Can a guy be too into you?

[HANK1]

On 4/27/2020 at 7:15 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Maybe ideally, but most people want more from their partner than just showing high interest in them. You operating on a fallacy and are saying basically what Niceguys say. "If I am nice to someone they should like me" No. Really do you like (romantically) everyone who is nice to you? Of course not. That's just the minimum, that a partner is supportive etc. I can tell from some of your responses in your thread that you were most likely "too much"and probably too invested, operating on this same belief that the more thought and investment you put into her and the relationship, the more attractive partner you become

What gives you the feeling I was "too much" and too invested?  Need to learn so I don't go and ruin a good relationship again

14 hours ago, MaleIntuition said:

Ignoring the obvious (eg your ex is more into girls than men). She also displayed juvenile and immature behaviour. Some might call that a “s*** test”. While I personally don’t like such lingo, they might have a point in this case.

She clearly overstepped what I would assume to be most peoples boundaries. You could have either responded by not caring at all, or you could have much more clearly enforced your boundaries. 

Instead you took the weak victim role (= my feelings are hurt (indirectly; you are responsible for my feelings)). This was just one event, but I’m guessing there might be more. 

I think you dodged a bullet anyway. 

Well I don't know if she's more into girls than guys.  She's only had relationships with guys.  She messed around with girls in college and finds them attractive yea.

How should I have handled it?  I told her I didn't appreciate it and I felt like I was lied to and didn't like that either.  What would be the best way?  Or was it something ridiculous to get annoyed about in the first place?

Doesn't feel like I dodged a bullet.  Feels like I got this awesome chick and ruined it all...

[Yosemite]

OP, can you answer a question for me, I’m just curious, I’m guessing that your parents are together and have a good marriage? Just wondering, did your parents meet in college or did they meet when your dad was 30-ish yrs old?

I’ve said this a couple of times in this thread, but I hope you really consider that you didn’t ruin anything. I think it’s natural to try to figure out where we went wrong when things don’t turn out the way we want…but sometimes there really isn’t anything in ourselves to improve; sometimes things just don’t work. It may feel kind of comforting to believe that you messed up in some way because your thought process is that if you just eliminate XYZ behavior, you won’t ever find yourself dumped again. And you’re right that probably 99% of the time (not just in romantic relationships) we can learn from our past mistakes, grow and mature, and get a better outcome the next time. But there are exceptions to every rule and I think that this relationship is one of the exceptions. 

I was reluctant to say this before, but I think that from her perspective you kind of committed 3 “party fouls.” The 2 guys you confronted at the bar and getting upset about the comments she made about the attractive woman. She might have thought that the two of you just didn’t gel from a party perspective, she just wants to have fun…and you caused issues on 3 different nights out. I didn’t want to say that because I don’t think that you were wrong in your actions…when something bothers you, you have to be able to speak to your SO about it and many women would want you to confront those two guys in that type of situation. 

You have to consider that she could’ve been exaggerating to the group about the number of women that she’s been with to keep the joke going. It sounds like everyone was laughing and joking around and she was trying to be funny. She may not have wanted to admit to you that she lied to the group because she was just trying to be funny or look cool…This goes back to being able to read her signals; it really sounds like you weren’t very good at that. If she was just joking, she wanted you to just know that, she didn’t want to have to explain her sense of humor to you.

It doesn’t ring true to me that she really was seriously divulging to this group of people, on the sidewalk, outside the restaurant, when everyone’s tipsy and cracking jokes and laughing, the actual real number of female sexual partners she’s had when she wanted to keep the real number a secret from you. That doesn’t sound realistic at all. Honestly, I think she may never have had a same-sex experience, that’s why she can’t keep track if it was 1 woman or 4 women because it never happened in the first place. Women in their 20’s are practically required to have had a same-sex experience and many may just say that they’ve done it because they know that most men find it hot. There’s a chance that that’s what happened here and she didn’t want to admit to you that none of it was true.

