If I'm dating you, and you suddenly become distant, I'm going to become distant. So, because of that, I stopped talking to him for three days. We hashed it out though, we realized that we were acting childish and stupid, and we need to handle our feelings better. But....I will confess and say, the entire time he was ghosting me, I was wracked with jealousy and paranoia. I was crying and I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about this girl who he was pretty much falling for right before he met me.....but she ghosted him, and that really hurt him. But I know him enough to know, that she if she were to beckon him back over......there's a good chance he would go to her.

And I just can't help but feel super insecure. He has expressed that he prefers women of a particular age, he likes them a little older, he prefers single moms, because he likes being a dad. And he likes women of a particular ethnicity and size. And she's all of that.

I am NONE of those things. So....I was feeling really gross. And yes, we are not in a relationship. He's not my boyfriend. He doesn't owe me loyalty. If anything, we're glorified sex buddies.
But we might as well be together, because of how much contact we had, how much we express our feelings. And thats what keeps confusing me. Because we're expressing one thing, but we're technically another, and he doesn't seem to want to make it concrete.

I've asked him about being my boyfriend when we were in New Orleans, and he said no. Reasons being, he just got out of a divorce a year ago, he wants some time to be free, and because of the looming Australia move, he doesn't want to go over there attached, because he knows that he will be unfaithful. Just point blank, period, he will cheat on me. Because he cheated on his wife, when he was living abroad for two years. He cheated on her 14 times. 4 of them were with prostitutes.
They were married for 12 years.

So I got it.
But it still stung.
And I'm feeling a lot of insecurity and confusion. He's telling some people I'm his friend, calling me his friend, saying our 'friendship' and then he'll slip up and call it a 'relationship', he's told his entire family about me, told all of his friends about me, calls me his woman, gets jealous if he thinks I'm talking to another guy, says 'our apartment' and even asked me, several times, if I would be interested in moving in with him.

I have been in situations where I am sexually intimate with a man, and he's being romantic towards me, and then all of a sudden he just ghosts. So  a lot of my insecurities are popping up, and I'm having issues sleeping. It feels like every man I come in to contact with uses me as some sort of escort or prostitute, hired body in his bed, and then as soon as he is bored or finished, he ditches me without explanation. But the next woman he meets, he gives her commitment. And not just commitment, but life long companionship. And it's like....what is it about me that I don't deserve a man who will honor me, respect me, be kind to me.....love me?
I'm conventionally pretty, I don't have any kids, don't have any debt, I love to cook and clean, I kinda have a retro vibe about me, I love adventures, I love doing things far outside of the box. I'm pretty much down for whatever, whenever. And I'm sexually aware.
A man doesn't want that?
Or men just don't want me?

Anyway. There has been a massive switch in our communication. Not getting morning texts anymore, in fact, rarely ever getting texts. He was calling me once every day, and that was our interaction for that day. Then it was he would call me, and then suddenly some reason would pop up that he needed to get off. Now we're skipping days, and he's not contacting me at all, period. He says he's been busy, but I'm later finding out that he's going to pool parties, going to social gatherings, block parties. But he can't call or text me. And again, I'm a mimic. You're not calling me, I'm not calling you. Due to the virus, the Australia trip has also been put on hold. I kinda feel like maybe that was his whole excuse to just have a fling without getting attached, but since that's now a 50/50 possibility, maybe he doesn't know what to do with himself. Again, my paranoid brain is thinking of every reason why I'm sensing distance between us.

I feel like this is just going in the way of previous interactions I've had with men. I feel like crying, because I really like him, and I thought we had a connection. I feel a lot for him.
But also because, this keeps happening to me. I'm turning 30 this summer. I know I'm not where I need to be as an adult, and that's why I'm working on building myself a career. But I've seen so many women who have less than me to offer, yet a man will stick with them. Why can't I have a man to stay by my side? Why are they more eligible than me?

My impulse is to tell him that I want to schedule a meet up so I can get my lingerie back (I was keeping it there, because my siblings like to come in to my room, go through my drawers and I didn't want them to find it)
But I feel like that's also fear speaking. My go to is, if I sense you are about to flee, I take that jump first. And that's not healthy.

But....I also feel like he's about to ghost, and I want my stuff back. Because I've had men do that before, where when they decided to ghost on me, I asked them for the stuff back that I may have left at their apartment, and they refused to answer. I lost a vintage umbrella that way.

What to do? Are my feelings correct? Should I just jump before he jumps? Am I overreacting?

