Author Glx Posted May 2, 2020 Author Posted May 2, 2020 So today we will meet do discuss what we do next and I am not sure what to do. I want to stay with him, of course, I am even rethinking my behaviour right now, that maybe I want too much from him. But I am afraid that his interest can't be restored anymore after these arguments and my neediness, and if we stay together it will only get worse... I don't want him to stay with me just out of the pity. Don't really know how to act today.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 This isn't necessarily only down to neediness, OP. I still see a fundamental incompatibility between you two. You are who you are, and he is who he is. Your approaches to relationships are different. While I agree there's always room for compromise, you have to be careful not to compromise your own needs and desires just to hang on to someone who might not be the best match for you. My experience tells me that if there are already this many problems just 2 months in, it's likely not going to work out in the long run. 2
Author Glx Posted May 2, 2020 Author Posted May 2, 2020 Update: we won't meet today. In the morning he wrote me that he has a suggestion for our situation. Him: "for me it is not a solution to not talk to you anymore or to not meet you anymore. So I suggest us to stay friends. I still want to meet you, talk to you and so on. Do you agree?" Me: "I have feelings for you and I can't stay friends with you" Him: "I also have feelings for you, but unfortunately I can't make you happy, but I don't want to lose you. Do you have a better solution?" Me: "I read here just that you don't want to be together. Interesting, because entire week you said the opposite" Him: "I want it now too, but you saw that we have problems, and that you are unhappy with me and you feel bad because of me all the time" Me: "I am in love with you. I can't stay friends" Him: "Me too. If you can accept my cold behaviour, then everything would be ok for me. But I am not sure that you can accept it" I don't think I should write anything to him anymore. I wrote it all pretty clear. Just feel so heartbroken that he proposed to be friends. I guess now I don't have a choice but to walk away 1
hippychick3 Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 I’m sorry, OP. Please walk away. No one deserves to be treated coldly. He’s told you he will not change. Just say nothing, let this go, and move on. 3 1
Uptown182 Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 He’s told you he will not change. Even if you stay with him you will not be happy, trust me I know this from experience. While for me it was not the issue of him being cold, there were other issues that I figured would sort themselves out because I loved him. He basically could not give me what I wanted and I ended up staying in a relationship way longer than I should have, and learned the hard way that just because you love someone does not mean you’ll be happy with them. 1
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, hippychick3 said: I’m sorry, OP. Please walk away. No one deserves to be treated coldly. He’s told you he will not change. Just say nothing, let this go, and move on. Agree and to add, please believe that when he meets a woman he is truly into, he will not be acting "cold," no way. He may not be the type to jump on couches (think Tom Cruise after he met Katie Holmes lol) but trust me he'd never act "cold" or tell you his nature is cold. Calling BS on that one big time! Especially after only two months, this is the so called "honeymoon period" when both people are on a high!! Telling you he has a cold personality is his way of lowering your expectations so he can continue being LAZY. His interest isn't high enough for him to be anything but lazy, and still get regular sex. I'm sorry I know it stings, but best you follow hippychick's and others' advice, and walk away. Stay safe. Edited May 2, 2020 by poppyfields 4
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) Your best to walk away, as the others have said. This isn't going to get better, as it's down to a fundamental mismatch in personality. I don't think he wants to continue dating even if you suddenly try to accept him for who he is. He sounds over it. Edited May 2, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1
preraph Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 And now he's busily adding other women to his social media as you just said in the new thread, as if these two things here aren't connected! This thing is over, GLX. He has a bad personality, so I think you were only in love with love or who you hoped he was, but he's not. Please just make a clean break and stop trying to fix this guy. He wants to look at women and that sounds like about it. 1
Uptown182 Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Agree and to add, please believe that when he meets a woman he is truly into, he will not be acting "cold," no way. He may not be the type to jump on couches (think Tom Cruise after he met Katie Holmes lol) but trust me he'd never act "cold" or tell you his nature is cold. Calling BS on that one big time! Especially after only two months, this is the so called "honeymoon period" when both people are on a high!! Telling you he has a cold personality is his way of lowering your expectations so he can continue being LAZY. His interest isn't high enough for him to be anything but lazy, and still get regular sex. I'm sorry I know it stings, but best you follow hippychick's and others' advice, and walk away. Stay safe. Agreed, and this is coming from someone who has been labeled as cold before. When I’m into someone who is super warm and affectionate I reciprocate, maybe not to the extent they would like me to but I’m definitely not cold. When you’re in love with someone, you want to touch, hug and kiss them. You can’t change the nature of someone, however if someone is into you they will long for affection from you the same way you do from them. 2
Author Glx Posted May 2, 2020 Author Posted May 2, 2020 I didn't reply to his last message, and he wrote again: "You have nothing more to say?" I don't think I should reply to this..
