Diamondsandrubys Posted April 24, 2020 Posted April 24, 2020 Hi, I’ve posted around this topic in the past so sorry if anyone is reading a similar post to a precious one. I just need some advice on a more developed situation. Backstory, I dated a guy who is a doctor a few years ago and we were both just out of relationships. I wasn’t in the right mindframe for meeting someone new and pushed him away. He sensed it and ended it. I bumped in to him about three months ago and we got chatting. Ended up going for a coffee, and in the following few weeks we went out for dinner and drinks, spent hours smooching in the car after the date, then the following week, another great date where we had sex - three pre-covid dates in total. To start I was making so much more effort than him because I felt I had to show him that I was no longer in the position I was in when I met him a few years ago and that I was keen to see where it goes. He always seemed interested - texting every day etc, initiating conversation, but I don’t feel like he was as desperate to see me as I was to him and never seemed to push for certain dates or urgency etc. So then covid hit. Obviously being a doctor he’s been thrown on the front line. We agreed to stay in touch, but he said dating was impossible for him at the moment between lockdown and his profession, but that he’d like to stay in touch. I’ve heard from him a few times a week throughout this whole thing, but he’s had a few days off recently and we chatted by text quite a lot, including a couple of nights ago when the chat got very sexy. We spoke about what we’d be doing if we were together etc. It was hours of flirting and felt great. Obviously I’m home having a huge amount of time to think about all this. I feel like I’ve focussed so much on him and what he’s doing, how he’s coping on the front line, being super happy when he’s decided to contact me etc, that I’ve lost all gauge of what is normal and what’s not. Now I can’t tell if he was ‘sexting’ me becuase he’s actually interested in pursuing something with me, or whether he just wanted someone to satisfy him during lockdown while he was off work. In a normal situation, if things hadn’t developed for this long and I didn’t know where I stood with someone, I’d move on, but obviously I can’t do that. I feel emotionally in limbo. I’m not getting any clarification from him about his interest level. There’s always chat but never a kind of ‘I wish we could do this’...etc. We hadn’t dated long enough, but I know from dating him in the past that I am really keen. I feel like because I’ve now thought about it so much, I feel like I’ve been on a relationship with my idea of him for the whole of the covid crisis and to him I’m probably just someone he’s been on a few dates with! I know I can’t expect more from him in this situation and I feel stupid that I can’t shake the feeling, but I feel like I’m so invested that I’m only ever disappointed that he didn’t want to talk more, or that he didn’t text until 9pm on his day off etc. How do I rationalise my thoughts, and be able to keep the door open to possibilities at the end of this without going totally insane with overthinking?! I feel like at the moment the only route to sanity is to cut him off, Becuase then I’m forced to cut my feelings off. But I don’t want to do that in case it could be something great. I’ve lost my judgement on whether he is actually interested in me or just wanting someone to keep in the background. Please help my irrational anxieties!
