Boyfriend has stopped calling me as much and I'm feeling resentful

[Marie12345678]

Hi everyone, i hope someone can shed some light on my situation. 

I’ve dated my boyfriend for almost a year now. For 9 months he was a communicative guy, always calling multiple times a day and sending texts. Affection with sex and cuddling is always plentiful on weekends. 

Since getting his new job two months ago as a demolition worker and covid 19 sanitation worker, he’s been slowly getting less in calling me and texting during the week. For the last two weeks, he’s hardly called during the day, but he’s still keeping nightly calls. Sex has remained the same on weekends even though he is in constant pain from all the physical labor he does.

The thing is, I’m constantly doing things for him on the weekends. I do all 2 loads of laundry every weekend, cook for him, clean his room, massage him, make cookies during the week for him, mend his clothing, etc. and he just plays his video games and has sex with me. I don’t mind doing all of these chores but I feel a text of “hey thinking of you” at some point during the day isn’t a lot to ask. 

I’ve brought this up now 3 times and he’ll call me more during the next day and then he’ll go back to ignoring me the following. He’ll tell me, since doing demo work he really doesn’t want to talk to anyone, not even me. I told him, I’m not just anyone, I’m the love of his life. I’m worth a 5 second text when he gets home from demo to say, thinking of you. All he did was say, to that, ok I’ll try harder. 

I’m resentful though. How hard is it to want to talk to your love? When my arm and thumb were broken I STILL did his chores and even massaged him. It hurt like hell but I did it because it would make his life easier. So hearing “I don’t feel like calling” hurts when I’ve made it clear he can just talk for 10 seconds of “don’t want to talk but I love you”. That would mean the world to me. How hard is that??

I feel ignored and dismissed, but I am not convinced I’m not in the wrong here. Am I being unreasonable? I know he can’t text during work but what’s the harm with a 10 second call when he gets home or a quick text for 5 seconds before he takes his nap. I just don’t understand. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you feel the need to Mommy him? 

I can understand helping out a loved one, but you have essentially turned yourself into his cook, maid, seamstress and masseuse - to gain his approval? It's not helping your cause, if that's the case. You're making it easy for him to not lift a finger and it's upsetting the balanced dynamic of your relationship. I am not sure where you got the impression that men want a mom instead of a girlfriend, but don't be afraid to stop pandering to him if it's leading you to feel resentful because he doesn't reciprocate. It's absurd that you forced yourself to massage him when your arm and thumb and broken and you were in pain. 

 you two ever go on dates? (pre-pandemic, of course) Do you spend quality time together, or is it just you running around trying to be the perfect homemaker while he plays video games? 

I don't personally see the reason he needs to text you every day if he's still also calling you each night.  However, I think the real issue here is that you're knocking yourself out trying to demonstrate your value to him and you don't feel he does the same for you. From my perspective, you're over-doing it and it's skewing your perception of his appreciation for you, because it's not at the same level. Try easing off a bit and not making a big deal out of texting before his nap; you're going to start making it seem forced rather than something he does because he genuinely wants to do. See if he starts doing it of his own volition and not just because you told him to tell you that he's thinking of you. 

[basil67]

I'm confused. He's making the effort to call you at night, every night, but you're upset because he doesn't text you as well?   Why does he need to text as well as call?  And I highly advise you to not behave as his maid on weekends unless you want to be his maid forever.

It's time to rethink both what you expect from others and and how much you should reasonably give.

[Marie12345678]

Because that’s what he did for 9 months, ask how my day is going and call 2 or 3 times. The sudden drop off upset me when my effort has remained 100 percent and his hasn’t. I wasn’t feeling well of Monday with some health issues and it would’ve been nice on Tuesday at some point to say, “ hey I hope you’re feeling better”. I’m going from lots of communication during the day to almost nothing, and the constant video games on the weekends and during the week during the nightly calls bothers me. He is almost always on the games during weekends. 
    Yes we did go on dates pre-pandemic but now most of the time it’s games and sex. I actually clean his room mostly because I’m disgusted with food rotting in the room, crumbs on the floor and empty wrappers everywhere. With the virus going on I am freaked out with all the filth. 
      Hes in pain a lot of time so that’s why I massage him and do his laundry. I like showing I care but I’m feeling resentful. I’ll back off on the chores and see how that goes. Thanks for the replies. 

