snowboy91 Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 GF and I have been together nearly 2 years, and started living together about 7 months ago (was going to be a temporary measure since I was between houses, but turned out to be permanent), and got our own place at the start of the year. We're now limited to a tiny apartment 24/7 apart from essential travel. I've mentioned part of it in a previous thread, but there has been a lot of distance between us for a while (we've both acknowledged this), and I'm not sure if it's down to the Covid lockdown or something worse. The frequency of sex decreased from about 2x a week to once every 4 weeks around September last year, and stopped entirely about 2 months ago. I've spent some time trying to accept that the relationship is going to be essentially sexless from now on - I felt like I had for a while, but that was because I myself had been feeling numb and depressed. But now I'm a bit more used to the lockdown and my frustration is starting to re-emerge. Generally there isn't much affection at all now. I try to show heaps of affection myself, use kind words, etc to try and bring us closer but nothing seems to be getting through to her. As people living together, we work well and manage not to annoy each other at all from what I can tell. We talk about trying to make time to be intimate with each other, but we seem to slip back into watching TV and not really changing anything. We now seem to be doing a lot more activities separately, and it feels like I'm encouraged to leave the apartment for exercise more frequently (it's still considered "essential" here). It's starting to feel more like we're housemates in terms of intimacy, but she's still willing to move her life around my plans for the future (since I may need to move to another country to pursue a career once the pandemic is over). I guess this post is more of a rant since there isn't any way of escaping or doing much more about it for quite a long time to come. But I'm also not sure whether there's anything I can do that I've missed so I can work on making things better.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 Unless you can get her to explain to you what's going on in her head & what she would need to takes steps back toward being closer with you, I fear you are stuck at least until lock down is over. In an effort to fix things, can you prepare a romantic dinner for the two of you. . . candle-light, soft music etc. ? Maybe the right atmosphere will help her to talk to you more about her expectations. Then you can decide what to do next because you will have more information & insight at that point.
Marc878 Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 Some relationships just don’t workout for whatever reason. All relationships should be balanced. They all take work from both sides. If one puts in way more than the other it won’t end well. What you want and what she wants may not be compatible. 2
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 Idk, at the heart of this, the problem seems to be communication. If you can't communicate with each other EFFECTIVELY, then I don't see a point in put each other into each other's futures. You seem like you are living together for convenience sake at this point. I think you should come up with a series of last ditch attempts to communicate--use a professional if that helps, see a professional together if that helps; at the minimum do your research at least with books from professionals before you make this last series of attempts to talk to her and to hear her. If either of you says something/anything that can be "worked on" or where a person can meet the other halfway AND you see progress in that area, definitely build on it and appreciate it. It probably won't be perfect progress or a 180 but if you give it a chance it may gain momentum and get closer to perfect. I feel like if you are not ready to just walk away right now then you will feel regret if you don't TRY something. If you want to do nothing (i don't recommend this), then I would guess that you will let an external source, ie your career, the passage of more time, one or the other of you finding someone else while still in the relationship make the decision for you. The bad thing about that is that you won't get the practice that you may need for the next relationship so it's not like you will "escape" these issues altogether with a new person. Also if she is the one who throws you the curveball, in breaking up with you first, it could be a heartbreak that takes a chunk out of your life in terms of moving onto the next or very realstically since you're living together could be an upheaval in that way. I'm sure iso is making it a bit of a pressure cooker but since you've been together a while, there's obviously love there where you should at least explore what is going on. Good luck 2
Blind-Sided Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 (edited) Yep... I agree with @Marc878 on this. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you are compatible as a life partner. Sex is VERY important to some... and not so important to others. Myself... I can go a long time if I truly love someone. (like my exW) But if you have a high drive... it will slowly eat at you, and you will start looking elsewhere. AND, on the other side of it... your GF may just get tired of hearing you ask for sex, and in turn, create friction... and the inevitable break up later down the road. Edited May 3, 2020 by Blind-Sided 3
preraph Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 Look, sounds to me like she might have been in need of a place to live and used you to get a place to live and then stopped having sex and acting like she cared once she was in. I hope I'm wrong. But just going by what you wrote here, she is nothing more than a roommate who is keeping you from meeting the woman of your dreams now! As soon as the lease is up, boot her out! Or you leave, depending on who is on the lease. 1
carhill Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 Unless willing to live life as platonic friends with someone you're attracted to sexually, IMO move on. It's an unbalanced relationship. Heck, there's not even simple human affection. I'd rather be bankrupt living in a tent than throw my life away on such a human. However, I'm old with lots of experience with humans so crusty and cynical. When younger I was a lot like you. It ate at me. Don't let it get you. Billions out there.
