Boyfriend acting cold. Should I ask him if we are over?

[Glx]

Hello everyone!

I am 24, he is 21. Have been dating for 2 months. A couple of things were bothering me - that he is adding unknown girls on social media (he says that he texts only with me and social media "friends" mean nothing to him), and that he was never particularly warm towards me. I don't feel loved at all. 

Nevertheless, he texted me every day, but mostly it is just "hello, how are you" or "how was your day", "what are you doing". Almost no sweet talk, "good morning" or "good night"... We meet 2-3 times a week. I could wait for responses from him for hours sometimes. He says he is usually busy. 

We already had some arguments - I brought up the topic about other girls on social media. But in the end he still wanted to pursue relationship with me and we continued. 

Our first night happened last Friday. Since then I felt like he became more distant with me - he texted not that often but said that this week he has a lot of projects to do. In the end I couldn't take it anymore and when he asked me out, I said "I don't have time for such cold communication". He wanted to call me, but I wrote "I already understood everything. You want to say that it's not working for you, and I accept your decision".

He replied: - is it that easy for you?

Me: - it is not easy, but I want a warm relationship, and I won't get it from you. 

Him: - I like you. You know it very well. and I can understand you. Unfortunately I am not as warm as a boyfriend that you dream of. It is not your fault. And you always make me happy. I always fought for our relationship and I will never say that it should end. My problem is that I hurt you, and I don't want that. But I also don't want to end this relationship. What should I do or say now?

I didn't respond anything. Next day he called me, but I didn't pick up and didn't want to talk to him. He wrote:

- I like you, and I always wanted this relationship. But we need to find a solution for this problem. 

Me: - I don't understand you, all your actions say the opposite. 

Him: - but didn't I act the same in the beginning?

Me: -  Unfortunately, I couldn't melt your feelings so you would be warmer towards me. 

Him: - I don't want you to feel bad because of this. And I am not sure about this.

Me: - it is also the reason why you added other girls - because you didn't have enough feelings. 

Him: - so that problem with the girls is not over yet. This problem doesn't exist - I added these girls even before we met each other, so it should not play any role now 

Then I asked him how does he normally show feelings. He said "exactly how I acted towards you - with attention, small gifts, openness, trying to cook something for you"

Me: - Ok I get it. 

Him: - I understand you as well. You need a lot of attention. And you also need emotional security, and I unfortunately couldn't give you that. I know that you always feel like I am leaving you behind, or that I don't have any interest for you anymore. 

That was his last message yesterday and since then he doesn't text anything anymore... What should I do? Should I ask him straight if we are over? 

 

 

[hippychick3]

It sounds like he likes you but not enough to give you the attention you want. He’s in “chase” mode now which is why he briefly increased his texting. Even if you “work things out,” his lack of communication and attention to you is going to continue. You’ll be right back at this point again. 
 

I would just let this go and move on to someone who can better meet your communication needs. 

[preraph]

You're talking about not sweet talking in texts.  That's not what a relationship is built on.  What is it like when you're together?  Do you sit and cuddle and watch tv?  Does he take you out to eat or to the movies?  Do you have some laughs?  Or does he just have a terrible unfun personality?  If so, just face reality about that.  He is who he is and trying to fake saying sweet things via text doesn't change a thing and is ridiculous.

[kendahke]

58 minutes ago, Glx said:

Have been dating for 2 months. 

 I don't feel loved at all. 

It's a bit early for love to enter into this. You're both still at the point where you're deciding if this is what you want to pursue.

Don't expect devotion from someone who, 8 weeks ago, you didn't know.

Also, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. He's not a warm type of guy.  You need a warm type of guy--therefore, on this tip, you are incompatible. You need to decide if this is the hill to die on and if so, break up. He can only be himself--not who you wished he would be.

Edited May 1, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like basic incompatibility, OP. 

It also sounds like you started this relationship hoping he would change. You mentioned that you hope you could "melt his feelings" for you. This suggests that he has indeed always been like this but you were hoping to see something different. If so, then I'm afraid to tell you that this is just who he is. He's not the warm-fuzzy sort of guy you're looking for. He's not invested in the same way you are at this point. 

My advice? Rather than trying to resolve so many problems so early on, see this for what it is (a mismatch) and part ways so you can meet a guy whose personality and dating style mesh better with yours. 

