SumGuy Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 15 minutes ago, FMW said: Well if he's trying to be helpful, I think I would probably choose to not have that help (or him) in my life. Sure, you can talk about it at the appropriate time and place. But if he's so clueless that he thinks it's ok to bring it up during sex, then that same cluelessness is bound to exhibit itself in other damaging ways. There is seriously no good excuse for that. Yep it could be the tip of the iceberg or just a very rough patch. I'm not 60 yet, but always put things in perspective, the entire package...life is too short to throw away something that is otherwise good without seeking understanding, it is also too short to keep alive something that is not working. Being older should grant wisdom, but it doesn't necessarily, we just get better at rationalization, and being stuck in our ways. Wisdom would say to look at the totality, to consider all the ways he could have meant this (not just the way people reasonably take it). Then think out how different responses play out in different scenarios. Wisdom often finds that there is a response that works for all likely paths. Here in this specific case based on what has been posted seeking understanding and explaining is it. If he is being judgmental you will find out, if he can't accept you you will find out, if he is being controlling you will find out, if he is trying to be helpful but in a clueless way but cares you will find out and he will change. In every case you lose nothing (except the catharsis of anger, and maybe some time) and you can know you tired. Not that this approach is easy, or free from emotional vulnerability. Or one can write him off. It may be that this level of clueless is just too much for you, fair enough. It may not matter if he can change or not. Such acts may be too damaging to you. I'm younger, in my 50s, so been through a lot more damaging things in life than a woman judging my body, or even other things that emotionally hurt me a lot but which may not have been done out of intent to hurt, even if hurt is a likely outcome. Decent and good people learn and can change at any age, so I give my relationship partners a chance...I never guess, I never make them guess, an open, understanding conversation. Yes, several times there is no resolution, it may be we just see it different or they are not the person I thought they were. It hurts, but you know, you took the high road and you move on. The high road isn't easy, it may not feed one's need to vent, but in the long run you feel the best. All the above though is completely ignoring the Mother's Day comment, my suspicion is that is a major issue that is simmering without resolution. His weight comments may just be the final straw. That I can get. A last caveat, there are plenty of situations where I believe one should run, where conversation will not work, and one just needs to get out, where there is no interpretation of an action (no matter how kind) that would counsel one to try. 2
preraph Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, Insultedornot said: I should add that when we were sitting down this morning and I saw an ad for a handbag that I liked and mentioned the ad was for Mother’s Day so I said aloud. I indicated that maybe my kids would buy it for me for the holiday. In about an hour later as he was getting his things and ready to leave I heard him say under his breath now it’s Mother’s Day. So he's lazy and resents having to be nice. And he doesn't mind if you know it because he said it so you'd hear. Not a good sign. Although I would add that technically, if he isn't the father of your kids and he's not one of your kids, he doesn't have to get you a Mother's Day gift. Edited April 28, 2020 by preraph 1
Lotsgoingon Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 Really you do not want to ask, "Why would you say such a thing?" The question answers itself: he would say such a thing because he didn't know he was not supposed to say such a thing ... because he was clueless ... and/or ... he wanted to hurt you. Rather, you want to make clear to him that any hint of a mention about your weight is off limits. You say this is me. I am who I am. And you say look, I enjoy x about the relationship. I like y ... But I will not hear one more word about me exercising or lifting weights. Not one more word. Otherwise, I cannot be in this relationship. Asking "why would you say such a thing?" is losing the game before it starts. You're not confronting him with the directness that he needs to be confronted with. He'll simply answer, "I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry." ... Or, "I just thought you liked exercise. I didn't mean anything." And notice ... both of those likely responses don't get to the utter rudeness and meanness of what he said. And he's just saying "I wasn't thinking." Well he needs to think. You don't want to leave him with the impression that he just needs to cut his comments in half. No you want to make clear, you want ZERO reference to exercise and weights and all of that. Standing up to him is the only way YOU will feel secure in the relationship. 1
Author Insultedornot Posted April 28, 2020 Author Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) There’s another few things I should add. Recently after I took a shower he would come up to me and start brushing my hair even though I told him I could do so myself. He indicated that the back of my hair I had some knotS so he said I should let him brush it for me. This happened twice and I find it annoying. Another issue is the other day he put his finger on the side of my face like to feel something and there I had some marks in my skin but he didn’t say anything.He is definitely the kind of person that likes to do it his way and I mentioned to him his Waze not always the right way for all of us and I get the feeling that he feels like he needs to fix everything around him including me. He always mentions to me this is the right way to do it and this isn’t etc. I’m starting to wonder if he’s a control freak Edited April 28, 2020 by Insultedornot 1
smackie9 Posted April 29, 2020 Posted April 29, 2020 19 hours ago, Insultedornot said: There’s another few things I should add. Recently after I took a shower he would come up to me and start brushing my hair even though I told him I could do so myself. He indicated that the back of my hair I had some knotS so he said I should let him brush it for me. This happened twice and I find it annoying. Another issue is the other day he put his finger on the side of my face like to feel something and there I had some marks in my skin but he didn’t say anything.He is definitely the kind of person that likes to do it his way and I mentioned to him his Waze not always the right way for all of us and I get the feeling that he feels like he needs to fix everything around him including me. He always mentions to me this is the right way to do it and this isn’t etc. I’m starting to wonder if he’s a control freak Ya same here....my thoughts are on OCD. 1
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