Edited April 30, 2020 by Yosemite

[MaleIntuition]

4 hours ago, HANK1 said:

What gives you the feeling I was "too much" and too invested?  Need to learn so I don't go and ruin a good relationship again

Well I don't know if she's more into girls than guys.  She's only had relationships with guys.  She messed around with girls in college and finds them attractive yea.

How should I have handled it?  I told her I didn't appreciate it and I felt like I was lied to and didn't like that either.  What would be the best way?  Or was it something ridiculous to get annoyed about in the first place?

Doesn't feel like I dodged a bullet.  Feels like I got this awesome chick and ruined it all...

Awesome girls don’t openly disrespect you in front of your friends. That’s just bad manners. Unless she is stupid, she should know that it’s not okey to ogle and daydream about others in front of your partner... It’s not ridiculous.

Honestly there are no good way to handle this. Sounds like an emotional drama queen. Her type probably responds better to anger and yelling... When you forgive and forget, you communicated that she could treat you like crap - and you would love her all the same. 

 

[HANK1]

4 hours ago, Yosemite said:

OP, can you answer a question for me, I’m just curious, I’m guessing that your parents are together and have a good marriage? Just wondering, did your parents meet in college or did they meet when your dad was 30-ish yrs old?

I’ve said this a couple of times in this thread, but I hope you really consider that you didn’t ruin anything. I think it’s natural to try to figure out where we went wrong when things don’t turn out the way we want…but sometimes there really isn’t anything in ourselves to improve; sometimes things just don’t work. It may feel kind of comforting to believe that you messed up in some way because your thought process is that if you just eliminate XYZ behavior, you won’t ever find yourself dumped again. And you’re right that probably 99% of the time (not just in romantic relationships) we can learn from our past mistakes, grow and mature, and get a better outcome the next time. But there are exceptions to every rule and I think that this relationship is one of the exceptions. 

I was reluctant to say this before, but I think that from her perspective you kind of committed 3 “party fouls.” The 2 guys you confronted at the bar and getting upset about the comments she made about the attractive woman. She might have thought that the two of you just didn’t gel from a party perspective, she just wants to have fun…and you caused issues on 3 different nights out. I didn’t want to say that because I don’t think that you were wrong in your actions…when something bothers you, you have to be able to speak to your SO about it and many women would want you to confront those two guys in that type of situation. 

You have to consider that she could’ve been exaggerating to the group about the number of women that she’s been with to keep the joke going. It sounds like everyone was laughing and joking around and she was trying to be funny. She may not have wanted to admit to you that she lied to the group because she was just trying to be funny or look cool…This goes back to being able to read her signals; it really sounds like you weren’t very good at that. If she was just joking, she wanted you to just know that, she didn’t want to have to explain her sense of humor to you.

It doesn’t ring true to me that she really was seriously divulging to this group of people, on the sidewalk, outside the restaurant, when everyone’s tipsy and cracking jokes and laughing, the actual real number of female sexual partners she’s had when she wanted to keep the real number a secret from you. That doesn’t sound realistic at all. Honestly, I think she may never have had a same-sex experience, that’s why she can’t keep track if it was 1 woman or 4 women because it never happened in the first place. Women in their 20’s are practically required to have had a same-sex experience and many may just say that they’ve done it because they know that most men find it hot. There’s a chance that that’s what happened here and she didn’t want to admit to you that none of it was true.

My parents are actually divorced.  They met in their 20s.  Had me when my mom was 26 and my father was 28.  Divorced when I was 11. Father is happily remarried.  Mom also remarried.

Not that it really matters for the purposes of this talk, or maybe it does, maybe it changes your perception and advice/take/whatever but she absolutely was not joking.  She had fooled around with what she told me was one girl in college that was a lesbian.  They had a few experiences together.  We had a whole talk about it, she showed me pictures of the girl, told me what happened, etc.  She wasn't joking about the hot girl we were all talking about either.  Which I didn't even care.  If she was attracted she was attracted, it was a part of her I totally accepted.  A bunch of us were saying yea she was really hot, guys and girls, and she said it too, but a little more enthusiastically then the other girls, which is why one of them asked her.  What bothered me was she told this group of people she had been with 3 or 4 girls after I thought we already kind of covered that topic and then the cherry on top was her telling this group of people whatever it was about rather be with a girl, I forget the wording exactly.

