I've been hit with feelings for someone like a tonne of bricks and don't know how to proceed

[dmf]

 I need help, I’m sorry this is so long but I feel all the background is important. 

I’ve been on a couple of online dating platforms (new to an area and don’t know many people) for a few months now. I’ve been on a fair few dates but none have really sparked - though I do seem to have formed a couple of great friendships. 

Just over a week ago I matched with someone and the sparks flew instantly - we texted all day and well into the night for 3 days straight. During this time, he was very honest with me and told me he was just coming out of a 5 year relationship and everything is still a bit messy and he didn’t expect to form a level 100 connection with someone, that he expected to meet someone he could talk to and get to know slowly. It sounds as though the relationship had been dead for a while and I have been in a very similar scenario so gave him the benefit of the doubt - I agreed to keep getting to know him but we decided to keep things reasonably PG until there are no complications. He deleted his account and the app we met on and had been extremely sweet, charming, and affectionate. 

Ive been finding that digital connections don’t always translate to real life so I wanted to meet in person and see if there was even really anything there.

He drove 1 hour and 45 mins to see me, was going to help me pick up some couches for my new place but it fell through so we ended up just hanging at my place. We sat on the floor in front of the fire, drank wine, and talked for 8 hours straight. I have never connected with someone this way and we talked about everything under the sun, some topics were very personal and I feel we both opened up to each other a lot. In the last couple of hours we kissed/made out.

This was last weekend and our contact seems to have dropped off. I don’t expect the constant texting we had initially, I know that isn’t sustainable, however he hasn’t reached out at all. I texted him a couple of times casually and received replies hours later, or the next day. The responses didn’t come across as distant exactly, he seemed like he was busy with work (he works insane hours) but didn’t invite continued dialogue either. I decided to leave the ball in his court and have left it to see if he will message me, it has been 3 days and he hasn’t. 

I know I’ve only met him once and it’s only been a week since we spent the time together. I’ve tried to keep dating other people but I can’t get this guy out of my head and I honestly don’t want to, I want to pursue something with him. 

My question is: am I being completely blind? Is he not really that into me after meeting or is it possible he’s just busy/taking some space to decompress. I realise he is in a stressful work situation and is probably overwhelmed with everything going on back home. 

I don’t know whether I should keep trying to initiate conversation and ask him if we can get together again or just completely step back until he asks me? I really don’t want to mess this up.

[Calmandfocused]

The general advice here is not to give your heart to someone who is fresh out of a relationship. 
 

Yes you’ll probably get the “it was over for a long time, we didn’t have sex in 2 years, I haven’t loved her for a long time ” .... blah blah .... However: 

The processing of a relationship breakdown takes time. A lot of people believe that they are ready, sometimes immediately, however the truth is they are not! 
 

It takes a lot of adjustment, processing, grieving, learning etc. It doesn’t matter if he’s not in love with her anymore. He was with her for 5 years! 
 

He’s done the classic: Jumped ship quickly in the hope that any feelings he develops for someone else will numb the pain, and help him move on quickly. 
 

He’s realising this error and instead of being open and honest about not being  ready, he’s doing the slow fade. 
 

You don’t want to be someone’s rebound. Put it down to experience and take your attention elsewhere, towards a man whose emotionally ready, willing and able to start a new relationship. 
 

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[d0nnivain]

Do not reach out to him.  Instead read a pop psychology book entitled He's Just Not That Into You.  

He wanted sex.  That didn't happen.  He's done with you.  Letting him into your house was a risky move.  Be happy that you didn't sleep with him.  He still would have been gone & you would be even more hurt.  

[Fletch Lives]

6 hours ago, dmf said:

he was just coming out of a 5 year relationship and everything is still a bit messy and he didn’t expect to form a level 100 connection with someone, that he expected to meet someone he could talk to and get to know slowly.

 - It sounds like he is on the rebound and not ready for a new relationship. They are often flaky like this.

[poppyfields]

dmf, absolutely do not reach out again. I know you're anxious, but sometimes we just need to embrace the uncertainty and let the universe guide the way.

Sounds hokey but I truly believe that.

I wouldn't even begin to speculate about what's happening with him right now - it's true things between you escalated very quickly and he may need time and space to process his emotions OR after meeting you in person, he realized you weren't the right fit (sadly that happens more often than not) OR he realized he is not over his divorce, it could be any other number of things.

Again, relax and embrace the uncertainty, try to detach from the outcome. Try to live your life same as before you met him.  

That is really all you can do because if you try to close the gap to alleviate your anxiety, you risk pushing him further away and losing him for good. 

Ideally, sure it would be great if he would communicate his feelings to you, even if he doesn't want to see you again, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may be confused himself and not know what he wants right now.

Given the intensity of your early chats and how well you connected, I highly doubt his goal was sex and since that didnt happen, he's gone.  If that were the case, he would continue pursuing you "until" sex happened, and then bolted. 

But I could be wrong.

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

I agree with d0nnivain about the risk you took allowing him into your home on first meet.

PLEASE do not ever do that again. 

[Versacehottie]

8 hours ago, dmf said:

told me he was just coming out of a 5 year relationship and everything is still a bit messy and he didn’t expect to form a level 100 connection with someone, that he expected to meet someone he could talk to and get to know slowly. 

 My question is: am I being completely blind? Is he not really that into me after meeting or is it possible he’s just busy/taking some space to decompress. I realise he is in a stressful work situation and is probably overwhelmed with everything going on back home. 

