Angel29 Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 A few years ago I fell for a friend. We spent a lot of time together and all of his words and actions signalled he had romantic interest. I did not know where I stood with him so I asked him and he started panicking and said “he might have been leading me on”. Bear in mind at the time this was a 45 year old man saying this! It is quite clear looking back and after talking to friends about numerous incidents he has anxiety, bad moods and low self-esteem – I could deal with the anxiety but not a man with bad moods and low self esteem. After that I would ignore him if he was at the same venue as me, that sounds immature but I was hurt. Eventually I made amends with him only for my own peace of mind. I have mainly avoided social avenues of bumping into him and moved on. Nearly 3 years later I saw him before lockdown as I had moved on and he asked if I was dating anyone. I thought in my head not this again and why is he being so nosy. I asked him about his dating and he then told me he had tried various dating avenues and it did not work. He would not get sympathy from me if that’s what he wants. It seems he tries to ask out women at walking groups but the majority of them reject him as word gets around that he just asks women out or they suss out his behaviour. I joined some singles waking groups during lockdown so when this is all over I can get out and meet new people. I noticed he is in these groups too, which he is free to do so being single. I noticed he has recently commented and liked some photos of a woman on there who lives about 2 hours away him even though he keeps saying he wants someone who lives within 30 minutes of him. It is quite clear he likes brunettes so I don’t know why he flirts with me being a blonde. He said he is fed up of older women contacting him on dating sites, I don’t think most younger women like him by the sounds of it. He is 48 years old now. When I saw him recently my feelings for him arose but I know he is not right for me. I do not want to fall in the trap again. We seem to go to the same groups that have the common based theme but I really cannot be bumping into him. I can’t believe I let my emotions hold me. I feel like crying right now and sick as I had thought after all of this time I had moved on. If this was another man I would easily let go of them. Usually I would see some friends or go out and do things to take my mind off it. I don’t want this unhealthy situation to drag on any longer. I want the strength to let go and be at peace. Has anyone got any advice please?
stillafool Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Why would you join groups that you know he is in? You aren't over him and being around him will feed your obsession and upset you when you see him talking to or being with other women. You would be setting yourself up for pain and hurt. I think he asked if you were seeing someone as just conversation. If you thought that question was inappropriate why would you ask him is he seeing anyone? You should have changed the subject to show him you didn't care if and who he's seeing. If you feel sick and want to cry right now over him you certainly don't need to be around him in some group. 2
Blind-Sided Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 I'm sorry you are having to go through this. In most people's lives, there is that one person who is hard to let go of... but you must for one reason or another. For me, it was a girl I dated in my early 20's. We were together for almost 5 years, and I even worked at her dad's company. She broke up with me for a bunch of bogus reasons... but a few weeks later I found out from her brother she was cheating on me. I was absolutely crushed. Over the years, she tried to contact me, but I've never responded to her since she was the one who betrayed me. BUT... more importantly... I still loved her. So... roll the clock to now. I'm 47, and divorced. I travel for work, and I found out that I was going to be working in the town she lives in. He brother (Who I still talk to) told me to contact her, and that she would really like to see me. While there... I almost did... but after some deep soul searching... I decided not to. Why you may ask??? it's because even after nearly 25 years... I still have feelings for her, but knowing she betrayed my trust... there was no way I would want to start things up with her again. For several weeks I felt sad deep inside... but I stuck to my guns, and I've recovered again. I'm starting to guess that I wouldn't have been so upset if my divorce had been over longer. (I was just recently over all of that emotion) My only advice is to not talk with this guy. Since you have feelings for him... every time you see him, or talk with him... it like poking at a bruise, and keeping it from healing. I know some people will say... "You can't stop doing what you like to avoid someone"... but the truth is... you should. If you know he's in that walking group... then you should just find someone else to walk with. If he tries to contact you... just ignore him. He will eventually stop, and you will eventually heal. 3
stillafool Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Angel I looked back at your recent threads and about 4 of them are about this man. He is in one of your classes so why would you join a walking group you know he's in when you are struggling to get over him? 1
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Angel29 You need a pros & cons list. Con #1 against dating him is that he doesn't like you back. The list should help you keep your emotions in check. That said I think he has come around to liking you but he doesn't have the social maturity to express that in a healthy way. When you expressed interest years ago you scared him & overwhelmed him. Being the person he is, he reacted badly. That understandably hurt your feelings. It reminds me of a mess I made as a freshman in high school. As a teen that behavior is understandable but as a middle aged person we are supposed to be past that. He's obviously awkward which is why he's having such poor luck in these groups. Women sense his late bloomer status to put it kindly. That isn't off putting to you. Yet you are still mad & your pride was hurt. You are a bit jealous of the brunettes. Still you know you can't go to him. To be rejected 2x would be awful. Go on your hikes. Be polite but cool & aloof when you see him. It he finally gets his head out of his _ _ _ & develops the courage to properly ask you out, go on a date with him. I suspect you two may be good together but you may have to be patient. He will screw stuff up again. If there wasn't still something smoldering there, you wouldn't be this upset about his behavior. Still he has to make the 1st move & you should not wait for him to do so. Live your life & take your hikes as if he didn't exist. I could be wrong & you could have overread his friendship in the 1st place. Hence, you have to let him take any 1st steps toward a relationship. For now you must act as thought that is not a possibility.