When I confronted her about the whole thing, she confirmed it was 4 and that she just didn't' tell yet and she didn't see it as lying.  I said it sort of felt like she did, but fine, it still wasn't ok for her to be telling a group of people we just met that she'd rather be with a girl in front of my face.

But yea, maybe it was the party fouls.  I asked her when she broke up with me if it was the little arguments we had had and she said no that those are healthy.  Not sure why she would lie about that, but now it also feels like I can't necessarily trust anything she said right?  If a few days before breaking up with me she's telling me how much she loves me and talking about a few events we wanted to do together over the next 3 months and telling me she wasn't going to hurt me and was ready to communicate, but then just breaks up with me out of nowhere, how true could any of her words be right?

4 hours ago, MaleIntuition said:

Awesome girls don’t openly disrespect you in front of your friends. That’s just bad manners. Unless she is stupid, she should know that it’s not okey to ogle and daydream about others in front of your partner... It’s not ridiculous.

Honestly there are no good way to handle this. Sounds like an emotional drama queen. Her type probably responds better to anger and yelling... When you forgive and forget, you communicated that she could treat you like crap - and you would love her all the same. 

 

I honestly wouldn't have cared if she just said omg yea she's so f***ing hot.  She thinks women are very attractive, I was cool with it.  The group, guys and girls, were all saying that she was hot/beautiful/etc.  It was telling this group that she had been with 3 or 4 girls before when we had talked about her lesbian experiences and she only mentioned one and made it seem like it was only one, I felt like she hid the whole truth from me.  She saw it as she just didn't tell me YET.  And I didn't like that she told this group of people, a handful of which we just met recently, that she'd rather be with a girl or whatever it was.

Well I confronted her about it but what am I supposed to do after?  Hold a grudge/pout about i/something like that?  That feels like what a woman would do?  I figured, I confronted her, came to an understanding, and move on is best.  Guess I'm wrong though

[MaleIntuition]

You could have confronted her more directly. “Your behaviour today was unacceptable”. Must be willing to walk away if she continually overstep your boundaries. 

[Yosemite]

6 hours ago, HANK1 said:

My parents are actually divorced.  They met in their 20s.  Had me when my mom was 26 and my father was 28.  Divorced when I was 11. Father is happily remarried.  Mom also remarried.

Ok thanks. I have this theory that we tend to mimic our parents, so if our parents got married young, we get married young etc but it seems like it's totally wrong in your case.

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When I confronted her about the whole thing, she confirmed it was 4 and that she just didn't' tell yet and she didn't see it as lying. 

If she wasn't joking at all and really has been with 4 women, I think that you have to consider that she might not be straight. She might not be willing to admit it to herself or maybe she was raised super religious or maybe she didn't want to deal with her parent's reaction? Idk, but she was minimizing the actual number of female partners she's had for a reason. Only she knows what that reason is, but that's not a good sign because she lied to you and it was something she felt that she needed to lie about...in other words she had something to hide.

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  I asked her when she broke up with me if it was the little arguments we had had and she said no that those are healthy.

How many small arguments did you have? Was it one or twice a week? Sometimes men consider these types of arguments to be no big deal when they are a very big deal to the women. Frequent arguments, even if they were about small things, could be the reason she broke up with you.

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Not sure why she would lie about that, but now it also feels like I can't necessarily trust anything she said right?  

You can't necessarily believe what anyone says when they break up with you because their goal is to leave the relationship without hurting your feelings. Add on the fact that she lied to you about something pretty significant before (her #of female partners) and it's less likely that she told you the true real reason why she wanted to break up with you.

It's not that you can't believe anything that she said, it's that you can't really believe a lot of what she said around the time that she broke up with you. So, she said that the argument two days before you broke up wasn't a big deal...there's a strong possibility that it was a big deal.