Edited May 3, 2020 by ThereSheGoes

[preraph]

I guess he couldn't see himself going without sex for the entire quarantine.  If you had been living together or he had invited you to stay with him instead of your parents, then you could have stayed in quarantine with him but you couldn't have gone to see your parents.  Now, he is a full grown man and should understand that the quaranatine isn't your fault and that you are doing the sensible thing.  Doesn't sound like he is, so I would certainly not be around him until you be sure he's not still taking chances and catching it.  

 

Your past is your past.  A lot of women go through a period like you did.  It's not unusual, but I will tell you that it is something you don't share with men because they are still, in 2020, judgy and in some cases double-standard about it.  So you should never give any man your number.  It will not end well, no matter if it's 12 or 100.  Men like to believe whoever they're with has never been with anyone sexually but them or at least that they were the best.  You and I both know this is childish and egotistical and unrealistic, but I'm telling you, that is how it usually is still, today, in 2020.  

 

I'm sorry you had the assault.  At least one in four women have been assaulted, and yes, it changes how we do things, who we trust, and some of us act out trying to just normalize it.  If you feel you need help, see if you can find a victim's advocate or women's shelter or hotline to talk to.  There is a national hotline easily googled.  It might help talk it out.  

 

What is happening is you are seeing how your bf is during adverse conditions when he is not getting what he wants, which is more than likely sex.  He's sulled up like a little child.  So all you can do is add that info to what you already knew about him and be glad you found out now, when it's about something you have no control over, instead of later at some critical juncture.  You've seen he doesn't have good common sense and probably isn't being safe, so you know he's not the best protector going forward. 

 

You may or may not want to keep seeing him once this is over, knowing what you now know about him.  For what it's worth, if you had been quarantined together, you'd be sick of each other for now and it would be for a whole new set of reasons.  

 

[FMW]

He straight up told you he will see other women - I think you need to think about that seriously.  Are you really interested in continuing a relationship with someone that tells you that?  Someone who tells others that you are "friends"?  Someone who was socializing with others while being silent with you?  I'm asking that to point out that if things don't work out you aren't losing anything.      

And this is about who he is, not about anything wrong with you or lacking in you.  

This was a step along the way to learning about yourself and what you want and need.  Now you know you can have an orgasm with a man, and that you can enjoy receiving oral sex.  Those are your positive takeaways.  He's not special - another man, the right one, can share those same experiences with you.

Go ahead and contact him about getting your things.  You don't have to make a big deal about it or say you're "breaking up", just tell him that since you can't see each other for awhile you'd like to keep your things with you.    

[preraph]

And just so you don't keep trying to equate the two, who gives you an orgasm and who you fall in love with don't necessarily align.  Trust me.  Making love is more fulfilling than just having sex, that's for sure, but it's no guarantee either of you are actually orgasm engineers!  It's something you can at least work on if you love each other, though, taking time to do that. 

[smackie9]

He felt rejected and acted insecure self entitled self centred jerk that he is....he lashed out like a child. He is showing his true colours. He’s thinking he did all those wonderful things for you, so you OWE IT him to be with him. Girl just walk away. Lingerie or whatever you left there is not worth it. Just disappear. 

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by smackie9

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

How can you not feel angry towards him, even a smidgen? 
 

Let’s get the facts straight: 

 

You went above and beyond what the usual duties of  a (new) partner entails. You were there for him in hospital, nursed him for the 2 weeks following his discharge, cared for him every which way possible, and gave up all of your own needs during that time. 
 

And despite all of that ....he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend and he openly admits to wanting to shag other women! And he can’t even wait to get close to other women when you’re in quarantine. 
 

What a nice guy! 

Op, this man has every right to enjoy his new found singledom. What he doesn’t have a right to do is mess you around, devalue and disrespect you. 
 

Where is your dignity and self respect? Instead of pining for him, look at his actions and question whether you want to be with a man who discards you like that. 
 

My sense is that you need to do some work on you before you contemplate getting into a relationship and get yourself settled in other areas of your life first. 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[ThereSheGoes]

Thank you guys for your reply, and reassuring me that my feelings were valid, and something is actually wrong. I was afraid that my own feelings were clouding my judgement, and I might have been about to ruin a good thing.

 

I guess for me, there was a lot of firsts. And I've never experienced someone who wanted to spoil me, physically and emotionally. But I'm beginning to maybe think that him doing those things (Like the romantic dinners, the Valentines day extravaganza, the gifts) Was more for him than for me? Maybe he receives a narcissistic pleasure from it, because it paints him in a grand light? I even asked him if the the V-day thing was for him or for me, because he stated that with the girl he had been seeing before me, he gave her a bubble bath with candles and flowers and she loved it, and it really made him puff out his chest and feel good, because SHE was swooning over it, and making him in to like....the most romantic guy ever to walk the planet. 

