Can a guy be too into you?

[kendahke]

23 hours ago, HANK1 said:

When you're seeing a guy for a couple of months and you get the feeling he's really really into you does that affect the way you feel about him?

are you talking literally two months or around 4-6 months?

if it's early on, then you're both still sussing each other out and coming on strong has a tendency to put the other off--you come across as desperate and that's not an attractive quality.  It also demonstrates a lack mentality--that you want to pounce on this person you've decided you get along with to prevent them from "getting away".  That doesn't inspire cooperation if the other person is feeling smothered, especially early on in dealings.

After about 4-6 months, you've each had plenty of time to suss each other out and if by then, feelings are not mutually reciprocated, then this is a lost cause and no amount of being an emotional octopus is going to help you.

[lurker74]

@HANK1, this is the age-old question...can you turn off a woman (or a man) by being too available, emotionally and otherwise? The short answer is, of course. There is a biological explanation...many species, and most would argue this includes humans, exhibit counter-intuitive behavior when it comes to natural selection. Our DNA has programmed us for millions of years to do what we need to pass on our genes (eat sugar, have sex, maybe raise children). But the have sex part is extremely complex, more than average complexity when it comes to humans. Perhaps an example is in order.

In pea fowl (peacocks and pea hens), the male of the species exhibit extremely colorful, large plumage in order to attract a mate. From a stand point of natural selection, this is ludicrous. Those feathers require substantially more nutrition to produce and also attract predators from very far away. It doesn't make sense to have that kind of penalty when you are a peacock, except that it does. What the peacock is saying is, even with this ridiculous plumage, I am able to survive. So I am so strong that you should choose me because if I can survive with this penalty, our progeny will obviously have what they need to survive. And so the peacock gets busy.

Think we're not peacocks? Then why do so many men buy sports cars, dress flashy, buy expensive engagement rings, and take risks? As interestingly, why do woman of a certain age sometimes flock to such men? Because they are saying, even in this crazy world, I can drive an M-5, dress in Hugo Boss, wear too much cologne, and get bottle service, so you, ladies, should get with me because even with all of these penalties, I am surviving and thriving. 

Now, what does that have to do with you? Because often times, when a man chases a woman, he is signaling that he cannot withstand a penalty and the INSTINCT of the woman is to assume he is not the best choice. The same percentage of women grow out of this behavior and the percentage of men that stop peacocking, but pay attention and you will see it happen all over, perhaps even in certain White Houses.

So follow this rule: pursue but do not chase. 

I have painted with a very wide brush so let me paint a bit more with it. Generally, speaking, women like to be pursued. They like to feel attractive and able to garner the interest of someone. But also generally speaking, they do not like to be chased. Being entirely available early on signals to their DNA that they need to find a peacock with better plumage. And before people get upset, no, I do not think this applies to every man or woman out there, just generally. 

[poppyfields]

Good post lurker, I just learned something new! 

Agree about pursuing versus chasing.

Think of chasing as,  a woman who is "running away" from you, and you chase her trying to catch her.

Don't do it.  When a woman is running away from you, there is a reason, if you chase her, she will run further away from you!

Pursue her, slowly, gradually, organically. She should be pursuing you too imo.

Perhaps not as much and in different ways but ideally, the pursuit should be reciprocal.

Edited April 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[HANK1]

7 hours ago, MaleIntuition said:

You planning 98% is a problem. Sounds like a very big imbalance. It’s likely that your pace was too fast.

She was the one pushing the pace.  Introducing me to her family, friends, co-workers, asking for exclusivity and labels.

i was simply planning thoughtful dates and things for us to do.  We also did things she wanted to do, but I definitely took the lead in that area more often.

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Maybe because those other relationships were distant enough that they didn't cause her anxiety.

People can be anxious-avoidant in one relationship but not another, it all depends on where your head is at the time, how much space you need, and how much space your partner is comfortable giving you. 

For some reason, "you" and your relationship caused her anxiety, she felt suffocated, so she bolted. 

Her previous relationships didn't, at least not for a while, after some time, it's possible they did and that's why they ended.

It's curious that after her last long term relationship ended, she hasn't been able to sustain another one.

Only short term, casual. 

Think about it.

 

Not sure - she remains friends or friendly with her exes.  Her last ex they’re very very close and she said the last few months they stopped sleeping together and were just best friends.  Doesn’t seem like something that would be traumatizing?