She said that she felt contained, if you were constantly having small arguments over things that she did, that could be why she felt contained.

Edited April 30, 2020 by Yosemite

[preraph]

People tend to either mimic their parents in some ways or rebel against them.  I did the latter.  It depends on generations too.  I'm 67, so my mom grew up in the middle of nowhere, literally, a beautiful nowhere, but no one around but her huge family of 13 siblines.  Each of the women married the first chance they got to move out and away from and then divorced shortly after.  And then married again and that seemed to stick.  

 

I didn't marry at all.  I ran from the lifestyle of marriage.  I was too much of a free spirit for it, and that was thanks in large part to my mom letting me have a lot of autonomy. 

[HANK1]

52 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

Ok thanks. I have this theory that we tend to mimic our parents, so if our parents got married young, we get married young etc but it seems like it's totally wrong in your case.

If she wasn't joking at all and really has been with 4 women, I think that you have to consider that she might not be straight. She might not be willing to admit it to herself or maybe she was raised super religious or maybe she didn't want to deal with her parent's reaction? Idk, but she was minimizing the actual number of female partners she's had for a reason. Only she knows what that reason is, but that's not a good sign because she lied to you and it was something she felt that she needed to lie about...in other words she had something to hide.

How many small arguments did you have? Was it one or twice a week? Sometimes men consider these types of arguments to be no big deal when they are a very big deal to the women. Frequent arguments, even if they were about small things, could be the reason she broke up with you.

You can't necessarily believe what anyone says when they break up with you because their goal is to leave the relationship without hurting your feelings. Add on the fact that she lied to you about something pretty significant before (her #of female partners) and it's less likely that she told you the true real reason why she wanted to break up with you.

It's not that you can't believe anything that she said, it's that you can't really believe a lot of what she said around the time that she broke up with you. So, she said that the argument two days before you broke up wasn't a big deal...there's a strong possibility that it was a big deal.

She said that she felt contained, if you were constantly having small arguments over things that she did, that could be why she felt contained.

I definitely think she’s a little bi-sexual but prefers men.  Had no problem with that as I’ve said.  I guess I question myself if I was right to be frustrated that she, what I considered, lied to me or maybe she was right and she just didn’t necessarily tell me yet as in you don’t have to tell somebody everything all at once and I totally overreacted?

it definitely wasn’t every week or anything like that but maybe a handful of very little confrontations, not sure the best word to use. We were usually drunk and it was probably stupid.  The biggest one that I’d consider a real argument was a month before the one I mentioned before, we were hanging out after partying all day and she’s laying on my chest and I see this family friend who she had a recent sexual experience with (6 months prior) messaging her things like “I want to play” with a winky face and she sent him some hearts back.  I knew they were very close family friends but it triggered me and I said something.  Her immediate reaction was she said nothing happened between them then quickly took it back and said sorry I’m really caught off guard we hooked up but he’s one of my oldest and closest family friends.  And I just said I shouldn’t have to deal with this, and you just lied to my face and left.  The next day we talked about it and I thought we had a good conversation and put it behind us.  I said maybe I overreacted and should have heard you out first and she apologized for saying nothing happened at first that she was just so caught off guard.  She apparently held onto it a couple of more days and when I brought it up she said she was just really caught off guard and was processing things internally.  I said I’d like her to talk to me rather than bottling things up but whatever she wanted to do.  She didn’t say anything to me about it again just apologized for what happened and for holding onto it, said she loved me for me and was letting it go.
 