[preraph]

^ That.  Love doesn't change anyone.  They are who they are.  And they're on their BEST behavior early on and get worse over time as they let their guard down and act like their true selves and stop trying to impress.  So if you don't like him now, it's only going to get worse.  He is who he is.  You can't change people.  If they complied with your demands, they'd just be faking it and it would mean nothing.

[smackie9]

This isn't a "relationship" you two were simply seeing each other....there's a difference.

Read his words, he can't fulfill your expectations, yes it's over. He's pretty much left it up to you to walk...that's how much he cares about you.

Edited May 1, 2020 by smackie9

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 hours ago, Glx said:

Hello everyone!

I am 24, he is 21. Have been dating for 2 months. A couple of things were bothering me - that he is adding unknown girls on social media (he says that he texts only with me and social media "friends" mean nothing to him), and that he was never particularly warm towards me. I don't feel loved at all. 

Nevertheless, he texted me every day, but mostly it is just "hello, how are you" or "how was your day", "what are you doing". Almost no sweet talk, "good morning" or "good night"... We meet 2-3 times a week. I could wait for responses from him for hours sometimes. He says he is usually busy. 

We already had some arguments - I brought up the topic about other girls on social media. But in the end he still wanted to pursue relationship with me and we continued. 

Our first night happened last Friday. Since then I felt like he became more distant with me - he texted not that often but said that this week he has a lot of projects to do. In the end I couldn't take it anymore and when he asked me out, I said "I don't have time for such cold communication". He wanted to call me, but I wrote "I already understood everything. You want to say that it's not working for you, and I accept your decision".

He replied: - is it that easy for you?

Me: - it is not easy, but I want a warm relationship, and I won't get it from you. 

Him: - I like you. You know it very well. and I can understand you. Unfortunately I am not as warm as a boyfriend that you dream of. It is not your fault. And you always make me happy. I always fought for our relationship and I will never say that it should end. My problem is that I hurt you, and I don't want that. But I also don't want to end this relationship. What should I do or say now?

I didn't respond anything. Next day he called me, but I didn't pick up and didn't want to talk to him. He wrote:

- I like you, and I always wanted this relationship. But we need to find a solution for this problem. 

Me: - I don't understand you, all your actions say the opposite. 

Him: - but didn't I act the same in the beginning?

Me: -  Unfortunately, I couldn't melt your feelings so you would be warmer towards me. 

Him: - I don't want you to feel bad because of this. And I am not sure about this.

Me: - it is also the reason why you added other girls - because you didn't have enough feelings. 

Him: - so that problem with the girls is not over yet. This problem doesn't exist - I added these girls even before we met each other, so it should not play any role now 

Then I asked him how does he normally show feelings. He said "exactly how I acted towards you - with attention, small gifts, openness, trying to cook something for you"

Me: - Ok I get it. 

Him: - I understand you as well. You need a lot of attention. And you also need emotional security, and I unfortunately couldn't give you that. I know that you always feel like I am leaving you behind, or that I don't have any interest for you anymore. 

That was his last message yesterday and since then he doesn't text anything anymore... What should I do? Should I ask him straight if we are over? 

He is not going to give you what you want and it's not because you have only known him for 8-weeks. 

So, after you had sex, he stopped texting 'every day.' Ugh. You should move on. 

[contel3]

I'm not sure if I'm reading the text exchange right, but reading it from his perspective it kinda looks like you're trying to get rid of him?

[Glx]

1 hour ago, contel3 said:

I'm not sure if I'm reading the text exchange right, but reading it from his perspective it kinda looks like you're trying to get rid of him?

I am just always questioning his feelings towards me.. and I guess yes, even if it sounds bad, I do want him to chase me a little bit sometimes. maybe to feel more appreciated... I know that my behaviour is also not right. 

I guess by "pushing him away" I am still trying to "hide" my own feelings, because I understand that I am into him way more than he is into me. Though he is not stupid and most probably understands it already

Edited May 1, 2020 by Glx

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like you two don't have great chemistry.  If you've only been seeing someone for two months, and already the spark is dying and you're starting to feel unhappy, that's definitely a sign that you shouldn't waste any more time on this.  Move on from this guy.

[Glx]

He texted me today that he doesn't feel like he wants to break up, and he wouldn't want it as well. And added "But now it is you who should make this decision"

I replied: "I don't understand how can a person claim that he wants to be together, and not write all day"

Him: "You know that my Fridays are always super busy, I just finished" (I didn't know that!)