[NomiMalone]

I totally get where you’re coming from Marie. However it honestly sounds like his new jobs are not the types of jobs where he’s able to have his phone with him at hand to text throughout the day. Eg with the Covid sanitation job, it sounds like he’ll be dressed in PPE all day, and you can’t use a phone when you’re dressed in those (you can’t even go pee apparently!)

It also sounds like his new job is really physically demanding. He’s communicated clearly to you that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone after work, not just you. I’d take that at face value. I worked 2 jobs before Covid and was constantly physically and mentally exhausted, and needed lots of alone time to just relax whenever I could (which is easy for me though, cos I live alone and don’t have to worry about offending anyone by not wanting to engage in any kind of talk at all.) it doesn’t mean you mean any less to him, just that work circumstances have changed and he’s very tired. He’s still calling you every night, that says a lot. 

Appreciate that he’s choosing to work hard at his new roles and isn’t a lazy bum holding his hand out for welfare. Let him know that you like that about him and are proud of him! I’m sure he really appreciates the chores and things you do on the weekend for him and maybe isn’t good at showing appreciation.

I recommend taking up a hobby you’ve always wanted to take up, or join an evening class etc during the week. Eg learn dance, join a gym, learn a new language? It’ll help take your mind off your relationship and you’ll have fun

Edited April 29, 2020 by NomiMalone

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

Because that’s what he did for 9 months, ask how my day is going and call 2 or 3 times. The sudden drop off upset me when my effort has remained 100 percent and his hasn’t.

But I assume you haven't started a new job in the last two months and aren't a Covid sanitation worker, correct? My point is that I am not sure your comparison of your effort against his is quite fair given his different work circumstances. 

[Marie12345678]

Thanks for the replies, but I’m still feeling resentful. How can someone be so tired that they can’t pick up a phone and send a text of “don’t want to talk but saying hi”. I don’t understand, can someone please help me get it? I’m the love of his life. I want to feel he’d do anything for me. I used to feel that but I don’t anymore. I’m not asking for a huge call or a texting convo, I’m asking for a 3 second text. Why do I feel I’m asking too much? 
Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m a narcissist, maybe an awful person. I’m not asking texts during work, a simple text when he gets home. He’s on the phone anyway usually, looking at reddit or something. 
I don’t understand why a boyfriend won’t do a simple thing for his girlfriend of it makes her happy. Please someone help me understand. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Marie12345678 said:

For the last two weeks, he’s hardly called during the day, but he’s still keeping nightly calls.

Could it be because:

Quote

Since getting his new job two months ago as a demolition worker

He's demolishing all day long. When exactly is he supposed to call you? Can't do it while slinging a sledgehammer. His boss would have something to say to him about being on the phone with you all day.

Question: how much money does your efforts bring in to buy food, pay rent, utilities and medicine?  If he was hanging out on the corner all day long, I could see your point... but from what you've stated, you're being wholly unrealistic. 

Take up an online interest to cure your boredom... He's not neglecting you, since he calls you every evening. 

I'm not seeing him as the problem here. From what you've written, he's being responsible and is taking care of business.  Take a page from him and get busy.

Quote

I’m the love of his life.

If you don't ease up on this, that could change. No one likes to be nagged.

 

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by kendahke

[poppyfields]

Marie, you can't force your bf to want to talk to you more often,  no matter how hard you nag him about it, which is precisely how HE interprets your complaining.

You're actually doing the opposite of what you want - you are pushing him away.

I get that he communicated more often  before the new job, but you have to understand things can change depending on circumstances such as this new job which is mentally and physically exhausting for him.

