Alpacalia Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 I've recently became reacquainted with an old classmate from high school and we've been corresponding for some time now. He's asked me to meet and we both agreed it would be nice to catch up once the Coronavirus pandemic is under control. I know he's divorced but I'm not sure how long ago and I'm wondering how (or if) I should ask. I am hesitant to date anyone fresh out of divorce so I thought it might be wise to bring it up casually at some point. For now we're just communicating at a nice pace which I'm comfortable with and he seems so too so I don't think now is the time to discuss anything heavy. But what's a good time frame to talk about past relationships or does it even need mentioning?
Blind-Sided Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 If he doesn't have kids... there is no reason to talk about past relationships. If he did have kids, then it's almost necessary. Since I'm not sure what age you are... I can't really comment on dating divorced men. But, at a certain point in life... it is almost a given. (past 30?) But if he's a nice guy... what difference would being married be, over just having a prior long term relationship?
FMW Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 I'm a divorced woman - I wouldn't think twice about a man I went on a date with asking me how long ago that happened. As you indicated Alpaca, unless someone is only looking for something casual they probably wouldn't want to start dating anyone who was only recently out of a previous relationship. I would wait on digging into any further information until you got to know each other a little better of course. 1
Mystery4u Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 (edited) It's something you should have asked already, not sure what you are waiting for? 'How long have you been single/divorced'? Nothing hard or 'heavy' in asking that, it's something you would ask on the first day of meeting someone! Better to find out you are on the same page sooner rather than later so you don't end up wasting your time. Edited April 25, 2020 by Mystery4u 4
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 Ya part of catching up is asking about the divorce, kids, job, friends, etc. Heavy would be asking what went down with the divorce. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 Yep pretty much one of first things you find out about someone. Divorced? How long ago? Kids? How many? As you are rightfully hesitant about dating someone who has more recently divorced, follow your MO and ask him. I recently came in contact with a woman who, only less than a year ago was posting that she loved her husband on FB (I always google as much as I can about someone) and now she is single and looking for a new partner??? Hmmmm...
Author Alpacalia Posted April 25, 2020 Author Posted April 25, 2020 I have no issue dating someone divorced. I just don't want to become involved with someone recently divorced. I've known him since high school (we dated briefly in high school) so we already have a decent rapport. I think asking him more about the timing of his divorce should be fine, it seems like a wise thing to do sooner rather than later given the feedback here. 2
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 (edited) I would think that's a pretty important piece of information to have. Like you have said, it's one thing to date a man who's been divorced. It's quite another to date a man who is recently divorced, or even separated but claiming to be "divorced." A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. My partner was an open book when we met, he told me that I was welcome to ask, he would answer any questions that I had. So, I would suggest that you just ask the question - how long have you been divorced now? How long were you married? Those aren't particularly personal questions (it's not like you are asking anything specific or personal about his marriage or why they divorced), and if he has difficulty answering... well, that tells you something in and of it'self. Edited April 25, 2020 by BaileyB 3
Lotsgoingon Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) I don't know how you didn't ask this. Seeing high school buddy ... Question 1: what have you been doing with yourself? (In USA, that means, "what kind of jobs have you worked at?") Question 2: So, are you married? If answer comes back yes, next question is ... how long? ... who'd you marry? If answer is no--if the person says he's divorced, then the natural followup questions are: how long were you married?" and ... when ... or how long have you been divorced? These aren't even probing questions. Just like asking, "do you have children?" People expect these questions and frankly will find it weird that you're not showing any curiosity enough to ask them. If you don't ask these questions, the other person will often conclude that you're lacking in confidence or lacking in basic social skill. People don't want to date someone who won't even find out basic information. What in the world are you corresponding about? Get over this fear of asking questions. It'll be your ruin in dating. You have to ask questions to learn who the heck you're spending time with or whether you should even think about spending time with them--let alone dating. I don't know how old you are, but when you're past 40 these questions are basic. Edited April 26, 2020 by Lotsgoingon
Author Alpacalia Posted April 26, 2020 Author Posted April 26, 2020 20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: I don't know how you didn't ask this. Seeing high school buddy ... Question 1: what have you been doing with yourself? (In USA, that means, "what kind of jobs have you worked at?") Question 2: So, are you married? If answer comes back yes, next question is ... how long? ... who'd you marry? If answer is no--if the person says he's divorced, then the natural followup questions are: how long were you married?" and ... when ... or how long have you been divorced? These aren't even probing questions. Just like asking, "do you have children?" People expect these questions and frankly will find it weird that you're not showing any curiosity enough to ask them. If you don't ask these questions, the other person will often conclude that you're lacking in confidence or lacking in basic social skill. People don't want to date someone who won't even find out basic information. What in the world are you corresponding about? Get over this fear of asking questions. It'll be your ruin in dating. You have to ask questions to learn who the heck you're spending time with or whether you should even think about spending time with them--let alone dating. I don't know how old you are, but when you're past 40 these questions are basic. I know what he currently does for a living and he's not married. I suppose I did not ask initially because I viewed his initial reaching out as just friendly "catching up" banter and he kind of just threw out that he was divorced into the conversation. I'm still friends with most of his family but I will for sure inquire more regarding the timing of the divorce and more "what have you been doing with yourself" oriented questions.