Calmandfocused Posted April 24, 2020 Posted April 24, 2020 (edited) Im always the first one to jump on the band wagon that if you’re questioning whether he’s into you then it’s usually bad news. However I don’t think this is the case here. You’re letting your anxieties get the better of you! From what you’ve written, he’s demonstrating a healthy level of interest, baring in mind that he’s only just started dating you. He’s showing you he’s still interested without being too full on. I can’t see anything to be alarmed about that. So he doesn’t contact you all day every day on his days off. Why would he? He’s not in a relationship with you yet. Very wise I’d say., Your problem is that you’re in fantasy/ fairytale land. You’re trying to progress this relationship too quickly in your head and are getting anxious because the reality is not fitting in with the fantasy. take a chill pill and take each day as it comes with this guy. If he picks up on your anxiety he may sense desperation which may turn him off. Edited April 24, 2020 by Calmandfocused 6 1
preraph Posted April 24, 2020 Posted April 24, 2020 The sexting, while you say you thought it was wonderful, is also what got you wondering what his intentions are. Well, yeah. Sexting is pretty straightforward. Like a whole lot of men, he's thinking about sex. With sexting, he's probably not just thinking about it but probably doing it. If you're not comfortable with that, just change the subject. I mean, he can and will use porn instead. I would just say that yes, he's probably pretty busy, depending what type doctor he is, and there's the quarantine. My guess is you can stop sexting and if he's really interested he still will be at the end of the quarantine. For sure he'll be ready to have actual sex. I imagine there are a lot of people who are too busy working in this mess to even give thought to their SO or gf, so I at least give him credit for thinking of you. 1 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 24, 2020 Posted April 24, 2020 Take a breath and remember that you just started dating. You cannot start fresh, but you need to look at this as a new relationship and there is nothing established here. He misses the sex, but it doesn't sound like there is anything of substance that he misses about you. He doesn't know you really and the most provocative thing about you he is focusing on is the sex. He misses the sex. Stop sexting him and get him to talking about subjects that show he is interested in knowing you. Also, part of your anxiety, I don't know you, may be that he is a doctor giving you attention. You say that you would normally have moved on, but why don't you? Is it because he is a doctor? What if he was a custodial worker? One step at a time. Don't create a relationship that doesn't exist. 1 1
kendahke Posted April 24, 2020 Posted April 24, 2020 I wouldn't cut him off for the mere fact that he's up to his eyeballs in alligators right now and him not getting back to you, etc., isn't because he's not interested. It's because he's a doctor in the middle of a worldwide pandemic--any time he does have, he's got to make sure he's mentally and emotionally up to the task at hand. Now would be a great time for you to find something to put your interest in to wile away the long stretches of time during sheltering in place. It's a weird time for everyone. Self discipline is what will get you through this with your sanity in tact. Take up an online course; buy a sewing machine and make masks (you can order most everything online and have it delivered); there is something you can turn your mind to to alleviate the boredom. He clearly knows you're interested, else he wouldn't have taken back up with you. Don't read more into this than there is in order to be right. Sit and chill; occupy your mind and let him come to you when he's not quite so overwhelmed with the sick and dying. 2
smackie9 Posted April 24, 2020 Posted April 24, 2020 (edited) Get busy with your own life. So many people have found creative ways to either fill their time at home or volunteer/help out. This dating thing is totally on hold and or it's a bust. It's out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it. Things are going to be restricted for a long long time until they find a vaccine. To ease the anxiety is to stop investing in him. Edited April 24, 2020 by smackie9 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 Like Calm, I would usually say, "if you have to ask, then the answer is no, he/she/they ... are NOT interested." People who are interested make it a priority to let the other person know that. They can obsess about the other person. They want to impress the other person. They make themselves available for the other person. I still think that logic applies here ... what I"m getting from him is ... yes, he can talk to you ... and he can flirt, but the relationship isn't really going anywhere. Be really careful about the texting and flirting ... people can get carried away ... the medium of texting is inherently exciting and addicting, sort of like a video game or something. In real life, you'd have to shut up and either make a move or not. With texting (and no possibility of really meeting up) you just play clever games with language ... say something bold, feel your heartbeat ... review it ... pause ... then send ... then wait anxiously for a reply. ... you get a sexy reply and you've just been pulled into that addictive loop. As for real bonding: count texting hours as 1/10 (or lower) of real life hours, even phone hours. So if you text for two hours ... 120 minutes ... that's worth about 12 minutes in phone time ... Worth about five minutes of in-person time ... Get your life going ... if I had to really guess, I'd say he's not that interested ... sexting right now is a great distraction for him ... doesn't really mean anything. Get into your life ...let him contact you ... chill ... definitely not the time to make any assumptions of good outcomes ...
kendahke Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 47 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: People who are interested make it a priority to let the other person know that. They can obsess about the other person. They want to impress the other person. They make themselves available for the other person. I'd say that's correct for anyone in any profession other than the medical field right now.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 25, 2020 Posted April 25, 2020 Kendahke ... even a doctor right now would "prioritize" a serious romantic interest. What I mean by "prioritize" is at this time quite quite limited. There aren't going to be long nights of conversation. But ... fantasizing about romance--no better psychology escape for someone in a ridiculously intense situation. And not all doctors are in crisis hospitals.
Recommended Posts