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Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

CinderElla97

By CinderElla97
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Our community has shared a thread with @CinderElla97 from another participant that has many similarities to this thread. Please be mindful that while there's much to be learned from similar or identical experiences shared by others here, and it's great that we are able to help connect CinderElla97 with discussions that resonate with the experience she's sharing with us today, the poster has made it clear in this thread that she does not identify as the same individual and did not post the similar thread with a different account late last year.

For the purposes of our discussion here, please accept this gentle reminder to be respectful of the thread starter's position on the matter. We kindly ask that you refrain from insisting that the thread starter and the previous thread author are one in the same. Let's focus our energies instead on discussing the feedback in this and in similar threads that may be germane to CinderElla97's circumstances.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, stillafool said:

There was another thread a while ago where the poster had the exact same problem as you and no amount of answers we gave her were enough.  I'll see if I can find that thread for you and maybe it will help.

Someone else mentioned another thread either earlier today or yesterday too.

The answers you all give to the questions that have been answered are enough and i do now understand and see where you are coming from.

Although the previous comment does seem to say more along the lines of what i was thinking was the issue. That she just knows how to get to him and pushes his buttons.

From what she sent me before there seemed to be no issues. He just told her he was no longer in love with her. The dates of this were after we had gotten together so i assume he left her because he felt more for me than he did for her

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why don't you talk to him about it?

Because even if i were to ask him, he wouldn't talk about it anyway. He doesn't speak about her or their relationship. Never even mentions her name unless they are arguing

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Here's the deal...when there is still anger there is still emotional attachment which means it's not over. A marriage/common-law relationship is over when both parties have no emotion and are truly done with it and don't have any desire to be involved. Your BF and his ex still have unfinished business.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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2 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

 

From what she sent me before there seemed to be no issues. He just told her he was no longer in love with her. The dates of this were after we had gotten together so i assume he left her because he felt more for me than he did for her

 

Well if it wouldn't be that hard to feel more for you if he felt 0 for her. I see/read this happen a lot where the baby mama is still into the guy and he is moving on, more often than than the other way around. I guess because women just tend to put more thought into or have strong feelings for the guy to have his baby....whereas a lot of men are just getting a nut lol. It could even be guilt from his end for leaving after he lost interest/finding someone new that's making him react with anger. It's twisted, but people have a tendency to do that. Who knows. Obviously something in your gut is telling you that something might be there with her?. Maybe looking into why might hold more answers. I will say, that from what a read, though the baby mommas are usually the ones still carrying the torch, the baby daddys do not usually skip opportunities to exploit that when they get horny enough...

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JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

There was another thread a while ago where the poster had the exact same problem as you and no amount of answers we gave her were enough.  I'll see if I can find that thread for you and maybe it will help.

Apart from one difference, everything here is identical to that thread. 

I've been reading very closely and i've picked up on many things that points to this being the same person. 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Here's the deal...when there is still anger there is still emotional attachment which means it's not over. A marriage/common-law relationship is over when both parties have no emotion and are truly done with it and don't have any desire to be involved. Your BF and his ex still have unfinished business.

I don't know about that. I mean perhaps feelings, but not romantic or loving feelings toward the person. One particular ex of mine annoyed me to no end after we broke up.  I broke up with him because I had lost all feelings for him and felt guilty about it, but whenever he would try talk to me or I had to communicate with him, was mean so to him. He even said to friends "I don't understand why she is mean to me/angry with me" And I feel shamed about how I acted. I really feel guilt to this day about the mean, hateful stuff I said/how angry I was to him. I did say sorry. It wasn't due to having any feelings for him though. It was just annoyance like "why can't he leave me alone. why do I have to feel bad because of him"

Edited by Cookiesandough
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JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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Bottom line is that they wouldnt argue if they didnt care.

They argue because they care enough to do so.

They still care about each other.

They have a history together.

They have children together.

They have a bond that you (the other woman) will never have with him.

She sees you as the homewrecker because basically you are.

You have convinced yourself that what you say about them barely bing in contact is the truth, but you don't know anything for a fact.

You just want to believe that nothing is going on when it couldnt be more obvious that there is.

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Apart from one difference, everything here is identical to that thread. 

I've been reading very closely and i've picked up on many things that points to this being the same person. 

