Boyfriend has stopped calling me as much and I'm feeling resentful

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

. But I’ll take advice here and tell him I won’t expect it nor does he have to text me when he gets home. I’ll ask him what I can do to help tonight and tell him I understand. 

I think that's wise. 

How meaningful would it really be if he's only doing it because you told him to, anyway? Let him show you in his own way. 

[kendahke]

4 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

I said I don’t expect him to text during his work day, but when he gets home maybe.

That's in the evening, when he does call you, so I'm not seeing what the issue is with the phone calling.  You clearly said:

3 hours ago, Marie12345678 said:

For the last two weeks, he’s hardly called during the day, but he’s still keeping nightly calls.

 

[Fletch Lives]

He just got a new labor job and is sore and tired. Why don't you give him a few more weeks to settle into the job? Or suggest he get a job that's not as hard or long hours. How many hours does he work?

[smackie9]

It's all about adjusting. His job is new, it's physical, and he has to put in 110% being the new guy. Things are going to be a little different because his routine is different. If he really slacks off then communicate to him that you would like to hear from him say, after dinner before he settles down to do some gaming or before he heads off to bed. In time things will pick up again...I say distance makes the heart grows fonder.

Space is a good thing. When me and my husband were first dating, we didn't see or call each other everyday because we were both happily busy with hobbies and interests, had a life outside the relationship. We went out and did our own thing. It keeps things fresh. We still do it to this day. It's nice having the house to myself once in awhile.

[ShyViolet]

I'm genuinely confused.  You say that the communication has dropped off and he's "ignoring" you.  HE CALLS YOU EVERY NIGHT.  Why is that not enough?  Talking on the phone every single night, plus spending every weekend together, is LOTS of communication.  He recently started a physically demanding job.  He might be stressed and more tired than he was before.  Give him a break.

This needy, smothering behavior is likely to push him away or really annoy him.

[Marie12345678]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I really appreciate it. 
I have learned that the real issue here is that I got used to a certain level of communication, which I never asked for, but he did anyway. And that lasted a while. I already know I hate change and I’m trying to work on that. 
but through replies here I now understand I’m feeling sad over the lack of occasional lunch time calls or textS when he gets home from work to see how I’m doing because I’ve learned it isn’t convenient for him to do it at that time. I don’t want a guy to love me when it’s convenient . My efforts with chores and whatnot for him are not conditional, and I see talking when it’s convenient as a conditional thing. What if I really needed him. Would he be there for me?

anyway, as it stands I’ll telL him I won’t ask for the occasional check in during the day. And that I love him and don’t want to stress him and want to see him happy too. 
rhanks for the replies everyone 

[Interstellar]

You said a handful of things you do to him. What a lucky guy. A lot of guys here don’t have what he has.

When’s he gonna pop the question? haha

Edited April 29, 2020 by Interstellar

[homecoming]

I don't really understand this relationship. He doesn't seem to be putting any effort into it - which is understandable, because he is currently working a lot and sounds very tired, from what you've written. 

You seem to want the honeymoon period to last forever and, while you're not doing it in a selfish way, you're being a bit selfish and not very understanding. 

It seems to me that he doesn't want to be in any relationship, right now - but is just going along with it because he doesn't know how to let you down easy. 

I give this opinion on having dated someone similar, who, when I was overwhelmed with studies, would go on and on about not seeing me enough, and in all honesty, that created a lot of resentment from me towards her. You have said you haven't really bought it up, but there are a variety of non-verbal ways in which these things can be communicated.

[poppyfields]

I am not understating this idea of him loving you when “convenient.” 

The guy has got an extremely exhausting job, how about you loving him without being so demanding?

You want him to acquiesce to YOUR needs while at the same time you refuse to be understanding of HIS needs.  Please explain that.

I’ve learned a lot over the years and one of the most important traits a person can have in any relationship is the ability to be FLEXIBLE.

You simply cannot expect a man to behave with the same consistency 24/7, 365 days of the year. 

It’s impossible.  Circumstances change, and feelings can sometimes fluctuate.  This is normal. You need to be aware of this and not take it so personally.

There are have been times in my relationships where I wanted to spend entire weekends alone!