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

are you talking literally two months or around 4-6 months?

if it's early on, then you're both still sussing each other out and coming on strong has a tendency to put the other off--you come across as desperate and that's not an attractive quality.  It also demonstrates a lack mentality--that you want to pounce on this person you've decided you get along with to prevent them from "getting away".  That doesn't inspire cooperation if the other person is feeling smothered, especially early on in dealings.

After about 4-6 months, you've each had plenty of time to suss each other out and if by then, feelings are not mutually reciprocated, then this is a lost cause and no amount of being an emotional octopus is going to help you.

Nope sorry I meant a few months not literally two.

I guess I could understand what you’re saying if we weren’t having fun together, if she weren’t still expressing such high interest/affection/love, if we were arguing and all things of this nature.

it was all I love you, I miss you, I had the best weekend with you, let’s do this, etc

why say all those things, Do all the things that go along with that if you’re SO miserable you need to end things with somebody?

2 hours ago, lurker74 said:

@HANK1, this is the age-old question...can you turn off a woman (or a man) by being too available, emotionally and otherwise? The short answer is, of course. There is a biological explanation...many species, and most would argue this includes humans, exhibit counter-intuitive behavior when it comes to natural selection. Our DNA has programmed us for millions of years to do what we need to pass on our genes (eat sugar, have sex, maybe raise children). But the have sex part is extremely complex, more than average complexity when it comes to humans. Perhaps an example is in order.

In pea fowl (peacocks and pea hens), the male of the species exhibit extremely colorful, large plumage in order to attract a mate. From a stand point of natural selection, this is ludicrous. Those feathers require substantially more nutrition to produce and also attract predators from very far away. It doesn't make sense to have that kind of penalty when you are a peacock, except that it does. What the peacock is saying is, even with this ridiculous plumage, I am able to survive. So I am so strong that you should choose me because if I can survive with this penalty, our progeny will obviously have what they need to survive. And so the peacock gets busy.

Think we're not peacocks? Then why do so many men buy sports cars, dress flashy, buy expensive engagement rings, and take risks? As interestingly, why do woman of a certain age sometimes flock to such men? Because they are saying, even in this crazy world, I can drive an M-5, dress in Hugo Boss, wear too much cologne, and get bottle service, so you, ladies, should get with me because even with all of these penalties, I am surviving and thriving. 

Now, what does that have to do with you? Because often times, when a man chases a woman, he is signaling that he cannot withstand a penalty and the INSTINCT of the woman is to assume he is not the best choice. The same percentage of women grow out of this behavior and the percentage of men that stop peacocking, but pay attention and you will see it happen all over, perhaps even in certain White Houses.

So follow this rule: pursue but do not chase. 

I have painted with a very wide brush so let me paint a bit more with it. Generally, speaking, women like to be pursued. They like to feel attractive and able to garner the interest of someone. But also generally speaking, they do not like to be chased. Being entirely available early on signals to their DNA that they need to find a peacock with better plumage. And before people get upset, no, I do not think this applies to every man or woman out there, just generally. 

 

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Good post lurker, I just learned something new! 

Agree about pursuing versus chasing.

Think of chasing as,  a woman who is "running away" from you, and you chase her trying to catch her.

Don't do it.  When a woman is running away from you, there is a reason, if you chase her, she will run further away from you!

Pursue her, slowly, gradually, organically. She should be pursuing you too imo.

Perhaps not as much and in different ways but ideally, the pursuit should be reciprocal.

I don’t think I was chasing her as she was my girlfriend.

was I putting in effort to make her happy and enjoy our time together?  Yea definitely.

maybe I tried too hard?

its just all so confusing when somebody looks at you like that, says all those things, acts like they couldn’t be happier and then just rip it all away out of nowhere.

leaves you with a feeling like this could really really work if they had just communicated.

and what the hell could have been SO wrong when all she was saying with her words were positive and the way she was acting was like she was so in love, doing such fun things together, having great vulnerable conversations, all good relationship things are happening it’s like what the hellllll could possible be SO wrong??

[kendahke]

1 minute ago, HANK1 said:

Nope sorry I meant a few months not literally two.

I guess I could understand what you’re saying if we weren’t having fun together, if she weren’t still expressing such high interest/affection/love, if we were arguing and all things of this nature.

it was all I love you, I miss you, I had the best weekend with you, let’s do this, etc

why say all those things, Do all the things that go along with that if you’re SO miserable you need to end things with somebody?