Author Angel29 Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: Angel I looked back at your recent threads and about 4 of them are about this man. He is in one of your classes so why would you join a walking group you know he's in when you are struggling to get over him? No, the guy from my class is a completely different guy.
stillafool Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Angel29 said: No, the guy from my class is a completely different guy. Sorry if I got it wrong but in those threads you refer to a guy you met 3 years ago who is in his 40s. Sounded like this one again. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Hi Angel well I do remember you talking about this guy (pretty sure it's the same exact situation from your walking groups). I didn't check your previous threads so I don't know what you mean by classes but I'm sure I remember this walking guy who asks out the others in the group as well. Positive. A) I think it's mostly ego and lack of options that have you hung up on him B) You are not doing yourself any favors by putting yourself in the same situation over and over where you are around him, potentially going to bump into him. You are giving him more space in your brain than he deserves to occupy, much more! Kick him out It is like someone said above like re-opening a wound or bruising yourself over and over. You need real NO contact, which in your case would involve only joining hiking/walking groups that you are SURE he will not be in, ie all female or in a location he would never be. OR even better IMO, you are linking the hobby and him, almost romanticizing it. I think you would do go to step away from it for a while and replace it with another hobby. C) You both are slightly treating each other like your options have dried up. Therefore, in your mind your like "why won't he still pick me" instead he keeps searching, god forbid even geographically undesirables!!! lol. That statement just shows the depth of how much this has hurt you and how believing being with him will fix your own personal self esteem stuff. Girl you are worthy of the best and he's already proven to you that he isn't it!! You have to work on tools that will reinforce good self esteem, which in turn will give you the confidence that you can and will meet someone very well-suited to you AND who reciprocates your interest and things can progress. Again, giving him space in your brain just prolongs that true healing and finding that new person. Actually if you think about it, falling back on each other because options have dried up, whether that is real or imagined truth, is about the least sexy thing. You think we have a little something but why doesn't he want me when all of his options have dried up and he's even expanding his search to include things he says he doesn't want. The thought alone is self-defeating: why are you putting yourself at bottom of barrel and he still doesn't want you. It's humiliating and that's why your ego is trying to "right" it and stays in the challenge. You need to date someone else immediately! *So interesting you are a blonde I literally have imagined you as a brunette all this time. There are tons of guys who love a blonde. Start there. If someone doesn't appreciate you for your real traits including looks, it would be torture to try to change it. Good luck 1 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Angel29 said: A few years ago I fell for a friend. We spent a lot of time together and all of his words and actions signalled he had romantic interest. I did not know where I stood with him so I asked him and he started panicking and said “he might have been leading me on”. Bear in mind at the time this was a 45 year old man saying this! It is quite clear looking back and after talking to friends about numerous incidents he has anxiety, bad moods and low self-esteem – I could deal with the anxiety but not a man with bad moods and low self esteem. After that I would ignore him if he was at the same venue as me, that sounds immature but I was hurt. Eventually I made amends with him only for my own peace of mind. I have mainly avoided social avenues of bumping into him and moved on. What actions? Kissing? Sex? He seems to have no problems asking other women out...and getting rejected. Are you sure he has low self esteem? Typically, I would tell someone to not let anyone stop them from living their own life, but you are not settled about this guy. For now, unjoin these other groups. He knows you are there and probably relishing in it. 1
stillafool Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: What actions? Kissing? Sex? He seems to have no problems asking other women out...and getting rejected. Are you sure he has low self esteem? Typically, I would tell someone to not let anyone stop them from living their own life, but you are not settled about this guy. For now, unjoin these other groups. He knows you are there and probably relishing in it. This is what I'm thinking. This guy doesn't seem to have low self esteem at all when it comes to asking out someone he wants, he just gets rejected by the women he wants. It must be painful to be around him and him not asking to date you. You need to stay away from him so you can get over him. Also stop watching his social media and who he's liking. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 OP. As per why you are not over him or this is so difficult, that is hard to say and we can only speculate. May I venture to say that (1) he was a friend you became close to and likely had a great deal of trust in. (2) You clearly did not have the talk. Some will say that actions are enough, but I have never been confident of that. Verbalizing commitment is also important, though no guarantee. You believed that he was romantically interested, so I suspect you kissed, had sex, talked sweet to one another, etc. (3) He rejected you after finding yourself enamoured only to find out that he played you. Your pain is likely due to the betrayal from someone you thought was your friend. The constant reminder as you find him in the same social circles and frustration of feeling that you are unable to move forward because of this reminder. You say that if it was anyone else, you would have moved past it. You mean anyone else you had not invested so much in emotionally. Do you have problems dating, in general? 3