I would have thought IF it were these little dumb arguments that were getting to her she would have said something.  Something like “hey I love you but these little stupid fights were having are really getting to me, we need to figure this out” or something like that.  Or is that asking too much and not realistic?  
 

just trying to learn and understand.  Really very heartbroken over this.

i thought there is no way in hell 2 people can meet, and immediately both feel this same connection.  After continuing to hang out both feel that connection was real, both be having such good times together, both feel soo comfortable together, both express being so happy together.  And based on the things she was saying to me I’m thinking this girl is just as in love with me and crazy about me as I am her. I just thought that if 2 people were feeling such similar things (and by all means everything she was expressing until those last days were of everything mentioned above) that it could be wrong.  At the very least so easy to discard.  I know you say dating and relationships are different and I’m not arguing there but I’ve dated a lot and had my share of flings and just never felt what I felt for her and never had a girl act as crazy about me as my ex did.  So I’m sitting there thinking damn we have something pretty rare and special.  Just didn’t think it could be so wrong so quickly.  Also thought, based on her previous relationships, and her free spirit personality, she took commitment and love seriously.  So she made me feel very secure by committing to me and eventually telling me she loved me.  I figured there was no way in hell I’d just be blindsided.

Edited April 30, 2020 by HANK1

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, HANK1 said:

...we were hanging out after partying all day and she’s laying on my chest and I see this family friend who she had a recent sexual experience with (6 months prior) messaging her things like “I want to play” with a winky face and she sent him some hearts back.  ...  And I just said I shouldn’t have to deal with this, and you just lied to my face and left.  

I disagree she necessarily lied to your face, she mispoke in the moment is more like it.

However, her responding to such comment with hearts, over the line for me...like right there in front of you face she is sexually flirting with an old lover.  It doesn't make it any better he is an old friend or ti was one-time.  Seriously, that is sexual flirting.  Now if you two are not exclusive it is permissible in my book, just rude to do it in front of you.  Lastly let me get judgmental , "I want to play" winky is pretty sleazy in my book, 100% an are you DTF line.  

You should count yourself lucky it is over.
 

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i thought there is no way in hell 2 people can meet, and immediately both feel this same connection.  After continuing to hang out both feel that connection was real, both be having such good times together, both feel soo comfortable together, both express being so happy together. 

Won't go on with the rest but you knew each other only a few months, it is likely a good portion of what you loved about each other was based on your image of each other and loving the good times more than the person. 

It also may all have been real in the moment for her, but that it quickly wears off, some need the new shiny, some are fickle in that little normal things create big changes in their feelings (often goes hand in hand with new shiny mentality).   It likely is she was honest and believed every thing she said to you in the moment.  So she wasn't lying to but she could well have been lying to herself.  But more likely her truth is a truth in the moment.   

 It may well be she wants a non-exclusive open relationship (at least for her no matter what she says) and what you are reacting to is just that.  What you've shared as problems would not be problems if this was just a FWB relationship...though I believe it is consider crass to text one FWB while laying next to another...there is some decorum and rules.

 

Sure she may have loved being with you, love the feelings she had with you, but she doesn't love you.   That's a hard thing at any age to separate loving being with someone and loving them.  They are not the same thing.  In your cases you loved the relationship, loved being with her and maybe even loved the her you thought she was.

 

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So I’m sitting there thinking damn we have something pretty rare and special.  Just didn’t think it could be so wrong so quickly. 

  Well you did at the time, and yes things can go wrong very quickly when ones behavior needs to be more consistent than a night out here and there.   

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Also thought, based on her previous relationships, and her free spirit personality, she took commitment and love seriously.  So she made me feel very secure by committing to me and eventually telling me she loved me.  I figured there was no way in hell I’d just be blindsided.

In my view, she lied to herself, you and/or has no idea what love really means...it is more than a i love being with you.

 

Edited May 1, 2020 by SumGuy

[Yosemite]

9 hours ago, HANK1 said:

The biggest one that I’d consider a real argument was a month before the one I mentioned before, we were hanging out after partying all day and she’s laying on my chest and I see this family friend who she had a recent sexual experience with (6 months prior) messaging her things like “I want to play” with a winky face and she sent him some hearts back.

This is is a major red flag. She was flirting while in a relationship with you, tried to lie her way out of it, backtracked because she realized that her lie didn't make sense because you saw the text...you had every right to be upset about it.
 

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And I just said I shouldn’t have to deal with this, and you just lied to my face and left.  The next day we talked about it and I thought we had a good conversation and put it behind us. 

This is the correct reaction. (Leaving was a little bit excessive, but it depends on how the argument went.) If you truly weren't bothered by it after you talked the next day, then you did the right thing.

