poppyfields Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 (edited) On 5/1/2020 at 8:20 AM, Glx said: I am 24, he is 21. We already had some arguments - I brought up the topic about other girls on social media. What about this^^? That would bother me more than texting only once in the evening, which I would actually be okay with assuming our connection was strong and everything else was going well. But not adding random women to his social media, no thank you. In his defense, he is only 21! Nevermind the fact he texts only once a day, he is too immature to give you the type of emotional security and commitment you need Gix. He admitted it! I would wish him well and walk. Edited May 4, 2020 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: he is too immature to give you the type of emotional security and commitment you need Gix. ^^^ this It doesn't' get better, it just gets worse You hope and pray he will turn into the man you really want. He doesn't and you just get more frustrated and sad. Too many women put up with men like this, it can ruin their lives. They stick in there miserable and get excited when he throws them a teensy tiny breadcrumb... Don't be like them, run while you still can... 1
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Too many people in general put up with bad behavior in the name of love....it's right there. Actions speak louder than words. 2
stillafool Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 44 minutes ago, Glx said: When we are together, he is affectionate. Only when we are not together, it is bothering me that he doesn't text often. Anyway, we texted today again and I kinda regret it. He asked: - do you want to be together or no? Me: - you made it clear that you don't want to have a relationship, why are you asking me this? Him: - because I still like you, and I don’t want to part with you. But I don’t want to hear accusations that I don’t have feelings, when I have already proved them to you many times. If it weren’t for these accusations, everything would be well. If you can stop with them, then this relationship can still be saved. So it turns out that he put me in a position where our relationship will exist only if I need it more and say so. And I don't like this approach. I wrote back: “I don’t accuse you and I think well about you. But I won’t play "let's stay friends" game, for me it’s not interesting and unacceptable. So it’s your decision now to accept me as I am and not allow future moments that could lead to conflict" He replied: "I can’t make a decision both for you and for me. You think that I don't have feelings just because I text only once a day. What should I understand from this then?" Why don't you give him direct answers? If you want to be with him say so and if not say that too. He's right he can't make a decision for you. This sounds like a bunch of drama over texting that he doesn't want to do and probably will not do. Your best bet is to tell him this isn't working for you so you're moving on. Tell him also you can't be friends with him after the break up because you want to get over him and trying to be friends won't allow you to.
Author Glx Posted May 4, 2020 Author Posted May 4, 2020 8 hours ago, stillafool said: Why don't you give him direct answers? If you want to be with him say so and if not say that too. He's right he can't make a decision for you. This sounds like a bunch of drama over texting that he doesn't want to do and probably will not do. Your best bet is to tell him this isn't working for you so you're moving on. Tell him also you can't be friends with him after the break up because you want to get over him and trying to be friends won't allow you to. Because I want to be with him, but not only on his terms. Two people should find at least some middle ground. And for now I see that he doesn't make any effort. 1
basil67 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Glx said: Because I want to be with him, but not only on his terms. Two people should find at least some middle ground. And for now I see that he doesn't make any effort. And there lies your problem: He shouldn't have to change to be with you. And you shouldn't have to compromise to middle ground. Both of you should be looking for someone who wants you pretty much as you are. Sure, we all compromise on little things here and there, but when your needs are so different that you're on the edge of a breakup, middle ground isn't a huge improvement. 4
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Basil is correct. Too many find someone and then try to change then into the person they really want It never works and leads to so much upset and distress. You want/need a warm and attentive guy. He wants/needs a woman who is happy with a cold and otherwise busy guy. You don't want to pander to him and he doesn't want to pander to you. The end. 4
Author Glx Posted May 5, 2020 Author Posted May 5, 2020 Update: it got even worse. So during this week I used Tinder a bit, just to distract myself. Haven't met anyone personally from there. Yesterday in the morning he sends me screenshot with my profile and writes "so that's how much you like me, huh?" I answered: "Very nice of you to throw it at me. I created this profile even before we got together" (that is true) Him: "A bit hard to believe in it, since you have always told me that you are against Dating Apps. And the pictures there are new as well." At first I thought that I should explain everything, but then I remembered 2 things: 1. day earlier he suggested that we should stay friends; 2. he himself has started using the App even before breaking up with me - the screenshots were sent from his phone. So I could say the same things to him, but I didn't.. Instead I wrote: "Then continue to believe in what you think" Him: "Ok. Thank you very much for the explanation" I don't know if I acted right. On one hand, I didn't feel the need to explain myself, since he himself suggested to break up. On the other hand, I definitely look bad in his eyes now... Especially after I told him so many times about my feelings. I even feel like a liar or a cheater... He didn't write anymore of course. And I don't think he will. Most probably he despises me now..
