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Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

CinderElla97

By CinderElla97
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Our community has shared a thread with @CinderElla97 from another participant that has many similarities to this thread. Please be mindful that while there's much to be learned from similar or identical experiences shared by others here, and it's great that we are able to help connect CinderElla97 with discussions that resonate with the experience she's sharing with us today, the poster has made it clear in this thread that she does not identify as the same individual and did not post the similar thread with a different account late last year.

For the purposes of our discussion here, please accept this gentle reminder to be respectful of the thread starter's position on the matter. We kindly ask that you refrain from insisting that the thread starter and the previous thread author are one in the same. Let's focus our energies instead on discussing the feedback in this and in similar threads that may be germane to CinderElla97's circumstances.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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56 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It's fair to not want to date anyone, for any reason, but I just want to say is that I can see a possibility where it's really hard to stay cordial with the ex mother or father of children, especially if the other person is the one being abusive to them/provoking them, but using the children as leverage to stay in contact to do so.  I read about this happening, and while I'm not saying it is definitively the cases here, but what if the feelings are on her side and she's making it really bad for him/provoking him

Maybe as people here say, i am in denial, but i think this is more likely the case. She messages him all the time and he rarely answers. If he doesn't answer she starts to cause arguments so then he starts to ignore her more until eventually she will say something like telling him to stay away from her and the children or she will message me and he will have enough and start to argue back with her.

Their arguments are mostly about me but she uses the children in a way to do it. Such as, she always seems to say things like how he hasn't been a father to the children, or she can't trust him, that he never sees the children, but always followed by "since you met her"

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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17 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Maybe as people here say, i am in denial, but i think this is more likely the case. She messages him all the time and he rarely answers. If he doesn't answer she starts to cause arguments so then he starts to ignore her more until eventually she will say something like telling him to stay away from her and the children or she will message me and he will have enough and start to argue back with her.

Their arguments are mostly about me but she uses the children in a way to do it. Such as, she always seems to say things like how he hasn't been a father to the children, or she can't trust him, that he never sees the children, but always followed by "since you met her"

Keep in mind a lot of people are not going to have much positive to say for the 'other woman' and their perspectives will be tinged with that. Does it work out sometimes? It certainly does. Not that I want it to or anything, but that's neither here nor there. I don't think if he left her and his kids and is with you now, he had any kind of love for her. She sounds really kind of toxic. I wonder if she said something to you that caused suspicion? 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Keep in mind a lot of people are not going to have much positive to say for the 'other woman' and their perspectives will be tinged with that. Does it work out sometimes? It certainly does. Not that I want it to or anything, but that's neither here nor there. I don't think if he left her and his kids and is with you now, he had any kind of love for her. She sounds really kind of toxic. I wonder if she said something to you that caused suspicion? 

She showed me messages of a few times a few months in to our relationship where they have had vaguely sexual conversations. I say vague... the parts she showed me where of him asking to describe start to finish what she was thinking about. She left just enough in the screenshots to shop she had replied like he asked but not showing what else was said other than him saying he was "going to work out that thought now"

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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So they were essentially "sexting" after they broke up and a few months into your relationship?  

You've only been dating him seven months, living together for four, I dunno you do the math. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So they were essentially "sexting" after they broke up and a few months into your relationship?  

You've only been dating him seven months, living together for four, I dunno you do the math. 

I don't know that you could really call it that on his part. It seemed to me as though she was the one leading all the conversations that way and that he never really said too much. Just got her to go into details

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So they were essentially "sexting" after they broke up and a few months into your relationship?  

You've only been dating him seven months, living together for four, I dunno you do the math. 

What math? 

allofyou Established Member

allofyou

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Posted (edited)

OP, can I be blunt?

 

You seriously have some particularly low standards and it is women like you who let men walk all over you and enable their disrespectful behaviour. 
 

Please work on your issues and ask yourself why you are sticking with a guy in this situation. 
 

I’m seeing someone who has a teenager and I don’t have any of my own. I have no interests in interacting with his kid’s mama nor do I wanna play the step mum role and get in the middle of this. If he drags me into anything, that’s me out the door straight away. 
 

If he even texts any female excessively to the point that I feel uncomfortable and that he’s not willing to stop, that’s me out too. Unless I could get to know this woman and feel comfortable and have trust in her. 
 