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I said maybe I overreacted and should have heard you out first and she apologized for saying nothing happened at first that she was just so caught off guard.

I don't agree with this. You absolutely didn't overreact unless you started screaming in her face or something like that. You 100% were right to be upset and question it and you shouldn't have doubted that point. You asked someone else what you were too nice about and this is an example. Doubting that you shouldn't be OK with her getting texts like that is a too nice/doormat-ish mentality
 

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She apparently held onto it a couple of more days and when I brought it up she said she was just really caught off guard and was processing things internally. 

This part is confusing, did you bring it up again because you didn't really put it behind you or did she bring it up? Did you bring it up because you could tell she was off...not her usual self?

The fact that she was off shows that it wasn't a small argument to her...so I don't think that you should classify it as that. It pokes a hole in your narrative that everything was perfect and you have no clue why she would dump you. Arguments like this are a very real reason why you broke up especially when you've only been together 4 months. (Not saying this argument was your fault)
 

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I definitely think she’s a little bi-sexual but prefers men.  Had no problem with that as I’ve said.  I guess I question myself if I was right to be frustrated that she, what I considered, lied to me or maybe she was right and she just didn’t necessarily tell me yet as in you don’t have to tell somebody everything all at once and I totally overreacted?

This is another example of you being doormat-ish. No, you don't have to tell everything at once, but she straight up lied. She said one girl when it was actually 4. If she didn't want to talk about it yet, then just don't talk about it, don't make up a fake number. You wondering if maybe you were wrong is doormat thinking.

I don't think you actually are a doormat or too nice, but I think that you're questioning obvious stuff because you've never been in a long term relationship before. When you're dating around, you let things slide because it's only temporary, why make a fuss, there are no emotions, the sex is good and she'll be gone in a month or two anyway. In a long term relationship these types of things matter and you can't let them slide. Dating around has gotten you in the habit of letting things slide that you shouldn't.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Yosemite

[Yosemite]

11 hours ago, HANK1 said:

I would have thought IF it were these little dumb arguments that were getting to her she would have said something.  Something like “hey I love you but these little stupid fights were having are really getting to me, we need to figure this out” or something like that.  Or is that asking too much and not realistic?  

This isn't asking too much and it's a very realistic expectation to have... but she chose not to do that. There are a million possible reasons why she didn't and you could drive yourself crazy trying to rule out each one.

All that matters is that she didn't want to continue the relationship and she didn't want to work on it either. I know that that part doesn't make sense to you, but the fact that she didn't want to put any effort into working through any issues just means that the relationship wasn't that important to her, or she doesn't communicate the same way you do, or she actually is gay and wanted to leave for that reason, or she's not ready to settle down...it could be anything. I know that you're having a hard time trying to reconcile that with her telling you how crazy she was about you and how much she loved you, but whatever her reasons are you're probably not ever going to know what they are. You're probably not going to ever know why she changed her mind or why she chose not to work on it with you. I know that that's tough, but that's how it is with her.

I know that I said this before, but the next woman you fall in love with, will make the effort to talk about anything that's bothering her and will try to work on the relationship before she bails...how do I know that? Because you're going to make sure that the next girl is a good communicator before you give her your heart. This is so important to you that I really don't see you not making sure that the next girl is a really good communicator and wants a long term relationship before you fall in love.

[HANK1]

 

4 hours ago, Yosemite said:

This is is a major red flag. She was flirting while in a relationship with you, tried to lie her way out of it, backtracked because she realized that her lie didn't make sense because you saw the text...you had every right to be upset about it.
 

This is the correct reaction. (Leaving was a little bit excessive, but it depends on how the argument went.) If you truly weren't bothered by it after you talked the next day, then you did the right thing.

I don't agree with this. You absolutely didn't overreact unless you started screaming in her face or something like that. You 100% were right to be upset and question it and you shouldn't have doubted that point. You asked someone else what you were too nice about and this is an example. Doubting that you shouldn't be OK with her getting texts like that is a too nice/doormat-ish mentality
 

This part is confusing, did you bring it up again because you didn't really put it behind you or did she bring it up? Did you bring it up because you could tell she was off...not her usual self?