FMW Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 Only you know what you can live with and what makes you happy. Clearly, this isn't it. Both physical and emotional intimacy are essential to me for building and maintaining a relationship with someone. I wouldn't waste time trying to hold on to a relationship that despite my best attempts continued to be flat. I'm older and learned the hard way in a long marriage. Do what you can to try and improve things, but don't keep holding on if nothing changes.
smackie9 Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 I think the relationship has ran it’s course and you both have simply grown apart. Relationships don’t always end on bad terms or that you don’t get along. You both didn’t have it for the long haul. I agree there needs to be more communication to make a decision on this.
ShyViolet Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Have you talked about it with her, like REALLY talked about it? From your post it's not clear that you have. It sounds like you don't have great communication. This relationship may have run its course and the feelings between the two of you may have died. If that's the case, then it's time to move on. But first you have to find out what's really in her head.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 It sounds like your relationship is over. Has been long before COVID. When the lockdown is over, plan to leave or help her leave. Depending upon the financial situation, this will be smooth after mutual recognition that this relationship is over, or brutal, if one or the other is not in the position to find his/her own place.
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 On 5/3/2020 at 1:42 PM, snowboy91 said: We talk about trying to make time to be intimate with each other, but we seem to slip back into watching TV and not really changing anything. I have never "talked" about making time to be intimate. That to me would be a complete turn off. I guess, here your gf she has settled into domesticity. She is in no hurry to get pregnant so sex is not a priority to her. She is happy to follow you anywhere as you get along, so she probably does love you.. Love and sex do not equate in the minds of many women. l think some women give sex as much of thought as one would give a game of a squash or a walk in the park. OK if it happens, it may be even nice when it happens, but no big deal if it doesn't. The fact you felt you had to make an "appointment" for sex, which usually fell through, means sex is not of any interest to her. Once every 4 weeks is quite common it seems for some women, it is when they naturally feel the urge or when they feel it is necessary to give in to keep their man. I guess she felt she could get away with no sex at all, so she has now stopped trying. When a person gives up on sex, then it seems to me they also get immune to all attempts to turn them on, so extra affection, touching, doing nice things, romantic gestures are not well received. They will deliberately ignore, make up excuses or will even get angry and annoyed. Some will try to "bully" the uninterested person into sex with threats or emotional blackmail, but whist that may work short term, it rarely lasts. This is a new relationship, if this is not what you want long term, you need to get out. 5
chillii Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Yeah op l believe elaine has pretty well nailed it there .