I cannot say whether you're a narcissist (your suspicion) but you "are" being very selfish imo.

You may think you're not because you do so much for him, but that is your choice. 

One might presume you do these things out of love, from your heart, but since you're so resentful that he's not currently matching the insane amount of effort you're putting forth, something else is at play here besides love.  Like some quid pro quo thing - I do for you, you do for me, and if you don't, I will resent you. 

That is NOT love.

No it isn't hard to send a 10 second text, he just doesn't want to, which given his new circumstances, and now since you've been complaining, he feels "obligated" to do, I can't say I blame him.

Marie, you are driving him away.

Bottom line, if you are unable to be flexible and open to the inevitable changing nuances in your relationship that are a given in any relationship, you are going to have a very difficult time coping in any relationship.

And you risk losing him for good. 

Your choice. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Marie12345678]

Thanks for the replies. I really don’t nag him much. I don’t bring up the fact his tooth is infected and he isn’t seeing a dentist, I don’t bring up how he doesn’t clean up after himself, I don’t bring up how his car has remained out of commission from a fender bender for just about a full year and had to use my car for everything , or the fact he lives with his parents. Or the fact I travel over an hour to see him every weekend. 
 

 All I ever brought up was that I missed him checking in. And as explained before, I don’t expect during the day. When he comes home. But honestly I’m seeing that really isn’t the issue. It’s the fact he practically glued to his electronics all weekend, even when  I’m trying to show him a video I made for my job or something fun. Or how he barely wants to do anything with me besides sex. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Please go back and read a few of my older threads. I faced the same issue--wondering why my boyfriend had stopped contacting me as much. The update is that it was nothing to worry about, and we are now legally committed.

My feeling about your situation is that it is nothing to worry about as well. He is preoccupied with his new job, which has been exhausting for him. Also, things change over time in relationships once the honeymoon phase is over. He has grown more comfortable with you and more certain of your connection, and no longer feels the need to be in constant contact--which cannot be maintained indefinitely.

You need to back off with the complaining and nagging. This is going to turn him off and encourage him to tune you out! You have to learn to fuel yourself emotionally from more than one source--boyfriend, family, friends, hobbies and interests, volunteer work, pets, doing nice things for yourself, etc... You are leaning too much on him. 

Good luck!

Edit: Regarding the chores, only do them if you truly want to, not because you're score keeping and think that doing his chores entitles you to something in return. 

 

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1

[clia]

14 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

Thanks for the replies. I really don’t nag him much. I don’t bring up the fact his tooth is infected and he isn’t seeing a dentist, I don’t bring up how he doesn’t clean up after himself, I don’t bring up how his car has remained out of commission from a fender bender for just about a full year and had to use my car for everything , or the fact he lives with his parents. Or the fact I travel over an hour to see him every weekend. 
 

 All I ever brought up was that I missed him checking in. And as explained before, I don’t expect during the day. When he comes home. But honestly I’m seeing that really isn’t the issue. It’s the fact he practically glued to his electronics all weekend, even when  I’m trying to show him a video I made for my job or something fun. Or how he barely wants to do anything with me besides sex. 

It seems like the bigger issue is that he is putting little to no effort in your relationship.    

Why are you being the martyr here?  You clean his room, do his laundry, drive to him, let him use your car . . . while he plays video games all weekend?  And your reward is that you get to have sex with him?  Seriously?  Why are you putting up with this treatment?

If I were in your shoes, I would take a step back and spend the weekend at home doing my own thing without him.  Let him clean his own room and do his own laundry. 

[Redhead14]

There is a saying "never do laundry for a man who isn't your husband".  Apart from that, its OK if you open a casual, non-confrontational conversation about how you appreciate what he's been doing and going through but you need some support and appreciation as well and explain how you're feeling.  If you don't talk to him about it, you are giving him license to treat you this way.  He's probably not even really realizing how he's making your feel.  He may sense that you're a little pissy or frustrated if you're bottling it up though which doesn't help the situation.  If he dismisses it after you talk to him, then you may need to consider that he's not the guy for you.