But was she in fact miserable? Or did she feel you weren't moving fast enough for her taste.

It does seem fickle to demonstrate all of that only to turn around and vaporize on you.

[preraph]

Maybe it made her feel awkward or guilty because she didn't feel like reciprocating to that level and yet of course didn't want to hurt feelings.  Sorry it's made you confused and sad.  

[Yosemite]

14 minutes ago, HANK1 said:

its just all so confusing when somebody looks at you like that, says all those things, acts like they couldn’t be happier and then just rip it all away out of nowhere.

leaves you with a feeling like this could really really work if they had just communicated.

and what the hell could have been SO wrong when all she was saying with her words were positive and the way she was acting was like she was so in love, doing such fun things together, having great vulnerable conversations, all good relationship things are happening it’s like what the hellllll could possible be SO wrong??

Maybe she left because you couldn't read her signals. Maybe she thought that it was obvious that she wasn't happy in the relationship, that something was off, but you didn't notice. Just because she wasn't sobbing every moment doesn't mean that she was happy in the relationship.

An example is the first guy you confronted at the bar...she didn't like that you did that, but she didn't say anything until you did it the second time. She expected you to read her face and body language after the first time to know that she wasn't happy with your behavior, when you didn't, she had to explain it to you. Maybe she wants someone who just gets her who she doesn't have to explain as many things to. 

[poppyfields]

Like I said, when someone (woman or man) comes on at lightening speed the way this girl did, and then suddenly without warning, without provocation, abruptly ends things, either she is incredibly fickle and immature or she has some avoidant attachment issues.

It's just not "normal" to do a sudden 180, usually there is some warning.

A slight pull back, slow to respond to texts, busier than usual.  Something to let you know she's had a change of heart. 

Not one day she's madly in love, the next day she's out, which is typical of anxious-avoidants.

 

 

Edited April 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[HANK1]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

But was she in fact miserable? Or did she feel you weren't moving fast enough for her taste.

It does seem fickle to demonstrate all of that only to turn around and vaporize on you.

I mean she didn’t say she was miserable but I’d imagine you have to be pretty miserable to end a relationship?

 

if anything, based on what she said, she felt I was falling in love with her faster than she was with me.  Which frustrates and confuses me since as I’ve said, she was the one that initiated all of the “next steps” in the relationship.  I would reciprocate.  Maybe I expressed my love for her a bit more but I know I was never over the top with anything.  She made me feel safe in the relationship so sending her a text from across the room saying I love you didn’t seem so crazy especially when she’s sending me a love poem in the middle of the night.  It’s just all been VERY confusing and truly hurtful.

i waited a long long time to commit to somebody, to tell them I love them.  I meet this awesome girl, who based on her past seems like she is good long term material.  She acts like and says everything a guy could want to hear and have a gf do. Extremely limited negative experiences. Many positive.  It just all ends.  very tough

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Maybe it made her feel awkward or guilty because she didn't feel like reciprocating to that level and yet of course didn't want to hurt feelings.  Sorry it's made you confused and sad.  

See above.  
 

felt like we were such a good match.  So many similarities and thought our differences could really teach other things and bring balance to each other.

1 hour ago, Yosemite said:

Maybe she left because you couldn't read her signals. Maybe she thought that it was obvious that she wasn't happy in the relationship, that something was off, but you didn't notice. Just because she wasn't sobbing every moment doesn't mean that she was happy in the relationship.

An example is the first guy you confronted at the bar...she didn't like that you did that, but she didn't say anything until you did it the second time. She expected you to read her face and body language after the first time to know that she wasn't happy with your behavior, when you didn't, she had to explain it to you. Maybe she wants someone who just gets her who she doesn't have to explain as many things to. 

I understand what you’re saying but we’re not mind readers here.  Communication is key.  And if that were the case, you don’t communicate like babe this realllyy bothered me and you didn’t even notice.  I mean something!?

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Like I said, when someone (woman or man) comes on at lightening speed the way this girl did, and then suddenly without warning, without provocation, abruptly ends things, either she is incredibly fickle and immature or she has some avoidant attachment issues.

It's just not "normal" to do a sudden 180, usually there is some warning.

A slight pull back, slow to respond to texts, busier than usual.  Something to let you know she's had a change of heart. 

