HANK1 Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 When you're seeing a guy for a couple of months and you get the feeling he's really really into you does that affect the way you feel about him? Does it turn you off to realize he's really into you? What if you feel like he's more into you then you're into him at the time? What kind of things make you realize this or feel this way?
elaine567 Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 if he is into a woman, and she is into him, it is bliss. If he is into a woman and she has little or no interest in him then it is a turn off. It is all about her interest, not about him showing his interest. If she is into him and he is all cool and aloof in order to hide his interest, she will soon lose interest unless she is desperate or damaged... 3
preraph Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 I don't know if there's a universal answer to that, but someone being too into you can be a turnoff. It's just too desperate and desperation isn't sexy. I had to break up with a guy because he followed me around like a puppy and I wasn't serious about him. Even if I had been, I wouldn't have liked that. 3
amaysngrace Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 If it’s a balance it’s great but if it’s too one-sided then not so much. It would grate on my nerves quick. 3
poppyfields Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 It would only affect my feelings if I weren't that into him in the first place. But then again, I wouldn't be dating him if I weren't into him, even though there are women who would. On the other hand, if I were truly him, like elaine said, pure bliss and I had that with one of my ex's. Unless his interest translated to over-eager, overly needy, white- knight or other such acts of desperation. That might reverse my high interest. Best to show interest, but try to find the right balance between showing too much and showing too little. 2
FMW Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 I agree with elaine. Her interest in him will determine how she responds to whatever level of interest he shows her.
simpycurious Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 4 minutes ago, FMW said: I agree with elaine. Her interest in him will determine how she responds to whatever level of interest he shows her. Agreed but not into you to the point that they cannot SEEMINGLY FUNCTION without you or that they are on you "like a cheap suit" (lady into a dude in that reference) and yes Cheap Suits are like that
smackie9 Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) OK Hank so I'm guessing you have had this happen. How do you know? When they become distant, pull back, give you short answers, don't engage as much, avoidance. There's no fighting it by pulling back yourself...once it starts, there's no stopping how they feel. It's like a seed that is planted and it starts to grow. IMO it simply means you are not compatible emotionally or otherwise. It's not "can a guy be too into you" it's more like "can she not be that into you" Edited April 26, 2020 by smackie9 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 YOU have little to no control over how the other person feels. YOU do have control over what you feel (normally). If you feel that the other guy has more interest in you than you do him, it's because you don't really fancy him that much. Not now at least. Timing is also an issue. Not everyone moves at the same pace for whatever reason. 1
Legatus Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: if he is into a woman, and she is into him, it is bliss. If he is into a woman and she has little or no interest in him then it is a turn off. It is all about her interest, not about him showing his interest. If she is into him and he is all cool and aloof in order to hide his interest, she will soon lose interest unless she is desperate or damaged... This is a great explanation. Your perception is the key here. If the energy is at the same level then you wouldn't mind and find something that other person could find too much, quite all right, or not even enough. If you start feeling frustrated that something is too much or not enough, to me it says that people are on different levels. It doesn't mean it won't work, but you have to be open and communicate it..
Miss Spider Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 IME, yes. A guy can go from being very attractive, cool-headed, and balanced to being too interested and available. Always sending too enthusiastic texts, there at your beck and call, bending over backwards for you. It sends the message that they are a bit desperate/ don't have much else going on, even if it's not true. It's not attractive. 1
preraph Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 I agree, Cookies. First of all, let me say that it seems instinctual in myself and some other women, judging by what I read on here, to have a negative reaction to it. I think it is instinct. And I think the instinct is sending red flags because it's an immoderate response, which does signal with imbalance in the relationship or just general unhealthy attachment. Admittedly it's a fine line. 1 1
Emilie Jolie Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, HANK1 said: What if you feel like he's more into you then you're into him at the time? It's a problem, unless you're given space to 'get there'. Personally, I didn't feel 'turned off', more like pressured to develop feelings or interest I needed more time to explore. It didn't result in me liking the guy less, it's just a very awkward position to be in. Edited April 26, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 2
Ellener Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 I wish! Seriously I think a lot of people don't really know what they want so a person being 'too into them' forces the commitment decision. If they were ready they'd be ecstatic not find it overwhelming/offputting. 2
lana-banana Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 If it's mutual, it's probably fine. But if your feelings are even slightly less strong than his then it just becomes overwhelming and high-pressure. I think there's a difference between heady infatuation, which is to some extent normal and a fun part of falling in love, versus a sense that somebody is obsessed with an image or an idea and counting on you to fulfill that idea. I guess it's the difference between "wow, I think I've met the one" (that's fine!) and "I know it's only been a month but let's move in together!" 1
preraph Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 Certainly if a person is acting that way in the early stages, they don't even know you, and are making an emotional irrational decision and getting carried away. Not that it doesn't happen a lot, but it takes some time to know someone enough to decide you really love them. So part of the reaction to the overkill is perfectly legit: He doesn't know me very well yet, so he's in love with someone he hopes I am or just wants to be in love and it hasn't much substance.