It seems like you don’t know what your boundaries are and you’re asking questions to no avail because you have no boundaries yourself. 
 

And he was definitely sexting her. It doesn’t matter who started it. He went with it. They were sexting. 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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11 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

She showed me messages of a few times a few months in to our relationship where they have had vaguely sexual conversations. I say vague... the parts she showed me where of him asking to describe start to finish what she was thinking about. She left just enough in the screenshots to shop she had replied like he asked but not showing what else was said other than him saying he was "going to work out that thought now"

Hm. Yeah, that's definitely a reason for suspicion and it's pretty obvious why she showed you that. Like I said, I read a lot of these cases where the baby mama has the feels and baby dad doesn't, but she'll reel him back in with sex, and it's often successful at least once. This just sounds like another one of those stories I read. This is definitely another red flag for you, along with the evasiveness, that he was getting drawn into for a little bit of sexting ( behind your back with another lady)early in his relationship with you ....Take that for what it is. To me it looks like a tiger showing its stripes.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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6 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

I don't know that you could really call it that on his part. It seemed to me as though she was the one leading all the conversations that way and that he never really said too much. Just got her to go into details

 

13 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

No. I did tell him that she didn't talk things over with me and anytime she messages me again i show him. He then immediately tells her to stop bringing me into it and to leave me alone.

 

11 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

She showed me messages of a few times a few months in to our relationship where they have had vaguely sexual conversations. I say vague... the parts she showed me where of him asking to describe start to finish what she was thinking about. She left just enough in the screenshots to shop she had replied like he asked but not showing what else was said other than him saying he was "going to work out that thought now"

Why haven't you asked him about this supposed sexting?  This is unbelievable that a girl would hear this about her boyfriend and not confront him over it.  Why not?  I agree you have no boundaries.  You should block her.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

 

Why haven't you asked him about this supposed sexting?  This is unbelievable that a girl would hear this about her boyfriend and not confront him over it.  Why not?  I agree you have no boundaries.  You should block her.

I was going to confront him. But then i decided that it was just her trying to stir up trouble and it was her leading the conversation, probably for this very reason, so that she could show it to me. So i spoke to him about her messaging but did not tell him exactly what had been said and decided to tell her i had left him as i initially told her i was going to when she sent the messages. I thought it would stop her from contacting me but she never believed it

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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OP, you make your bf sound like some sort of "victim" - boo hoo, poor him, his psycho ex won't leave him alone, texts, sexts, she just won't go away!  

Full stop!

I truly believe where there is one ex-partner texting, sexting, refusing to let go, there is the other ex-partner (your bf) encouraging it.

I don't believe for one second he's the innocent victim of a crazy ex, HE is contributing to the craziness.  He may not be the one initiating but he is most definitely contributing to it, encouraging it by the mere fact he is still responding and has not taken the proper steps to SHUT IT DOWN.

Don't be surprised if you come home one day and find them in bed together. 

Be forewarned, can almost guarantee this is not going to end well.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, you make your bf sound like some sort of "victim" - boo hoo, poor him, his psycho ex won't leave him alone, texts, sexts, she just won't go away!  

Full stop!

I truly believe where there is one ex-partner texting, sexting, refusing to let go, there is the other ex-partner (your bf) encouraging it.

I don't believe for one second he's the innocent victim of a crazy ex, HE is contributing to the craziness.  He may not be the one initiating but he is most definitely contributing to it, encouraging it by the mere fact he is still responding and has not taken the proper steps to SHUT IT DOWN.

Don't be surprised if you come home one day and find them in bed together. 

Be forewarned, can almost guarantee this is not going to end well.

I know he is not a victim in this situation but i do feel that it is her that is the problem as it is her that is always texting him and causing arguments when he doesn't reply to her. He rarely replies to her. Infact i don't think he has replied in the last few days as he said he is expecting an argument soon because he's not spoken to her

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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5 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know he is not a victim in this situation but i do feel that it is her that is the problem as it is her that is always texting him and causing arguments when he doesn't reply to her. He rarely replies to her. Infact i don't think he has replied in the last few days as he said he is expecting an argument soon because he's not spoken to her

You say he "rarely" responds?  I'm calling BS on that, read your first post again! 

It completely contradicts that.  Not to mention, this thread wouldn't exist if he "rarely" responded. 

Why do you now deny what you yourself wrote in your initial post?  Rhetorical question, no need to respond. 