I can tell you i have most definitely not posted on here before. I have however posted this same thread on another forum but i haven't had any replies on there

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don't know about that. I mean perhaps feelings, but not romantic or loving feelings toward the person. One particular ex of mine annoyed me to no end after we broke up.  I broke up with him because I had lost all feelings for him and felt guilty about it, but whenever he would try talk to me or I had to communicate with him, was mean so to him. He even said to friends "I don't understand why she is mean to me/angry with me" And I feel shamed about how I acted. I really feel guilt to this day about the mean, hateful stuff I said/how angry I was to him. I did say sorry. It wasn't due to having any feelings for him though. It was just annoyance like "why can't he leave me alone. why do I have to feel bad because of him"

If there were no attachment or emotion (not romantic) none of what he did would bother you, and you wouldn't have felt guilt or would have made any effort to be in contact. Ask yourself...could you not have talked to him at all? But why did you if things were finished?

simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

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Posted

It’s so true....after the love is gone what used to be so right is NOW so wrong.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If there were no attachment or emotion (not romantic) none of what he did would bother you, and you wouldn't have felt guilt or would have made any effort to be in contact. Ask yourself...could you not have talked to him at all? But why did you if things were finished?

I didn't make an effort to be in contact. I lived with him before I lost all my feelings/attraction to him and wanted to move on. Besides working out getting my stuff/giving him his, initially I kept the lines of communication open because he wanted to and he felt it would help him. I felt ignoring him or blocking him would hurt him more. But he would annoy me because he obviously liked me and I did not like him, made me uncomfortable, and I had guilt for what I did, so I finally did block. If you read the break up forums it's very common for the dumper to act cruel for this reason. These people have kids, so they have to stay in touch. 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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43 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Because even if i were to ask him, he wouldn't talk about it anyway. He doesn't speak about her or their relationship. Never even mentions her name unless they are arguing

Well if he won't even address your questions regarding her why would complete strangers know?  Why don't you ask her?  He isn't a good bf if he won't put your mind to rest about this plus that just shows he's hiding his feelings from you.

Edited by stillafool
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, stillafool said:

Well if he won't even address your questions regarding her why would complete strangers know?  Why don't you ask her?

Because as i have been told a few times on here now. You all have more experiencw than i do therefore have more to base your opinions on.

If i message her she will just try arguing with me. Also i feel if i was to ask things such as how much they talk, what they talk about or anything regarding feelings that she would only lie to lead me to believe something was going on even if it wasn't 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)

@cookie, I totally get what you're saying. 

But this situation is different, in that they are both intensely and passionately arguing with each other, and the OP herself describing their relationship as an "intense, love/hate" relationship.

There is also emotional and reactive blocking/unblocking/ignoring, back to dramatic arguments, lather, rinse, repeat.

And him asking OP to unblock her at her (his ex's) request. Only to have his ex continue to verbally abuse her.

So based on that, I'd venture to say that there are still lingering, unresolved feelings on both sides. 

Angry feelings, hate feelings, intense emotion. 

Thin line between love and hate and all that....

 

Edited by poppyfields
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preraph Established Member

preraph

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It's more likely that he just doesn't like to communicate that much. I imagine she had the same problem with him. He probably doesn't like to argue because he finds himself at fault and being asked to fix it. 

 

The main thing I want you to come away with is the reality that he is the same man as he was with her. You won't get any better version of him in the end than she had because that is who he is. just the fact that he is irresponsible about his children would be enough to keep me away unless I literally had no interest whatsoever in ever having children. You loving him or him loving you will not change him. 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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16 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Because as i have been told a few times on here now. You all have more experiencw than i do therefore have more to base your opinions on.

If i message her she will just try arguing with me. Also i feel if i was to ask things such as how much they talk, what they talk about or anything regarding feelings that she would only lie to lead me to believe something was going on even if it wasn't 

This is something that you should be able to ask your boyfriend and get a clear, honest answer.  If not, your relationship is nothing and the fact that you are afraid to ask him says it all.  No wonder you're so insecure about them still being in love.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@cookie, I totally get what you're saying. 

But this situation is different, in that they are both intensely and passionately arguing with each other, and the OP herself describing their relationship as an "intense, love/hate" relationship.

There is also emotional and reactive blocking/unblocking/ignoring, back to dramatic arguments, lather, rinse, repeat.

And him asking OP to unblock her at her (his ex's) request. Only to have his ex continue to verbally abuse her.

So based on that, I'd venture to say that there are still lingering, unresolved feelings on both sides. 

Angry feelings, hate feelings, intense emotion. 

Thin line between love and hate and all that....

 

I only described it as intense because it seems that way when they argue.

And as i said before... i believe he genuinely though that she was going to talk things out with me so as tk make it easier for him to take the children

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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2 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I only described it as intense because it seems that way when they argue.

And as i said before... i believe he genuinely though that she was going to talk things out with me so as tk make it easier for him to take the children

Well did you tell him that she didn't talk things out with you so you want him to answer some questions?

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@cookie, I totally get what you're saying. 

But this situation is different, in that they are both intensely and passionately arguing with each other, and the OP herself describing their relationship as an "intense, love/hate" relationship.