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Glx said: I didn't reply to his last message, and he wrote again: "You have nothing more to say?" I don't think I should reply to this.. I forget, what were your last words to him? I'm sensing his sad face emoji is a manipulation of sorts, boo hoo poor me, my gf dumped me. I realize this may sound cynical but I can't help get the feeling that what the sad face really represents is his sadness at no longer getting regular sex. I'm sorry to say that, just my gut feeling. Edited May 2, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Timshel Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 Do as you will GIx, he has stated his level, cold. Take it or leave it. If you take it, you have stated your level as well. 3
Author Glx Posted May 2, 2020 Author Posted May 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I forget, what were your last words to him? I'm sensing his sad face emoji is a manipulation of sorts, boo hoo poor me, my gf dumped me. I realize this may sound cynical but I can't help get the feeling that what the sad face really represents is his sadness at no longer getting regular sex. I'm sorry to say that, just my gut feeling. sad face is my own emotion at the moment, he sent a text without any smileys. My last words were that I am in love with him, and I can't be friends. 1
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, Glx said: sad face is my own emotion at the moment, he sent a text without any smileys. My last words were that I am in love with him, and I can't be friends. Oh ok oops, thought that came from him, nevermind my post then. Sorry..
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2020 Posted May 2, 2020 54 minutes ago, Glx said: sad face is my own emotion at the moment, he sent a text without any smileys. That is a pity because if he had put in the sadface emoji, it would have given you some indication that he had a heart...
Realitysux Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 12 hours ago, poppyfields said: Oh ok oops, thought that came from him, nevermind my post then. Sorry.. I've been reading your posts and you are now one of my favorite posters on this forum. Very insightful and helpful! 1
Fair Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 The important thing about this relationship is that it's not making you happy. Think of yourself first. 1
smackie9 Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 This is a case of “ We desire most what we can’t have.” Since he was always cold it made you work even harder to get his attention. My advice is, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.....he didn’t do that so you should have never bothered. He manipulated you , playing on your emotions. Even when it’s over, he is still doing it. All that does is cause you more pain. He’s a jerk. You will look back on this months from now and ask yourself “What the hell was I thinking!!”
FMW Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 On 5/2/2020 at 8:56 AM, poppyfields said: believe that when he meets a woman he is truly into, he will not be acting "cold," no way. I'm often seen as aloof and detached. My ex husband used to complain that I didn't like holding hands or cuddling with him. I told him, and fully believed it, that it just wasn't my nature. Since my marriage ended I've discovered that wasn't true - I am very physically affectionate when I have the right feelings. It has been eye opening for me. Do what you feel you should of course, but don't settle for less than you need. Whether he's capable of more warmth or not it really doesn't matter if he's not giving it to you. The result is the same. 2 1
Author Glx Posted May 3, 2020 Author Posted May 3, 2020 When we are together, he is affectionate. Only when we are not together, it is bothering me that he doesn't text often. Anyway, we texted today again and I kinda regret it. He asked: - do you want to be together or no? Me: - you made it clear that you don't want to have a relationship, why are you asking me this? Him: - because I still like you, and I don’t want to part with you. But I don’t want to hear accusations that I don’t have feelings, when I have already proved them to you many times. If it weren’t for these accusations, everything would be well. If you can stop with them, then this relationship can still be saved. So it turns out that he put me in a position where our relationship will exist only if I need it more and say so. And I don't like this approach. I wrote back: “I don’t accuse you and I think well about you. But I won’t play "let's stay friends" game, for me it’s not interesting and unacceptable. So it’s your decision now to accept me as I am and not allow future moments that could lead to conflict" He replied: "I can’t make a decision both for you and for me. You think that I don't have feelings just because I text only once a day. What should I understand from this then?"