Not one day she's madly in love, the next day she's out, which is typical of anxious-avoidants.

 

 

I mean I think it’s pretty wild too.  But again, she’s had long relationships in the past so it’s almost like proof she’s normal?

and to be completely fair for the 2 days prior to dumping me I could tell something was off.  I asked her she said everything was fine.  I didn’t want to push. But before those 2 days as I’ve said, it was all love and happiness coming from her.

Not sure if that changes your thoughts or not but thought I’d include the detail 

[preraph]

What happened two or three days before she dumped you?  

[Backinthesaddleagain]

On 4/26/2020 at 8:48 AM, HANK1 said:

When you're seeing a guy for a couple of months and you get the feeling he's really really into you does that affect the way you feel about him?

Does it turn you off to realize he's really into you? What if you feel like he's more into you then you're into him at the time?

What kind of things make you realize this or feel this way?

If you are already feeling this way it's time to move on. Successful relationships don't start off like this. 

[ThorntonMelon]

So lets go the totally logical route here.

You really like/love/desire/care about her. She doesn't feel the same in return.

You did your best. It doesn't sound like you did anything other than try very hard to treat her well. Ultimately that didn't lead to a connection.

I don't think the second guessing is healthy. It's normal, it's human, but ultimately she isn't your person. And the only part that stinks is for a while you thought she was. 

I wouldn't change anything. Be yourself, because when you find the real deal you're going to want it to be all about the real person you are. 

I'm sorry it will hurt for a while. We've all been there. 

[poppyfields]

No her having LTRs in the past isn't proof of anything. 

You have no idea what the dynamics of those relationships were.

Why don't you research it?  Attachment styles, it's interesting!  Learn what style you are.

There is tons of info out there.  Learn about it.

I'm not saying she for sure is an anxious avoidant, but it's a possibility.

But for some reason, you seem dead set against even the idea of it, not sure why.

I'm thinking the intensity to which you're reacting to her rejection may be precisely why she dumped you - your intensity, your inability to let things roll off.   No offense but you sound a bit rigid, inflexible, stubborn (sorry).  She may prefer someone lighter, less intense. 

I dunno, who knows?  Does it even matter why?  She changed her mind.  It happens, it's not uncommon.  Feelings can change on a dime in early stages. If you're gonna succeed in dating, you need to be able to roll it off.

Reflect back, introspect, learn from mistakes. 

We weren't there so it's impossible for us to know what went sour. 

All we know, and you know, is that for whatever reason, she didn't feel you were the right fit for her.

Another woman will.  Go find her! 

Edited April 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Yosemite]

53 minutes ago, HANK1 said:

I understand what you’re saying but we’re not mind readers here.  Communication is key.  And if that were the case, you don’t communicate like babe this realllyy bothered me and you didn’t even notice.  I mean something!?

She's not required to do anything. You think that she should've communicated that she wasn't happy about XYZ, she doesn't agree...she's not wrong and you're not wrong. All it means is that you two weren't right for each other, you weren't compatible with each other.

It's a first relationship error. You thought that all you needed was someone hot and fun...you would open your heart to her and she would open her heart to you, you would each give your best, and everything else would kind of work itself out. Now you know, communication styles matter. You'll look for someone who communicates the way that you prefer in your next relationship.

i waited a long long time to commit to somebody, to tell them I love them.  I meet this awesome girl, who based on her past seems like she is good long term material.  She acts like and says everything a guy could want to hear and have a gf do. Extremely limited negative experiences. Many positive.  It just all ends.  very tough

It's your first heartbreak, but you have to be realistic. Is it really realistic that you would find everlasting love the very first time you tried? Is it realistic that the very first time you put your heart out there, you would hit a home run? Yeah, it's possible, but 99% of people go through at least one or two real relationships where they put everything in it (including their heart) before they find the one. And even then, divorce happens all the time. I know it hurts that you really tried and everything seemed ideal, but we all get our hearts broken even when it seems like the perfect scenario.

[HANK1]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

What happened two or three days before she dumped you?  

Nothing that crazy.  She did say something to a group of friends that I didn’t appreciate, maybe I was being a bit sensitive about it, but I let her know.  She didn’t agree with what I was saying.  I thought we quickly put it to bed.  After that though, we had a really fun night out together.  Everything seemed ok the next day as well.

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No her having LTRs in the past isn't proof of anything. 

