Why do I still feel heartbroken?

[Blind-Sided]

14 hours ago, Angel29 said:

There is about a 10 year age gap and I think he feels 'guilty' that there is a connection due to the age gap as though he is "too old". You can't help your feelings but just to manage them.

10 years isn't even a thing.  The exW and I were 8 years, and it wasn't even something that got talked about.  also, most of the girls I was talking with after my divorce were around 10 years younger than me. Here again... no one was even giving it a second thought. My current GF is nearly 21 years younger than me.  This one did make me think about things... but the more time we spend together, the less it matters.

Anyway... if he has a problem with a 10 year age gap... he's worrying about the wrong things... or just using it as an excuse.

 

12 hours ago, Angel29 said:

He knew how old I was. We would talk about life and hobbies etc whilst having a laugh. I have never talked about marriage or children in front of him as I am not sure about having children but I know he wants to get married. There could have been differences but I always get mixed signals from him.

This one is fun with an age gap.  I have a set of "Vans" sun glasses in my truck that my GF likes.  I told her I bought them before moving to where I'm at now. So... they are the same age as her.  Or the other day, we were in my garage, with my kids, and she was looking at my model airplanes. (one of my hobbies) She saw a small orange plane and said it was cute... my comment was... "Yep, it's older than most of the people here." (built it in the very early 90's)  She gave me dirty look, and then laughed.  

Anyway... at some point... age isn't an issue. Especially if the younger person is mature, and the older is young at hart.

Oh... with an age gap... kids needs to be an early conversation if things are going well. if not... you may find a difference of opinion once real feelings have developed.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

On 4/30/2020 at 1:38 PM, Angel29 said:

. I did not know where I stood with him so I asked him and he started panicking and said “he might have been leading me on”.

That was "the end".
You can make up all the excuses you want for him but the minute he turned you down was your cue to walk away and never think of him again.
Now three years later he still has no interest in you.
He seemingly has asked out just about every woman who crossed his path but not you...
Take the hint.
Please do not waste another second on this man.
 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, Angel29 said:

I think some of them have gone because they are socially awkward. These guys who have issues are not doing my mental health any good. 

Bit of an insulting thing to say don't you think.

It's unfair to place the blame on these men who you assume have issues, yet you don't consider for one second that you trying to get many men from the same circle might be the issue.

Sounds to me like you make men uncomfortable.

[Angel29]

Just now, JTSW said:

Bit of an insulting thing to say don't you think.

It's unfair to place the blame on these men who you assume have issues, yet you don't consider for one second that you trying to get many men from the same circle might be the issue.

Sounds to me like you make men uncomfortable.

I did not say all of the men are socially awkward and in time their issues have come to light. I don't think it is the right circle full stop as other environments seem to be more positive.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Angel29 said:

I don't think a 10 year age gap is wrong either.

You said that the other guys in your previous threads all different men.  Do you only date men who are 10 years older than you?  Are there any younger guys in the walking group?  

[Angel29]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You said that the other guys in your previous threads all different men.  Do you only date men who are 10 years older than you?  Are there any younger guys in the walking group?  

I think I need to go somewhere where there are younger men. I thought that living in the city there would be younger men but the younger ones seem to be in the more rural areas that have walking groups and the olders ones are in the city.

[JTSW]

Why younger men?

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Why younger men?

"Younger" I guess as in not "ten years older"

[LynneVicious]

Okay, you need to NOT join the same groups he is in if your feelings have or will resurface. Join different groups or do different things. It seems you’re monitoring his behavior closely with other women. That’s not healthy at all. 
 

if you want to stay clear of mind from him, join different groups, don’t look at his social media or group postings and just forget about him. You’ve never even dated. Keep it in perspective, girl. 

[JTSW]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

"Younger" I guess as in not "ten years older"

I meant older lol she seems to have a thing for older men.

 

[Ami1uwant]

22 hours ago, Angel29 said:

He knew how old I was. We would talk about life and hobbies etc whilst having a laugh. I have never talked about marriage or children in front of him as I am not sure about having children but I know he wants to get married. There could have been differences but I always get mixed signals from him.

What did you talk about?  You said you got mixed signals from him.  I’m thinking over conversations such as if you had a bf or if you had kids or do you want kids would have come up just like the question of marriage.    

 

What sort of signals did did he send you that you thought he was interested.

 

does 10 years...not necessarily but it depends more on where you are in your life.  This is quite common if you are say in that 34-40 age range where one may want yohave a child while the other had children in there early 20s and looking for them to be out of the house.  It isn’t just about having kids but if you already had kids. One has thrm in high school vs the other has them just starting to go to school is a big difference in life plans.

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

That was "the end".
You can make up all the excuses you want for him but the minute he turned you down was your cue to walk away and never think of him again.
Now three years later he still has no interest in you.
He seemingly has asked out just about every woman who crossed his path but not you...
Take the hint.
Please do not waste another second on this man.
 

Tough love but yes true, agreed.

OP, your last couple posts have me confused:

*Do you live in the city or a rural area?

*What type of things do you like to do besides walking?  I caught a couple or words where I'm assuming you are British perhaps?  In the US, at least where I live in CA, the guys that would join a walking group would be the nerdier, more socially awkward sorts on the whole.  No judgement and nothing wrong with that type of guy.  Just that you will be dealing with some of the other issues that if they really have a delayed intro to dating and then a lopsided group were there are more women, and lots of attention that they haven't previously been used to.

