Insultedornot Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) I have been dating someone exclusively for nine months. He is in very good physical condition even though he is well into his 60s. I’m in my early 60s and I’ve always struggled with my weight. Although Im still in the normal range I do fluctuate 10 to 15 pounds which makes a difference. He is always stressed me exercising more and he is a rather athletic person. I enjoy walking and some light exercises but I’m not the kind of person to go to the gym. I have been trying to lose weight for several months and I’ve gone up and down maybe 8 pounds. Because of the quarantining I’ve been working from home and probably eating a bit more than normal. So I might’ve put back a few pounds. This morning he said something to me. He said in the middle of us having sex that I could use more exercise. It just came up out of the blue. Even though I know that’s true and I know that he wants me to be healthy but I’ll never be the skinny person and I felt like saying to him he’s looking for someone really thin I’m not the right one. I know he loves me and I do love him but really needs to be talked to like that? I believe he was somewhat hurt about an incident that happened yesterday and it doesn’t really matter what it is it was just something that he I think was rather slighted about concerning one of my family members. Even if that’s the case I don’t think this statement was appropriate. Does anyone have any thoughts? Edited April 27, 2020 by Insultedornot 1
ShyViolet Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Him making comments about you needing to lose weight or needing to exercise more (especially during sex!!) is incredibly rude and mean. You should say something to him about it, just let him know that you find it very rude and insulting when he makes comments about your physical appearance or weight, and not to do it again. If he continues to do it, you should end the relationship. Why would you be with someone who just makes you feel bad about yourself, and who is putting you down? 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Criticizing a woman's body in the middle of sex is extremely insensitive at best. I mean, if his goal is to make you feel like crap about yourself, he picked a good way to do it..... I'm sorry :(. 5
poppyfields Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Insultedornot said: He said in the middle of us having sex that I could use more exercise. CRINGE. Seriously, I literally cringed when reading that, imagining how you must have felt. During sex? The man's a dunce. I dunno, it was such an insensitive and stupid thing to say at that moment, might even be a dealbreaker for me. Granted, I can be too sensitive at times, but your significant other and your relationships should make you feel good, not like cr*p. I'm sorry too. Edited April 27, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 I'd be furious. Those kind of remarks chip away at the foundation of the relationship. When you calm down you have to address this with him. When you spell out your concerns you have to remain calm -- I mean ice cold & not rise to the bait of any garbage or defensiveness he throws at you. In something slightly louder than a steely whisper I'd announce to him that you would like to address his comments. Notice I didn't say talk. This is you talk, he listens. In an ideal world when you are finished, he apologizes & never does it again. My remarks would be along the following lines: The other morning while we were having sex you made an unflattering remark about my size & suggested that I needed exercise. You should never make disparaging comments about my size but to do so while we were having sex was callous. You hurt my feelings. I am well aware that my size fluctuates. You commenting about it is insensitive & mean. You hurt my feelings. You stop talking & glare at him expectantly. Done right this will elicit an apology. If it does not, I'd shut the whole thing down by stating "I'd rather be fat than an a**h***" & I'd walk away. Backed into a corner by painful remarks I do have tendency to come out swinging & pour incendiary gas on already volatile situations. Do understand the ramifications of my suggested escalation. If he apologizes, elicit from him a promise that he will never again make derogatory remarks or suggest that you exercise again. Then reward him for recognizing the error of his ways. If you continue to let him get away with this passive aggressive line of subtle insults you will end up with no self esteem. 2 1
Author Insultedornot Posted April 27, 2020 Author Posted April 27, 2020 I should add that when we were sitting down this morning and I saw an ad for a handbag that I liked and mentioned the ad was for Mother’s Day so I said aloud. I indicated that maybe my kids would buy it for me for the holiday. In about an hour later as he was getting his things and ready to leave I heard him say under his breath now it’s Mother’s Day.
FMW Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Wow. I'm pretty sure I would never feel comfortable having sex with him again. Maybe you should tell him THAT was the result of his comments, that it wasn't encouraging or motivational or any other B***S*** reasoning he might come up with. 4
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Just now, Insultedornot said: I should add that when we were sitting down this morning and I saw an ad for a handbag that I liked and mentioned the ad was for Mother’s Day so I said aloud. I indicated that maybe my kids would buy it for me for the holiday. In about an hour later as he was getting his things and ready to leave I heard him say under his breath now it’s Mother’s Day. Nope. Now you need to run. He is a jerk. He feels put upon by having sex with you. He thinks he can do better but you let him have sex & he's not going to turn down sex during a pandemic but unless he was genuinely shocked that it's the last week in April because keeping track of time has become tough, he actually thinks you are some sort of gold digger. He's just not a kind person. Next.