Didn’t mean I didn’t love my boyfriend; I am an introvert and I NEEDED that space.  Yes needed.  Everyone has their own needs, including you, including your boyfriend.

My goodness if my boyfriends took that personally and associated it with me loving him at my "convenience," I would not have lasted very long with him.

You have to allow for changing nuances, changing circumstances without freaking out about it, not taking it so personally, and not associating that with him not loving you or him loving you when convenient. 

You will lose many boyfriends with that mindset, including this one. 

With respect to him being there/not being there during times of crisis, that is an entirely different issue 

 

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

Hang on a sec. 

Aside from all that’s been mentioned on page 1 (haven’t read page 2) I just wanted to clarify something: 

This man is in his 30/40s and he’s living with his parents????. Really? To me, this is a massive turn off. 

A man who lives with his parents at this ripe old age is your first clue that he is not self sufficient and cannot take care of himself. 

Your second clue is that he either cannot he bothered or can’t afford to get his car fixed , which again indicates that he relies on others to take care of him. 
 

And your feeding into this by doing his laundry? In his parents house? 
 

Are you his mother? Out of interest how do you be his mother in his mother’s house? 

You are enabling him to behave like a baby. He isn’t a baby, he’s got a responsible job. Stop doing things for him and maybe he’ll man up outside of work like he does in work. He’s certainly capable of it and he’ll probably respect you more for it. 

[introverted1]

 

3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hang on a sec. 

Aside from all that’s been mentioned on page 1 (haven’t read page 2) I just wanted to clarify something: 

This man is in his 30/40s and he’s living with his parents????.

I was just coming on to ask this, too.

 

OP, is this correct - you are both in your mid-30's or low 40's and he does not have transportation (you mention that his car has been out of commission for a year and he relies on your for transportation) and lives with his parents? 

What's up with that?  Seems like a far bigger issue than the lack of texting throughout the day.

[Calmandfocused]

This bottom line is: this relationship is very unbalanced. It’s you whose putting in all the effort. 

Sorry to be blunt but the only effort he puts into this relationship is getting his leg over you. 

He gets all his needs met but you don’t. 

[poppyfields]

After recent posts by introverted and C&F, I am going to retract what I said w/r/t "this" situation. 

They're both 100% spot on! 

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[ccas93]

I actually understand how you feel. There was a childhood friend who I broke off contact with in January because I just didn't feel like truly understands that friendships are two way streets with social responsibility and accountability. I felt like he wanted all the benefits of having a best friend, someone who was there for him, but didn't want the responsibility of it. it felt very unbalanced, so I cut him off. It felt weird to do when I did it, but I didn't regret it for a second after. 

I'm not suggesting you instantly break up with him. But maybe ween yourself off of him. Stop being his maid. Stop coming over and having sex with him if he has rotting food in his room (WTF?). Children who don't clean up after themselves and play games all day, don't have sex or have girlfriends. If he wants you, make him shape up and stop only ever playing video games and making messes. Then decide where the relationship goes based on how he responds to that. But that's just me and how I'd handle it. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by ccas93

[rjc149]

8 hours ago, Marie12345678 said:

Thanks for the replies, but I’m still feeling resentful. How can someone be so tired that they can’t pick up a phone and send a text of “don’t want to talk but saying hi”. I don’t understand, can someone please help me get it? I’m the love of his life.

You would have started a thread "WTF?? Why doesn't he want to talk anymore??" Or if he began sending check-in texts like "hey how are you" you would be upset by the lack of substance and affection. 

When relationships get into routines and people get comfortable, the closeness and affection of the honeymoon phase will inevitably ebb. In whatever way this manifests, it will upset you. 

I think it would be better to understand what you are looking to get from this relationship, why you require non-stop affection and validation from him, and why the very understandable and natural lags in communication in a year-old relationship cause you to feel so neglected and resentful.

This is more of an issue with your anxiety and neediness, not his disinterest or lack of effort. 

