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Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

CinderElla97

By CinderElla97
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Our community has shared a thread with @CinderElla97 from another participant that has many similarities to this thread. Please be mindful that while there's much to be learned from similar or identical experiences shared by others here, and it's great that we are able to help connect CinderElla97 with discussions that resonate with the experience she's sharing with us today, the poster has made it clear in this thread that she does not identify as the same individual and did not post the similar thread with a different account late last year.

For the purposes of our discussion here, please accept this gentle reminder to be respectful of the thread starter's position on the matter. We kindly ask that you refrain from insisting that the thread starter and the previous thread author are one in the same. Let's focus our energies instead on discussing the feedback in this and in similar threads that may be germane to CinderElla97's circumstances.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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On 4/24/2020 at 3:48 PM, CinderElla97 said:

Is it not possible that he did love her but then once we met and started getting to know eachother his feelings towards her changed as they grew stronger for me and he left her to be with me?

No.  He loved her enough to marry her and have kids.  It doesn't just go away, poof, with a new person.  

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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5 minutes ago, preraph said:

No.  He loved her enough to marry her and have kids.  It doesn't just go away, poof, with a new person.  

Ok. I get that. But then why would he leave her and stay with me? 

They were never married

Edited by CinderElla97
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Because they were not getting along.  It sounds like by her proof, that he was still trying to stay with her while things were falling apart.   Maybe he doesn't like compromise or working things out, or maybe they both don't so they were at a stalemate.  So instead of doing the work it takes to keep a marriage together, he took the first lifeboat out and probably is smug that that is a third finger salute to her to teach her a lesson, unless I miss my guess.  Plus a lot of men in marriages that are floundering will take the first excuse to go have variety sex with someone new.  Don't ever underestimate that motivation in men.  But that won't stop them from circling back around to the ex when they feel they are positioned right to do it.   

 

He won't even talk about this stuff with you, so you already know he doesn't communicate well enough to work things out.  There are actually a lot of people who just want to bail when compromise and sacrifice are necessary to stay together.  Marriage is serious business, having kids is serious business.  Not everyone is cut out for it.  No matter what you do, just remember he's not cut out for marriage and kids.  He's not even supporting his kids and rarely sees them and doesn't care enough to get joint custody.  This man is no prize and yours isn't a simple love story.  

There's a billion men in the world.  Having dated I think 3 separated men myself when I was young, I'm just telling you, yes, sometimes you already know them and so you're quickly involved when their marriage hits the dust, but it's probably the easiest road for the separated spouse, but it's hard on the new love interest.  It's just best to let them get good and divorced and custody worked out and totally past the games people play after a breakup to get involved if you possibly have enough info to avoid it.  

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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14 minutes ago, preraph said:

Because they were not getting along.  It sounds like by her proof, that he was still trying to stay with her while things were falling apart.   Maybe he doesn't like compromise or working things out, or maybe they both don't so they were at a stalemate.  So instead of doing the work it takes to keep a marriage together, he took the first lifeboat out and probably is smug that that is a third finger salute to her to teach her a lesson, unless I miss my guess.  Plus a lot of men in marriages that are floundering will take the first excuse to go have variety sex with someone new.  Don't ever underestimate that motivation in men.  But that won't stop them from circling back around to the ex when they feel they are positioned right to do it.   

 

He won't even talk about this stuff with you, so you already know he doesn't communicate well enough to work things out.  There are actually a lot of people who just want to bail when compromise and sacrifice are necessary to stay together.  Marriage is serious business, having kids is serious business.  Not everyone is cut out for it.  No matter what you do, just remember he's not cut out for marriage and kids.  He's not even supporting his kids and rarely sees them and doesn't care enough to get joint custody.  This man is no prize and yours isn't a simple love story.  

There's a billion men in the world.  Having dated I think 3 separated men myself when I was young, I'm just telling you, yes, sometimes you already know them and so you're quickly involved when their marriage hits the dust, but it's probably the easiest road for the separated spouse, but it's hard on the new love interest.  It's just best to let them get good and divorced and custody worked out and totally past the games people play after a breakup to get involved if you possibly have enough info to avoid it.  

We've been together for 8 months now. I would have thought of he was going to circle back he would have by now and that by now any feelings would have subsided. Especially when they had a period of a couple of months were they did not have any kind of contact.

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
52 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I understand all of what has been said with regards to my original questions. It is just the last ones that i have asked that have come about some of the answers i have been given that i am still not clear on.

There is no one that i can really show. We are in lockdown so it is just me and him.

It's actually not that complicated.  

When a person becomes so highly reactive and emotional to anything their ex says or does, such as blatant displays of anger or outrage, name-calling, etc, there is more than a strong chance that person has lingering, unresolved feelings for their ex.

Love is not always pretty, with rainbows and snowflakes.  It can be very ugly as well.  

People have literally killed their partners while claiming a deep love for them.

That is what the saying "there is a thin line between love and hate" means. 

That is why couples have mind-blowing passionate sex after a huge argument. 

You may not understand it because you have never experienced it, nor can you imagine ever experiencing it.

