Backinthesaddleagain Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 4 hours ago, Insultedornot said: I have been dating someone exclusively for nine months. He is in very good physical condition even though he is well into his 60s. I’m in my early 60s and I’ve always struggled with my weight. Although Im still in the normal range I do fluctuate 10 to 15 pounds which makes a difference. He is always stressed me exercising more and he is a rather athletic person. I enjoy walking and some light exercises but I’m not the kind of person to go to the gym. I have been trying to lose weight for several months and I’ve gone up and down maybe 8 pounds. Because of the quarantining I’ve been working from home and probably eating a bit more than normal. So I might’ve put back a few pounds. This morning he said something to me. He said in the middle of us having sex that I could use more exercise. It just came up out of the blue. Even though I know that’s true and I know that he wants me to be healthy but I’ll never be the skinny person and I felt like saying to him he’s looking for someone really thin I’m not the right one. I know he loves me and I do love him but really needs to be talked to like that? I believe he was somewhat hurt about an incident that happened yesterday and it doesn’t really matter what it is it was just something that he I think was rather slighted about concerning one of my family members. Even if that’s the case I don’t think this statement was appropriate. Does anyone have any thoughts? Did you make a comment back to him? I would have whispered something in his ear like "well maybe while I lose some weight, you can look into penis enlargement. The sex isn't good for me either" That should do the trick. Anyone who has the nerve to say something like that during sex is at the very least an idiot, or at most a narcissist/sociopath. The only thing coming out of his mouth should be moaning and groaning. 3 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 14 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Did you make a comment back to him? I would have whispered something in his ear like "well maybe while I lose some weight, you can look into penis enlargement. The sex isn't good for me either" That should do the trick. Ouch.. so cold! I love it! OP, it sounds like this guy can't hide how much he loathes you right now. He is a nasty .... and I would be concerned that this behavior will escalate. It might be a good idea to figure out what your deal breakers are for what you will and won't put up with, then follow through as you see fit. You teach people how to treat you, so if this is unacceptable to you, don't tolerate it. Personally I would have immediately kicked his butt to the curb. No excuse. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 You're in your 60s, which means you have wisdom, insight and intuition a lot of younger women haven't gathered yet. Use it! You know this man is trash. 4
Miss Spider Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) Are you asking if a guy telling you are too fat during sex is ok or not Edited April 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 This isn't about timing ... you NEVER tell your lover that they need to exercise more. OP, next time nip this in the bud. This guy was pushing you to exercise before this. Cut this off! ... Either he accepts you or he doesn't. Period! ... You can't let someone insult you like that. Kick him out. Really you should have chased his behind out of the house. 1
Author Insultedornot Posted April 27, 2020 Author Posted April 27, 2020 Thank you for feedback. It’s weird because he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am a lot.
poppyfields Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 27 minutes ago, Insultedornot said: Thank you for feedback. It’s weird because he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am a lot. I take that to mean you're gonna stay with him? Will you at least address it? No judgment, you do you. Just wondering what you're planning to do. Good luck whatever you decide. 1
Author Insultedornot Posted April 28, 2020 Author Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) I definitely will address and soon. It’s really bothering me. I’ll approach the topic calmly but just ask why he would say such a thing especially at that time. That it was inconsiderate and hurtful. Not the first time he’s mentioned my weight (last week he looked at one of my arms and told me I should lift weights to tighten up) and unless he sees me getting really big and unhealthy it is what it is and he should accept it or not. If not, we should part ways. Edited April 28, 2020 by Insultedornot 3
healing light Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 If you were in your 20s with low self-esteem auditioning as a runway model, it might be expected that you'd put up with this BS. To say this to a grown ass woman who is likely post-menopausal during sex is ludicrous and deplorable. It's almost laughable it's that bad. He's had 60+ years to learn some manners and common sense. Dealbreaker. Next! 1
simpycurious Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: This isn't about timing ... you NEVER tell your lover that they need to exercise more. OP, next time nip this in the bud. This guy was pushing you to exercise before this. Cut this off! ... Either he accepts you or he doesn't. Period! ... You can't let someone insult you like that. Kick him out. Really you should have chased his behind out of the house. The whole idea that a guy would say something LIKE THAT is almost CRAZY to even think about. Who does idiotic things like that? 1
kamani Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 OP, I have a bit different perspective than others. I would forget your age. You seem to really like this man and he has told that you are beautiful. No doubt what he told you during sex is mean and I would not tolerate it. But you said you two had some sort of confrontation on the previous day and he felt hurt. May be he was wrong to feel hurt and you were right, or the other way round. We don't know the context. May be he was still angry in mind and finding a way to hurt you back and chose this moment. Some people don't have emotional intelligence and would say anything that just come to their mouth. There are partners who excuse this sort of mean comments and don't take them seriously, or they have been used to live with that. Specially women. It depends if you can tolerate it or not. Not matured for his age though.