There is also emotional and reactive blocking/unblocking/ignoring, back to dramatic arguments, lather, rinse, repeat.

And him asking OP to unblock her at her (his ex's) request. Only to have his ex continue to verbally abuse her.

So based on that, I'd venture to say that there are still lingering, unresolved feelings on both sides. 

Angry feelings, hate feelings, intense emotion. 

Thin line between love and hate and all that....

 

Yes, perhaps it is different. Especially considering, as stillafool has pointed out, he is being purposefully avoidant about the subject of her...plus the need for OP to even ask such questions. I just know from what I have seen that people can hate/strongly dislike the ex or in this case the mother/father of their child, but must communicate with them/ keep relationship as good as possible for the sake of the children

Edited by Cookiesandough
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes, perhaps it is different. Especially considering, as stillafool has pointed out, he is being purposefully avoidant about the subject of her...plus the need for OP to even ask such a question. But I just know from experience and from what I have seen that people can hate/strongly dislike the mother/father of their child, but they must communicate with them for the sake of the children.

Again, I hear ya but what's interesting is that their arguments have nothing to do with their kids. 

They're about the OP!  Cinder's bf has now dragged her into their toxic drama.

To me it's so obvious there are still unresolved feelings on both sides or none of this would be happening. 

A simple call to the police claiming harassment would put an end to it, fast!

Edited by poppyfields
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Again, I hear ya but what's interesting is that their arguments have nothing to do with their kids. 

They're about the OP!  Cinder's bf has now dragged her into their toxic drama.

To me it's so obvious there are still unresolved feelings on both sides or none of this would be happening. 

A simple call to the police claiming harassment would put an end to it, fast!

It makes sense they would argue about things other than the kids even if that was their reason for having to communicate. Was he bringing her into it by saying, "Stop being so dramatic. This is why I'm so glad I'm with CinderElla97. She's drama free" or something like that? I mean to his ex, he probably left her for CinderElla97 because she was newer and shinier, so it makes sense there would be some arguments about her. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Posted (edited)

Now this is just me, and I'm not criticizing the OP, but me personally would never date someone that had a bad, intense, argumentative, etc relationship with their ex, especially when children are involved. I know this is harsh but this should be intolerable behavior even when it's done in front of children. In a kid's mind this can be perceived as normal in how adults treat each other in a relationship/marriage. It doesn't set a good example. He has no backbone to make a real effort to stop it...what does that say about him? His avoidance is more important than the well being of his kid or kids? Sorry just my rant...IMO kids should come first and they need to finally put their differences aside for good.

If the arguments are about the OP then there is still unresolved emotions going on here.

Edited by smackie9
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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It's fair to not want to date anyone, for any reason, but I just want to say is that I can see a possibility where it's really hard to stay cordial with the ex mother or father of children, especially if the other person is the one being abusive to them/provoking them, but using the children as leverage to stay in contact to do so.  I read about this happening, and while I'm not saying it is definitively the cases here, but what if the feelings are on her side and she's making it really bad for him/provoking him

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
On 4/24/2020 at 7:44 AM, CinderElla97 said:

My boyfriend has a very complicated relationship with his ex. 

I understand they need to be in contact as they have babies together, but I sometimes feel as though they talk a little too much. 

I know he loves me, and he treats me well, but he has a very intense love/hate kind of thing going on with her.

One minute they will be at each other’s throats having some of the worst arguments I have ever known, yesterdays involved him calling her deluded, crazy, and saying he wishes he had never had the children with her. He gets so mad, frustrated, and filled with hate towards her, but then the next minute they are apologizing and laughing and joking with each other.

Yesterday was different; he was the angriest I had seen him towards her.

He even gave her his new phone number that he has had since December and previously refused to provide her and unblocked and her back onto his Snapchat.

I know there is a fine line between love and hate, and I am wondering if he is walking it.

The way he spoke to and about her, he seemed as though he hated her.

Why does he let her get to him like this? How does she make him so angry? 

Cinder, this^ from your original post, the parts that stuck out to me.

You wrote this before our replies, which triggered a defensive posture, which is not uncommon.

Don't lose sight of why you posted this; to me it suggests your gut, your god-given intuition, was screaming -- something's just not right about all this!

I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, I'm sure he does.

But it would appear he's also struggling with some dangerous internal demons.

At best he's simply conflicted, and in time will work through those emotions, at worst he's still in love with her, in a very toxic dysfunctional way and vice versa. 

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Well did you tell him that she didn't talk things out with you so you want him to answer some questions?

No. I did tell him that she didn't talk things over with me and anytime she messages me again i show him. He then immediately tells her to stop bringing me into it and to leave me alone.

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