But it's the reality for some couples, hopefully you can understand at least that, even if it makes no sense to you.

Re him placing his ex's feelings above your feelings, his ex was abusing you so you blocked her.  

Yet instead of supporting "you" and protecting "you" from her abuse, he took "her" side, cared more about "her" feelings than yours, and at her request told you to unblock her.

After which her abuse continued and still continues.  As well as their intense passionate arguments.  

Please think about that. 

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's actually not that complicated.  

Cinder, pretend I am a qualified therapist saying this to you instead of just an ordinary contributor on an advice forum.

Please know that when a person becomes so highly reactive and emotional to anything their ex says or does, such as blatant displays of anger or outrage, name-calling, etc, there is more than a strong chance that person has lingering, unresolved feelings for their ex.

Love is not always pretty, with rainbows and snowflakes.  It can be very ugly as well.  

People have literally killed their partners while claiming a deep love for them.

That is what the saying "there is a thin line between love and hate" means. 

That is why couples have mind-blowing passionate sex after a huge argument. 

You may not understand it because you have never experienced it, nor can you imagine ever experiencing it.

But it's the reality for some couples, hopefully you can understand at least that, even if it makes no sense to you.

Re him placing his ex's feelings above your feelings, his ex was abusing you so you blocked her.  

Yet instead of supporting "you" and protecting "you" from her abuse, he took "her" side, cared more about "her" feelings than yours, and at her request told you to unblock her.

After which her abuse continued. 

Please think about that. 

He only reacts to arguments though. And not straightaway. It can take some time of her kicking off before she has pushed him far enough that he will reply. Surely anyone would argue back eventually when someone keeps going at you. I did and i certainly have no feelings towards her

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

He only reacts to arguments though. And not straightaway. It can take some time of her kicking off before she has pushed him far enough that he will reply. Surely anyone would argue back eventually when someone keeps going at you. I did and i certainly have no feelings towards her

Surely NO, not everyone would argue back.  That's what you're missing. 

When it comes to ex's or even one's current partner, people who no longer care would NOT argue back, certainly not to the extent your bf does.

They'd be indifferent to it. 

It wouldn't affect them one way or the other. 

I've had men, an ex or two go off on me, you know what I do?

After one or two texts, I don't even read the texts anymore, they go.directly into my phone or email trash. 

I know when they do this, it means they're hurt and angry, which translates to them still having strong feelings for me.

Just like I suspect your bf has for his ex, and she has for him.

Unresolved feelings. 

Edited by poppyfields
preraph Established Member

preraph

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There's no guarantee that you are aware of everything that's going on between them, physically or emotionally. 

But what you need to open your eyes to is how this guy is with her, he'll eventually be with you.  He walks away and doesn't settle disputes and flees instead, it sounds like.  He doesn't care much about his kids to be a 50/50 dad and he's not supporting them.  There's no rationale for that that is acceptable.  He is staying pretty uninvolved with his kids, and if you aren't looking to marry and have kids with him, then I guess none of this much matters.  But just realize he's not going to be a different man with you than he has been with her.  

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Surely NO, not everyone would argue back.  That's what you're missing. 

When it comes to ex's or even one's current partner, people who no longer care would NOT argue back, certainly not to the extent your bf does.

They'd be indifferent to it. 

It wouldn't affect them one way or the other. 

I've had men, an ex or two go off on me, you know what I do?

I don't even read the text, it goes directly into my phone or email trash. 

I know when they do this, it means they're hurt and angry, which translates to them still having strong feelings for me.

Ok. But as i say. I do not have strong feelimgs for her, or any feelings for her in the slightest and yet it got enough for me that i replied to her. I tried to remain calm but i did end up arguing a little

So why is it so hard to believe that he would reply and argue for the same reason as i would

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Ok. But as i say. I do not have strong feelimgs for her, or any feelings for her in the slightest and yet it got enough for me that i replied to her. I tried to remain calm but i did end up arguing a little

So why is it so hard to believe that he would reply and argue for the same reason as i would

Frankly, I am at a loss to understand why you DO argue with her.

Just block her or divert her texts to your trash. File a claim of harassment.

As for why your bf argues so intensely and passionately? 

Because if he's like most men newly divorced, there are still lingering unresolved feelings otherwise he just wouldn't care.

You're free to believe what you want though, and carry on.

I don't envision things working out for you, for many reasons. But good luck.

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Frankly, I am at a loss to understand why you DO argue with her.

Just block her or divert her texts to your trash. File a claim of harassment.

As for why your bf argues so intensely and passionately? 

Because if he's like most men newly divorced, there are still lingering unresolved feelings otherwise he just wouldn't care.

You're free to believe what you want though, and carry on.

I don't envision things working out for you, for many reasons. But good luck.

I have only argued with her once. I just wanted to make it clear to her that i have never come between her and the children, that i did not know they were together so i did not know he had cheated and that i was with him now and that i was sorry if that hurt her feelings but that was the way it was staying

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I have only argued with her once.

Well there goes your reasoning that since YOU argue with her and don't care, why can't why HE argue with her and have it mean the same, that HE doesn't care. 