introverted1 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 18 hours ago, Insultedornot said: I believe he was somewhat hurt about an incident that happened yesterday and it doesn’t really matter what it is it was just something that he I think was rather slighted about concerning one of my family members. Even if that’s the case I don’t think this statement was appropriate. Context, please. What was the "incident that happened yesterday"? 2
FMW Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 Doesn't really matter what the incident was. If he was hurt he should have dealt with that directly, not found something unrelated (I assume?) to belittle her over. And even if it was somehow related, a mature adult would have confronted her on that issue, not passive aggressively got pay back by making her feel bad about her weight. Two wrongs don't make a right. And who wants to be with someone who handles his own hurt that way? 1
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 11 hours ago, Insultedornot said: I definitely will address and soon. It’s really bothering me. I’ll approach the topic calmly but just ask why he would say such a thing especially at that time. That it was inconsiderate and hurtful. Not the first time he’s mentioned my weight (last week he looked at one of my arms and told me I should lift weights to tighten up) and unless he sees me getting really big and unhealthy it is what it is and he should accept it or not. If not, we should part ways. It's about more then your weight. There is some kind of resentment under here, as evidenced by his Mother's Day comment. You need to get to the bottom of this. What he's doing is wrong. 1
stillafool Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 12 hours ago, Insultedornot said: Not the first time he’s mentioned my weight (last week he looked at one of my arms and told me I should lift weights to tighten up) and unless he sees me getting really big and unhealthy it is what it is and he should accept it or not. If not, we should part ways. Nor will this be the last time unless you slam him into his place and let him know it will not be tolerated. The time to say something is right when it happens so he knows exactly what you are referring to. 1
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 30 minutes ago, stillafool said: Nor will this be the last time unless you slam him into his place and let him know it will not be tolerated. The time to say something is right when it happens so he knows exactly what you are referring to. Yes, but it may stop him saying it but it doesn't stop him thinking it, that is the problem. Who wants to be having sex with a man who thinks you are too fat/flabby, whether he says it or not? Then there is the under the breath comment. My guess and I could be wrong. He doesn't really like women. What is his relationship history like? 1
poppyfields Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yes, but it may stop him saying it but it doesn't stop him thinking it, that is the problem. Who wants to be having sex with a man who thinks you are too fat/flabby, whether he says it or not? elaine, you took the words right off my screen, I was just about to post the same thing! For me, I'd rather know the truth about what he thinks and feels, no matter how much it stings; my issue is his timing when saying it!! And his delivery when saying it. The insensitivity. I believe there are underlying issues at play here too, deeper than him simply thinking you're too fat for his tastes. Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields 1
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 15 hours ago, Insultedornot said: Thank you for feedback. It’s weird because he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am a lot. It's very possible he separates the two things. Maybe he feels he is doing right by you, when telling you, you are not doing enough to keep in shape. You have to address these things right when they happen. Grow a backbone and just tell him to stop saying things like that because you find it hurtful, and it's not by any means helping you. It may take a few-10-20 times but he will get it. 1
SumGuy Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 15 hours ago, Insultedornot said: Thank you for feedback. It’s weird because he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am a lot. Makes me wonder if this is more him trying to be helpful and it coming up in the middle of sex is well, just when he noticed it and he has no filter. Not that it makes it any less hurtful, or a foolish thing to say. The other side...people who are disciplined and stay in shape are not necessarily judging when they say these things. They are trying to be helpful. From their point of view just put in a little work and it is all good. They don't get the struggle or self judging. It is a clueless thing to say, but not necessarily with ill intent. Regardless, the action itself is hurtful to most. So if you let him know how inappropriate it is how he responds is important. If all is good otherwise, and he shows he s attracted to you by his actions and other words I would not take it as an insult or that he is turned off by your body. If he is turned on or not is usually pretty self evident, especially for a 60+ year old man. If he is rising to the occasion he is turned on by you. Although yes taking it as an insult is reasonable. In short, yes this is clearly insensitive and a man his age should know better, but on the flip side in his head he may be thinking of it as a helpful/motivational thing as in his world if someone said that to him he'd just work out more and take it as an observation and not a judgement. Not sure what this Mother's Day and family thing is. That sounds more concerning in a way.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 41 minutes ago, poppyfields said: elaine, you took the words right off my screen, I was just about to post the same thing! For me, I'd rather know the truth about what he thinks and feels, no matter how much it stings; my issue is his timing when saying it!! And his delivery when saying it. The insensitivity. I believe there are underlying issues at play here too, deeper than him simply thinking you're too fat for his tastes. I agree with you and Elaine and if it were me he would never see me again. OP doesn't want to let him go so she needs to stand up to him the moment it happens and not just feel hurt and complain on a forum if she wants him to stop.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 12 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Makes me wonder if this is more him trying to be helpful and it coming up in the middle of sex is well, just when he noticed it and he has no filter. Exactly! This is why she needs to let him know that he is hurting her feelings. Whatever his reasons are OP doesn't like it and needs to speak up.
poppyfields Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 OP, can you share some of his more redeeming qualities, like you said he often calls you beautiful, in what context? Do you feel cherished and loved in this relationship? Does your relationship enhance your already fulfilling life? OR, do you feel your bf IS your life? And you're afraid of losing him? Forgive me if I'm wrong but the latter is what it seems like. If so, try and move away from that mindset. Your bf can sense that fear in you, and may even take advantage of it for his own self-serving purposes.
FMW Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 Well if he's trying to be helpful, I think I would probably choose to not have that help (or him) in my life. Sure, you can talk about it at the appropriate time and place. But if he's so clueless that he thinks it's ok to bring it up during sex, then that same cluelessness is bound to exhibit itself in other damaging ways. There is seriously no good excuse for that.
Cornholio12 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 He's a tasteless douche. Move on. Find someone that treats you with the respect you deserve or kick him out of the bed and tell him to go get bent.
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 16 hours ago, Insultedornot said: he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am a lot. Women are indeed suckers for ILYs and some will put up with all sorts from a guy who knows a well placed ILY will excuse his bad behaviour. "I know he hurt me deeply but it's all OK as I know he loves me..."
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