He then suggested "let's think it over today again and meet tomorrow to make a decision"... 

[Glx]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

^ That.  Love doesn't change anyone.  They are who they are.  And they're on their BEST behavior early on and get worse over time as they let their guard down and act like their true selves and stop trying to impress.  So if you don't like him now, it's only going to get worse.  He is who he is.  You can't change people.  If they complied with your demands, they'd just be faking it and it would mean nothing.

I guess I always believed that when guys (or girls) meet the right person, they change their ways. For example, "cold" guys suddenly become more affectionate, just because they like the girl so much. 

[preraph]

No.  They don't turn from frogs into princes, I'm afraid.  They are who they are, who they've always been.  Love doesn't change people's personalities.  I mean, the way they are, there's not necessarily (but sometimes) something wrong with them.  They're just not right for YOU.  They may be a good fit for someone.  I had a bf who was really stiff and nice but he ran out of stuff to talk about and I got bored having to carry the conversation, but once I let him go gently, he walked right into the the next relationship and found himself a wife.  

 

You really have to find someone you like they way they are NOW.  And you can't base it on how they are the first few, maybe 3-4 months either, because men and women alike will be on their best behavior, but they can't keep that up because it's too stressful for them.  So eventually they stop being as entertaining, and you start seeing who they really are.  And you need to be with someone at least a couple of years usually to really see who they are.  You want to see how they are in adverse circumstances like car breaking down, losing a job, you getting sick or them getting sick, to see what they're made of.  Because as the saying goes, and it is true, you don't know who someone really is until they're not getting their way!  So just sock that info away and keep it in mind.  

 

Don't take on "projects," guys with problems, guys whose personalities aren't for you, addicts, drunks, mentally ill that they're not doing their best to have treated.  It's above your pay grade.

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, Glx said:

I replied: "I don't understand how can a person claim that he wants to be together, and not write all day"

Him: "You know that my Fridays are always super busy, I just finished" (I didn't know that!)

 

Your expectation of constant text contact is highly unrealistic.  If someone is working or studying, you should assume they have work to do - they shouldn't have to tell you this stuff.

And no, you don't have to ask him if you are over.  If the relationship isn't meeting your needs, you make the decision as to whether or not to end it.  By putting the decision on him, you're giving away all your power.  

[Uptown182]

2 hours ago, Glx said:

I guess I always believed that when guys (or girls) meet the right person, they change their ways. For example, "cold" guys suddenly become more affectionate, just because they like the girl so much. 

No that’s not how it works.  A man who’s warm and affectionate by nature will most likely act this way to most of the girls he dates.  In the same vein a guy who’s more on the cold side will be this way with most of the girls he dates regardless of how into them he is.

My last boyfriend was very warm and affectionate, I was with him for 7 months and he told me he loved me all the time.  Then a month ago he blindsided me with a break up.  So as you can see warmth and affection isn’t necessarily an indication of how into You someone is.

[poppyfields]

Interesting perspectives about people never changing their behaviours, not sure I agree.

The dynamic of every relationship is different in my experience depending on the person, how into him I am, how into me he is, and how we interact and get on together in general.

The dynamic in one RL can be completely different from the next.

For me, I’ve behaved differently with every boyfriend I’ve had depending on our dynamic.

With one boyfriend, depending on my feelings and how we interact together, how our respective natures gel together, I might not be as enthusiastic or excited, yet with another boyfriend where my feelings are high, his are high, as well as other factors, I might behave much more enthusiastically, showing higher interest, moving my schedule around to see him, taking more initiative, etc.

OP, my take on this is that his interest in low.  He’s not motivated to chase you because "you" are not doing anything to motivate him to chase you.

You offer him no challenge, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’re always available, and you nag him about not texting more, which is how HE interprets you talking about it. 

Those are attraction killers in early stages (first six months).  And it will NOT motivate him to either be excited about you, want to move closer to you (emotionally), OR to chase you, like you said you want.  He becomes lazy in both feelings and action. 

Since you’ve already told him how you feel and nothing seems to be changing, if me I would pull back, stop always being so available, stop depending on him for your happiness, lower your expectations and detach from the outcome.

And for goodness sakes, stop nagging him about not texting enough or women on his social media.  If you don't like it, leave. 