rjc149 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Yep this is what happens to perfectly good relationships when the decision is made to move in together. The mystery, excitement, romance, and sexual tension fades and is replaced by TMI familiarity. You know what the bathroom smells like after she just took a Thai food sh-t. This is why marriages often become sexless after a time. You become roommates, and the little things that bug you about each other slowly but surely stews into resentment and contempt. My take: if there isn't any sex and she isn't complaining, she's possibly getting it elsewhere. I would have your antennae up. Your relationship is dying. Don't resign yourself to a sexless relationship, unless you're in your 70's. 1
lurker74 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 58 minutes ago, elaine567 said: When a person gives up on sex, then it seems to me they also get immune to all attempts to turn them on, so extra affection, touching, doing nice things, romantic gestures are not well received. They will deliberately ignore, make up excuses or will even get angry and annoyed. This is such a profound statement. When people talk about dead bedrooms, it's almost never about the sex, or at least not just about the sex. It's about the total shut down of intimacy. When one person does something romantic for the others, whether it's a light touch on the shoulder and s/he walks by or a trip to Paris, the giver should get something in return...a return of affection and appreciation. But when one party has closed off the natural romantic path of intimacy (sex), then s/he also refuses the small gift and moments of romance because to do otherwise is to risk a walk down the path toward sex. So they ignore, reject, or even ridicule. The effects on the giver are enormous. Do not go down that path. Communicate with you GF clearly and respectfully so that you can exit the relationship cleanly, if it comes to that, which it most likely will. She may change a little in the short term to keep you but we cannot change who we are completely (at least, not very easily) so keep that in mind.
Calmandfocused Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Op, I’m assuming you and your girlfriend are youngish? 20s? I’m a 40 year old woman and sex is very important to me. Not only sex but physical expressions of intimacy including hugging, kissing, holding hands etc. It’s part of the fun in being in a relationship IMO and it’s also important in terms of connecting on a physical and emotional level. I couldn’t for one moment imagine being in a relationship where I hadn’t had sex for 2 months. A dead sex life to me equates to a dying sexual and emotional connection. Having no sex drive in young healthy people is not the norm. So what’s going on here? Is she depressed or suffering with her confidence in some way? If so this is workable and fixable from her point of view. Worst case scenario: she’s no longer attracted to you. Is this a possibility? If so, what’s caused her to lose this attraction? If this is the case you can do something about that too. I suppose what you need to ask yourself though is do you still fancy her? From your op it doesn’t seem like you’re chomping at the bit to get her into bed either? My advice is be honest with yourself- ask yourself what you really want from her as a starting point. Then ask yourself if what the relationship is offering you really is enough. It doesn’t sound as if it will change anytime soon. Only you know whether it’s enough.
Erik30 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 8 hours ago, elaine567 said: Once every 4 weeks is quite common it seems for some women, it is when they naturally feel the urge or when they feel it is necessary to give in to keep their man. I guess she felt she could get away with no sex at all, so she has now stopped trying. Maybe she's asexual? You never had sex with her that often to begin with, and she managed to slowly bring the number down to zero... It seems like she's not interest in sex, so it's up to you to decide if you want a sexless relationship 1
Author snowboy91 Posted May 5, 2020 Author Posted May 5, 2020 Thanks for the replies, sorry it's tricky to find time to post. To answer the general points, I do feel our communication could be a lot better. But I suppose in a twisted way, I'm not even sure what I should want out of the relationship, so it's a bit hard to communicate about what I want when I don't know what to say. I suppose my drive to post here says something about what I really want. 6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Op, I’m assuming you and your girlfriend are youngish? 20s? ... g healthy people is not the norm. So what’s going on here? Is she depressed or suffering with her confidence in some way? If so this is workable and fixable from her point of view. Worst case scenario: she’s no longer attracted to you. Is this a possibility? If so, what’s caused her to lose this attraction? If this is the case you can do something about that too. I suppose what you need to ask yourself though is do you still fancy her? From your op it doesn’t seem like you’re chomping at the bit to get her into bed either? My advice is be honest with yourself- ask yourself what you really want from her as a starting point. Then ask yourself if what the relationship is offering you really is enough. It doesn’t sound as if it will change anytime soon. Only you know whether it’s enough. To answer a couple of these points, yes late 20s, and I did mention in this thread that she's been on medication for her anxiety and depression which has knocked her libido down a lot. But it reduced well before the meds, and I guess I was hoping that more time together would bring us closer. She has said though that she hasn't had much of a sex drive throughout her life - although the first year we were together seemed to disprove that. Maybe it's fallen back to her normal. For your second last point, I guess I haven't really thought about what I want fully. I was just starting to get that sorted out before Covid eliminated all my future plans. 11 hours ago, rjc149 said: My take: if there isn't any sex and she isn't complaining, she's possibly getting it elsewhere. I would have your antennae up. Doubtful. We're in lock down - there isn't anywhere to go to get it!