I don’t know whether I should keep trying to initiate conversation and ask him if we can get together again or just completely step back until he asks me? I really don’t want to mess this up.

Well, I'm not sure about being blind, but perhaps you are deaf?  The bolded above is what he said ^^^.  He put you on notice of where he is personally at the moment.  A good night spent with him doesn't necessarily negate it.  Some people go with things (like perhaps you are) and others don't (like he and a lot of guys do).  He's not ready.  You wouldn't want a guy who is not ready.  Doing more and any form, even ones you feel are disguised, of chasing after him won't make him ready.  You should just pull back and if you are not a priority to him, don't allow him to be a priority for you.  You're in a new city and you have lots NEW in front of you--that's a good thing!! He should be worried that another guy will snap you up so start acting like that might be what will happen.  Not by faking it but truly living it. 

In the future, I don't think you should talk and text as much as you did--not at all--before you meet someone.  Bound to have a letdown feeling.  Also after a good night (assuming all was good with him too and you didn't misread that), he is probably trying to set a pace that will work for where he is emotionally, ie not ready.  So naturally will slow down so that your expectations don't get out of whack, which cause he's a guy, he might not realize that they already are!  I don't think you should ever let a guy message you as much as you did and have him consume your life.  Another reason would be because you might have exciting, fun moments over phone, text but imagine if those moments are happening in person.  You want to line up the excitement with the TIME spent with you in person, so that this is what the other person wants to have more of. Not that the in person is a let down compare to the texting let's say.  Which it's bound to be if you've overshared during that.

You should move on with your life.  No reason to be mean to him or even not to keep dating him but you're going to have to meet him at his pace and see if it's good enough for you.  Don't take scraps, be honest with yourself if it's enough and fair. Don't jump into the future (like your OP seems to be doing--girl, it was one date, you def don't know enough about him!!).  And keep dating other people.  Don't approach life and your dating life like "it's hard, there's no one good out there, i never make a connection".  You should approach it more openly and as a collector of experiences and the creator of your own life, allows for some positivity to come in and clarity with what person is really in front of you. Right now you sound like you are latching on, big time, and guaranteed it will come off needy or resentful when you don't get what you want from him right away since he will not be able to meet the pace your mind has already set out.  This tends to drive people away not toward you.  good luck

[The Outlaw]

I get catching feelings for someone, but he isn't ready. Not by a longshot after a five year relationship ended. That's just WAY too much history. And while it can be absolutely any number of things, you've done all you can do. 

[preraph]

He was probably simply hoping for a lighthearted sex fling, since he already told you he's nowhere near ready for a relationship.  

[MimiCupid82]

I did this to a guy recently, met him after being matched on a dating app. We texted and then decided to meet up. He seemed like he was my type and I felt that we had a connection. However I couldn't shake the feeling that he was hiding something. I'd see him looking down at his phone frequently and he even excused himself a few times during our meetup to take a call. We would be able to continue our conversation afterwards and there were no issues. Although he seemed like he had a lot on his mind. He told me he hadn't been in a relationship in a year and I haven't been in one in about 2 years. I liked him a lot and was hoping he'd be the one but in the back of my mind I knew if I invested myself I'd be putting myself in extreme danger of being hurt. I'm paranoid like that. Needless to say I stop communication with him. I tend to catch feelings fast, I kind of suspected he was living another life possibly having kids and a wife/girlfriend even though he told me he didn't. I don't want to risk the chance of being hurt. You never know what this guy may be dealing with in his personal life. or he may have seen something in you that was a red flag to him. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by MimiCupid82

[ShyViolet]

If he was interested in you he would be texting you.  It seems that for whatever reason he has decided that he's just not interested.  Move on.

Also it was NOT a good idea to have him come over your house for the first date.  Don't do that again!  You got very lucky that it went as well as it did.  Don't be so trusting of people you've just met.

[ChatroomHero]

As soon as the texts take a sudden drop off and it takes hours or days to get back to you, it's pretty much over. Even if I have back to back meetings all day, I will still find 30 seconds to reply with something like hay, I can't really text now but should be able to after 6pm or so, etc..when you get a drastic drop off after meeting, just move on. I think if in addition to abnormally slow response times the content of the messages he sends is short or seems like he is trying to avoid continuing texting, definitely it's done.

Don't be surprised if you stop texting and he stops and then a couple of weeks later you get the "Hey there!" message out of the blue. It sounds like he is low interest.

[stillafool]

Wow, what happened to social distancing?  I'm sure this guy enjoyed the great conversation you guys had but was probably looking for sex.  He wasn't as taken with you as you are with him or he'd be calling or texting.  He probably isn't over his ex and is trying to get her back.  You should just keep talking to other guys and you'll meet another one you like.  Hopefully you will wait until it is safe before you see him in person.

[Silver_star]

This sucks. I would agree with the above posters that he is not emotionally available. Otherwise he would have reached out by now.

Human beings have a need for connection and intimacy, and he was likely filling that need, but he is not available for more right now. 5 years with someone is a long time, and takes a while to move on in a healthy way, doesn't mean he won't sleep or date people while he gets over it, .but it's usually rebound type stuff.  I would leave the ball in his court and be very careful with your emotional investment in this one.

[Allupinnit]

Whoah he lives 1 hour and 45 min away?  Yeah he probably was hoping for sex.  That's too far, and I think he knows it.