poppyfields Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: "I'd rather be fat than an a**h***" & I'd walk away. Knowing me, I'd just say this^. And walk away. From what I have learned about communicating with men, the men I've dated anyway, they don't respond well to 100 words telling them how they've "hurt your feelings," or being lectured which is how he is likely to interpret. They responded better to a short, direct statement, and then going no contact, allowing them the time to think about the consequences of their actions. Just my experience. Edited April 27, 2020 by poppyfields 2
poppyfields Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 19 minutes ago, Insultedornot said: I should add that when we were sitting down this morning and I saw an ad for a handbag that I liked and mentioned the ad was for Mother’s Day so I said aloud. I indicated that maybe my kids would buy it for me for the holiday. In about an hour later as he was getting his things and ready to leave I heard him say under his breath now it’s Mother’s Day. DEALBREAKER. 1
LynneVicious Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Op, it’s only been 9 months and he’s showing you who he is. Believe him. 2
FMW Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 23 minutes ago, Insultedornot said: I heard him say under his breath now it’s Mother’s Day. Oh good grief. Are there just a ton of great and positive things about him that keep you with him? What you've shared here sounds pretty crappy. 1
stillafool Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 43 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Criticizing a woman's body in the middle of sex is extremely insensitive at best. I mean, if his goal is to make you feel like crap about yourself, he picked a good way to do it..... I'm sorry :(. Not just a woman but saying that to a man during sex would be extremely insensitive. Yes OP you should tell him he hurt your feelings and you will never be model thin. 1
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Insultedornot said: I believe he was somewhat hurt about an incident that happened yesterday and it doesn’t really matter what it is it was just something that he I think was rather slighted about concerning one of my family members. It does matter though. He was seemingly "hurt" enough to lash out at you twice. 2
stillafool Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 29 minutes ago, Insultedornot said: In about an hour later as he was getting his things and ready to leave I heard him say under his breath now it’s Mother’s Day. Damn, I have to admit I said the same thing yesterday meaning now I have to buy cards and gifts for my bio mom, new step mom and one other lady. I kinda get sick of all these holidays that put me in touch with my relatives. 1
preraph Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 I think bashing someone body during sex is a darn good way to keep the person from ever wanting to have sex with him again, that's what I think. At 60, no one really has much justification for demanding perfection. I'm 67 and I'd rather have no one than someone who thought that was okay. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 OP, what other problems have you two had during this relationship? Bringing up your weight during sex is incredibly cruel, and muttering under his breath about Mother's Day is yet another jab at you. My guess is that this is not the first time you've seen this sort of rude and insensitive behaviour from him. What's the backstory with this guy? 3 1
simpycurious Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 This dude is a TOOL. Yes, in all CAPS. I don't get these guys body shaming women when MOST of them have pretty SKETCH bodies themselves. What's the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." This guy more than likely has self-esteem issues and projects this to others. TOOL 1 1
smackie9 Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) He doesn't care about you, he cares only about himself and his opinions. You are making excuses for his rudeness :he loves me, he worries about my health,...no he does not. He expects any women he dates to look and be a certain way...this isn't heart and soul stuff. He's arrogant. He's a narcissist. He's a jerk and I don't know why you even bother. Edited April 27, 2020 by smackie9 7
hippychick3 Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) What a terribly cruel thing to say to you during sex! That and his under the breath comment would make me strongly reconsider this relationship. I also have definitely gained weight during quarantine...probably 7-8 lbs I'm now trying to lose. The last thing I want or expect is for someone to point that out to me. So when I complain that I feel fat, my fiance knows he is to respond "no, you're not fat." I don't care if he's not being honest about that. He knows it would hurt my feelings so would never tell me I need to lose weight. He has also gained some weight during quarantine and tells me how fat he feels. He wants also for me to tell him he 's not fat. If I don't say anything, he will ask me again so I can reassure him he's not. So essentially, we lie to each other because we love each other. Edited April 27, 2020 by hippychick3 4
poppyfields Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) OP, he's NOT the only man in the world, plenty of other fish in the sea. My aunt is in her 60's and she met a man on a dating web site, they're getting married later this year. There are lots of other sites for 50+ as well. Dump this tool, immediately. Do not be afraid to be alone which is why imo women remain with jerks like him. Edited April 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed web site
preraph Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 18 minutes ago, hippychick3 said: What a terribly cruel thing to say to you during sex! That and his under the breath comment would make me strongly reconsider this relationship. I also have definitely gained weight during quarantine...probably 7-8 lbs I'm now trying to lose. The last thing I want or expect is for someone to point that out to me. So when I complain that I feel fat, my fiance knows he is to respond "no, you're not fat." I don't care if he's not being honest about that. He knows it would hurt my feelings so would never tell me I need to lose weight. He has also gained some weight during quarantine and tells me how fat he feels. He wants also for me to tell him he 's not fat. If I don't say anything, he will ask me again so I can reassure him he's not. So essentially, we lie to each other because we love each other. Now, THAT is true love!!
ccas93 Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) Yeah I think it all depends on the context and how bad you need to hear it. I don't care how bad you actually do need to lose weight or become healthier, calling them out during sex with an offhand comment is incredibly douchy. you naturally holding onto a bit more weight while maintaining good lifestyle habits (from what it sounds like) is NO ground for him to be calling you out. However, I've met some people that were doing legitimate damage to their bodies with their dietary/exercise habits (or lack thereof) and heading for major health issues down the road. To not be honest with them about it would be doing them a disservice, and make me a bad friend/lover/etc. Edited April 27, 2020 by ccas93
kendahke Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Timing and empathy aren't his strong suit, are they? For him to pick saying that in the middle of you two having sex means that his esteem for you borders on the contempt. Has he ever made similar comments to you before quarantine? Does he usually crack on out of shape people, women in particular? Is he a vindictive person? 1 1
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