Physx Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 I met a woman months and months ago on a dating site. We have talked since, we are friends on Facebook, but it has been at least four months now and we STILL haven't met yet! I am VERY interested in this woman. I mean more interested than I ever have been in any other woman. She is the first woman I have ever come across that has literally every single one of the traits I like to see in a woman, and even MORE on top of it. But, she just refuses to "come out of her shell" as she puts it, and I know if I try to make her, it will just make it worse. She got burned REALLY bad by a narcissistic sociopath in the past. So, she is now extremely hesitant to meet anyone new. She has gone out on some casual coffee dates and things like that here and there since we've talked, which discourages me. But, she claims it has been situations where she just had a little bit of spare time and her and their availability worked out. Clearly, nothing ever came out of any of them. I'd have given up, but she seems to keep sticking around. Even while I was dating someone, she would just randomly send me links to information online that she knew I'd like. We have TONS of common interests and we both love to do research, so she knew if she liked it, I would. But, it was just this random stuff every few days or so, very little conversation (if any), and even now that I'm single again, conversation is fleeting. Sometimes she will reply, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes it is within a matter of minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days. Very flitty and unpredictable. There's a part of me that wants to meet her SO bad, but then another part that makes me feel she isn't very interested. I don't know, I can see it both ways. Like maybe, she has a strong interest like me and that scares her. Or, maybe she just likes the notion that someone is as interested in her as I am, and likes having that around as an "option." I have made it clear to her I'd like to meet her, but that I also feel it's probably never going to happen because of how she is. She pretty much reiterated that when she is ready to come out of her shell, she does. With it having been months now and her still doing that (but still going out on other dates), I feel like I'm just wasting my time. If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears. Never dealt with someone this timid before. I don't really feel like I can do much of anything other than just let her do things at her own pace. I am tempted to just ease back on the communication on my end to pace with hers. See if she misses it or starts to realize that what she is doing now isn't enough to maintain my interest. I don't know, I just feel like she either isn't ready for what her and I could have, or she just isn't that into me. I feel like even just one date would fix the issue, but I just can't seem to get her to do that. Not sure what else I can do here???
d0nnivain Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 First is it even safe for you to meet? Before the pandemic I'd say at 4 months no meeting, she's a time waster. Now, I may give her a bit more of the benefit of the doubt but I'm not super optimistic. She sounds like she enjoys the attention you give her but she's unwilling to go beyond that. You have built her up in your mind but the reality is since you have not met in person you don't even know her. You are "in love" with who you think she is, without knowing who she actually is. Stop. Get her off the pedestal & recognize her for the broken soul she is. She is not a good prospect for a LTR; she is too damaged. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 Move on. She told you in so many words that she is not ready. She is, therefore, not ready. If / when she sorts her head out, she knows where to find you. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.
Juha Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 I would suggest meeting for coffee or at the park or someplace open where you can meet and have space If she is not interested in at least that then I would not bother much with her, maybe just keep talking but you should be talking with other women. Keep her on the back burner since you are so interested and maybe she will come around but you need to be talking with other women She has told you she is damaged and not in a place to date.
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 (edited) Totally friend zoned. If she was really into you, there would be no excuses. Edited April 25, 2020 by smackie9 1
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 It doesn't really matter if she is "interested," for whatever the reason... she has had plenty of opportunities to meet you and she has chosen not to meet. In fact, if I'm reading correctly, she has chosen to meet other men during the time that you have been talking, but not you. You want to find a woman who is interested and excited to explore a real-life, in person, relationship with you. This is not your woman. I was a woman who was very shy and very untrusting when it came to meeting men online. I say this because, I would never have strung a man along for four months if I had no intention of meeting him because that's not a very fair thing to do to another person. This woman wants and internet friend, not a date. If you were to meet, one date is not likely to change the fact that she has some serious hangups about meeting men and/or relationships. 2
poppyfields Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Totally friend zoned. If she was really into you, there would be no excuses. Unless she's a catfish of some sort. OP, have you at least video chatted so you at least know her physical appearance is for real? W/r/t being the first woman you felt so intensely towards, did it occur to you that the reason for this is precisely "because" you haven't met? Mysteries can be quite intriguing and reality is never quite as exciting as fantasy. Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields
Erik30 Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 1 hour ago, Physx said: She has gone out on some casual coffee dates and things like that here and there since we've talked, which discourages me. Sorry but she's not interested. (Though she probably likes the attention) Sure she got burned really bad, but she didn't have any problems meeting up with other guys while she was talking to you... with them, "coming out of her shell" wasn't an issue at all... 3
Calmandfocused Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 My instincts are saying “Catfish”. The shyness she claims to have doesn’t quite ring true to me. She’s gone out on coffee dates with other guys, yes? She wasn’t too shy meeting these other guys was she? Why would she therefore be too shy to meet you after 4 months interaction? Doesn’t make sense does it? If you’ve never met / seen her there’s a reason for this op. She’s something to hide. Have you actually any proof that she is who you think she is? Something a bit fishy going on here in my view Op.