Versacehottie Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: This is what I'm thinking. This guy doesn't seem to have low self esteem at all when it comes to asking out someone he wants, he just gets rejected by the women he wants. It must be painful to be around him and him not asking to date you. You need to stay away from him so you can get over him. Also stop watching his social media and who he's liking. Ohhh yeah i forgot to say this but meant to. You are attaching more meaning to his life than your own. You have to make yourself the star of your own life. I would also suggest stop trying to analyze his internal stuff when your own is the priority. You can explain away his actions OR more productively get involved in your own that will move you to a place you want to be in life. He may have some low self esteem which is why he keeps baiting you to give him boosts for his ego here and there. And it may be such that he ALSO has low self esteem to look for validation of who HE is in whoever his partner is---which literally just reinforces the idea that he doesn't see how special you are & makes it damaging for you to keep trying. Tell yourself that you finally at the crossroads where a decision is going to be made about how you will find your special person and that you actively CHOOSE the path which moves away from him. It's much more empowering than the path with PASSIVELY waits and waits for him to do what he wants, which it may be advanced and not what you are looking for in this feedback but that is part of the problem on your end. It's more attractive to almost everyone healthy that you actively put yourself first and are the star of your own life rather than sitting in the stands like a fan of some desperate guy with low self-esteem himself. He is desperate by his own actions and I'm sure that's why it hurts so much. You need to latch onto how offensive and stupid he is. If getting angry helps you to do what you need to do for yourself, start there. good luck 2 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 (edited) If someone outwardly rejects you, it’s not that you’re not “good enough” for them, it means they are not right for you. You’re still attached because on some level your heart is telling you that he’s the one for you and that he got away. Your heart is wrong! However you imagine your relationship would have been with this guy (had he not rejected you) is not how it would have been in reality. The reality is that he is socially inept and clearly has a high level of relationship dysfunction. Is that what you really want? Maybe focus on that when you’re pining for him. I don’t think you should stop your hobbies because of this man but I sense that spending time with him will get him back in your head. Go to a different singles walking group if you can. Bottom line, don’t let this guy affect your happiness in doing what you want to do, or affect your chances of meeting someone else. He really isn’t worth it. Edited April 30, 2020 by Calmandfocused
JTSW Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 I'm confused. This sounds like the guy from your last post yet you say its not. Every post seems to be about a different guy. Maybe you should take a break from guys. 2
ShyViolet Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 It's ok if you're not perfectly "over" him and feelings still come up from time to time. Give yourself a break.. It takes time. Stop looking or worrying about what he is doing online. Who cares who he is contacting or who he's interested in? Try to avoid being in the same groups as him where you will see his activity. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 2 hours ago, JTSW said: I'm confused. This sounds like the guy from your last post yet you say its not. Every post seems to be about a different guy. Maybe you should take a break from guys. It sure seems like the guy same guy that she has been talking about for quite a while. I think maybe the OP isn't counting on us having such great recollection of details?? In any case, let's say it's some different guy--then I would say to OP why are you dipping into the same pool to find new people yourself to date? It just feels so inauthentic to do that. If we were to believe that it is a different guy, then it's made it at least twice that you've hit up the same circle of acquaintances in which to find who you can date--which is clearly not working or good for your soul. Go outside this small, incestous world. I can't believe i'm saying this but try some online or app dating 1
Author Angel29 Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 Thank you for all of your replies so far. Unfortunately it has been a few men I have talked about who I meet at these same groups. It is clearly not working for me and I think some of them have gone because they are socially awkward. I may need to try a different avenue once the lockdown is over. These guys who have issues are not doing my mental health any good. I'm sure there is a nice normal guy who has his issues resolved out there waiting to meet me.