preraph Posted May 5, 2020 Posted May 5, 2020 Well, he's a hypocrite because he too was on Tinder or he'd not have seen it. He's just looking to try to demonize you so he doesn't have to blame himself for the breakup. You don't owe him any more explanations. Block him!! 6
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2020 Posted May 5, 2020 He wouldn't know you were on Tinder if he weren't also on Tinder looking for new girls. You need to put his guy in your rearview mirror. You aren't the liar and cheater if he was searching for dates before you two even broke up. He was distant from you because he was scoping out new talent, evidently. It's just his ego talking now. Next! 2 1
poppyfields Posted May 5, 2020 Posted May 5, 2020 You did good in not getting defensive! He was gaslighting you, or attempting to, and good for you for not allowing it. And don't you dare feel bad or even concern yourself with how he feels about you, who cares, seriously. I would suggest blocking him now, let him go cry in his beer if it bothers him, you're done. 2
MaleIntuition Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 So the problem was that’s he wasn’t warm and affectionate ON TEXTS? Maybe you should talk to some grandparent or something in order to get some perspectives. It’s literally impossible to maintain high quality communication 24/7. Quality will drop to meaningless “good mornings”. 3
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, MaleIntuition said: Edit: I quoted the wrong post...this is for the OP...A small part of me almost wants to say he's enjoying seeing you twist in the wind. At first I thought he was just naturally undemonstrative but now that you're doing your own thing he's angry and getting nasty. SO there's SOME emotion in there even if it's not the kind you'd ever want. This all just seems really, really, really wrong, at least as described. If you're asking for our input, mine is, honey, just go. If this is his honeymoon period best behavior then I'd actually be really nervous to see where it progressed from here. At best, it's simply a total mismatch of needs, desires and personal expression. I think you should graciously - no drama - end this and for next time...don't ever again the to be something you're not in order to fit a.style that completely conflicts with yours. You won't wind up happy that way. Edited May 8, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 3 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 On 5/5/2020 at 11:35 AM, Glx said: Update: it got even worse. So during this week I used Tinder a bit, just to distract myself. Haven't met anyone personally from there. Yesterday in the morning he sends me screenshot with my profile and writes "so that's how much you like me, huh?" I answered: "Very nice of you to throw it at me. I created this profile even before we got together" (that is true) Him: "A bit hard to believe in it, since you have always told me that you are against Dating Apps. And the pictures there are new as well." At first I thought that I should explain everything, but then I remembered 2 things: 1. day earlier he suggested that we should stay friends; 2. he himself has started using the App even before breaking up with me - the screenshots were sent from his phone. So I could say the same things to him, but I didn't.. Instead I wrote: "Then continue to believe in what you think" Him: "Ok. Thank you very much for the explanation" I don't know if I acted right. On one hand, I didn't feel the need to explain myself, since he himself suggested to break up. On the other hand, I definitely look bad in his eyes now... Especially after I told him so many times about my feelings. I even feel like a liar or a cheater... He didn't write anymore of course. And I don't think he will. Most probably he despises me now.. Wow, good for you. You really kept a level head. I think you're going to be happier in the long run with someone who's able to show he cares. 1
smackie9 Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 Have some self worth and dignity! Don't self blame or have doubts ...that's how he is trying to make you feel...yes that's gas-lighting, a tool used by abusive manipulators. He wants you to feel like the bad person. And who cares how he feels about you...you shouldn't. Sticking up for yourself isn't a bad thing. If he didn't like it tough crap on him. Block/delete, move on. IMO you dodged a bullet. He's a jerk. 5
Author Glx Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 A couple of days ago he wrote me "Hi, how are you?" I ignored this message. I think if he really wanted to change something, it would be more than just these words..