Versacehottie Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, smackie9 said: Ya part of catching up is asking about the divorce, kids, job, friends, etc. Heavy would be asking what went down with the divorce. 1000% agree with this. Here's the thing, he's not a stranger, you've known each other before so, to me, to not acknowledge where you left off being in regular touch with each other would be a bit silly and backward. The basis of knowing each other is friendly so I think you should get into it a little bit--maybe think of it as less as a personal agenda as far as asking in reference to where things might head for the two of you, but more as concern and care for your friend. If you think of it like this, it should color the way you pose questions and have that conversation. Like smackie said, I don't think you should go heavy or in too deep. The point of that is if you are about to be dating yourself you don't want to be his shoulder to cry on or bond through mutual hurt (which is super lame if you ask me). If this guy was a guy you met IRL or OLD purely for the first time and purely with the goal to date, I don't think you would need to ask much. You would have a cleaner slate so to speak. That said, I think if you are dating anyone who has been divorced and you've been told that, it's a little odd to just gloss over it like it never happened. It's a part of their lives and you need to get a general sense of where they stand with it and how it might affect the two of you going forward. And that said, in a lot of ways it's the same as other past relationships in that too much talking about it is never a good thing. You want your own relationship to be about the two of you and not allow too much past information and ghosts come into to bring a lot of assumptions to things. It's about making your own judgements and assessments. Good luck Edited April 26, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Author Alpacalia Posted April 27, 2020 Author Posted April 27, 2020 Great, thanks everyone. This has been helpful!
Lotsgoingon Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 Yes, asking these questions does NOT give away or suggest any romantic interest. So, you can ask the questions without getting involved past the point you want to get involved. And if you are interested or open to being interested in romance, you want to hear and evaluate his answers. Well good luck!!!!!!
Author Alpacalia Posted April 27, 2020 Author Posted April 27, 2020 5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Yes, asking these questions does NOT give away or suggest any romantic interest. So, you can ask the questions without getting involved past the point you want to get involved. And if you are interested or open to being interested in romance, you want to hear and evaluate his answers. Well good luck!!!!!! Thanks. I'm going to ask next time we talk. I certainly want to avoid getting past a point that I would want to if his divorce is in fact recent.
ShyViolet Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 "So how long have you been single?" There is nothing whatsoever weird or "prying" about asking this. This is something that should be asked on a first date. It's something I would want to know early on.
Author Alpacalia Posted April 28, 2020 Author Posted April 28, 2020 I agree. I just wasn't sure how to bring it up (or when). He was a bit full on with pet names and other sentiments a few days into us talking so I'm definitely proceeding with caution. We'll see how it goes.
Author Alpacalia Posted May 8, 2020 Author Posted May 8, 2020 I've learnt that he's been divorced for 8 months coming out of a 9 year marriage. Definitely going to proceed with caution, which is fine, because I'm just looking at this as two people getting reacquainted after high school. I'm looking forward to learning more about him.
BaileyB Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 Actually divorced, or separated. As I learned of experience, there is a big difference...
Author Alpacalia Posted May 8, 2020 Author Posted May 8, 2020 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Actually divorced, or separated. As I learned of experience, there is a big difference... True. I believe he said his divorce was finalized 8 months ago.
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