Mystery4u Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 When two people truly feel the same about each other, there's never 'too much' or 'too into'. When there is a difference in interest levels then it is possible to be 'too much'. My best relationships have been those where we have both shown our interest towards each other with no holding back, no games, wanting to communicate and spend as much time together as possible. 3
SumGuy Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) What is “too into”? It’s a matter of degree, there are certainly behaviors that are over the line for most, make sure you don’t have those from the perspective of a therapist not some dating advice site Then there are women where it is some fine line and they read “clingy” or “desperate” into exuberance and kindness. Just pass on these women, they are a waste of time in my experience for anything other than FWB...as anything over that level of intimacy freaks them out Also, don’t get back together with them if they change their mind, unless they are young and still figuring themselves and people out. At my age if a person doesn’t know what they got until it’s gone, it is a red flag level of lack of self awareness and understanding of others to me. Edited April 26, 2020 by SumGuy
Author HANK1 Posted April 26, 2020 Author Posted April 26, 2020 2 hours ago, preraph said: I don't know if there's a universal answer to that, but someone being too into you can be a turnoff. It's just too desperate and desperation isn't sexy. I had to break up with a guy because he followed me around like a puppy and I wasn't serious about him. Even if I had been, I wouldn't have liked that. Not looking for a universal answer, of course everybody is different but I think there will be a common sentiment and interested to see what comes out regardless. What did "following you around like a puppy" entail exactly? Did you say anything to him about it before cutting him loose? 2 hours ago, amaysngrace said: If it’s a balance it’s great but if it’s too one-sided then not so much. It would grate on my nerves quick. What would you feel like is too much? 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: It would only affect my feelings if I weren't that into him in the first place. But then again, I wouldn't be dating him if I weren't into him, even though there are women who would. On the other hand, if I were truly him, like elaine said, pure bliss and I had that with one of my ex's. Unless his interest translated to over-eager, overly needy, white- knight or other such acts of desperation. That might reverse my high interest. Best to show interest, but try to find the right balance between showing too much and showing too little. What type of actions/things in general would you classify as over-eager, overly needy, white-knight, desperate? 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: OK Hank so I'm guessing you have had this happen. How do you know? When they become distant, pull back, give you short answers, don't engage as much, avoidance. There's no fighting it by pulling back yourself...once it starts, there's no stopping how they feel. It's like a seed that is planted and it starts to grow. IMO it simply means you are not compatible emotionally or otherwise. It's not "can a guy be too into you" it's more like "can she not be that into you" you're real good smackie9! This did in fact happen to me and it's left me pretty damn confused and wanting to see if I really made mistakes or maybe this girl isn't exactly stable? When she ended things with me, she said that we were falling into the relationship at different rates. This was confusing because the entire time she was the one pushing the pace. Always telling me she can't stop thinking about me, she's falling so hard for me, being around me makes her so happy, that she often feels like a weirdo but around me feels so comfortable and it's so nice, always thanking me and telling me she had the best night or the best weekend with me, brought me to several family meals when they were in town visiting, often coming to see me even if we didn't have plans or inviting me to things she wanted to do, brought up things in the future (as far as 6 months out probably), wrote me a pretty intense poem I was definitely very into her and I let her know as well. I planned very thoughtful dates often, spent a lot of time with her, twice bought her little thoughtful gifts just because, would go to things she wanted to do, went out of my way a few times to help her out with something, told her things I was looking forward to doing with her, I can also be a pretty emotional guy and let my walls down and would let her know how I felt about her but never anything CRAZY, and I only felt comfortable even letting her know what I was feeling because of the things she was doing and saying. 