rjc149 Posted May 5, 2020 Posted May 5, 2020 11 minutes ago, snowboy91 said: Doubtful. We're in lock down - there isn't anywhere to go to get it! No, not at the present, but you've indicated that the sex dried up a while ago... your girlfriend could simply not be a sexual person, or what's more likely, is not very attracted to you anymore and is, or has been, getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Or, getting her emotional needs met elsewhere, which satisfy her sexual urges (doable for women), or simply remove the urges she has for you. I'm single, introverted, not particularly promiscuous and by no means a Cassanova, and I've had more sex than you this year (3 times as of May 2020, according to your estimation). That level of infrequency is a clear symptom of an ill and dying relationship. But maybe you are both content with occasional, utilitarian sex just to satisfy a base physical urge. I'm just saying, I wouldn't rule out another guy, or guys, behind her curtains. My advice would be to pay closer attention to her internet usage, or how she keeps her phone around her. If she's very absorbed in her devices and cagey about them when you get too close, something's up. If not, then disregard. But best to rule it out. 1
elaine567 Posted May 5, 2020 Posted May 5, 2020 8 hours ago, snowboy91 said: I did mention in this thread that she's been on medication for her anxiety and depression which has knocked her libido down a lot. But it reduced well before the meds, Depression causes loss of libido as do some anti-depressants.https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/ 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 Snowboy...I think you already know what you have to do...I'm sorry. 3
Author snowboy91 Posted May 8, 2020 Author Posted May 8, 2020 (edited) Well the drought broke last night We ended up talking a bit more last night - she seems to be saying that the dry spells are a mix of anxiety, medication, and a discomfort around the topic of sex. The latter I'm becoming more surprised about the more I think about it, given her fairly extensive relationship history. Could be that she's used to OK but not great sex and doesn't have that strong a drive to make it much better. Hoping this is the start of things improving, but I can't help but be a bit skeptical considering how infrequent it's been. Edited May 8, 2020 by snowboy91 1
basil67 Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 I wouldn't be holding my breath if I were you snowboy 1
Versacehottie Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 I don't know what's that saying about percentages of problems in a relationship if sex is one of them? I can't imagine why you would want to continue much longer if it doesn't make a rapid turnaround. Good for trying but at a certain point, you will want to be honest with yourself if you can imagine a future like this. Good luck 1
NomiMalone Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 On 5/5/2020 at 12:20 AM, rjc149 said: Yep this is what happens to perfectly good relationships when the decision is made to move in together. The mystery, excitement, romance, and sexual tension fades and is replaced by TMI familiarity. You know what the bathroom smells like after she just took a Thai food sh-t. This is why marriages often become sexless after a time. You become roommates, and the little things that bug you about each other slowly but surely stews into resentment and contempt. I think there’s so much truth to this, yet it’s not often acknowledged. I also think some women just stop wanting sex once the honeymoon period in a relationship is well over, especially true if she didn’t have a particularly high drive to begin with. It’s not at all that she no longer finds you attractive, it’s just that she’s settled into a different phase of the relationship and no longer wants sex. There’s a scientific explanation behind this, to do with the levels of certain chemicals in our brains, but I can’t remember what the explanation is exactly. Anti-depressants, birth control pills, stress etc are also known to make things worse. The point is that things are unlikely to ever change. You’re in your 20s...I don’t think many guys your age would be ok with being in an almost sexless relationship. Your GF needs to find a guy with a sex drive more compatible with hers, and they’re both happy to live more as roommates. I’m sure they’re out there. 2
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