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Why did he ghost me?


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Posted (edited)

I've never been rejected by a man though and I'm nothing special. I've never had a man reject me, tell me he wasn't interested, never had a one night stand and I've had quite a lot of experience. 

Edited by Realitysux
  • Like 2
Posted
9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It's like, you went out of your way to write that when no one asked you? Who said I was going your way anyway?  

 

Writing? That's a face to face thing, surely. 

So if someone you've been dating for 2 months asked you 'are we meeting up tomorrow?', you reply 'sure' then disappear, your reasoning is that you are vanishing  out of kindness? Feel like I'm missing something.

Posted
1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Writing? That's a face to face thing, surely. 

So if someone you've been dating for 2 months asked you 'are we meeting up tomorrow?', you reply 'sure' then disappear, your reasoning is that you are vanishing  out of kindness? Feel like I'm missing something.

I don't think ghosting is usually making an actual plan and then disappearing, is it? Isn't that being stood up? Ghosting is when all of a sudden the person just stops calling/texting. 

  • Like 1
Posted

Sometimes people get ghosted for no fault of their own.  Maybe, the other person just gets COLD FEET, decides they are not into it, or just has so many other options.

 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Writing? That's a face to face thing, surely. 

So if someone you've been dating for 2 months asked you 'are we meeting up tomorrow?', you reply 'sure' then disappear, your reasoning is that you are vanishing  out of kindness? Feel like I'm missing something.

yea I would call that standing someone up and I've never done that. I think that's much worse because then you've requested someone to block out their time for you and most likely go somewhere and you no show...That's lame. But just not answering? Y, I have done it. I have also said "sorry I don't think we're a match". I can't say which turned out better for the other person. I do not believe the guys I just didn't answer thought something happened to me or were waiting with baited breath...I think most of them tried a couple more times and then moved on...I doubt they lost sleep. And it wasn't like the ones I verbally ended it were happy. 9/10 it was succeeded but a very awkward conversation as to what happened(which I understand in a way...)but I'm sure they were just fine too..It just didn't see much difference either way

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Posted
3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't think ghosting is usually making an actual plan and then disappearing, is it? Isn't that being stood up? Ghosting is when all of a sudden the person just stops calling/texting. 

I'm just going off the OP's scenario. 

But I don't know of a scenario where all is fine in person after a few dates, the guy thinks all is going swimmingly, you suddenly stop all comms out of the blue and this is considered kindness or empathy, sorry. It's neither. If neither is that invested, wrapping it in a positive way rather than radio silence seems more polite to me, all things being equal. As you say, it's not like anyone will be losing any sleep over it either way so what does it cost to be gracious about it? 🤷‍♀️ 

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I'm sure they were just fine too

 Yeah, I too think they survive just fine. You don't like the awkward verbal conversation (nobody else does), which is fine, and want to save yourself the hassle, but there's no empathy to ghosting someone (as you posted upthread). 

 

Posted (edited)

If it has been a few dates, like three, four, I wouldn't ghost but I've dropped communication after two dates and had the same thing happen a couple of times...I know I'm from a different generation so maybe that has something to do with it somehow but we would cry for like half an hour to our friends, HE NEVER CALLED ME and the posse of girls would gather with Ben and Jerry's and a lot of makeup and some movie or other to fix the injured party, by the next day she was ready to go again because her buds had spread the word that she was available. :D Done...I don't know. Things seem a lot more serious now. Anything other than a wave requires official breakup notice. 

Maybe we just had low self esteem but if after a date of two there wasn't another call we figured...oh...that didn't work out..or if we'd call..and he didn't call back...well...there you go. By the way, yes, that would have been true If technically the two had known each other for a long time...had crossed paths, maybe had been friends once, we just didn't consider it and ate until it was a date. I don't know...

I get that ghosting seems weird and it course it hurts. If it's a full on relationship and the person literally disappears that's different but a date or two...I don't know...just why torture one another over that? And not to be cruel but can't people realize that actual meetings resulting in no more of that intensity means you tried it, one of you wasn't into it after all? It happens. That is why we date. Can't it just be...yeah, we weren't really meant to be?

I think it's because of all the text text text text text stuff...it creates this sense of a relationship but is there one? How much is real and how much is fill in the blanks? When you be only met Maybe twice? I wonder if that's really the problem. It all gets so built up and there are these HUGE expectations and then it you "stop seeing" one a other after only having actually been together once or twice it's still supposed to be this whole official breakup talk, etc...of course that's going to sometimes feel really odd and just...too much.

I feel like all the drama and intensity haven't done today's dating world any favors...JMO... :(

Edited by CaliforniaGirl
Posted
8 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

If it has been a few dates, like three, four, I wouldn't ghost but I've dropped communication after two dates and had the same thing happen a couple of times...

I have no strong views on this either way and I don't remember having it done to me (not dated that much, not dated on OLD, rarely dated randoms) but my point was that I don't see the empathy angle Cookies was putting forward as an explanation. 

 

Posted (edited)

Emilie, the reason I feel like it's empathy is almost every time  I do it, I do it because of it's honestly what I think I would rather have done to me...so it feels wrong to verbally tell them. And yes, I do not like to hear/see someone feel bad to my face or my phone screen. It makes me cringe worse than anything because I feel for them...I don't want to hurt anyone.I am not doing it because I'm too lazy/careless to type out the words.If  I didn't care about how they felt, I would just say "don't like you. bye"

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 1
Posted

Fair enough, but as you say after a couple of dates, there's not that much hurt unless they are mentally off kilter; it's a little dent to the ego, you should be able to shrug it off and move on. I get the self-preservation part or the avoidance of potential drama aspect, but I'm not sure it can be packaged as an act of goodness. No big deal though, it's all good. 

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

I also think if it hurts me this much to do it to a guy....how much that must be 10x worse for a guy to do it to a woman. I don't think guys like hurting women's feelings/rejecting them and are very empathetic towards women about rejection,  having dealt with it a lot....So that's probably why guys might be more likely to ghost...maybe not. Just thought. Nothing more to back it.

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 1
Posted

The vast majority of guys I know don't have "lots of options". Yeah I could easily see that being the reason for a women, but as far as guys go the  majority of my friends had very few dates (I'm certain). It was an exception to the rule that a guy had options.

  • Like 1
Posted

If you've been on more than 1 date with someone, and especially if you've been seeing someone, ghosting is very cowardly. Some sort of final message and closure is best, even if it's just a figurative "it's not you, it's me" or "I'm not ready to date right now" or "I just didn't feel a spark," or simply "I can't Saturday" with no suggested reschedule. At least be bothered to respond to someone who is putting themself out there to you. 

A guy, because he is supposed to be the pursuer in the beginning, isn't placed in situations where he would want to ghost a girl he's been seeing, if he were a coward. He can simply not pursue anymore. Not ask her on dates, not hit her up, and respond to her messages with disinterested replies or simply not take the opportunity to set more dates. And usually, unless she is very forward and needy, she gets the message. He doesn't need to abruptly start ignoring her existence unless she isn't accepting the rejection. 

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