You have no idea what the dynamics of those relationships were.

Why don't you research it?  Attachment styles, it's interesting!  Learn what style you are.

There is tons of info out there.  Learn about it.

I'm not saying she for sure is an anxious avoidant, but it's a possibility.

But for some reason, you seem dead set against even the idea of it, not sure why.

I'm thinking the intensity to which you're reacting to her rejection may be precisely why she dumped you - your intensity, your inability to let things roll off.   No offense but you sound a bit rigid, inflexible, stubborn (sorry).

Does it even matter why?  She changed her mind.  It happens, it's not uncommon.  Feelings can change on a dime in early stages. If you're gonna succeed in dating, you need to be able to roll it off.

Reflect back, introspect, learn from mistakes. 

We weren't there so it's impossible for us to know what went sour. 

All we know, and you know, is that for whatever reason, she didn't feel you were the right fit for her.

Another woman will.  Go find her! 

I will definitely look into it.

Not trying to be stubborn or anything, just confused.  Just expressing my observations.  I guess ultimately trying to come to an answer?

biggest source of confusion and hurt is the drastic and extremely quick change.  Leaves me with the feeling like things were great and could be if she’d just communicate - that make sense?

ultimately trying to understand what I can and learn

4 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

She's not required to do anything. You think that she should've communicated that she wasn't happy about XYZ, she doesn't agree...she's not wrong and you're not wrong. All it means is that you two weren't right for each other, you weren't compatible with each other.

It's a first relationship error. You thought that all you needed was someone hot and fun...you would open your heart to her and she would open her heart to you, you would each give your best, and everything else would kind of work itself out. Now you know, communication styles matter. You'll look for someone who communicates the way that you prefer in your next relationship.
 

It's your first heartbreak, but you have to be realistic. Is it really realistic that you would find everlasting love the very first time you tried? Is it realistic that the very first time you put your heart out there, you would hit a home run? Yeah, it's possible, but 99% of people go through at least one or two real relationships where they put everything in it (including their heart) before they find the one. And even then, divorce happens all the time. I know it hurts that you really tried and everything seemed ideal, but we all get our hearts broken even when it seems like the perfect scenario.

Well I thought after a lot of dating around, I learned some things.  And when she was having what seemed like the same reaction to me as I was to her, and we started really dating and everything seemed to be going so well based on her actions and words and I’m thinking wow I really feel the same way, we’re really on the same page, I expected this to last yea.  I expected at least some sort of effort (communication) to make it work if things weren’t.  I think that’s what I’m most hung up on.  Not even given the chance to work it out, make it work.  She professes how much she loves me, cares about me, is happy with me, etc. yet just ends it?

i didn’t think that’s all it would take.  I thought I found somebody who yes was very attractive very fun, we had a lot in common, good differences, had great chemistry and connection, had fun together.  I thought if I was good to her, supported her, kept things exciting, learned about her, showed interest in her interests, was thoughtful and caring, basically just be a good boyfriend, attempt to communicate, then yea it would work out.  I figured if things were so off it’d be rather apparent.  I thought if somebody is as into you as this girl was saying she was into me, there’d be communication and attempts at making it work before things just ended.
 

as much as it would still hurt to have been broken up with I think it’d be much easier to swallow if I could look back and say well we really tried.  We talked. I tried this. She tried that.  We just couldn’t make it work.

[preraph]

Well, maybe that was the turning point for her, when she began to have doubts, for whatever reason.  

[Emilie Jolie]

How fresh is this break-up, Hank? 

 

[Miss Spider]

22 minutes ago, HANK1 said:

 I thought if I was good to her, supported her, kept things exciting, learned about her, showed interest in her interests, was thoughtful and caring, basically just be a good boyfriend, attempt to communicate, then yea it would work out.  I figured if things were so off it’d be rather apparent.  I thought if somebody is as into you as this girl was saying she was into me, there’d be communication and attempts at making it work before things just ended.
 

as much as it would still hurt to have been broken up with I think it’d be much easier to swallow if I could look back and say well we really tried.  We talked. I tried this. She tried that.  We just couldn’t make it work.