poppyfields Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, Glx said: A couple of days ago he wrote me "Hi, how are you?" I ignored this message. I think if he really wanted to change something, it would be more than just these words.. What would you have expected him to say? It was a "feeler" text, I think because he misses you but uncertain as to your feelings so "feeling you out" so to speak. I think there is a lot of miscommunication going on between the both of you, misperceptions and perhaps unrealistic expectations. Do you still like him? Then my advice is talk to him, communicate straight and direct. Edited May 10, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Versacehottie Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Glx said: A couple of days ago he wrote me "Hi, how are you?" I ignored this message. I think if he really wanted to change something, it would be more than just these words.. Agree. it's just a feeler text. But I have to be honest, while he has his problems (they are not that far out there for a 21 year old guy btw), you are acting really needy overall. Your expectations are pretty dramatic. You have to understand that other people in your life aren't a) going to do and think just like you do b)aren't mindreaders. You are good to ignore him if only for the reasons that you said you were done, so be done. Nothing is going to be different a few days or a week later and you guys will be at an impasse pretty soon if you were to try again. You two don't really seem to want the same things. I think you would be way better off with a guy that the majority of girls would find clingy or needy himself. It seems like you want someone to adore you--which is not wrong however the way that you determine that they DO adore you is a bit unreasonable-- and fill a pit. This guy is not that guy. Someone else will be though--just keep looking for him. Good luck Edited May 10, 2020 by Versacehottie
Author Glx Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: What would you have expected him to say? It was a "feeler" text, I think because he misses you but uncertain as to your feelings so "feeling you out" so to speak. I think there is a lot of miscommunication going on between the both of you, misperceptions and perhaps unrealistic expectations. Do you still like him? Then my advice is talk to him, communicate straight and direct. I expect that if he still wants to be together, then he should make it clear. He could at least call, write something like "I want to talk to you", something that would state his intentions. But this "Hello, how are you?" sounds more like he wants to drag me in friendzone. Especially since he didn't write anything afterwards - meaning he didn't have anything serious to say... Edited May 10, 2020 by Glx 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 On 5/5/2020 at 8:35 PM, Glx said: he himself has started using the App even before breaking up with me - the screenshots were sent from his phone. So I could say the same things to him, but I didn't.. Don't forget the bolded and underlined, OP. Might you have been needy? Sure. Did he have honest intentions with you? Well, evidently not. 1
kendahke Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Glx said: I expect that if he still wants to be together, then he should make it clear. Expectations are future resentments under construction. His definition of wanting to be together and your definition of wanting to be together are no where near being the same thing--and you assuming that he's coming from the same place as you are is the problem here. He's not. His wanting to be together is on a "wyd"/"you're an option" kind of level... that's not where you are. He's not going to make it any more clear than he has--if he was of the mind to be that way, he'd have done it by now. This is who he is and what he's prepared to offer you--if it isn't good enough, you need to cut the line and set him adrift. Edited May 10, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author Glx Posted May 12, 2020 Author Posted May 12, 2020 Feeling rather strange lately. He no longer writes to me, and I'm trying to analyze everything that happened. I begin to think that I myself was wrong, and perhaps demanded too much of him. in the end, if I wanted more communication, I myself could initiate more communication instead of constantly nagging. And it was wrong of me to be jealous. I have a feeling that I made a mistake, and if I had not demanded so much, then everything would be fine. But now I can't change anything anymore. He liked me in the beginning, but then my wrong and needy behaviour killed his feelings.
Author Glx Posted May 12, 2020 Author Posted May 12, 2020 Other that that, I have been talking to some guys recently, but I can't feel any kind of attraction towards them. Talking to them made me realise that I might have demanded too much. Another problem is that we live in the same dorm. And we will for sure see each other again, at parties etc. It is quite hard to move on, especially knowing that next time we see each other he might have a new gf (when he is single, he is quite extraverted and initiative with girls, and doesn't stay alone for a long time)
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2020 Posted May 12, 2020 52 minutes ago, Glx said: Feeling rather strange lately. He no longer writes to me, and I'm trying to analyze everything that happened. I begin to think that I myself was wrong, and perhaps demanded too much of him. in the end, if I wanted more communication, I myself could initiate more communication instead of constantly nagging. And it was wrong of me to be jealous. I have a feeling that I made a mistake, and if I had not demanded so much, then everything would be fine. But now I can't change anything anymore. He liked me in the beginning, but then my wrong and needy behaviour killed his feelings. While i do think you were unrealistic in your expectations and that was part of the problem, you are kind of complete opposites on the spectrum of what makes you happy and how you think a relationship should be and what he does. I think any getting back together would be temporary at best. You will meet other guys. lol and what do you mean "he never writes you"?---he just did a couple of days ago and you are not together! See, you are wired one way and he is wired another. Bad idea to get back together. Good luck 1
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