Change starts with you. Either that or dump him, chalk it up to incompatibility and learn for next time what motivates a man to want to move closer to you. 

My fear for you now is that the only reason he doesn’t want to break up is because he’s getting regular sex.  Sorry. 

But I’m not sensing any real excitement from him which IMO IF he were into you, he would displaying on some level, in his own way, depending on his nature.

 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Juha]

First suggestion I would make is that your relationship conversations should be by phone or in person, not by text.

That is an awful way to have a real and legitimate conversation.

He is young and maybe does not have much experience dating/relationship wise.

Also this may just be how he is, he may be very loving and caring but not how you want him to be.

 

I don't know how much experience you have dating/relationship wise.

Add in that you seem to be a little needy with him and contacting you

The adding other girls on social media I can understand bothers you

Does it bother you that you think he will go with one of them or just the fact he has them?

How is you esteem about yourself?  

 

It just seems you are somewhat incompatible with how emotions are shown to each other and how you communicate.

 

Biggest thing is stop texting for serious conversations...

I wish you two luck

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Interesting perspectives about people never changing their behaviours, not sure I agree.

The dynamic of every relationship is different in my experience depending on the person, how into him I am, how into me he is, and how we interact and get on together in general.

The dynamic in one RL can be completely different from the next.

For me, I’ve behaved differently with every boyfriend I’ve had depending on our dynamic.

With one boyfriend, depending on my feelings and how we interact together, how our respective natures gel together, I might not be as enthusiastic or excited, yet with another boyfriend where my feelings are high, his are high, as well as other factors, I might behave much more enthusiastically, showing higher interest, moving my schedule around to see him, taking more initiative, etc.

OP, my take on this is that his interest in low.  He’s not motivated to chase you because "you" are not doing anything to motivate him to chase you.

You offer him no challenge, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’re always available, and you nag him about not texting more, which is how HE interprets you talking about it. 

Those are attraction killers in early stages (first six months).  And it will NOT motivate him to either be excited about you, want to move closer to you (emotionally), OR to chase you, like you said you want.  He becomes lazy in both feelings and action. 

Since you’ve already told him how you feel and nothing seems to be changing, if me I would pull back, stop always being so available, stop depending on him for your happiness, lower your expectations and detach from the outcome.

And for goodness sakes, stop nagging him about not texting enough or women on his social media.  If you don't like it, leave. 

Change starts with you. Either that or dump him, chalk it up to incompatibility and learn for next time what motivates a man to want to move closer to you. 

My fear for you now is that the only reason he doesn’t want to break up is because he’s getting regular sex.  Sorry. 

But I’m not sensing any real excitement from him which IMO IF he were into you, he would displaying on some level, in his own way, depending on his nature.

 

 

 

I agree she should pull back a bit.  However I haven’t seen her indicate that’s a he’s too available to him.  I think In the beginning when you’re both into each other it just flows.  I’ve never been one to play games because then I just think the interest won’t be genuine, it’ll be more about the chase.  
 

I remember years ago i dated a guy who I wasn’t super into, and I think vice versa.  However, because I would never initiate contact, just reply and only see him when it was convenient for me he chased me like crazy but deep down I knew he wasn’t that into me, he just liked the thrill of the chase.  Eventually after a few months he wasn’t chasing me as much and we agreed to break it off, no hard feelings because we just both weren’t that into it.  My point is in this case the chase is a game, if someone is genuinely interested in you, you won’t have to pull this stuff with not being available or not telling them how you feel.   The chase should happen naturally, guy meets a girls he’s super into and typically he wants to move faster than the girl, the girl will usually set the pace and slow it down if she feels it’s necessary.  But this only works if it happens naturally and it’s not forced.  

I’m not saying be a doormat, but at the same time I don’t see an issue with communicating how you feel about something to the person your dating.  That being said, I wouldn’t profess my love for someone after a week, but if I felt we should be communicating more I see no harm in saying it. 
 

To the OP, typically when a guy is really into you he will text, call and want to see you a lot the first few months.  It’s seems like you see each other quite a bit so that’s not an issue.  If you feel he goes days without texting you and you two are exclusive I see no issue with you addressing that with him, however I’d only mention it once.  As I stated before I don’t think the affection will change much.  As for the girls on social media, if they were there before you two met I would let it go.  Jealousy can be a big turn off if you blow it out of proportion.