Maybe ideally, but most people want more from their partner than just showing high interest in them. You operating on a fallacy and are saying basically what Niceguys say. "If I am nice to someone they should like me" No. Really do you like (romantically) everyone who is nice to you? Of course not. That's just the minimum, that a partner is supportive etc. I can tell from some of your responses in your thread that you were most likely "too much"and probably too invested, operating on this same belief that the more thought and investment you put into her and the relationship, the more attractive partner you become

Edited April 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

If you were bending over backwards to please her, I'm guessing it was clear to her the relationship was out of balance.  Don't invest more than the other person, overall.  Not sure that's what happened, but Cookies is right that you can't make someone want to keep you by acting like your idea of perfect.  There's other variables.  It may even have seemed unnatural to her.  But we really don't have enough into to know, so I sympathize that neither do you!  I usually just tell people not to bug the other person for closure.  Usually if they had been paying attention, they would already know what the issues were.  So just keep thinking about both what was talked about prior in the course of the relationship as well as what wasn't talked about but any tension you noted.  

[preraph]

Think especially about any matters you assumed you had worked through.  

[Yosemite]

49 minutes ago, HANK1 said:

Well I thought after a lot of dating around, I learned some things.

Dating around and long term relationships are two different things. I know you don't agree, but once you've done it, I'm betting you'll change your mind.

I thought if somebody is as into you as this girl was saying she was into me, there’d be communication and attempts at making it work before things just ended.
 

as much as it would still hurt to have been broken up with I think it’d be much easier to swallow if I could look back and say well we really tried.  We talked. I tried this. She tried that.  We just couldn’t make it work.

With someone else, you wouldn't be wrong to have those expectations, but in this case, it wasn't like that... all it means is that you weren't compatible with this girl. It's tough, but sometimes things don't turn out like we expect even when we scout out the situation beforehand. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault, it just didn't work.

Whatever you argued about two days before was probably the reason for the break up. After she said something that you didn't like, she may have thought that your reaction was over the top and unreasonable, or she didn't like your tone when you spoke to her about it. Maybe you seemed angry. Maybe she thought you were controlling or didn't get her sense of humor...without more details it's hard to guess. Not to raise your hopes, but you might have a chance to get back together with her if you figure this part out...but it's hard to say without knowing what you both said.

[Miss Spider]

Just to add : I had ex bfs say to me when we broke up for the same reason Imo."why didn't you show more signs you weren't happy?" He said he was "blindsided" because I broke "out of nowhere" and showed no signs of being discontent. It is similar to what you are saying. My thoughts are this: t was such a gradual process of my interest declining, I really didn't know until it was gone. Also, you have to consider you're not even sure what it is yourself sometimes, to point it out to the other person, until it's too late. Then to actually tell the person to back off in that way, without coming off cold or it being misinterpreted, knowing that they are just showing interest in you. Would it have even worked? Most likely not. Especially long-term. Because that was who he was and I don't think it would have been genuine. If he wants to change anything, be it an overeager or too attached personality or anything else, that needs to be his choice, possibly with long-term professional help. Otherwise, it would just be a desperate attempt to keep a partner around therefore self defeating 

 

So yes you  have to learn to read between the lines and even then sometimes you don't get the luxury of having those. It's sad, but true. I know you will move past this and meet someone right for you. x

Edited April 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[HANK1]

43 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Maybe ideally, but most people want more from their partner than just showing high interest in them. You operating on a fallacy and are saying basically what Niceguys say. "If I am nice to someone they should like me" No. Really do you like (romantically) everyone who is nice to you? Of course not. That's just the minimum, that a partner is supportive etc. I can tell from some of your responses in your thread that you were most likely "too much"and probably too invested, operating on this same belief that the more thought and investment you put into her and the relationship, the more attractive partner you become

I don't think that's how it works, I just didn't want to get into some long list of things.  I think it's all the compatibility, chemistry, commonalities, differences, ideas for future, communication, support, and then add in all the basic good partner stuff.

Trying to learn here so what gives you the feeling I was too much?

14 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

Dating around and long term relationships are two different things. I know you don't agree, but once you've done it, I'm betting you'll change your mind.
 

 

 

With someone else, you wouldn't be wrong to have those expectations, but in this case, it wasn't like that... all it means is that you weren't compatible with this girl. It's tough, but sometimes things don't turn out like we expect even when we scout out the situation beforehand. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault, it just didn't work.

 

Whatever you argued about two days before was probably the reason for the break up. After she said something that you didn't like, she may have thought that your reaction was over the top and unreasonable, or she didn't like your tone when you spoke to her about it. Maybe you seemed angry. Maybe she thought you were controlling or didn't get her sense of humor...without more details it's hard to guess. Not to raise your hopes, but you might have a chance to get back together with her if you figure this part out...but it's hard to say without knowing what you both said.