He doesn't sound like a boyfriend though . . .  he sounds like a parasite.

Edited April 29, 2020 by Redhead14

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

But honestly I’m seeing that really isn’t the issue. It’s the fact he practically glued to his electronics all weekend, even when  I’m trying to show him a video I made for my job or something fun. Or how he barely wants to do anything with me besides sex. 

What's great about these forums is that it allows us to vent, which often leads us to what's lurking beneath - the real issues behind your resentment, which is actually not resentment at all, but the sadness and pain you're feeling due to his apparent lack of interest in spending time with you, or developing his relationship with you.

You have a decision to make, I'm sorry and best of luck.

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am a firm believer when someone's communication suddenly changes in a dramatic fashion, that something is up. But I find it peculiar that you don't seem to see the amount of distress/stress/pain he is in and how that amply explains why he has changed recently. He may even be depressed. I am not providing an excuse, but many people are in a happier world when they are playing video games. Escape. Depression. Pain. 

Do you work? Do you have other things to do with while he is at work? It sounds like you have too much time on your hands that doesn't distract you from over-thinking things. 

Also, it does sound like you are spending a lot of time with your bf during these COVID times. He is ALSO a COVID sanitation worker? What does that mean? You are not concerned that he and you are at greater risk? Do you have any other friends or family or co-workers you come in contact with when you two are not together during the week?

I don't know, but there is something off about your thread. You are heavily critical though you do not nag your bf about it (as you claim). You openly portray yourself as peculiarly unreasonable as you detail how hard your bf is working (two jobs???) and his recent level of work commitment. You are resentful and no amount of solace except for a simple text during the day will suffice. He does check in during the evening. You make claims that you are the 'love of his life.' I see that your age group is mid 30s-mid 40s, so not young and naive. Are you feeling particularly insecure now because of the missing text during the day? Do you suspect more may be going on? Is there more to this thread than you have revealed? Were your weekends (prior to new job(s))always just games and sex or recent development? Did you two go out more before he got more busy?

Edited April 29, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[Marie12345678]

Thanks guys. 
he does say thank you and that he appreciates what I do and this past Friday things were better, he wasn’t on his game much and looked at me more and even had a conversation with me looking at me, and not while on his games. But I’m frustrated over the constant game playing. We played a board game over the weekend, which made me happy but then it was back to video games. I usually take long solitary walks since there really isn’t any place we can go to and he is usually in too much pain to do any physical activity so our weekends look like sex, eating and games mostly. I never tell him I’m bored even though I am and I try to entertain myself but it sucks I drive all that way there to just take my walks alone most of the time and him on his bed playing his games. 

Sometimes when we cuddle he’s even having the phone in the other hand. I’ll usually say something like”is it possible to have one in one time right now?”

before the job and pandemic he played his games but we actually did stuff. The pandemic has made me uncertain and worried of all the changes, so the change in our communication doesn’t help. But those of you who said I need to accept change are totally right. I’ve always been bad about it, ever since I was in an abusive relationship years ago, when my boyfriend slowly stopped communicating and withheld affection and it took months and months for me to speak up about it ( whole other issue). I know bringing in the past to a current relationship is a bad thing and I try not to do it but it’s hard sometimes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

Or the fact I travel over an hour to see him every weekend. 

Maybe he's feeling smothered, OP. It doesn't sound like he has much time on his own to unwind on his days off. 

He's busy now and has little time to himself, I'm gathering. Him disengaging and getting lost in his devices when you're there sucks, I know. But it would send me the strong signal that maybe he needs a morning/afternoon/day on his own to do his thing now and then, without me around - especially if I'm already giving him the gears about not texting me enough. 