And he couldn't really give me a straight answer. It was a 'I did it for you, because I wanted to do it.' Not because you're special to me, and I care about you, and I wanted to make you happy. Which....I was looking for.

 

As far as other women currently, I don't know if he's sleeping with other women. He's very Mr. Personality, can talk to anyone and doesn't lack in confidence. I wouldn't be surprised. I don't think he is though, but I've been wrong about a lot of things, lol.

 

I don't know. I just thought I had met my match, and apparently I haven't. I feel like I'm never going to meet that guy. I haven't been in love in over ten years. And even that love was problematic.

[preraph]

Get two dogs.  Then you'll have a yardstick to measure men by. 

[ShyViolet]

The minute that you asked him if he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend and he said no, you should have distanced yourself from him.  He was honest with you and told you that he can't commit to you, he knows he is going to want to see other people.  I guess it's good at least, that he was honest.  You need to move on from this guy.

You have very low self-esteem.  It sounds like the sexual assault that happened to you in the past really affected you and you never processed it.  I strongly recommend that you get into therapy.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Your past promiscuity is a result of your past trauma(s) and perspective on relationships. You are not over that. You made it clear that you did not want a serious relationship and that is a beacon for many that you are open to FWB. He sees you as such. A FWB. Of course he is going to be nice. If he digs you as a fun and hot FWB, he doesn't want to lose that and he told you that he wants to enjoy his single status. 

Firsts of any kind is not a guarantee of anything profound. He just happened to spend a little more attention to your physical needs. Something other men apparently hadn't. I feel you need to refocus on your education. I hope you haven't at least lost that after all your attempts to get there. 

[ThereSheGoes]

Thank you guys for your responses.  I now realized that I was doing the right thing by staying to myself and focusing on my studies (Which, I'm doing great, I have a 4.0 GPA right now, and I have been officially inducted in to the Honors Society at my college)

 

I texted him to see if he was available to talk (haven't spoken to him all day)  because I wanted to ask if I could schedule a meet up so I could get my things, and I get: "I'm at the lake. I'm not by my phone. I'll chat later." Then sends a picture of him on a motor boat, surrounded by other motor boats.

 

So, I'm going to wait till he gets back in touch with me (I have a feeling he is not going to tonight) and I'll tell him. If not, I'll just shoot him a text before bed. I kinda want to cry a little bit, lol. But I'm holding back. So. I just have to get through this period, and I'll be okay. Just have to get through.

Edited May 3, 2020 by ThereSheGoes

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Thank you guys for your responses.  I now realized that I was doing the right thing by staying to myself and focusing on my studies (Which, I'm doing great, I have a 4.0 GPA right now, and I have been officially inducted in to the Honors Society at my college)

 

I texted him to see if he was available to talk (haven't spoken to him all day)  because I wanted to ask if I could schedule a meet up so I could get my things, and I get: "I'm at the lake. I'm not by my phone. I'll chat later." Then sends a picture of him on a motor boat, surrounded by other motor boats.

 

So, I'm going to wait till he gets back in touch with me (I have a feeling he is not going to tonight) and I'll tell him. If not, I'll just shoot him a text before bed. I kinda want to cry a little bit, lol. But I'm holding back. So. I just have to get through this period, and I'll be okay. Just have to get through.

Get counseling on the assault.

you will likely have relationship issues if you don’t.

 

 

[preraph]

1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Thank you guys for your responses.  I now realized that I was doing the right thing by staying to myself and focusing on my studies (Which, I'm doing great, I have a 4.0 GPA right now, and I have been officially inducted in to the Honors Society at my college)

 

I texted him to see if he was available to talk (haven't spoken to him all day)  because I wanted to ask if I could schedule a meet up so I could get my things, and I get: "I'm at the lake. I'm not by my phone. I'll chat later." Then sends a picture of him on a motor boat, surrounded by other motor boats.

 

So, I'm going to wait till he gets back in touch with me (I have a feeling he is not going to tonight) and I'll tell him. If not, I'll just shoot him a text before bed. I kinda want to cry a little bit, lol. But I'm holding back. So. I just have to get through this period, and I'll be okay. Just have to get through.

He'll probably be drunk if he's been on the lake all day. Boy that sounds fun. 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling down at a time when you should be so proud of yourself and celebrating. Honor Society! Wow, that is really something! I suppose as a parting shot you could tell him that you're a 4.0 looking for another 4.0. 

Be kind to yourself. You are doing great, and things will only get better for you. 