Anyway, I am done, this will be my last.

Take care. 

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, poppyfields said:

You say he "rarely" responds?  I'm calling BS on that, read your first post again! 

It completely contradicts that.

Anyway, I am done, this will be my last.

Take care. 

He did used to reply more and after their last arguement he seemed to be replying even nore than normal but the last few days he seems to have stopped. She doesn't seemed to have messaged him so much either and i have heard nothing from her. 

I said from the start that it wasn't constant contact but usually daily

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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9 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know he is not a victim in this situation but i do feel that it is her that is the problem as it is her that is always texting him and causing arguments when he doesn't reply to her. He rarely replies to her. Infact i don't think he has replied in the last few days as he said he is expecting an argument soon because he's not spoken to her

You don't know what he does with her because you never ask him questions about what is going on between them.  It's as if you bury your head when it comes to his accountability and blame her.  I think you're afraid to confront him over her for fear he'll go back.  

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)

Your initial post said they were in contact every day.  They message daily were your exact words. 

But again nevermind, no disrespect but you're sounding a bit silly now, so I'm putting this thread to rest. 

Edited by poppyfields
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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27 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

So i spoke to him about her messaging but did not tell him exactly what had been said and decided to tell her i had left him as i initially told her i was going to when she sent the messages. I thought it would stop her from contacting me but she never believed it

She will have asked him and he will have told her it wasn't true.

You are under the impression she is in the middle of your relationship but I guess you are actually  in the middle of their relationship.
 

 

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Your initial post said they were in contact every day.  They message daily were your exact words. 

But again nevermind, no disrespect but you're sounding a bit silly now, so I'm putting this thread to rest. 

I know that is what i said. I have just said that that is what i said but over the last few days since starting this thread it seems to have changed a little

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She will have asked him and he will have told her it wasn't true.

You are under the impression she is in the middle of your relationship but I guess you are actually  in the middle of their relationship.
 

 

 

I told him of my plan to tell her it was ober and so we both told her. He told her before i did. I think that is why she did not believe it, because it came from him not only first but also very quickly. She said a few times that she did not believe he would tell her i had left him and definitely not immediately. She asked on a few occasions for the truth stating that she did not believe us before causing the last argument they had, so that he would admit everything. I do not know exactly what was said after he calmed her down but i do know that he agreed not to lie to her again and that he knew he had a lot of work to do to make things right

Edited by CinderElla97
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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6 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know that is what i said. I have just said that that is what i said but over the last few days since starting this thread it seems to have changed a little

You don't know that unless you're in his presence 24/7 which I hope is not the case!  

He's just being more discreet about it would be my best guess. 

I wouldn't rule it out.

Take care!

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You don't know that unless you're with him 24/7 which I hope is not the case!  

He's just being more discreet about it would be my guess. 

Take care!

I am with him pretty much 24/7 as we live together and are in isolation. Neither of our workplaces are open during the lockdown and we only go either for food shopping or a walk and we do both together

Edited by CinderElla97
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted
Just now, CinderElla97 said:

I am with him pretty much 24/7 as we live together and are in isolation

Really, in the bath even?  Lol

You mean to tell me there is never a time within 24 hours, when he's alone?  Ever?

If so, good lord, I really do wish you luck.  :D

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Really, in the bath even?  Lol

You mean to tell me there is never a time within 24 hours, when he's alone?  Ever?

If so, good lord, I really do wish you luck.  :D

 

No, obviously not in the bathroom. Yeah of course there are times when he is alone but never for long and i am usually only in the next room. 

Not long enough to be hiding out to text or anything though and not backwards and forwards as if hes running off to reply all the time either

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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33 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

He rarely replies to her. Infact i don't think he has replied in the last few days as he said he is expecting an argument soon because he's not spoken to her

Again, you don't know this for a fact. 

He goes to the bathroom on his own doesn't he? Or do you go absolutely everywhere he goes?

You need to wake up and realise that noone should be doing what he is doing. 

It won't end well for you. 

You will never be chosen over the mother of his children. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, JTSW said:

Again, you don't know this for a fact. 

He goes to the bathroom on his own doesn't he? Or do you go absolutely everywhere he goes?

You need to wake up and realise that noone should be doing what he is doing. 

It won't end well for you. 

You will never be chosen over the mother of his children. 

But i already have been?

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