*I don't think you should get hung up on the age part as far as how old to choose or limit yourself based on that.  You didn't really say if you are younger or older than him-actually stats-wise, you should have MORE luck not less with a guy who is 10 years older than you if indeed that is the case.  No guy who is INTO you is going to really have a problem with that age difference (assuming mid 40s guy, mid 30s girl), but I repeat "who is into you".  I don't think you should be opposed to any guy you're attracted to--in other words, don't apply a bad experience with this guy and extrapolate his age and apply it to your next approach.  The logic is flawed in that actually that should have worked TO your advantage, not against it (at least statistically).

*Anyway, even though I'm throwing in a couple of things about the walking group, maybe we should concentrate on how you are next going to go about replacing how you spend your time and thoughts CURRENTLY with what you will replace them with next and how.  You need an action plan. 

 

 

[Angel29]

12 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Tough love but yes true, agreed.

OP, your last couple posts have me confused:

*Do you live in the city or a rural area?

*What type of things do you like to do besides walking?  I caught a couple or words where I'm assuming you are British perhaps?  In the US, at least where I live in CA, the guys that would join a walking group would be the nerdier, more socially awkward sorts on the whole.  No judgement and nothing wrong with that type of guy.  Just that you will be dealing with some of the other issues that if they really have a delayed intro to dating and then a lopsided group were there are more women, and lots of attention that they haven't previously been used to.

*I don't think you should get hung up on the age part as far as how old to choose or limit yourself based on that.  You didn't really say if you are younger or older than him-actually stats-wise, you should have MORE luck not less with a guy who is 10 years older than you if indeed that is the case.  No guy who is INTO you is going to really have a problem with that age difference (assuming mid 40s guy, mid 30s girl), but I repeat "who is into you".  I don't think you should be opposed to any guy you're attracted to--in other words, don't apply a bad experience with this guy and extrapolate his age and apply it to your next approach.  The logic is flawed in that actually that should have worked TO your advantage, not against it (at least statistically).

*Anyway, even though I'm throwing in a couple of things about the walking group, maybe we should concentrate on how you are next going to go about replacing how you spend your time and thoughts CURRENTLY with what you will replace them with next and how.  You need an action plan. 

 

 

I'm British and I live in the city.

I think you are right, some of the men are slightly socially awkward in the walking groups.

I am younger than him.

An action plan is a great idea. I should write it down so I have focus and stick to it. 

My other hobbies are day trips, history, art, spirituality, nutrition and camping. I don't know why I have not tried to pursue these hobbies with like minded people.

[Angel29]

I have been researching and making plans for the future to pursue new hobbies and meet new people which has helped me focus. I look forward to going down new avenues and the new groups look great.

I have one concern. 18 months ago a friend had a Christmas party and the guy I liked was there. At the time I was acting dismissive as I wanted to seem like I had moved on. He tried to hint he was still interested but he thought I had moved on. He started chatting to another woman at the party and they were getting on.

A friend came up to me and asked how I was as they had not seen me in a while. Obviously this question triggered my feelings and emotions and I burst into tears saying I was not ok. Some other friends rallied round to help me calm down as I was shaking from seeing him with this woman. The guy I liked never saw this happen. It was not his fault, he was just talking to someone.

The thing is how I can handle myself when there will be birthday parties he will be at? I can’t avoid celebrations for my friends. I can’t let my feelings consume me.

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Angel29

[Versacehottie]

I haven't had time but will write a longer post later but good for you to start making your plans.

As far as not losing it the next time you see him, you need to "let go".  Right now, you are making him the center of your universe even though you are not together.  You have to make YOU the center of your universe, ie you are the star of the show.  I would challenge you to talk about yourself more with everyone.  Don't give first and wait to get back that's leaving you on uneven footing with him/probably other people for sure too.  When someone invests in you, then you can invest back--that goes for everyone that you are making more important than yourself.  You need to look internally for what makes you, you and valuable, not externally.  As far as parties, I think you should skip a decent amount of them---but here's the trick to that, have plans BEFORE you get invited to this parties he will be at.  Tentative plans or set plans.  There is no better way to deal with this than getting super into your own life so you don't have to rely on these things. Lastly, I would say: are the mutual things that you would end up at the UNMISSABLE??? I'm guessing not.  They are friends of your hobby group, not your life long friend group or very best friends.  Do people REALLY mind missing those parties?  Not much, if they have better things to do, closer friends or a hot date.  Cultivate those 3 things (and Im sure i can think of more but that's the 3 main categories) and you will not miss being there at all.  

The key to breaking an unhealthy habit is to replace it with a healthy one.  I would imagine part of the reason you've attached SO much value to him is that you haven't fully gone after what your life should be with regard to interests, friends, other dates. Start investing in yourself.  Stretch a little to make new friends, put yourself on dating apps, makes a list of 10 things you like to do during your alone time and be unabashed about your devotion to them.  All of these are moves that ACTUALLY will make you more attractive the next time the right guy pops up.  Basically you need to get busy so you are ready when he comes along.  I don't mean that in that ALL you do is prepare yourself to meet the next guy.  I mean that what you want as one of your goals is to meet a great guy for you.  And you want to be feeling good after this debacle, feeling whole.  So get to work  Otherwise you are in real danger of just transferring your overblown attention to the next guy and for things to be unbalanced that time around and not get what you want again---and (this is the important part)---you will be unhappy and unfulfilled until "he" comes along and if it doesn't work out (which you'd be building a case against it working out), you will characterize the event of it not working out as it had something to do with you etc and set yourself back.  It seems like you have real "staying in" there power--even when it's not serving you OR justified--this is not a good thing in this case.  You need to not waste so much time and pivot until the someone that comes into your life is solid.  Until then you are collecting experiences and you should place a higher value on the things that make you, you because they will support you AND propel you toward the things you want out of life.  

Edited May 3, 2020 by Versacehottie