The fact that she was off shows that it wasn't a small argument to her...so I don't think that you should classify it as that. It pokes a hole in your narrative that everything was perfect and you have no clue why she would dump you. Arguments like this are a very real reason why you broke up especially when you've only been together 4 months. (Not saying this argument was your fault)
 

This is another example of you being doormat-ish. No, you don't have to tell everything at once, but she straight up lied. She said one girl when it was actually 4. If she didn't want to talk about it yet, then just don't talk about it, don't make up a fake number. You wondering if maybe you were wrong is doormat thinking.

I don't think you actually are a doormat or too nice, but I think that you're questioning obvious stuff because you've never been in a long term relationship before. When you're dating around, you let things slide because it's only temporary, why make a fuss, there are no emotions, the sex is good and she'll be gone in a month or two anyway. In a long term relationship these types of things matter and you can't let them slide. Dating around has gotten you in the habit of letting things slide that you shouldn't.

Well she said she wasn't flirting, that' she's known this guy all her life, she just sent a couple of hearts back and that was it.  Which was true so I thought maybe I overreacted.  And no I definitely did not yell.  I doubt(ed) myself because that was the only conversation, so nothing too crazy or incriminating, and it is true she's known the guy all her life and he lives in another country so it's not like they were carrying on something, so I thought I don't really know their relationship, and it's not like she responded with anything sexual.

She didn't bring it up but I could tell she was off so I asked her and she said she was just really thrown off and she's processing certain internal things but that she was letting go of it.  I just said I don't want to rehash this and fight but if there's anything you want to talk about it I want to do that because I don't want things to get messed up over things unspoken. 

But I'm not saying this was a tiny argument, this was a real fight.  I don't think it was a huge one, but it was definitely one that resulted in multiple talks, her clearly acting weird about it for a couple of days.  Certainly didn't think it was big enough to cause a break up though.  I mean plenty of couples have fights WAY bigger than this was and stay together.

 

3 hours ago, Yosemite said:

This isn't asking too much and it's a very realistic expectation to have... but she chose not to do that. There are a million possible reasons why she didn't and you could drive yourself crazy trying to rule out each one.

All that matters is that she didn't want to continue the relationship and she didn't want to work on it either. I know that that part doesn't make sense to you, but the fact that she didn't want to put any effort into working through any issues just means that the relationship wasn't that important to her, or she doesn't communicate the same way you do, or she actually is gay and wanted to leave for that reason, or she's not ready to settle down...it could be anything. I know that you're having a hard time trying to reconcile that with her telling you how crazy she was about you and how much she loved you, but whatever her reasons are you're probably not ever going to know what they are. You're probably not going to ever know why she changed her mind or why she chose not to work on it with you. I know that that's tough, but that's how it is with her.

I know that I said this before, but the next woman you fall in love with, will make the effort to talk about anything that's bothering her and will try to work on the relationship before she bails...how do I know that? Because you're going to make sure that the next girl is a good communicator before you give her your heart. This is so important to you that I really don't see you not making sure that the next girl is a really good communicator and wants a long term relationship before you fall in love.

How are you supposed to know if somebody is good communicator?

This girl had a few relationships previously, that lead me to believe she must have learned how to communicate within a relationship and how to maintain a relationship.  When we started up I even said let's not make this real if you're not ready, if you're not ready to communicate with me.  Of course she told me she was ready.

To be honest this experience has really messed me up and I'm not sure I will try for another relationship.  Why should I invest my time, energy, emotions, heart into somebody when they can just up and leave like this?  I thought this girl was SOOO in love with me.  We talked about going to concerts, festivals, potential travel destinations, birthdays, all these things in the coming months.  She mentioned getting a dog together a few times.  Everything was adding up to this girl being as committed and in love as you could want a girl to be and she just flipped a switch and left.  How am I supposed to trust somebody like that again?  How am I even supposed to trust my own judgement of somebody and what is going on in a relationship.