Edited May 2, 2020 by Uptown182

[preraph]

2 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

No that’s not how it works.  A man who’s warm and affectionate by nature will most likely act this way to most of the girls he dates.  In the same vein a guy who’s more on the cold side will be this way with most of the girls he dates regardless of how into them he is.

My last boyfriend was very warm and affectionate, I was with him for 7 months and he told me he loved me all the time.  Then a month ago he blindsided me with a break up.  So as you can see warmth and affection isn’t necessarily an indication of how into You someone is.

Sorry that happened to you. I had to learn that lesson the hard way too. 

[Versacehottie]

I need to read all the answers but:

a) you are acting from a place of INSECURITY AND PASSIVITY.  Not a good way for you to behave in general.  For your own sake now and in the future, don't do this.  The question alone comes from a place that you've already failed and lost and are in the unbalanced low/no power person.

b) your expectations are too high for contact as well as for drama and intensity and a pit of desperation that needs to be filled with reassurance has got to go.  It's not attractive; it's part of what is causing the problem and his loss of interest.  Also you won't be happy if you badger him into these things and he will resent you.  If he cannot give you what you need, don't nag, just move on.  Also lighten up & have some playful moments in the relationship.  This screams of wayyyyy too heavy.  Sorry & good look.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just think he's not as interested as you are, OP. 

Sorry. 

[Erik30]

9 hours ago, Glx said:

I replied: "I don't understand how can a person claim that he wants to be together, and not write all day"

I'm sorry but that seems very needy. There's no way I would text someone all day. 

I just think you guys are incompatible... find someone who also wants to be in touch all the time. There are guys like that out there, you can see women complain about them on this forum 

[Glx]

2 hours ago, Erik30 said:

I'm sorry but that seems very needy. There's no way I would text someone all day. 

I just think you guys are incompatible... find someone who also wants to be in touch all the time. There are guys like that out there, you can see women complain about them on this forum 

I meant rather "I didn't receive any text from him until evening". Of course I don't want to be on the phone 24/7, but would still like to receive more messages or calls during the day. 

Edited May 2, 2020 by Glx

[Glx]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Interesting perspectives about people never changing their behaviours, not sure I agree.

The dynamic of every relationship is different in my experience depending on the person, how into him I am, how into me he is, and how we interact and get on together in general.

The dynamic in one RL can be completely different from the next.

For me, I’ve behaved differently with every boyfriend I’ve had depending on our dynamic.

With one boyfriend, depending on my feelings and how we interact together, how our respective natures gel together, I might not be as enthusiastic or excited, yet with another boyfriend where my feelings are high, his are high, as well as other factors, I might behave much more enthusiastically, showing higher interest, moving my schedule around to see him, taking more initiative, etc.

OP, my take on this is that his interest in low.  He’s not motivated to chase you because "you" are not doing anything to motivate him to chase you.

You offer him no challenge, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’re always available, and you nag him about not texting more, which is how HE interprets you talking about it. 

Those are attraction killers in early stages (first six months).  And it will NOT motivate him to either be excited about you, want to move closer to you (emotionally), OR to chase you, like you said you want.  He becomes lazy in both feelings and action. 

Since you’ve already told him how you feel and nothing seems to be changing, if me I would pull back, stop always being so available, stop depending on him for your happiness, lower your expectations and detach from the outcome.

And for goodness sakes, stop nagging him about not texting enough or women on his social media.  If you don't like it, leave. 

Change starts with you. Either that or dump him, chalk it up to incompatibility and learn for next time what motivates a man to want to move closer to you. 

My fear for you now is that the only reason he doesn’t want to break up is because he’s getting regular sex.  Sorry. 

But I’m not sensing any real excitement from him which IMO IF he were into you, he would displaying on some level, in his own way, depending on his nature.

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I guess inside myself I have always been needy, even though on the outside I didn't seem too available - I don't always say "yes" if he wants to meet, our first kiss happened only after a month and first sex - after 6 weeks. I told him before that I don't want to become intimate too soon, want to get to know him better. And during the first month we just met and talked about everything, or did other stuff like sports or playing chess. 

But guys definitely feel the neediness in girls, even if they try to act "cool".

And my behaviour during the last week definitely showed it as well. 

Edited May 2, 2020 by Glx