Author Physx Posted April 25, 2020 Author Posted April 25, 2020 Thanks for all the feedback here. A lot of you bring up some great points. As far as the questions regarding catfishing, I don't think so, simply because over the months, she has sent me multiple pictures of herself, plus the photos all over her Facebook. I mean if she is catfishing, she deserves an award for it, because it is an amazing job, lol. But in all seriousness, as far as what several of you have brought up regarding the coffee dates, that bothered me too. Her justification was that she has very little free time, so they would only happen when the schedules coincided. Ultimately, I think I already knew my answer before I even posted this. She isn't ready, or just isn't that into me. Either way, I can't change that and need to look elsewhere. I do appreciate the feedback though. And who knows, maybe one day, she will realize what is under her nose that she is taking for granted. And if not, oh well. 1
kendahke Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 5 hours ago, Physx said: She got burned REALLY bad by a narcissistic sociopath in the past. So, she is now extremely hesitant to meet anyone new. Then why is she on a dating site? That's the whole point of them, right? At first I was going to say "worldwide pandemic," but if this is how she's operating, either she's not who she says she is and is catfishing or whatever psychological issues she's got that causing her to take this course of action tells me she needs a therapist more than she needs a new boyfriend. I'd put her in the "people I talk to occasionally and am not serious about" pile and go cultivate the "people I am serious about" pile. Quote I feel like I'm just wasting my time that and youth, yes you are. 2
kendahke Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 2 hours ago, Physx said: I don't think so, simply because over the months, she has sent me multiple pictures of herself, plus the photos all over her Facebook. When I got catfished, the sleeze had stolen the pictures of a man in Russian and built a whole entire life using this guy's pictures from Facebook--he built an entire fake profile there and on LinkedIn. Don't be so quick to dismiss how crafty clever people up to no good can be. Do a reverse image search on her online pictures and see where they originate from. That's how I started unraveling the sleeze's web of lies. In fact, today is the Russian dude's 61st birthday, lol. 2
poppyfields Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 (edited) Yeah I discovered a whole bunch of very interesting things about a guy I was chatting with by doing a reverse image search. One in particular was shocking actually, and quite disturbing. I would strongly advise doing that going forward with anyone you're chatting on line with. Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields
chillii Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 But whatever she is , whatever the excuses, she's gone to meet others but still won't meet you. Never did l ever know a truly interested women that didn't wanna meet, she'll usually be pushing that.
Author Physx Posted April 26, 2020 Author Posted April 26, 2020 2 hours ago, kendahke said: When I got catfished, the sleeze had stolen the pictures of a man in Russian and built a whole entire life using this guy's pictures from Facebook--he built an entire fake profile there and on LinkedIn. Don't be so quick to dismiss how crafty clever people up to no good can be. Do a reverse image search on her online pictures and see where they originate from. That's how I started unraveling the sleeze's web of lies. In fact, today is the Russian dude's 61st birthday, lol. Thanks for the info. What would you suggest as far as the ideal way to reverse image search? I've never done that before, and a web search has popped up tons of results. Not sure if there are any in particular that are preferable?
chillii Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 lf in doubt just put one or two of her pics into it see what comes up. l did it back when when l was on a date site , one it said nothing found or something like that. But the other one turned out to be using pics of some famous gymnast .
Emilie Jolie Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Physx said: Her justification was that she has very little free time, so they would only happen when the schedules coincided. My gut says these 'coffee dates' were a cover to make herself sound attractive. I don't think situations like these are that rare - I've known of 2. No catfish or money racket or bad intentions involved. 1 they did meet and it was fine for a bit until it wasn't becausecthere was too big of a gap between the futurefaking talk and actual real life, and 1 when there was no meeting at all, because 'not ready' (she was a mess, seems like he had issues as well). You're doing well to step away. Nothing beats 'in the flesh' relationships. Edited April 26, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 My guess is you're in the friend zone and she's using "timid" as an excuse because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Doesn't sound like you have much to lose if you just come out and ask her. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) I think you're just being strung along and she'll probably always have a new excuse, but that's just my opinion... Edited April 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough
kendahke Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 On 4/25/2020 at 9:21 PM, Physx said: Thanks for the info. What would you suggest as far as the ideal way to reverse image search? I've never done that before, and a web search has popped up tons of results. Not sure if there are any in particular that are preferable? Either Tin Eye or Google image search add on--I use a Firefox browser and it's one of their add-ons. The Google image search is much better. Also google catfish sites---I've forgotten which one I was on, but they listed pictures of known catfish accounts. I remember being on a completely different dating app a few years later and found yet another profile with my Russian friend's pictures again. I had to send him a facebook message to tell him his photos have been stolen again. It's a pretty common occurrence for him. He's got a friend who's an artist who takes a boatload of pictures of him and posts them and apparently, these sleazes know where to go harvest them.
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