Uptown182 Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, Glx said: When we are together, he is affectionate. Only when we are not together, it is bothering me that he doesn't text often. Anyway, we texted today again and I kinda regret it. He asked: - do you want to be together or no? Me: - you made it clear that you don't want to have a relationship, why are you asking me this? Him: - because I still like you, and I don’t want to part with you. But I don’t want to hear accusations that I don’t have feelings, when I have already proved them to you many times. If it weren’t for these accusations, everything would be well. If you can stop with them, then this relationship can still be saved. So it turns out that he put me in a position where our relationship will exist only if I need it more and say so. And I don't like this approach. I wrote back: “I don’t accuse you and I think well about you. But I won’t play "let's stay friends" game, for me it’s not interesting and unacceptable. So it’s your decision now to accept me as I am and not allow future moments that could lead to conflict" He replied: "I can’t make a decision both for you and for me. You think that I don't have feelings just because I text only once a day. What should I understand from this then?" Ok the way you made it sound was that he isn’t affectionate at all. Affection is something better demonstrated in person rather than through text anyway. So seems your main issue is that he doesn’t contact you enough when you’re not together. To be honest, just because he texts you once a day doesn’t mean he’s not into you or doesn’t want to be with you. However, now that you’ve stated you would like him to text more he should at least be willing to try to do that if he’s into you. From his texts sounds like he’s not trying to be friends with you, he seems to want to be in a relationship with you but wants you to be ok with his once a day texts. So seems it’s up to you how you would like to proceed. Also, this really should be a phone conversation not a texting one. 1
kendahke Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 On 5/1/2020 at 6:02 PM, Glx said: Him: "You know that my Fridays are always super busy, I just finished" (I didn't know that!) When they say things to you as if they've had this conversation with you but it's your first time hearing it, that means they're saying this to others and have forgotten who they said it to. He's cold because, as that old Mac Davis song went, he's telling you "baby baby don't get hooked on me..." Even when you tell him what you need, he's still got his hand on your forehead, keeping you at bay. Fridays are off limits as far as you're concerned. He's basically telling you that he's not going to put any effort into meeting your expectations and if you want to keep handing him convenient sex, he's not going to turn it down, so it's up to you to find your self esteem and stand sentry to your boundaries because he isn't going to do it for you---or much of anything else. This isn't going anywhere and certainly not where you want it to go.
preraph Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 On 5/1/2020 at 4:51 PM, Glx said: I am just always questioning his feelings towards me.. and I guess yes, even if it sounds bad, I do want him to chase me a little bit sometimes. maybe to feel more appreciated... I know that my behaviour is also not right. I guess by "pushing him away" I am still trying to "hide" my own feelings, because I understand that I am into him way more than he is into me. Though he is not stupid and most probably understands it already This is troubling. He is who he is. He isn't someone who does drama and chasing. He's actually boring, sounds like. What is troubling is why you want to be chased by someone you already know isn't even all that appealing or right for you. That's you wanting some ego gratification. I think what would help you most is finding a better boyfriend and not playing those kind of games and just seeing what they will do when left to their own devices so that you find out if they're a good boyfriend or not. 1
kendahke Posted May 3, 2020 Posted May 3, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Glx said: "You think that I don't have feelings just because I text only once a day. What should I understand from this then?" That what he has to offer isn't enough for you. Quote If you can accept my cold behaviour, then everything would be ok for me. But I am not sure that you can accept it" These are his terms for engagement with you. If you can't get with it and be quiet and content, then you need to get gone. Edited May 3, 2020 by kendahke 4
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