Ami1uwant Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 How old are you? reason I sk this is if he was 45 and say you were late 20s he probably looked at you as too young for him so totally blocked out even having feelings for you beyond friendship. When you stuck your foot out he was shocked and taken aback. Then you pulled away while he started to think about this more and maybe realized..hey we do have something between us. Maybe I’ll try and pursue something with her.
Author Angel29 Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 29 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: How old are you? reason I sk this is if he was 45 and say you were late 20s he probably looked at you as too young for him so totally blocked out even having feelings for you beyond friendship. When you stuck your foot out he was shocked and taken aback. Then you pulled away while he started to think about this more and maybe realized..hey we do have something between us. Maybe I’ll try and pursue something with her. There is about a 10 year age gap and I think he feels 'guilty' that there is a connection due to the age gap as though he is "too old". You can't help your feelings but just to manage them.
Ami1uwant Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Angel29 said: There is about a 10 year age gap and I think he feels 'guilty' that there is a connection due to the age gap as though he is "too old". You can't help your feelings but just to manage them. Did he know you were just 10 years younger? What kind of stuff did you talk about? When I have talked to women some of the questions are targeted to getting info on her and learning about her. There may have bern things said that were on his no list for LTRs such as if you said something about having children. As he got yo know you he may have felt too much differences put her in the friend zone not thinking you were interested in thst way maybe because of signal you sent yo him early on thst would say not interested.
Author Angel29 Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Did he know you were just 10 years younger? What kind of stuff did you talk about? When I have talked to women some of the questions are targeted to getting info on her and learning about her. There may have bern things said that were on his no list for LTRs such as if you said something about having children. As he got yo know you he may have felt too much differences put her in the friend zone not thinking you were interested in thst way maybe because of signal you sent yo him early on thst would say not interested. He knew how old I was. We would talk about life and hobbies etc whilst having a laugh. I have never talked about marriage or children in front of him as I am not sure about having children but I know he wants to get married. There could have been differences but I always get mixed signals from him.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Angel29 said: There could have been differences but I always get mixed signals from him. That says a lot right there. Not committed to you from the start. Edited April 30, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 3
stillafool Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 3 hours ago, Angel29 said: Thank you for all of your replies so far. Unfortunately it has been a few men I have talked about who I meet at these same groups. It is clearly not working for me and I think some of them have gone because they are socially awkward. I may need to try a different avenue once the lockdown is over. These guys who have issues are not doing my mental health any good. I'm sure there is a nice normal guy who has his issues resolved out there waiting to meet me. How do you know these men left the group because they're socially awkward? I don't think a 10 year age difference is a big deal especially after 30. 1
Author Angel29 Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 11 minutes ago, stillafool said: How do you know these men left the group because they're socially awkward? I don't think a 10 year age difference is a big deal especially after 30. I think the wording came across wrong, not all of them but some of them who have attended the groups they struggle to speak and make friends in 'real life'. I don't think a 10 year age gap is wrong either. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 1, 2020 Posted May 1, 2020 Going on generalizations alone, I would assume that yes guys in that type of group are socially awkward. They probably lack friends and social connections. The group balance is probably heavily weighted toward women, who if also lonely although assuming not socially awkward, will be all over this guy as it's like a single man has dropped onto their world. So with a tiny bit of encouragement, he's probably like a kid in a candy store. OP, didn't say she was 10 years younger, just 10 years different, so it could be older and he could be biased toward that age difference in general. The mixed signals and friendzoning indicate that he unfortunately has never given her a fair shot. I think whenever OP started writing about her hiking group guys I told her not to keep finding her guys there. I'm sorry that he seems to have lead you on a bit. I know that was a while ago and I just feel like you have wasted time no matter which guy we are talking about. (TBH, I find it really odd that the same details about whichever guy apply: ie that he hits on and tries to date different women in the group; it's too coincidental that this fact would apply to various guys; anyway, giving you the benefit of the doubt bc the advice is the same regardless). I think whenever people don't really fully try their hardest to meet someone and put themselves out there, they give MORE value and attach more meaning to a connection. So I really hope that you explore lots of things which could also be fun for you; try not to solely look for dating opportunities in those place--just have fun; then at same time work on your self-confidence and also make direct attempts to date, ie dating apps & sites. *You've always struck me as someone who has something to offer--you just need to believe it and direct it in the right place. Believe in yourself. Good luck 1
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