1 hour ago, Legatus said: This is a great explanation. Your perception is the key here. If the energy is at the same level then you wouldn't mind and find something that other person could find too much, quite all right, or not even enough. If you start feeling frustrated that something is too much or not enough, to me it says that people are on different levels. It doesn't mean it won't work, but you have to be open and communicate it.. How do you communicate something like this? Whether you feel it's too much or too little? Without it throwing a wrench in the whole thing 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: IME, yes. A guy can go from being very attractive, cool-headed, and balanced to being too interested and available. Always sending too enthusiastic texts, there at your beck and call, bending over backwards for you. It sends the message that they are a bit desperate/ don't have much else going on, even if it's not true. It's not attractive. Whats the difference between a guy that really cares about you, is thoughtful, supportive, etc and a guy that is desperate and needy? What kind of things cross that line for you? 38 minutes ago, preraph said: I agree, Cookies. First of all, let me say that it seems instinctual in myself and some other women, judging by what I read on here, to have a negative reaction to it. I think it is instinct. And I think the instinct is sending red flags because it's an immoderate response, which does signal with imbalance in the relationship or just general unhealthy attachment. Admittedly it's a fine line. Same question to you that I wrote above. It seems like it'd be a really fine line? When does it go from, this guy is so good to me, so thoughtful, so caring, really there for me, have such a great time and connection with him, to, this is too much, he likes me way too much, he's desperate/needy/whatever?
Emilie Jolie Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 17 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: My best relationships have been those where we have both shown our interest towards each other with no holding back, no games, wanting to communicate and spend as much time together as possible. Agree, though I'll put a caveat on the 'as much as possible' part. For some of us, quality and quantity are 2 separate things, regardless of how into the other person you are.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 3 hours ago, HANK1 said: Can a guy be too into you? IF the guy is much hotter than you are, or has more money than you expected, and you realize either... then, generally, "NO" is the answer. For all other scenarios, the answer is "yes".
Malin889 Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 20 minutes ago, HANK1 said: When does it go from, this guy is so good to me, so thoughtful, so caring, really there for me, have such a great time and connection with him, to, this is too much, he likes me way too much, he's desperate/needy/whatever? It does sound like she was very into you, bringing you to family things, writing you a poem... My only guess is, it has nothing to do with you, but rather, she just stopped being into you. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason why people stop "feeling it", they just … do. Don't beat yourself up about it.
ThorntonMelon Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 Yes, you did nothing wrong there. Her feelings changed. It likely had nothing at all to do with you. I wouldn't let it affect you in the future. Keep being you. 1
littleblackheart Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 32 minutes ago, HANK1 said: When she ended things with me, she said that we were falling into the relationship at different rates Did she explicitly say it was because you liked her too much? This statement is a little ambiguous, she could have meant it the other way round? Also, how long was the relationship and how old are you both?
Miss Spider Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, HANK1 said: Whats the difference between a guy that really cares about you, is thoughtful, supportive, etc and a guy that is desperate and needy? What kind of things cross that line for you? I am going to assume you already know about the psycho guys who think you are the one after first couple dates, blowing up your phone, talking you're the one before they even know you etc. and give some examples I've experienced in relationships where it was a bit less obvious. Some examples that trigger my neediness senses are things like texting way too quickly/too much, never any mystery whatsoever, knowing they will do almost everything to keep me happy/keep our relationshipeven if it means stepping over their own boundaries, not doing anything that could 'rock the boat' too much, being clingy, wanting to see me all the time, rarely if ever saying "no" to me, this kinds of things. All my relationships, I think I've lost interest in the guy because of this. Edited April 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough
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