Well my ex had what I thought at that point was an experience(s) with one girl in college.  We had that talk, I was cool with it, didn't mind she finds women attractive, didn't mind she had that experience, was glad she felt like she could share that with me.  Then we were out with friends and some people we didn't really know and there was a very attractive woman near us and the group was commenting on it and my ex enthusiastically commented about how hot she was.  I guess her enthusiasm tipped off one of the people we didn't really know and they asked my ex if she's been with girls before and she casually said yea like 3 or 4 and then something along the lines of sometimes I'd rather be with a girl.  I was a little taken aback because I thought we had already covered that topic and she only told me it was 1 girl and I was a little offended she's telling people we just met she'd prefer to be with a women.  So when we got home I said how do you think it makes me feel when you're telling people we just met that you've been with more girls than you told me, it feels like you lied by omission when we had a whole talk about it already and you're telling them you'd rather be with a girl right in front of my face.  Maybe I over reacted a little, we had a few drinks in us, but it wasn't a big argument or anything, it ended with I just really value honesty and feel like you should have told me that when we discussed it and it didn't feel good to find out that way.  Also to be clear, she's never had a relationship with a female but she does find them attractive.

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Just to add : I had ex bfs say to me when we broke up for the same reason Imo."why didn't you show more signs you weren't happy?" He said he was "blindsided" because I broke "out of nowhere" and showed no signs of being discontent. It is similar to what you are saying. My thoughts are this: t was such a gradual process of my interest declining, I really didn't know until it was gone. Also, you have to consider you're not even sure what it is yourself sometimes, to point it out to the other person, until it's too late. Then to actually tell the person to back off in that way, without coming off cold or it being misinterpreted, knowing that they are just showing interest in you. Would it have even worked? Most likely not. Especially long-term. Because that was who he was and I don't think it would have been genuine. If he wants to change anything, be it an overeager or too attached personality or anything else, that needs to be his choice on his own, possibly with long-term professional help. It can't be just to keep a partner around. 

 

 You have to learn to read between the lines and even then sometimes you don't get the luxury of having those. It's sad, but true. I know you will move past this and meet someone right for you. x

Some good insight right here.  Doesn't make me feel better about any of it but I guess I can understand, somewhat, the lack of a conversation.

[Yosemite]

3 hours ago, HANK1 said:

Well my ex had what I thought at that point was an experience(s) with one girl in college.  We had that talk, I was cool with it, didn't mind she finds women attractive, didn't mind she had that experience, was glad she felt like she could share that with me.  Then we were out with friends and some people we didn't really know and there was a very attractive woman near us and the group was commenting on it and my ex enthusiastically commented about how hot she was.  I guess her enthusiasm tipped off one of the people we didn't really know and they asked my ex if she's been with girls before and she casually said yea like 3 or 4 and then something along the lines of sometimes I'd rather be with a girl.  I was a little taken aback because I thought we had already covered that topic and she only told me it was 1 girl and I was a little offended she's telling people we just met she'd prefer to be with a women.  So when we got home I said how do you think it makes me feel when you're telling people we just met that you've been with more girls than you told me, it feels like you lied by omission when we had a whole talk about it already and you're telling them you'd rather be with a girl right in front of my face.  Maybe I over reacted a little, we had a few drinks in us, but it wasn't a big argument or anything, it ended with I just really value honesty and feel like you should have told me that when we discussed it and it didn't feel good to find out that way.  Also to be clear, she's never had a relationship with a female but she does find them attractive.

I think that this was just the final straw for her. I'm not saying that you were wrong, I just think that this disagreement was the catalyst that made the incompatibility between you two impossible for her to ignore. 

[MaleIntuition]

Ignoring the obvious (eg your ex is more into girls than men). She also displayed juvenile and immature behaviour. Some might call that a “s*** test”. While I personally don’t like such lingo, they might have a point in this case.

She clearly overstepped what I would assume to be most peoples boundaries. You could have either responded by not caring at all, or you could have much more clearly enforced your boundaries. 

Instead you took the weak victim role (= my feelings are hurt (indirectly; you are responsible for my feelings)). This was just one event, but I’m guessing there might be more. 

I think you dodged a bullet anyway.