 

[Yosemite]

6 hours ago, HANK1 said:

Everything was adding up to this girl being as committed and in love as you could want a girl to be and she just flipped a switch and left.  How am I supposed to trust somebody like that again?  How am I even supposed to trust my own judgement of somebody and what is going on in a relationship.

I think that the first thing you can do is stop repeating that she flipped a switch and left. You’ve said several times that it didn’t actually happen that way. 

Two days before the break-up you had the argument about the attractive woman and she was a little bit cold after that. You argued about the flirty text from the guy friend and she was cold for a couple of days after that. She didn’t like that you confronted those guys at the bar and you didn’t realize it until after she spoke to you about it. You had small arguments on a regular basis. And that’s only what you posted, I’m sure that there are more examples if you posted every single thing that happened in the relationship. So, it wasn’t like a switch, it was a slow accumulation of events/feelings that made her decide that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. You knew that these things were happening, but you didn’t assign the same importance to them that she did…because you two aren’t a good match. That’s not her fault and it’s not your fault; you’re just not compatible.

How do you trust someone else? You realize that people, including women, are individuals. What one person does is not necessarily what another person would do. She broke up with you, but another woman in the exact same situation wouldn’t. Look at your wording, “trust someone like that again.” Basically, what you’re saying is that you’re going to hold a grudge against all hot, fun, 26 yrs olds because your ex dumped you. How would you feel if you found out that the reason your ex dumped you is because in the past she dated a 30 yr old and he dumped her, so she dumped you because all 30 yr old guys are the same? If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to others.

You have to give yourself time to heal. The break-up is really fresh right now, time heals all wounds. Just try to focus on your friends, hobbies, career and you’ll find that the pain will diminish slowly and once this pandemic is over, you just may meet someone new who you want to get to know better.

I think that what will help you would be to date with intention. What you’ve been doing is hooking with girls and if it’s fun, you keep calling, keep having sex, keep spending time together until it peters out. When you do that, you kind of get what you get. Or you hang out as friends and if you end up bed, then you just keep sleeping together until it fizzles out.

If you were to keep an eye out for women that you find attractive (physically and personality-wise) to ask on dates (not hanging out) and then get to know her as you date her, you’ll find that you’ll pay more attention to who she is as person. If her communication style is similar to yours, if she doesn’t react to disagreements the same way that you do, if she’s flirting with other guys while she’s dating you, if she’s borderline gay. You’ll pay more attention to all those types of things because you’ll be evaluating if this is someone you want to trust your heart with. When you hook up with friends, you don’t really assign a lot meaning to that stuff because you don’t plan to get involved or for it to have any meaning beyond sex.

[Hopeful30]

That depends on how much I like him.

If I really like him, no such thing as too into me. If I'm not that attracted to him, then yes, it gets annoying fast. 

Edited May 17, 2020 by Hopeful30

[Juha]

 

Honestly this girl does not sound all that great of a gf to be honest.  

 

She seems like she is all over the place emotionally, does not know herself, does not know what she wants and is immature.

She is in party, hook up mode, not relationship mode.  Unfortunately you got caught up in her wake.

You said she is friends with all her ex's and was still sleeping with one of them right up until you were with her?

That is a giant red flag to be honest.  I would not waste anymore time wondering what happened to be honest.

 

Move on from this and count yourself lucky you dodged this bullet, she did you a favor..

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 4/26/2020 at 8:48 AM, HANK1 said:

When you're seeing a guy for a couple of months and you get the feeling he's really really into you does that affect the way you feel about him?

Does it turn you off to realize he's really into you? What if you feel like he's more into you then you're into him at the time?

What kind of things make you realize this or feel this way?

Not if I want him.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh, sorry. Realizing after a few months he was more into me...honestly, that didn't really happen after I was an adult. That was more of a teenage thing. I very quickly seemed to be able to tell when it was a mismatch that way.

It wouldn't have been a turn off per se. I was already either turned on or turned off.