I don't doubt that he cares about you, but I would read between the lines about what he's not saying. He's gotten so used to you being around and trying to mother him that he doesn't really appreciate you or miss you anymore. Before you blow a gasket on him, I would take a step back and let him come to you. You're not giving him room to show you that he's still invested. And no, it might not be in the exact way you want. You have to decide if not getting a text and a phone call every day is a dealbreaker. I am seeing that there are other more serious problems brewing in your relationship than this, though. It's not really just about the texting. 

[smackie9]

He's working of course he isn't going to be calling or texting you. You need to find something to do during the day to occupy yourself. You can't expect him to revolve his whole world around you. If I were you I would be happy that he has found work, is being productive, happy and making an income.

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, clia said:

If I were in your shoes, I would take a step back and spend the weekend at home doing my own thing without him.  Let him clean his own room and do his own laundry. 

Given the fact he is a COVID sanitation worker, I wouldn't be spending any time with him at all right now.  Cuddling, sex? 

OP you are placing yourself at great risk by doing so, and in turn you place others YOU are in contact with, at your job, etc, at great risk, that's how covid spreads. 

There is a 2-14 day period after exposure within which you experience no symptoms, you know this right?

Not quite sure what you're thinking there.

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[clia]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe he's feeling smothered, OP. It doesn't sound like he has much time on his own to unwind on his days off. 

This is a very good point.  How often are you driving to his house and how long are you staying?  It really doesn't make any sense to me why you would drive over there if he's just playing video games and not hanging out with you.  Why bother?  

[Marie12345678]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He's working of course he isn't going to be calling or texting you. You need to find something to do during the day to occupy yourself. You can't expect him to revolve his whole world around you. If I were you I would be happy that he has found work, is being productive, happy and making an income.

I work from 7 to 5, thank you

[smackie9]

It

7 minutes ago, Marie12345678 said:

I work from 7 to 5, thank you

And he works a very physical job and I know he wouldn't have time, I have worked demos myself.  As a manager, I find it disrespectful when people pull out their phones during work time and I end up having to discipline them. I bet his boss stipulated the phones need to be put away, he is there to work, not be texting his GF.

Also the reality is, he's probably socializing with his new co-works on their breaks.

Edited April 29, 2020 by smackie9

[Marie12345678]

Yeah I’m a bit nuts visiting him but he’s careful with the hygiene, and I want to see him. 
I visit him Friday night until Sunday. I am absent a lot during that time however, doing my own thing in his Cory, mostly walking. I’ll walk 7 to 8 miles a day to give him space. And often times in his room I’ll let him play his game for hours until I suggest to do something together or have sex. He’ll initiate sex so that’s good. 

perhaps tonight I’ll tell him “ I understand you’re tired and need time to unwind so if you don’t text me when you get home after work that’s fine. Let me know if I can do anything to help. “
 

 

[preraph]

How is feeding your bf the words to say to you and when to say them at all gratifying for you?  It means absolutely nothing if it's not done voluntarily and from the heart from him.  Stop doing all that stuff for him if you resent it.  It sounds like he works very hard and is very tired and could use some support.  But if you don't feel he's appreciating it, then stop doing them, including sex.   What is happening is you are finding out what he's like during tough times.  You are finding out what his capacity for things is.  He doesn't sound that bad at all to me.  He sounds exhausted.  But if it's not enough to keep your fire lit, then do what he's doing and peel back the favors.  

[Marie12345678]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It

And he works a very physical job and I know he wouldn't have time, I have worked demos myself.  As a manager, I find it disrespectful when people pull out their phones during work time and I end up having to discipline them. I bet his boss stipulated the phones need to be put away, he is there to work, not be texting his GF.

Also the reality is, he's probably socializing with his new co-works on their breaks.

Yes as stated several times, I said I don’t expect him to text during his work day, but when he gets home maybe. I’d never expect him to text while he’s doing demo. But I’ll take advice here and tell him I won’t expect it nor does he have to text me when he gets home. I’ll ask him what I can do to help tonight and tell him I understand. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Marie12345678