[beentheredonethat77]

On 4/29/2020 at 4:12 PM, Marie12345678 said:

Thanks for the replies, but I’m still feeling resentful. How can someone be so tired that they can’t pick up a phone and send a text of “don’t want to talk but saying hi”. I don’t understand, can someone please help me get it? I’m the love of his life. I want to feel he’d do anything for me. I used to feel that but I don’t anymore. I’m not asking for a huge call or a texting convo, I’m asking for a 3 second text. Why do I feel I’m asking too much? 
Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m a narcissist, maybe an awful person. I’m not asking texts during work, a simple text when he gets home. He’s on the phone anyway usually, looking at reddit or something. 
I don’t understand why a boyfriend won’t do a simple thing for his girlfriend of it makes her happy. Please someone help me understand. 

You're being needy.... He is in work mode busting his butt and wants to just focus on that then switch over to girlfriend mode in the evening.   Why do you want a text you're practically holding a gun to his head to make him send? -- its not from an authentic place anyway? -- At this point you may as well send it to yourself --- I think back off in general.  Of the nagging for a text and also the over-the-top servitude on the weekends.   

Also, unless he asks/demands for your efforts on weekend, you are doing your relationship a huge disservice.  You are enabling his laziness as well as creating a resentment issue of your own.  

[CollinW]

On 4/29/2020 at 6:37 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do you feel the need to Mommy him? 

I can understand helping out a loved one, but you have essentially turned yourself into his cook, maid, seamstress and masseuse - to gain his approval?

This is irrelevant. You wouldn't ask a man who constantly give his gf money and finances her lifestyle why he feels the need to daddy her, would you?

Edited April 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comment.

[Marie12345678]

Thanks so much everyone for the comments. 
I was overly upset yesterday, and spoke out of frustration. This thread helped me realize that I was being a bit unreasonable, and I know I must back off, which I will do happily. 
 

my boyfriend really is good to me, but is going through hard times. My frustration over his living situation at home with parents  isn’t too awful but it does make freedom and intimacy difficult sometimes. His living situation is for good reasons; he’s also been through very hard times and I most definitely only want to make his life better. He’s talking about possibly getting a place together in the fall so hopefully if things work out that’ll happen. 
 

My flaws include resistance to ebb and flow and change, and I tend to be emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am loyal and give my all in relationships, so I’m not all bad. However I know I need improvement. I’m lucky my boyfriend is patient with me but I don’t want a therapist I want a partner so I know I cannot abuse his patience and must process things better. 
 

Im a lucky girl and while he may not be perfect neither am I so I have no business passing judgement on anyone, and he really is a great boyfriend who has taken me out many places pre-pandemic and is just going through a rough patch right now. I really thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your time and energy in responding to me and helping me see the light with things. 

[rjc149]

And in all fairness to you OP, it sounds like this guy could use some improvement on being a boyfriend too. For men, the courtship can never stop, or the spark dies, and she moves on. 

A wise man once said "The game never ends. If you don't keep courting her, someone else will."

Another wise man said "You must save a part of yourself for her at the end of each day, not just the crumbs and leftovers." 

 

[strawberryshortstack]

On 4/29/2020 at 5:12 AM, Marie12345678 said:

Thanks for the replies, but I’m still feeling resentful. How can someone be so tired that they can’t pick up a phone and send a text of “don’t want to talk but saying hi”. I don’t understand, can someone please help me get it? I’m the love of his life. I want to feel he’d do anything for me. I used to feel that but I don’t anymore. I’m not asking for a huge call or a texting convo, I’m asking for a 3 second text. Why do I feel I’m asking too much? 
Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m a narcissist, maybe an awful person. I’m not asking texts during work, a simple text when he gets home. He’s on the phone anyway usually, looking at reddit or something. 
I don’t understand why a boyfriend won’t do a simple thing for his girlfriend of it makes her happy. Please someone help me understand. 

Some jobs can be both emotionally and physically draining. Some days when I get home from my job (food/retail/customer service), I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even my boyfriend. The thought of any type of direct contact with another human being is enough to cause anxiety. On one of those days, I generally need an hour or two to recharge my "peopling batteries" before we talk.

[Paul]

Greetings all,

At the request of @Marie12345678, we're closing this thread to further replies for now. Thank you for your considerate and thoughtful insights!

Best,
Paul