[ThereSheGoes]

So, just a little update.

 

I texted him yesterday, and he immediately responded. Lol. He then called me, and I asked if I wanted to come over today (He said tomorrow, but it's now tomorrow)  I told him I couldn't because of my school load, and I was just going to drop by, grab my stuff and leave. He said, I don't understand why we can't just hang out if you're coming by. I said nope. (I did ask him what he was anticipating if I did come over, and he said, 'Well, you sound like you don't want me touching you.'  and then got quiet. But anyway)

I wake up this morning, to a text that says: "I slept on it. I'm sorry I haven't given our relationship the attention it deserves. I'm afraid time has elapsed and my feelings aren't there anymore. I will mail your clothes to you this week."

 

I told him that he should have told me when he first started feeling that way, and asked if I wasn't allowed to get my things myself.

He said: "I just told you now. I wasn't thinking about it a whole lot because we couldn't see each other from quarantine and I've been busy with projects/employee issues. Yes you can get it yourself."

I told him that he knew his feelings had changed before I even brought up the lingerie (which within our relationship, me taking my clothes back is a sign that I'm ending things)

I told him that he never had to pretend with me, that I have always given him the floor to be honest with me, and he decided not to, twice. And then he said, "I'm sorry. You've always been great. I'm driving and I have to stop texting."

At this point, that just pissed me off. It was like he was insulting my intelligence, insulting my efforts, belittling and patronizing me. It was very obnoxious. So at this point.....do I really care to spend $20 bucks to hop a ride over there, to just grab some $40 lingerie and leave? Is it even worth seeing him?

Hell no.

 

So I told him to keep it. He said, "Don't be mad, I'll mail it." I said I don't want it.

Then he sends me this: " Look, you have every right to be mad. I want it on the record that what caused this was the time apart. It was neither of our fault for this Pandemic. I had a lot of fun with you, but the time apart just made this happen."

 

So to ME.....that sounded like. 1. He was trying to escape responsibility. 2. He knew he messed up, but he was trying to save face. 3. He didn't even want to ATTEMPT to acknowledge that it wasn't the situation, it was him. 4. He lacks emotional integrity.

 

It was like someone just turned on all of the lights, and cut the music off. I saw him. I saw him for who he really was. He was just like every other a**h*** I have come across THUS far. PRETENDING to be a good guy. All of the sweet things he did, was not for me. It was for HIM. Validating him. Everything was ABOUT HIM.

 

And now knowing this, I feel better, I feel stronger about my future. But.....I hate myself for allowing this to happen, AGAIN. I was doing well. Going almost a year without dating, without contact. I WAS DOING GOOD. And then this guy just came in and I allowed this to just..........

 

I put my health in danger. I put my heart in danger. I thought I had broken the habit, but apparently I haven't. I need to go back in to self reflection, possibly get into some therapy.

 

But, my god. The nerve.

[preraph]

Well, he certainly sounds like he's all about him alright.  Apparently if he's not getting laid, he sees no reason whatever to communicate with the woman he's been seeing or supporting her in any way through a world crisis.  Yes, I can see where you have a much clearer view of him now.  No substance there whatever.  You are too much better than that.  He is as shallow as puddle.  

[kendahke]

On 5/3/2020 at 11:57 AM, ThereSheGoes said:

I've asked him about being my boyfriend when we were in New Orleans, and he said no. Reasons being, he just got out of a divorce a year ago, he wants some time to be free, and because of the looming Australia move, he doesn't want to go over there attached, because he knows that he will be unfaithful. Just point blank, period, he will cheat on me. Because he cheated on his wife, when he was living abroad for two years. He cheated on her 14 times. 4 of them were with prostitutes.
They were married for 12 years.

Just because he told you this point blank doesn't mean it's ok.  That is a character defect.  He doesn't have it in him to be faithful to any woman. He's good on the wine, dine and win them over with grandiose displays of affection, but he isn't capable of having integrity in relationships, and that speaks to how he really feels about women and what they deserve out of him. He doesn't like them. You would never be happy with someone you could never trust: someone who would most likely bring home the clap or worse to you.

 

On 5/4/2020 at 12:05 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

But.....I hate myself for allowing this to happen,

Don't. Re-read this post--those are the words of a strong woman who didn't fall for his okey-doke.

You got the information and confirmation you needed to set him adrift for good.  IOW--you snatched back your crown and placed it on your head. He and no other man will be able to pull this over on you again because you will see this coming at 500 paces. You're so much further ahead on the curve than a lot of women with far less self esteem than you.  Plenty of them would be turning themselves inside out to pacify and placate him right about now.