First off, what you said ONCE to her could hardly be considered an intense emotional, passionate argument, which according to your early posts, is how your bf argues with her, repeatedly.

With an occasional block/unblock/ignore thrown in for emphasis. 

Imagine them stuck in an elevator together; I can almost guarantee you they would NOT be arguing, not for long anyway.  :eek:

Edited by poppyfields
introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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On 4/24/2020 at 10:44 AM, CinderElla97 said:

he has a very intense love/hate kind of thing going on with her.

Exactly.

OP, your bf has a lot of unfinished business with his ex, and I am not referring to the child they share. 

I don't see this ending well for you.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Probably farfetched and fuel the denial opinions but.... he couldn't just me argumentative and hot headed and it is just a side i have not seen to him?

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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14 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Probably farfetched and fuel the denial opinions but.... he couldn't just me argumentative and hot headed and it is just a side i have not seen to him?

If after seven pages, you're still asking these types of questions, there's not much more we can say.

Except maybe talk to someone, a counselor or therapist, to help you sort through your emotions about this.

As it stands now, your thought process is not healthy.

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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I am just trying to look into more options. I want as much info from different views as possible to base my decision on. 

I can see why i appear to be in denial and to some small extent i suppose i am. I just was not expecting the responses i got when i started this thread and it has really taken me aback. I am still trying to process everything

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Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

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21 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

He does tell her to stop. He has told her on multiple occasions that i am innocent in everything and to leave me alone. 

It seems like he just likes the drama then. He told you to unblock her. But then he tells her to stop. Obviously this guy is thriving on the drama. Also, him telling you to unblock her is him allowing her to harass you. Do you understand? 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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7 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

It seems like he just likes the drama then. He told you to unblock her. But then he tells her to stop. Obviously this guy is thriving on the drama. Also, him telling you to unblock her is him allowing her to harass you. Do you understand? 

I think he genuinely thought she was going to speak properly. He said she said she wanted me and her to talk things over so that she could get to know me so she felt better about me being around the children so then he would be able to take them on his own easier

Edited by CinderElla97
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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1 hour ago, CinderElla97 said:

I am just trying to look into more options. I want as much info from different views as possible to base my decision on. 

What decision would that be? 

To break up with him? 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Yes. But obviously due to the lockdown it is not as simple as just leaving as i can not really go anywhere else right now so i am looking to gain as much insight as possible to come to the best decision for myself, and also for my family if i do leave him and need to move back home. 

If it is something we can work through, ie him getting off on drama or just maybe having a but of a temper then it is something i am willing to try and ride out.

If it is a pretty cut and shut, he has strong feelings for his ex, case, then obviously i will not stick around and try to work through it.

I know no one hear knows for sure what the answer is but the more i sight and the more views i can get the better equipt i will be to make a more informed decision.

I hope that made sense

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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2 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:
8 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Yes. But obviously due to the lockdown it is not as simple as just leaving as i can not really go anywhere else right now so i am looking to gain as much insight as possible to come to the best decision for myself, and also for my family if i do leave him and need to move back home. 

If it is something we can work through, ie him getting off on drama or just maybe having a but of a temper then it is something i am willing to try and ride out.

If it is a pretty cut and shut, he has strong feelings for his ex, case, then obviously i will not stick around and try to work through it.

I know no one hear knows for sure what the answer is but the more i sight and the more views i can get the better equipt i will be to make a more informed decision.

I hope that made sense

Since no one here is able to answer your questions, this is the perfect time to go right to the source who is sitting in the other room and ask him.  Otherwise maybe a counselor or therapist can help.  You can get them online or telephone so you don't have to leave the house.  

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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1 minute ago, stillafool said:

 

I know no one here knows the answers. I just said that. But i can use the opinions of people on here to help me. And they have been helping. But the more that is said the more questions i have and everyone seems to still answer the original questions which i now understand but any new questions i ask seem to get over looked.

The more things i can try to rule out the more i can form a decision based on whats left that seems to not be able to be disputed

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Hi..Didn't read the entire thread, but no one here knows why they do this or what the motivation is for their behavior. You're really not gaining any insight. Just flat-out guesses from strangers who don't know these people. It's not true that the intense anger always stems from love. His ex could just rub him the wrong way. I don't know their history or anything, but that could be a big reason why they split. A lot of people have had children with exes and fell out of love with them, never were that in love with them, or have just become annoyed by them or even hate their presence when they are an otherwise chill person.  Could even be anger not directed at the person, but feelings that come to be associated with them. It's probably hard for them to even say.

 

 

Edited by Cookiesandough
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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There was another thread a while ago where the poster had the exact same problem as you and no amount of answers we gave her were enough.  I'll see if I can find that thread for you and maybe it will help.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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14 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know no one here knows the answers. I just said that. But i can use the opinions of people on here to help me. And they have been helping. But the more that is said the more questions i have and everyone seems to still answer the original questions which i now understand but any new questions i ask seem to get over looked.

The more things i can try to rule out the more i can form a decision based on whats left that seems to not be able to be disputed

Why don't you talk to him about it?

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